Promiscuous Behavior from being hurt

2446 Views 11 Replies 12 Participants Last post by couple, Nov 22, 2012

Terry_CO

Discussion Starter · Nov 22, 2012

Scenario:

Young woman in her early twenties falls head-over-heels for a fellow male college student

Relationship progresses until it is very serious

Male college student breaks the woman's heart by dumping her

Woman goes on a path of sexually promiscuous, self-destructive behavior with every man she can find. Using her own words "approached sex as a sport, or as exercise".

Woman eventually gets pregnant when birth control fails. Decides to raise baby as a single mom. It becomes her whole life raising and nurturing that child.

The experience puts everything in perspective for her and she becomes responsible, careful who she dates/has sex with, and generally "wakes up".

My question: Why did she behave this way? What was she seeking by bedding every man that came along? What need was being fulfilled?

Possibilities (as I see it):

Seeking acceptance to reassure herself she is desirable

Exercise control over her own life, in her own way - even negative control like promiscuity

She wanted to "accept" and then reject as many men as possible as a payback, and as a way of healing her own wounds. Hurt men and she will hurt less for what a man did to her

Thoughts? Please sound off

(By the way, the woman is my wife)

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EleGirl

· #2 · Nov 22, 2012

You thoughts on it are pretty good.

It could also be that when she was dumped she felt that love and committment means nothing. So she decided to just have fun... sex is fun after all. She basically did not care.

Then she found out that sex leads to children and is serious business.

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Shaggy

· #3 · Nov 22, 2012

I think one reason they do it is that when the BF dumps them, they feel like they have no control over the situation.

But they find they can control guys through sex so long as they do not let the relationships get to the point where is really about more than sex.

so they enter into the game of being in charge, being the aggressor, and using their control of giving out sex as the way to feel in control and in charge of these new relationships.

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StoneAngel

· #4 · Nov 22, 2012

Maybe she didn't view it as self-destructive behaviour.

What did she tell you her reasons were?

Why does it matter to you now?

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Caribbean Man

· #5 · Nov 22, 2012

Its a type of control / defence mechanism.
The multiple sex partners make her feel a sense of empowerment.
But in reality she's not dealing with the unresolved issues from her past.

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humanbecoming

· #6 · Nov 22, 2012

Actually, I know a young lady who did just this- went from a very overweight, frumpy, poorly dressed 19 year old. lost a ton of weight, started dressing nice-wearing makeup, contacts. Improved how she looked considerably, and began devouring her way through the local coast guard base. Nearest I could figure, it was that she had such poor self worth, that when he dumped her (both were employees of mine) she started losing weight due to stress, which led to her getting hit on. That brought up her self esteem, so she got wrapped up in it. Something like 30+ guys over the course of a year, mostly ons's. she quit to join the coast guard herself.

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tobio

· #7 · Nov 22, 2012

How has she described it?
The language in your post is very telling, but it is unclear from what you say if the slant is yours or hers. Was it her that used the word promiscuous and described her behaviour as self-destructive? Or is that your inference from your judgement?

I ask because the reason some people engage in that behaviour is because they enjoy having sex. They sleep with different people because they like it. Some people look back and regret it, but others chalk it down to having fun at the time. People change over phases of their life.
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NewM

· #8 · Nov 22, 2012

Or she just wanted to have sex without any attachment in fear of not getting hurt again.

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Zig

· #9 · Nov 22, 2012

How is your sex life with her now?

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diwali123

· #10 · Nov 22, 2012

I went through similar after my divorce. I felt like I had given everything to love and marriage and every relationship I had been in ended with me getting sh$t on. I had played the good girl and didn't have a lot of lovers and felt like "screw this, see what being good and trying to be loving got me? Nothing but hell."
I was also at my sexual peak. I think I was a lot more picky than she sounds but I was basically looking for a FWB or two but ended up with a lot of ONS.
I just didn't think love existed and it was all a big lie so why not have fun?
I sincerely believed I would never be capable of loving again as dumb as it sounds.
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Jack29

· #11 · Nov 22, 2012 (Edited)

I had a quite similar experience last year:

A girl invited me to a party and a friend of hers told me she had been dumped not long ago by her boyfriend! After midnight we went to sleep at her place and on my way there i asked her if she liked me or if it was just because she wasnt over her ex and wanted company. She told ex was all water under the bridge and she really liked me. I spend 5 nights in her place and one fine day she let me know she didnt want to see me and what do you know she was back with ex again!

I dont know what their reasons are when they do that they can chalk it down to self fulfillment or whatever but i belive that a man who takes himself seriously shouldt go steady with this kind of women, very probably they would screw smb else if you have some bitter argument down the road!

Also i belive they got a very filthy mind! This girl i wrote about once talked me about how good she is in telling if a guy has got a big **** judging by his height and race and it made me sick although i didnt say nothing! I dont know if shes still in a relationship with her ex but i dont think id go back to her again even if she will ask me to!

And on a second note here this is an issue ive given thought to it as well since ive come across this type of woman as well sex is not the issue here! If it was sex they were after they would settle for a just one guy (since most guys would jump a girl at the drop of a hat) i dont really know whats going on in their mind but its smth beyond sex. And from what i saw they would even brag about it although sort of indirectly! I personally belive that once a girl does that she kicks romance out of her life for forever she is not worthy of a man say "i love you to her". At least in my case i would not say i love you to that girl i knew because as soon as i was working myself up to it id than think of the chain of casual encounters she had and stop myself cold!

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couple

· #12 · Nov 22, 2012

One's sexuality is an important part of a person. These are the types of things that couples should talk about if they are truly intimate with each other. There are a lot of theories - loneliness, distraction from the hurt, normal fun, revenge to males, etc. Only she knows what was going on in her head during these times.

This is a good example of how people change over time and while I believe someone's sexual past is a very important part of really understanding someone as a person, it should be treated delicately and without judgement. If she trusts you she'll talk to you about it at the right time for her.

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