Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 90 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey, so should a husband and wife share passwords to Facebook/email/cell phones/etc.?

I had a feeling my hubby was chatting with a woman (he met at work a month ago), went through his phone and found a picture of her and text messages (non-sexual). She was also his new Facebook friend. So... I asked him if he's been chatting with her and he denied it, so I told him I what I found in his phone! He was keeping this from me and I wouldn't have known if I didn't find it. He said she sent him the pic so he could set her up with a friend of ours, who isn't single. Also, he believes I shouldn't have access to texts from/to his best buddies, so I think that means he has texted them about something he has to hide! Now, a week later, he's changed his password, says he is entitled to his privacy and refuses to share anything with me... In the text conversation with her, he mentioned going to his office (right beside the gym) so he could use his laptop at work, after the gym. So... last night, he said he was going to the gym and would be a couple of hours. After 4 hours I called him and he was at the office (bad cell reception is a dead giveaway)! I called him on the BS and he got defensive right away, it turned into an arguement and it wasn't resolved. He had a suitcase already packed up (I had no idea), took his stuff and left this morning without saying when he'd be back.

I get that with all my "questioning" I have been asking him indirectly if he's cheating and he says NO, and is insulted that I have accused him, which I haven't. I just asked questions about his actions and what he's said lately.

He feels his privacy is invaded, and I feel that he has crossed a line and turned outside our marriage by chatting to her about things he should be telling me.

The way I see it, he has everything to hide and told me he's not backing down. I am feeling that my trust for him has eroded and he won't show me he has nothing to hide! And on the flip side, if he is guility of whatever, if I knew, I could deal with it!
He's just not giving me anything.

He doesn't get it that he has upset me and that I am totally struggling with trust issues after him lying to me. Now I know something is/was going on!

Has anyone else gone through this and what did you do about it to work things out and compromise? There has to be a way.

What do you think? Also, how should I be reacting to him now? I don't know what to say or do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
If he has nothing to hide, he wouldn't be upset. Plain and simple. The problem you face now is that you confronted before you could do some digging.

If you are wanting to work on the marriage I would pull the catch 22. You will have to wait about 6 months, letting him think he has his privacy. Start having divorce papers drawn up and when he comes home with his phone and laptop, ask him to hand it over and log into everything. I bet he still won't give you the information, that is when you hand him the papers or continue to bury your head in the sand. Also, you might want to search his car when you can. He knows that you are on to him....it is time to get sneaky!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,571 Posts
First of all, before all this started, how was your marriage?


If this is an emotional affair, and I'm not saying it is, what is he getting out of it that he's not getting from the marriage? If your answer to that question points to something you could reasonably give to him, then start doing it.

It really sounds like you are hounding him and being needy and clingy and frankly, that would drive anyone away.

I know there are lots of people on TAM who will disagree with me, but I think to should drop the accusations immediately and give him space. As you give him space, work on yourself. Make yourself happy, make yourself exciting.

You said in another thread that you've been married 7 years. The old 7 year itch? Has the relationship become stale? Predictable? Is he going through something at work that makes him feel worn out, emotionally worn out so much that he needs to find something about which to be excited, to regain his enthusiasm for life?

Worry about him talking to other women is, in my opinion, just plain stupid. You can never control another person, you can only control yourself. Make yourself the kind of exciting woman that he can't wait to get home to. If you do that and he doesn't respond then you can worry.

It is possible for a married person to have a friendship with the opposite sex, but many here on TAM think that is an EA and I don't agree. If you have to hound your husband, spy on him, test him, and demand his give up any privacy... You don't have much of a marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
This is better placed at the CWI (coping with infidelity) forum, lots of similar cases there....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
...
It is possible for a married person to have a friendship with the opposite sex, but many here on TAM think that is an EA and I don't agree. If you have to hound your husband, spy on him, test him, and demand his give up any privacy... You don't have much of a marriage.
I think also that it's possible to have opposite sex friendships, but if there are certain boundaries crossed it became an EA.

The H surely behaves like having an EA/PA, so checking that out is very justified here.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Anonymous07

·
Registered
Joined
·
589 Posts
Based on your other thread, you have every reason to be concerned. I would try to determine whether or not he is with her..his EA/confidant.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Although I believe in full transparency, I see two things that would concern me.

1) he's willing to set up a married man with this woman - whether it's a lie because he's interested in her or not is a huge red flag as to how he views extramarital affairs - he's saying right up front he approves and is willing to facilitate one.

2) he already had a bag packed so he already knew he was going to leave and go elsewhere.

Normally I don't jump to conclusions but those signs are not good. I could see being annoyed that you were checking up on him but if he had nothing to hide, why change all of the passwords and get super secretive?

It may be too late for you to smooth things over and wait 6 months for him to relax. And would you want the toll that would take emotionally?

Maybe instead address the things you DO know - like 1 and 2 and discuss with him. Find out if he's unhappy and ask him to attend marriage counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
1) he's willing to set up a married man with this woman - whether it's a lie because he's interested in her or not is a huge red flag as to how he views extramarital affairs - he's saying right up front he approves and is willing to facilitate one.

