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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I am anita. I am 23 years old. I am in love from past 4 years. 1 year back I admitted to parents about my love. As usual like most of the indian parents do they opposed for it. However there are certain differences which has made them act so..

1) My guy and me are not of same caste.
( Mainly because he belong to a backward caste … but even I belong to a backward caste (found it on internet wikipedia) which my parents deny to agree!)
2) He is into business form 5 years.. because of which he discontinued his studies from 2nd puc / 12th. Whereas I hold a bachelors degree in engineering. ( This serves as a major hurdle! )
3) My parents don't like the business he is into! He runs a salon and works as a salonist and beautician.

Now we have no idea how to convince my parents. There is no problem from his side. It's all about my parents. He has great respect for my parents. When I revealed about my love.. he came to my house and tried hard convincing my parents.

But they were not even ready to listen to his words. Since that was the first meeting of his with my family.. we could not talk much. He had to leave.

They even warned me not to be in contact with him. As a result of all these problems.. I am bound to talk or msg him secretly,which most of the times makes me feel guilty for cheating my parents.

When they were not knowing about my love, it was a different case. But now they know, still I am unable to be open with them. Day by day this is increasing my guilt feel.

But I also feel reveling this matter will definitely make things still worse.. they will only try to get me married to someone else as soon as possible. That's the reason I am not able to reveal this to my parents right now.

But one or the other day they will come to know about this. The sad part is me and my guy have no idea how to face the situation at that time. Though he has certain plans like making himself financially strong.. getting support of his family etc, I have no idea how far its gonna work.

I would really like to get some valuable help from you guys. Please help me with some ideas or advices or even some plans where I can convince my parents in a better way for my marriage with my beloved one.

I really thankyou for reading all through this, i know it takes a great deal of patience to go through such a lengthy post. Kindly provide some advice to tackle this problem in a better way.
 

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The more you act like an adult, the more people will treat you as an adult.

If you live at home, get a job and move out. Same with your boyfriend.

The anger from your parents won't be the worse thing you will face in a relationship/marriage with your boyfriend. If you show solidarity now, it will make you stronger.
 

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I'm trying not to be offended at cultures that are different than mine, but honestly it's not easy. Sorry, I just had to get that out. I have no advice for you that wouldn't make you go against your parents wishes as a sentient adult.
 

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Look, your parents are worrying that you are "marrying down". Fact is that in any marriage, one person is always marrying down either in terms of looks, education, money, career, etc. Yet we see so many marriages work.

You should realize that there is no such thing as marriage between equals. Equality is a state of mind. Looks like you have it and your parents dont.

If you truly believe you have found your life partner, go for it.

BTW, my software engineer Indian friend married her beau who is a cook by flying in the face of constant and relentless family pressure to marry someone "better". They are still together after 14 years and have a great little kid. But to me all that is irrelevant. Whenever I saw them together, I saw true love. I saw that and I knew that they would work out.

Again one more thing, usually society and even our minds are used to the man being the "more equal" in a relationship. The two of YOU will actively have to deal with it. Not your family, not your friends. YOU both have to deal with it:
In my friends case, because of the constant pressure, she looked for a job in the USA, then UK. Her cook husband came with her as a dependent. Could not work. Was at home all the time. Never complained. She never ill treated him, never lost respect for him. After 7 years together, he got a job. All the while he was extremely cheerful, even more than her. This takes doing, it isnt easy. Note that you both will have to actively do this as well.

So, best of luck to you. Think about what I said and go ahead with what your heart and mind dictate/
 

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I have heard stories of parents who have tried to kill their children for marrying out of caste. Is there any chance that this will happen?
People here don't understand what family means to Indians, it is more than we can imagine as Americans. We are very individualistic. I really think you need to get advice from people who understand your culture.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hi Chris, Thankyou for the tip.. i am already working but not yet thought of moving out. I have planned to keep it aside until a situation arises where there is no other way than moving out. As of now.. I am looking for a way out to convince my parents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi WorkingonMe,

I understand your point, making a marriage life successful against the culture is not an easy task as it seem to be. And I have not yet decide on the whole to go against my parents.. if that was the decision then probably you could not have seen this post on the forum. But still i am honestly looking for a way to make these things work. I just need both my parents and my boyfriend without hurting each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hi diwali123,
Thankyou for the thought of helping though you are not really into an indian culture. And I love that fact of being individualistic most of the times :) Or may be its just like "the grass is greener on the other side". Everyone has got relationship problems.. as of india.. its more easy to find problems in relationship. I found few indian members on this forums.. so thought get some help.. not a problem. Anyone who could understand my situation are welcome..
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hi cdelta02,
Thankyou for being exactly at the point ... "marrying down" . I understand from society point of view this might be unequal marriage. As you said all marriages are unequal.. no problem arises when a guy is at "higher position" than the girl.. but the actual problem here is its the other way round on certain matters. And as far as I know.. my guy has got talent and he is not working under anyone. He has his own business to look after.. most of the times he is responsible enough in terms of financial matters which I have already seen 4 years from now. So, definitely there won't be a financial problem in our life.. The only problem that could arise is the "unwelcome unequalness" present in our marriage life. But I feel we need to face certain things in life boldly to move on and lead a happy life against these differences.
 

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I will offer a different perspective. It is coming from a different point of view and my own experience. So take this with a grain of salt.

Right now you are anxious about the future. Please don't take any hasty decision. Try to reason with your parents with some examples (if you can find them) where a relationship like yours worked. People often change their decisions when they see a concrete proof in favor of doing so.

I know you might not like to hear it, but your parents want what is the best for you at the end of the day. Does that mean they know what is best for you? May be, may be not. But do you? You have known this guy for four years. But haven't lived with him. Even a lifetime is not enough to know a person. Browse this board and you will find many stories of relationship failing after couples stay together for 15-20 years. Does this mean your relationship is under threat? No. Every marital relationship is unique and comes with its own set of challenges. But if you share a true bond with your parents, that's eternal. Does that mean all parents do what's best for their children without keeping their own interest in their mind? No. But if your parents want what is the best for you, and not for them, then it might be worth your effort to try to sway them in your favor instead of making them your enemy.

The best solution for you in my opinion is to get out of that house and may be moving to a different city. Once your parents start missing you, they might become more sympathetic to your needs. As long as you are living with them, they will feel immense power over you. You need to break that first.

I wish you all the best. Just remember one thing: nothing is eternal in life. Keep your expectations low and that way you will experience less pain.
 
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