Promised he wouldn't turn me down... and he did

4746 Views 52 Replies 15 Participants Last post by walkingwounded, Dec 6, 2012

walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · Nov 28, 2012 (Edited)

Promised he wouldn't turn me down... and he did UPDATE: found out why

Not posted for a while so here is what is happening with us...

Had issues with his continuous rejection of me a while ago. Not sexless but only when he wanted it. Rejections cut me deeply and eroded my self confidence sexually and my esteem. I told him I was not going to initiate any more (prior to this I was allways initiating and had no issues at all with doing so.) He said OK.

The issue has come up a number of times. He has really refused to address it in any depth apart from telling me that I should just initiate and he would not say no. He really cannot understand how I just do not trust him to not say no. He has not opted to explore my feelings and see what he can do to help rectify things as he is too busy denying that he ever rejected me in some weird kind of gaslighting thing.

Despite this, we have been getting on pretty well lately. He continues to initiate. I have tentatively experimented with some subtle "hinting" and body language, I guess a safe way of showing interest. It is lost on him. The funny thing is if we see some lady when we are out together doing something similar, he picks up on it right away. When I do it he is oblivious.

Well the other night we were sat together and I said I was going to go take a shower before it got too late. We had been having a good evening in each other's company so I said "I'm gonna go take a shower." "OK." "Wanna join me?" "Um... No. You aren't upset are you?"

I wasn't. It was weird. I *expected* me to be upset but I really wasn't. I guess I was sad. After all this time and everything he said about he wouldn't say no... I gather up the courage... and he says no.

Words can be so empty can't they?

UPDATE: have added more on next page as to why...

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kingsfan

· #2 · Nov 28, 2012

Is this the first time you asked since he said he wouldn't say no?

When was the last time you had sex before he said no? Is that amount of time less/more than normal?

I suspect if you ask him about it he'll play dumb and say "I said no to a shower. You didn't say you wanted sex."

Toffer

· #3 · Nov 28, 2012

kingsfan said:
Is this the first time you asked since he said he wouldn't say no?

When was the last time you had sex before he said no? Is that amount of time less/more than normal?

I suspect if you ask him about it he'll play dumb and say "I said no to a shower. You didn't say you wanted sex."

:iagree:

Since he does seem quite oblivious at times, could he have mistaken your invitation as simply an offer to soap up that section of his back that he can't reach?

waiwera

· #4 · Nov 28, 2012

Ah walking... that sux! Did he really understand that you wanted sex?
Many men don't get hints...not even ones delivered with a large flashing banner.

So what now?

Are you back to no initiating or ?

Why won't he initiate?

walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 28, 2012

Toffer said:
:iagree:

Since he does seem quite oblivious at times, could he have mistaken your invitation as simply an offer to soap up that section of his back that he can't reach?

Ha! No. He knew what I meant, thus the asking if I was upset.

It is not the first time I have asked since, but is probably the first time I have been spontaneous and not waited for a cue from him. The small amount of other times have been when he has indicated first that he was in the mood so I guess I felt good for all systems go on those occasions.

I don't know if I will try again. It feels like a negative situation to keep myself in but then what is the alternative? Another negative situation. I just get so puzzled because how I am now is *so* different to the "me" he has known for years when it comes to sex, yet he claims it does not bother him for me to not initiate any more. I just cannot work out what is going on inside his head.

For a while I thought he liked the tease, the seduction, but like I said, it is lost on him when I try that approach. So many times he has said he didn't realize I was initiating, and said to be blunt about it, but when I am, he turns me down. I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle.

It is crazy because it isn't like we have no sex life. It is just allways when he wants to.

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walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 29, 2012

He actually did initiate yesterday. It was what he calls an "early night". It is something we discussed a while ago when we talked about fixed nights.

I don't know if he means to but it comes across as a chore to cross off his list. Sure he appears to be enjoying it and I am sure he does. But there really is no effort. I had suggested massage ( him and/or me, whichever he preferred.) He kinda pretended I hadn't said it? I was stretched outa on the couch and playfully touching his leg with my feet and he pushed me away saying he was too hot, then decided to suggest an early night?

I just do not get him. SOmetimes it is like he wants to walk around in a vacuum untill he wants sex and then all of a sudden he wants to touch me.

I also tried sending him sexy texts. He appeared clueless untill I actually had to explain what I meant! I tried it again the next day and he responded in *exactly* the same way as the day before when he *didn't* get it? It is allmost like he is playing some weird game with me but I just don't get what...

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Mavash.

· #7 · Nov 29, 2012

walkingwounded said:
When I do it he is oblivious.

He's not a stupid man. He knows.

I've been reading your posts for quite some time. He's NOT oblivious. He's trying to navigate what's the LEAST he has to do to keep you happy. No more no less.

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walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 29, 2012

Mavash. said:
He's not a stupid man. He knows.

I've been reading your posts for quite some time. He's NOT oblivious. He's trying to navigate what's the LEAST he has to do to keep you happy. No more no less.

That quite hurts to read. Fact is it has crossed my mind. Then I rationalize with various reasons.

I have at times wished my drive would really drop so I did not have to worry about this dilemma. Truth is it has a small degree but I think that is due to me figuring out that I did not have to equate how much sex we had with how much he loves me. I feel a lot better from just that but I cannot tell you how envious I get when I read stories from the guys here who say they would never turn down their wife, cannot understand guys that do, how they would love it if their wife were to initiate, think their wife is gorgeous/hot/beautiful and can't keep their hands off her, etc...

