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I asm 70 and my wife is 65. .... We were basically roommates not husband and wife.

....Yesterday I kind of gave her an ultimatum about trying anything sexual and she told me that she was only interested in sex if I could get an erection and have actual sex otherwise she could care less about sex. She used to masturbate but no longer does. Not sure what I can do now but continue to to watch porn and masturbate (I cannot get hard but I can ejaculate).

I try to pay her attention, I kiss her and rub her back and touch her in intimate ways and I do stuff around the house as much as I can....
About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again. She also told me that if I couldn't get it up, I was not horny enough to have sex with her. She called my sex organs dirty. She would not touch me in anyway to sexually arouse me. She would not wear anything in bed to sexually arouse me. She would not say things to sexually arouse me. She told me that kissing me was too intimate and made her uncomfortable. He idea of male foreplay and sex was to roll over on her back, take off her panties, open her legs and put a pillow over he head. I decided I could not take it any more. She also was emotionally abusive toward me. I used my hands, mouth, fingers to bring her to orgasm most times I was "allowed" to make love with her, which was very rare. Afterwards she would usually pick a fight with me to create emotional distance between us.

I went on a program of self improvement. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Clover and discovered I was a classic nice guy. I learned being codependent and needy were not sexy to my wife. I read MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and learned about Getting a Life, 180's and how to take better care of myself. I also read Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love and how to make my wife feel loved and cherished. She really liked the new me and wanted to read what I was reading. So I shared bits and pieces and then insisted that we go to a sex therapist.

The Sex Therapist saved our marriage, but it took my wife realizing that her continued actions would lead to divorce and it would be because of what she did. The Sex Therapist was good and told me wife she needed to take responsibility for her actions and the obvious consequences of those actions.

I would strongly recommend you and your wife schedule some time with a Marriage Counselor who is also a sex therapist. I would also suggest you do some serious introspection to figure out which part of this problem you own and make some serious changes in your life.

Good luck.

P.S. we have agreed to have sex twice a week with the help of the ST negotiating with us and are still married but much happier.
 

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I asm 70 and my wife is 65. When I first met my wife she was 50 and I was 55. Our sex life was very good. Over the years I developed ED and cannot get an erection and my wife has lost all interest in sex. For a few years it was OK, my T level was very low (33) and I was never horny or interested in sex. My estrogen level was higher than my T level. We were basically roommates not husband and wife.

I finally got put on estrogen blockers and T shots and now my T level is near 1000 and I am horny all the time but still unable to have an erection I have the pills which do not work and a vacuum pump which I cannot get to work, so I am frustrated over that.

Yesterday I kind of gave her an ultimatum about trying anything sexual and she told me that she was only interested in sex if I could get an erection and have actual sex otherwise she could care less about sex. She used to masturbate but no longer does. Not sure what I can do now but continue to to watch porn and masturbate (I cannot get hard but I can ejaculate).

I try to pay her attention, I kiss her and rub her back and touch her in intimate ways and I do stuff around the house as much as I can. I also had a cyst on my spinal cord that was finally removed and it helped, I am numb through my groin area. I have spinal stenosis and hope to have major surgery that will fix the numbness. Maybe that will let me have an erection. I do not know. But I can hope.

I am very frustrated and hating life.
How did she feel when you guys first stopped having sex? What did you guys do to maintain sexual intimacy when it first became difficult for you to get an erection and have PIV?
 

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You might need to adjust those blockers you're on because they seem to have made you hornier than is convenient. You know, meds can be adjusted but you need to talk to the doctor and not just do it yourself.

Have you been using porn all along or only since you started using the blockers?

Your wife probably really doesn't know what to do if you can't get an erection. I've never run across someone who could ejaculate without getting an erection so I doubt if she knows what to do either. Obviously she probably doesn't want to do oral if you're not erect. And I guess you can't do intercourse.

I would talk to the doctor and tell him you're too horny and still can't get an erection and see what he says.

Because that sounds miserable.
 

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About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again. She also told me that if I couldn't get it up, I was not horny enough to have sex with her. She called my sex organs dirty. She would not touch me in anyway to sexually arouse me. She would not wear anything in bed to sexually arouse me. She would not say things to sexually arouse me. She told me that kissing me was too intimate and made her uncomfortable. He idea of male foreplay and sex was to roll over on her back, take off her panties, open her legs and put a pillow over he head. I decided I could not take it any more. She also was emotionally abusive toward me. I used my hands, mouth, fingers to bring her to orgasm most times I was "allowed" to make love with her, which was very rare. Afterwards she would usually pick a fight with me to create emotional distance between us.

