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Psychological abuse?

2059 Views 20 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  sapientia, 
K
this is my first time posting...anywhere. I hope you all will be patient with me as I do not know the etiquette or what to expect. My husband and I, both Christians, have been married for just a few months. We started dating about 1 1/2 years ago. Once our relationship began to get serious, he began doing things, saying things that contradicted each other and caused me pain and confusion. First, it was "I love you" only yo tell me the following day that he did not love me. Later he said he did love me but he was afraid. That happened a few times. Next he broke up with me. Then he wanted to see me, telling me he didn't intend to break up. He was scared. That happened twice. Next, we talked about the future and moving in together - making plans. He later said he wasn't ready. Eventually, we began talking about marriage and living our lives together. We moved in together. After moving in together, he said he didn't remember agreeing that we were on the road to marriage, rather to him it was more of a 'trial run'. He may never want to get married. Well, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. A few weeks later, he said he didn't want to get married. He took it back that day saying he was afraid. Since we've been married , three months now, he has mentioned splitting up on four occasions. Most recently, this past Thursday. What makes this so confusing to me is that he tells me he loves me, tells me he is afraid and broken and that he doesn't know why he does these things. But in even one single conversation, he can go from being fully committed to not knowing. I have told him I don't feel safe. I have told him how confused I am. He began seeing a counselor to see if he can figure out and understand his issues. He went twice before inviting me to join him. We have attended together three times. We have been reading the five live languages and he really seems to be trying. However, he continues to tell me that he is incapable of loving me the way I need to be loved, isn't sure that he even feels those types of deep emotions and tells me he is incapable of creating an intimate connection...sometimes he feels love for me but other times he does not. He thinks maybe only a couple times a week. I am at my breaking point. He says he's sorry he's hurt me, but he continues to do the same things. He told me today that he thinks we should split up because he doesn't want to abuse me. It felt like more manipulation. I don't believe he is intentionally abusing me, but I think he is very aware he does it. Insight? Advice? Help???
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A
You dont tell us your ages but I suppose you are young. Since you have been to a counselor can you tell us what he said.
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K
Thanks for reading/responding! I guess it would make a lot more sense if we had the excuse of being young. :) we are 46 & 47. Both divorced with grown children & grandchildren. I had been divorced 16-ish years, him about 5 years. We didn't discuss that with the counselor. The counselor seems to believe that we are just missing each other's love languages. He is Christian,so some focus on a biblical marriage as well. I did tell my husband he has to come clean to the counselor during our next appointment.
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A
Thanks, it doesnt seem like that to me not from what you tell us. Well the counselor has heard you both so he should know. If you can get your H to come on here you would get better advice from the many people here and a lot cheaper.
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Quigster
Kelly m said:
I am at my breaking point. He says he's sorry he's hurt me, but he continues to do the same things.
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It's clear that he's got commitment issues. I had assumed from your first post that he was very young and just needed to mature, but evidently that's not the case. There must be a reason why he is reluctant to fully commit to you. He clearly wants to, but something is holding him back. You need to find out what that is. Has he had a past relationship that hurt him, and so he is wary about going through that again?

Based on your description, it doesn't seem like he's being psychologically abusive. He may be aware of what he is going through, but it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose. He wants to commit to you, but then something in his past is pulling him back. He's got to work through his issues before he can be yours completely.


Quigster
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Anon Pink
What does being Christian have to do with this? :scratchhead:

You should never have married this man. Believe him when he tells you he is too broken to love you, because he clearly IS!

You've said it yourself, because his feelings waffle back and forth depending on the time of day and what he had for breakfast you can never feel safe with him. I don't know about you but if I can't feel safe or secure in a man...he needs to hit the road.

Tell your H he is right. This isn't going to work because he can't commit to committing. That is no way to live. You're better off alone than never knowing which husband your talking to.

ETA, this doesn't have anything to do with love languages. Before you can worry about love languages there must first be love. This man isn't capable.
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Uptown
Kelly m said:
He began seeing a counselor to see if he can figure out and understand his issues. He went twice before inviting me to join him. We have attended together three times.
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Kelly, a marriage counselor would be good for giving advice on how to improve interpersonal communication skills. What you're describing, however, is a problem that seems to go far beyond the lack of such skills. Until your H deals with those deeper underlying issues, which may stem from childhood trauma, seeing a MC likely will be a total waste of time. I therefore suggest that he start seeing a psychologist (i.e., PhD in psychology) for independent counseling (IC).

For yourself, I suggest you see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. By seeing YOUR OWN psychologist, you ensure that the professional is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not those of your H. When a personality disorder might be present, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see your own psych., not the one treating your H.
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turnera
Kelly m said:
Thanks for reading/responding! I guess it would make a lot more sense if we had the excuse of being young. :) we are 46 & 47. Both divorced with grown children & grandchildren. I had been divorced 16-ish years, him about 5 years. We didn't discuss that with the counselor. The counselor seems to believe that we are just missing each other's love languages. He is Christian,so some focus on a biblical marriage as well. I did tell my husband he has to come clean to the counselor during our next appointment.
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Come clean about what?
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turnera
I just don't understand why you'd move forward into a relationship with someone who clearly isn't giving you a decent relationship. Are you just afraid you'll never find someone else and don't want to be alone any more? You seem to have no boundaries.
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SecondTime'Round
My ex has also said similar things to me and in marriage counseling.