I have recently been working on being more healthy and fit. I have been doing a step a week and so far I have stuck with every change I have made, and feel these are valuable, permanent changes. I know I will be looking better for it... then I think I am the only one whose going to tell me that or appreciate it.

kingsfan

· #9 · Nov 29, 2012

walkingwounded said:
I have recently been working on being more healthy and fit. I have been doing a step a week and so far I have stuck with every change I have made, and feel these are valuable, permanent changes. I know I will be looking better for it... then I think I am the only one whose going to tell me that or appreciate it.

The only one in your marriage... yes. But you won't be the only one to notice, trust me. There are 3.5 billion men in this world.

Mavash.

· #10 · Nov 29, 2012

My husband was like yours and his problem was complicated. At the core of it was he was afraid of me. He felt like he couldn't do anything right because I was never ever satisfied with what he offered sexually or otherwise. And in hindsight he was right.

Like you I read all these stories on TAM and I got bit by the green eyed monster too.

My situation didn't get better until I learned how to appreciate what I had without trying to change him. And this was NOT easy btw.

walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 29, 2012

Did you work that out through MC or was it more between you two?

I have turned over different reasons in my mind again and again. Being honest with myself and looking at what he says, his actions say and the discrepancy between. I have not yet come up with anything.

What you said Mavash about him doing as little as possible is something that has come up previously. I feel there may be a degree of it but I do not think it is the whole story. I feel there is something underlying all this but I just can not put my finger on what it is.
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steinjeremo

· #12 · Nov 30, 2012

Like you I read all these stories on TAM and I got bit by the green eyed monster too.

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walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #13 · Nov 30, 2012

Bump ^^^^^^^^
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Gaia

· #14 · Nov 30, 2012

Have you considered outright saying something like...

"I'm horny", "I want to feel you inside me..", ect....

When saying the above do so while rubbing against him or sitting in his lap and grinding against him... Or do that as a follow up... Ever done any of that?
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WyshIknew

· #15 · Nov 30, 2012

What sort of frequency are you looking at?

Frequency will definitely affect my desire.

walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #16 · Nov 30, 2012

Gaia said:
Have you considered outright saying something like...

"I'm horny", "I want to feel you inside me..", ect....

When saying the above do so while rubbing against him or sitting in his lap and grinding against him... Or do that as a follow up... Ever done any of that?
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Yes. Last time I straddled him and did that he said he wanted to eat his dinner first. Kinda ruined the moment lol.

Just been flirty texting him again. Same response, like he does not know what I am doing. Do not know why I am surprised. Direct doesn't work and subtle doesn't work. I'll be damned if I know what *does.*
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walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #17 · Nov 30, 2012

WyshIknew said:
What sort of frequency are you looking at?

Frequency will definitely affect my desire.

Do you mean what frequency would I like? Every other day would be good. I could live with twice a week if I knew I could initiate freely. Right now we are at twice a week but tge frustration of having to wait untill *he* wants to kills me. It is an awful place to be. I feel so stifled and I can't figure out why he is doing this because it never used to be an issue.
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Mavash.

· #18 · Nov 30, 2012

walkingwounded said:
Did you work that out through MC or was it more between you two?

I have turned over different reasons in my mind again and again. Being honest with myself and looking at what he says, his actions say and the discrepancy between. I have not yet come up with anything.

What you said Mavash about him doing as little as possible is something that has come up previously. I feel there may be a degree of it but I do not think it is the whole story. I feel there is something underlying all this but I just can not put my finger on what it is.
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Oh gosh I've been at this for 21 years. We were largely sexless for the first 7 years. We did a round of MC at that point and that got us to once a week sex. I continued with IC and we'd have good weeks and bad ones settling probably a 2-3 times a week but I still wanted more. I wanted him to WANT ME. I wanted intimacy, closeness, and passion. I could see things were improving so I stuck around and kept trying.

Like you I felt there was just something missing that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I knew I'd emasculated him but I 'thought' I'd fixed that years ago (I hadn't). Then fate stepped in and we had to separate for 3 months (work related) and that forced us okay mostly me to connect without sex.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but in my vulnerability something in him clicked and all my hard work paid off. He was willing to admit he was scared of me, was willing to let me in, and was willing to let down his walls to let me see the real him.

My story is so long and we are still a work in progress but he does want and desire me now. I can honestly say he was worth the wait.

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kingsfan

· #19 · Nov 30, 2012

Gaia said:
"I want to feel you inside me..",

That one always melts me like butter...

walkingwounded said:
Yes. Last time I straddled him and did that he said he wanted to eat his dinner first.

There'd be something I'd be eating, but it wouldn't be dinner

walkingwounded

Discussion Starter · #20 · Nov 30, 2012

kingsfan said:
That one always melts me like butter...

There'd be something I'd be eating, but it wouldn't be dinner

Ha! Well it sounds crazy... But he really said that. We had some tension building up on the ride home from picking up take out. I decided I would be spontaneous and we got in and sat down and I just pushed ghe food aside and sat on his lap.

I had this wonderful idea of us being all passionate. But apparently he absolutely had to eat dinner first.
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