I went on a program of self improvement. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Clover and discovered I was a classic nice guy. I learned being codependent and needy were not sexy to my wife. I read MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and learned about Getting a Life, 180's and how to take better care of myself. I also read Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love and how to make my wife feel loved and cherished. She really liked the new me and wanted to read what I was reading. So I shared bits and pieces and then insisted that we go to a sex therapist.

The Sex Therapist saved our marriage, but it took my wife realizing that her continued actions would lead to divorce and it would be because of what she did. The Sex Therapist was good and told me wife she needed to take responsibility for her actions and the obvious consequences of those actions.

I would strongly recommend you and your wife schedule some time with a Marriage Counselor who is also a sex therapist. I would also suggest you do some serious introspection to figure out which part of this problem you own and make some serious changes in your life.

Good luck.

P.S. we have agreed to have sex twice a week with the help of the ST negotiating with us and are still married but much happier.
How long were you married, and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago? What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago? What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?
 

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It saddens me when read threads about couples in the autumn of their lives, blessed to have partners, who treat that relationship without compassion or any desire to maintain the spark in the relationship. It must be that no goodwill was built earlier in the marriage to carry them through difficulties. The OP is having troubles, and the wife basically tells him she is only interested in the one intimacy he isn't capable of achieving. [email protected] has to jump through hoops and hire an MC ( which isn't cheap ) to convince his wife she is headed for divorce if she doesn't straighten up.

There are plenty of people who live alone for years, their spouse having died. We often don't appreciate people until they are no longer with us.
 

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How long were you married, and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago? What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago? What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?
How long were you married
  • At that time about 38 years, now married for 50 years

and did she treat you abusively always until 12 years ago?
  • No, it grew over time. The abuse was that she really wanted to emotionally distance herself from me. Whenever she felt romantic or after we made love, she would start a fight with me to regain her emotional distance. There is nothing quite like feeling oxytocine, post-coital bonding and then while all your defenses are down, being emotionally attacked. It really makes you feel like you can never let your guard down.
What caused your relationship to deteriorate to where it was 12 years ago?
  • Part of it was empty nest syndrome (children finding partners and focusing on them-not mom), part of it was taking me for granted. Part of it was not understanding each other's love languages. Part of it was her wanting more freedom in her life, which cause her to push me away. In her 50's she worked and achieved a doctorate, which required her to spend a lot of time studying and required that I give her space for both classes and her research.
  • Another part of it was me. Until I read Chapman's 5 Love Languages, I did really understand how to make her feel Cherished each day. Until I read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, I didn't really understand how co-dependent and clingy I was. Until I read M.W. Davis the Sex Starved Marriage, I didn't understand that while she had been changing and growing, I had not changed the way we interacted. I needed to learn how to do 180's and change the way both I treated her and she treated me.
What did the marriage counselor / sex therapist tell your wife that she believed, that she didn't hear already from you?
  • It wasn't so much what the ST told my wife, as much as forcing my wife to face the reality about the long term consequences of her actions. My wife mentally fought with the ST by avoiding her questions for quite a while. During one session, she told the ST that she was not my wife's boss and my wife didn't have to answer her questions or do the homework she suggested. One time, I asked the ST, if I sure try to make my wife do the homework or readings assigned. The ST, said no, I should not do that as it would just be the source of a fight between us. The process was to help my wife and me separately. If we didn't want help, that was our individual choice. My wife worked hard at her own mental reality and didn't want to see what she was doing.
  • The ST once said that my wife was acting like a rebellious teenager and that I needed to become the adult in the room, but not try to be her father. That was an important lesson for me. I had to learn how to be adult and not be drawn into fights and arguments when my wife yelled at me or "punched my hot buttons." I had to learn how to calmly ask questions as to why did she say certain things, or ask if that was what she really wanted.
  • The "deer in the headlights moment" was during one session when the ST asked my wife, if my wife thought we would eventually divorce if we no longer had sex. My wife avoided answering for quite a while, but finally admitted that yes, it would likely happen. The ST then asked me if I had ever thought about divorce. I said that yes, I had. In fact, I had studied the divorce laws for our state to learn what the typical time-line was from start to completion. I also said that I had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship by a certain major life milestone birthday. That I wanted to be in a loving sexual relationship with my wife and would work to rebuild our marriage, but if that wasn't possible, I was ready to divorce her and move on. I was very serious, and was not going to stay in a sexless marriage.
  • At that point the ST said my position seemed reasonable, gave my wife time to make changes if she wanted to and that my wife needed to figure out what she wanted to do and accept the consequences of her actions or inactions. The ST told my wife that she could choose divorce or not. The ST then helped me define what I meant by a "loving sexual relationship" in front of my wife over several sessions. Then after my wife said she didn't want divorce, the ST negotiated changes to that definition so that my wife could accept and commit to it.
  • The ST was incredible. She had a national reputation, had had a radio talk show, written a number of scholarly articles, and made many public presentations and interviews.
 