"I don't know how to feel love or give love."
"I don't feel love for anyone and I've never felt love from anyone."
"Even if my mom died, I would only be a little sad for a day, but not much."
"I can't provide the emotional connection you need. I don't need emotional connection. I don't even understand what it means."
"All I do is hurt people." (this is true)

I agree this is NOT a Love Language issue. It's an issue of him only being able to be a "match" with someone who also does not require an emotional connection.

My ex hasn't been diagnosed with anything other than ADHD, but I believe he is a sociopath (my therapist and everyone who knows him agrees) with severe narcissistic tendencies. Co-parenting with him can be a complete nightmare. In my ex's case, I don't think he will EVER get better unless he addresses issues/abuse from his mother that he refuses to. He always shut down whenever it was brought up in counseling.

He also was cheating on me with his ex, so there's that, too.
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W
Could he be gay and not facing it because of his Christian beliefs?

Also, you bring up religion in the first sentence, but they say you moved in together before marriage. That's kind of a "pick and chose" type of Christianity.

This man has told you all along that he can't commit. Do yourself a favor and get an annulment now, and find someone who loves you every minute of every day.
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K
Anon Pink said:
What does being Christian have to do with this?


You should never have married this man. Believe him when he tells you he is too broken to love you, because he clearly is.
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Thanks. Being Christian was included for clarity. There is a specific marriage model and guidelines in the bible. It was mentioned for clarity.

The fact is, we are already married. He is clearly broken. I believe he feels love for me. Giving love consistently seems to be the difficult part.
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SecondTime'Round
FYI, my ex is a professing Christian as well (and so am I). He was raised in a Christian family, Christian school, church every time the doors were open, etc.
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K
Workathome said:
Could he be gay and not facing it because of his Christian beliefs?

Also, you bring up religion in the first sentence, but they say you moved in together before marriage. That's kind of a "pick and chose" type of Christianity
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He's not gay. ....And, I am aware.
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K
Quigster;13520306 It's clear that he's got commitment issues. Quigster[/QUOTE said:
Thanks. He has said he thought maybe commitment is the issue. He also says he's fully committed. Then again, who would know what to believe with all the mixed messages. I appreciate your response. :)
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A
I was the first to reply so I will come back. After reading your further posts I get the feeling that your problem is really that you dont know what his problem is. Until you know that you cant expect a cure. I doubt if your counselor has any idea either. I dont think you should give up like others say here but you should try harder. I have already mentioned one thing you should do.
There is definitely something wrong. From all your posts and replies from others I still cant work it out and put a label on it. You have to realise that it wont get better if anything it will get worse. I do wish you all the best and really feel for you.
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EleGirl
Kelly m said:
The fact is, we are already married. He is clearly broken. I believe he feels love for me. Giving love consistently seems to be the difficult part.
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Commitment is like being pregnant. A person cannot be almost pregnant, or pregnant on and off depending on the time of day or their current whim. They are pregnant or they are not pregnant. A person is committed or they are not committed.

Waffling about being committed is actually non-committal.

I disagree that he's clearly broken. He might be broken. Or he might just not be deeply, passionately in love with you. I think that the latter is more likely.

It sounds more like he got comfortable with you and attached to you despite the fact that he does not feel the romantic, in-love feeling. Without that romantic, infatuated, in-love feeling his subconscious sees no reason for committing. So one part of him is fighting with the other. So he's confused. But it’s not broken.

Without that romantic, infatuated, in-love feeling his subconscious does not see a need to commit. So the comfortable part of him is fighting with the part of himself that wants romantic love.

Why would part of him want romantic love? Because during the phase where we feel romantic love our bodies are producing and up taking large quantities of dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good and bonding chemicals. It’s like living on a cocaine high. And that’s what he’s craving.

One part of him likes the comfortable relationship you too have. The other part of him wants the chemical high.

IMHO, your best bet is to let him go. If you do, he might come back and be in a better place emotionally. But the status quo is not working.
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EleGirl
Why did his previous marriage end? What do you know about it?
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FormerSelf
kelly m,

It's important to look at his actions and not his words.

I agree that this is not an issue that by simply learning their love language will fix. The man appears to be really commitment averse...and seems to be really to be on the fence. It looks like he has tried to overcome it, but being "locked" into a marriage may have made his commitment claustrophobia worse. It may be that he has not quite gotten over his regrets and failures concerning his first marriage.
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As'laDain
i think what you have is a man who is afraid of his own emotions. likely defines himself by them.
hopefully the counselor will be able to get him to examine his emotions and accept them. then hopefully he will define himself by his actions.
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