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Spouse watching porn

  • No big deal

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  • deal breaker

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Good morning,

On Sunday, I discovered my H using a private browser on his phone. The last site he visited was still up-PornHub. When I questioned about the private browsing he said his phone updated with that and that he had nothing to do with it. I said, "oh, okay".I know this is not true and that you actually have to push icons/buttons to use the private browsing session. So, I don't believe him because he had to use it to type in the PornHub website. The last issue we had was in December and he was using KIK to send and receive photos. We have had issues with online chatting, facebook messages, emails, sexting, and affairs while on the road (I can't prove this, but know it has happened) for over 20 years. He always apologizes, says he will leave, then gets angry like it's my fault, refuses to discuss it and calls me paranoid and delusional. I am lucky because he hasn't given me an STD. Our girls are in college-so they are not the reason I stay. I really don't know why I stay. I guess may be I am used to it and don't see being alone an option. I am educated with a masters degree and have a job. Why do I feel so ignorant when it comes to my husband. I am tired of the cycle of drama. The last two times I found suspicious items I was not even looking for them. I have gotten to the point that I don't have the energy to confront him or try to decipher his truths from the lies. It is so exhausting. The ridiculous thing is that we had just finished moving my stuff out of my apartment so that I could be home full time! I feel like saying to him, why did you tell me you were still doing this? I would have permanently moved out! I haven't given the landlord the keys yet and am thinking I may move out permanently.

Is there anyway I can see what he is doing when in private browsing on safari?
 

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Don't give the keys back move your stuff back to the apartment. He won't change
 
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I think enough is enough. This isn't going to change. What more could you possibly want/need to find to make you call it quits?

You don't need to figure out his browsing history. You need to keep the apartment keys, take your stuff and move out. For good.

I would also suggest counseling.
 

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Why were you in your own apartment?

Do you think you might be codependent and that's why you can't leave?

Why isn't being single an option for you? I'd rather be single than be with a cheater. BTDT. Have you thought that you just might meet someone else? But you certainly can't do that while you're with your cheater husband.

If I were you, I'd stay right there in my apartment. Your husband isn't going to change. Let him go and set yourself free. Don't bother with trying to see what he's doing while in private mode--that in and of itself tells you everything you need to know--that he's up to no good and doesn't want you to know.

Get a consultation with a lawyer to get information and know your rights should you divorce. Doesn't mean you have to follow through. Make that consultation a fact-finding meeting.
 

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So, WHY were you in your own apartment if you were married for 20 years? Did you move out due his infidelities?
You CAN setup a browser to DEFAULT to private mode, BUT you HAVE to do that, and oh yeah, private mode doesn't automatically take you to PornHub!

Look you KNOW he is a cheat, you KNOW he has actively looked and cheated (chatting/FB/KIK/etc.) -- do you need PROOF of this? This isn't a court of law -- this is a court of YOU and you already KNOW the answer here.

I think @lucy999 is correct -- you are co-dependent and need to break that. You need to talk with a lawyer to at least see what that path holds -- get your plan together JUST in case you decide this. What about your D's? Do THEY see what he does to you? They may know more than you think....
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Why were you in your own apartment?

Do you think you might be codependent and that's why you can't leave?

Why isn't being single an option for you? I'd rather be single than be with a cheater. BTDT. Have you thought that you just might meet someone else? But you certainly can't do that while you're with your cheater husband.

If I were you, I'd stay right there in my apartment. Your husband isn't going to change. Let him go and set yourself free. Don't bother with trying to see what he's doing while in private mode--that in and of itself tells you everything you need to know--that he's up to no good and doesn't want you to know.

Get a consultation with a lawyer to get information and know your rights should you divorce. Doesn't mean you have to follow through. Make that consultation a fact-finding meeting.
I had my own apartment because I had been really sick and it was 5 minutes from my work verses 75min. So I stayed there several nights a week while I was recovering. I am thinking I must be co-dependent. I have no idea why I am afraid to leave him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
One of our daughters knows a bit because she is still living at home. The other one doesn't know as she lives out of state at college. She is home now due to covid-19.
 

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It would behoove you to (1) leave him for good, (2) divorce him, and (3) get into serious counseling so you can explore why you've stayed for this long. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it frankly baffles me why an educated woman who has a decent job would spend another nanosecond with what sounds like pond scum. Hope you realize sooner rather than later that you deserve far better than this.
 

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Maybe you tolerate his actions because deep down, you feel this is what you deserve. :( I'd work on that aspect of things, because doesn't sound like he's ever going to change. Find the strength to love yourself, respect yourself, and then most likely...you won't want to be with a jerk like him. So much of what we tolerate starts with us, not the other person. Your fear of change, of looking deeper inside of yourself, keeps you stuck. I hope you find time especially in light of all that is going on with this pandemic, to see that life is precious, stop wasting it on a guy who truly doesn't love you.
 

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I suggest you make a plan before you take action (perhaps individual counseling).

Among other things:
  • see an attorney about how divorce will impact you; where/when to serve notice of D on him; and what strategy to follow with respect to your house and other assets.
  • separate your share of the bank accounts,
  • get tested for STDs,
  • change your will & life insurance policy
 

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Only you can answer why you are still with him.

Alone is a relative term. What do you mean by not wanting to be alone, relative to your life?

How do you feel about having a sexual partner who is spreading himself around to other women? How do you know you don't have a STD? Have you been tested recently?
 

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He’s not ever going to change. Either learn to live with it or else find the strength to move on. Is divorce easy? Nope. But it’s worth it to no longer live in a dysfunctional marriage (I stayed decades longer than I should have in my marriage so I have a really good idea of what that’s like and I don’t recommend it).
 
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