2) he already had a bag packed so he already knew he was going to leave and go elsewhere.
1.) You are totally right and have a point. It's just another way he is justifying communicating with her! Also, he is using his buddy as an ecapegoat/excuse and say's I was at his house, or chatted with him, etc. Load of bull. Oh, and he said he couldn't date her cuz she is too much like him. Ya right.

2.) He sent me a text saying he'd tell me where he went, but is mad cuz I wouldn't believe him anyway. It would help me know who he's talking to about our issues!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,967 Posts
I think all "electronic" should be shared..no "secret codes" ..ALL open..exception is a written diary..(hand written) ..but communications with others? open..Unless I'm "on the phone" and I say I WANT private..other than that the whole secret e-mail and blah blah blah ..

If you really want to "know "though..whats in your spouses head if you really care..TALK to them..Maybe they will tell you something..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
402 Posts
When married, the two people become one flesh so there is no privacy in marriage, period. If you want privacy, stay single.

Time after time, couples who do not operate on the above basis will find themselves in the coping with infidelity forum.

Exception:
Going to the bathroom
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,967 Posts
When married, the two people become one flesh so there is no privacy in marriage, period. If you want privacy, stay single.

Time after time, couples who do not operate on the above basis will find themselves in the coping with infidelity forum.

Exception:
Going to the bathroom
why cant I watch you go to the bathroom?What are you hiding?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,407 Posts
The wife and I have separate laptops. Technically, she can have my password, but it's long and cryptic and I'm glad she can't easily remember it.

I've worked too many years in the computer industry to let another person into my account, even my wife. I've had to deal with the cleanup from viruses sent in emails, corrupted accounts and hard disks, and all of the other headaches that come along with a novice user who doesn't fully understand how to avoid getting compromised.

I will tell her the password to my account if she has to type it in to do something immediate, so I don't refuse her access, but I also don't grant it easily.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,582 Posts
I seem to recall other posts in TAM from women who say "sometimes I talk to my girlfriends about private things like issues with my husband or friend issues that I don't want my husband to see." Are those legitimate reasons to lock phones/computers?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
I seem to recall other posts in TAM from women who say "sometimes I talk to my girlfriends about private things like issues with my husband or friend issues that I don't want my husband to see." Are those legitimate reasons to lock phones/computers?
I might not be the 'norm' but i don't discuss personal things about my marriage with my friends.... never have. There's nothing I say/write/text to a friend that hubby couldn't see... so no need to lock any personal devices.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,571 Posts
I seem to recall other posts in TAM from women who say "sometimes I talk to my girlfriends about private things like issues with my husband or friend issues that I don't want my husband to see." Are those legitimate reasons to lock phones/computers?
Yes, yes they are. Sometimes we need to organize our thoughts and feeling before we can be effective in dealing with our spouse. Your friends deserve the confidentiality they have always been given. I have friends from childhood, he doesn't get to be privy to those conversations. I have new friends we've made as a couple. He does get to know about those conversations. Being married, they way some of you describe it, sound horribly limiting and debilitating.

Self confidence and trust, much more mature and most likely to promote healthy growth individually and as a couple.
 
  • Like
Reactions: BridgeOfHeartaches

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,571 Posts
Nope. What do girlfriends talk about that they can't share with their husbands? I can't think of one thing I would tell friends that my husband couldn't know.
Posted via Mobile Device
We could discuss my husband for instance. If you are my friend and I divulge things to you, I have the right to expect confidentiality. I have the right to talk with you about my life without your husband knowing what I'm saying. If you feel I don't have that right, I sure you every one of your friends understands that you don't keep their confidence.
 
  • Like
Reactions: timetofigureitout

·
Registered
Joined
·
327 Posts
I think that ok, if you want to talk about your husband to your friends that is totally fine. You should be able to in complete confidentiality. In person. Or via phone conversation and not by text, if you don't want anyone to see that conversation.
There is NO reson to have password protected phones/computers, NO reason NOT to share facebook/email passwords.
Even if you don't snoop, at least the confidence was put in you that there is nothing to hide so you can 'see for yourself if need be'.
Im not saying I am a fan of snooping, just transperency in relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,287 Posts
We could discuss my husband for instance. If you are my friend and I divulge things to you, I have the right to expect confidentiality. I have the right to talk with you about my life without your husband knowing what I'm saying. If you feel I don't have that right, I sure you every one of your friends understands that you don't keep their confidence.
My husband is an extension of me, and I of him. If my friends don't want him to know something, then guess what? Don't tell me. Because, I keep NOTHING from him. Guess what? They still tell me their secrets, knowing that my husband is the only one I talk to about these things. So, I am in the camp that keeps nothing from my spouse, and that includes friends secrets. Everything is open to him. Everything. And everything of his is open to me.
 
1 - 20 of 90 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top