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........ The OP is having troubles, and the wife basically tells him she is only interested in the one intimacy he isn't capable of achieving.

[email protected] has to jump through hoops and hire an MC ( which isn't cheap ) to convince his wife she is headed for divorce if she doesn't straighten up.

There are plenty of people who live alone for years, their spouse having died. We often don't appreciate people until they are no longer with us.
Three thoughts. First, for most men there are an extreme range of ED treatments. They can include: exercise and regaining health, changes in medications, penis rings, pills, injections, pumps, implants, sonic shock treatments to promote blood flow. For some there is no alternative, but for most there are options. If there are no ED options, there are non-PIV methods of intimacy.

Second, even thought the ST was expensive, she was much less expensive than what two divorce attorney's would have cost.

There is an interesting book, I read called Still Sexy after all these years. It is based on interviews with around 60 women and how they have retained either sexuality or sensuality in their lives after having husbands with medical problems, death of a husband, or divorce. It was quite eye opening. While people sometimes don't appreciate what they have until it is gone, that doesn't mean they can't grow and change to fill voids in their life and happiness.
 

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Three thoughts. First, for most men there are an extreme range of ED treatments. They can include: exercise and regaining health, changes in medications, penis rings, pills, injections, pumps, implants, sonic shock treatments to promote blood flow. For some there is no alternative, but for most there are options. If there are no ED options, there are non-PIV methods of intimacy.

Second, even thought the ST was expensive, she was much less expensive than what two divorce attorney's would have cost.

There is an interesting book, I read called Still Sexy after all these years. It is based on interviews with around 60 women and how they have retained either sexuality or sensuality in their lives after having husbands with medical problems, death of a husband, or divorce. It was quite eye opening. While people sometimes don't appreciate what they have until it is gone, that doesn't mean they can't grow and change to fill voids in their life and happiness.
Every time read stories like this, it reiterates how blessed I am to be married to my wife. If she had ever wanted to distance herself from me, she would have received her wish.

Glad it worked out for you, it wouldn't have worked for me.
 

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About 12 years ago, when I was 60 years old, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me again.
You are lucky! I was 55 when the "no more sex" bomb was dropped.... :) I'm curious about your sex life now. You say it's once a week. But do you feel your wife is really into it? Or is there a "tinge"of duty sex? Just wondering. Before the sex stopped, our compromise was twice a month :( and it was definitely duty sex, but it was good sex... :)
 

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You are lucky! I was 55 when the "no more sex" bomb was dropped.... :) I'm curious about your sex life now. You say it's once a week. But do you feel your wife is really into it? Or is there a "tinge"of duty sex? Just wondering. Before the sex stopped, our compromise was twice a month :( and it was definitely duty sex, but it was good sex... :)
Actually the "loving sexual relationship" that I worked out with the Sex Therapist was three times a week. My wife agreed to that, but after a month, begged the sex therapist to renegotiate it to twice a week. So it has been twice a week, most weeks. My wife enjoys a good orgasm, once she is aroused, and I try to make that happen most times we make love.

I wouldn't call it "duty sex," but it is also not uninhibited swinging from the chandelier sex.

For me it is much more than my orgasms, it is the feeling of emotional bonding, that I want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.

When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.

I was put on T injections and my T Level went to 1000 and I was put on an Estrogen blocker. Now I suddenly want sex but cannot have it. I found out I had a cyst on my spinal cord that was causing numbness in my groin area. I had same day surgery that dissolved the cyst and now I can get a partial erection, still not hard enough to have sex though. But I can have an orgasm. I do not produce much sperm though. I have tried the pills and a pump and neither work, I cannot get the damn pump to work and make me hard.

My wife occasionally gets interested when she thinks I might be able to get an erection but then shuts down when she finds out that I am still not able to have sex. I have tried to talk her into having an affair with a guy who can have sex with her but so far she has refused. I hate making her suffer because of my problem. I know she wants sex but there is nothing I can do.

She always said she loved the feel of a penis inside her which is why she had so many lovers. So that is why I keep trying to get her to find an outside lover. Any suggestions on how to get her to find someone?
 

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I have had ED for several years. Back then there was no sex, no touching, no anything in our marriage. About the most sexual thing we did was a luke warm kiss now and then. My wife used to be very sexual and had a lot of partners (she claims from age 14 when she started having sex, until I met her at 50 she had almost 200 sexual encounters with men. That doesn't include the women she had been with. She says she had threesomes, foursomes and even more and went to a lot of orgies and group sex and used to pick up guys in bars and any place she could find a guy who would have sex with her.

When we got together things were very good and we had lots of sex, she loves anal. Anyway over the years we got married and I started having problems with getting and keeping an erection and eventually our sex life totally died out. It was like that for about 5 years and then I had my T level tested and found out that I had a T level of 33. My Estrogen level was higher and I was basically turning into a woman.

I was put on T injections and my T Level went to 1000 and I was put on an Estrogen blocker. Now I suddenly want sex but cannot have it. I found out I had a cyst on my spinal cord that was causing numbness in my groin area. I had same day surgery that dissolved the cyst and now I can get a partial erection, still not hard enough to have sex though. But I can have an orgasm. I do not produce much sperm though. I have tried the pills and a pump and neither work, I cannot get the damn pump to work and make me hard.

My wife occasionally gets interested when she thinks I might be able to get an erection but then shuts down when she finds out that I am still not able to have sex. I have tried to talk her into having an affair with a guy who can have sex with her but so far she has refused. I hate making her suffer because of my problem. I know she wants sex but there is nothing I can do.

She always said she loved the feel of a penis inside her which is why she had so many lovers. So that is why I keep trying to get her to find an outside lover. Any suggestions on how to get her to find someone?
Sounds to me like she has no problems finding dudes on her own.

Not sure why she would need your assistance with that.
 

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She doesn't want to find someone else. Maybe she's at an age where her libido has declined enough so that it isn't much of an issue for her now, or she doesn't feel that it would be right to do so even with permission. I'd stop pushing her to do something she may not want to do. At most, give her permission to pursue someone if she wants to, but then let it go; she can handle the rest if she decides to. Do specify if you want to know about it or not, if she does.

Don't skimp on affection and meaningful time together; that's also intimacy.
 
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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
Sounds to me like she has no problems finding dudes on her own.

Not sure why she would need your assistance with that.
The problem is she says she doesn't want to cheat. She was single when she had all the lovers. No she could find someone with no problems. I just worry that she is going without because of me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
She doesn't want to find someone else. Maybe she's at an age where her libido has declined enough so that it isn't much of an issue for her now, or she doesn't feel that it would be right to do so even with permission. I'd stop pushing her to do something she may not want to do. At most, give her permission to pursue someone if she wants to, but then let it go; she can handle the rest if she decides to. Do specify if you want to know about it or not, if she does.
I just want her to be happy and have a sex life that I cannot give her. I know what it is like to live with not having sex and wanting it. I do not want her to go through that because of me.
 

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I just want her to be happy and have a sex life that I cannot give her. I know what it is like to live with not having sex and wanting it. I do not want her to go through that because of me.
You've given her permission. You can't make her have sex with someone else if she doesn't want to, and it would be stupid and wrong to try. STOP.
 

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Sorry @Gomezaddams51 about your situation. I have the same issue I have to get shots of testosterone every two weeks as well. I also have to take the little pill as well, my issues are not quite as bad as yours. Do you guys every go out to clubs or bars to dance? I know may be more difficult currently with Covid issues but as they get better maybe that would be a possibility. If she got back out in the atmosphere she used to enjoy with your blessing that may get her to try it. Also, possibly a cruise when things get a little better. Best of luck!
 
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