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Should spouses have secrets?

  • Some secrets are ok.

    Votes: 3 27.3%
  • Why not?

    Votes: 1 9.1%
  • It depends, secrets from before you met are okay.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Transparency between spouses is best.

    Votes: 7 63.6%
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Not sure where to start, there is a backstory but the bottom line is this, is it unreasonable for me to expect my husband to give me passwords to his email and Facebook and Tumblr and CraigsList and BackPages and anything else he has that may be password protected?

Also, if he does give me these passwords and I happen to access one of the accounts and it raises questions for me with regard to how much he keeps from me and I ask about it to be met with utter rage and denial and yelling at me about how I don't trust him and he is tired of being stalked by me, does this make me a control freak?

I feel everyone has a right to privacy and that not every single thought or fantasy has to be revealed, however, on the other side of this, I hide nothing and I do not get angry if I learn that he may have looked through my phone or email, although he claims he never does this, I have no problem if he does

I feel he is my soul mate and deserves to have 100% of me, mind, body and soul I thought we shared the same, apparently, I was wrong. :frown2:

TIA for any response from anyone who took the time to try to understand this garbled thinking.
 

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IMHO, there are two different categories of privacy here.

One is relatively innocent Little things he might be embarrassed about like he bought a new set of golf clubs
And doesn't want you to know about it. Or he's been looking at female celebs online and doesn't want you to know.

The other is more sinister. You know what I mean, I don't have to tell you.

In an ideal world, there would be no secrets, but in my opinion some privacy is OK.
Fortunately so far my wife trusts me and has never asked me for passwords.
If she asked? I would have to give them to her.

The fact your husband yells and screams not a good sign, but not proof by itself of nefarious activities.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
IMHO, there are two different categories of privacy here.

The fact your husband yells and screams not a good sign, but not proof by itself of nefarious activities.
I feel as though the yelling is a defensive tactic to shut me up and change the subject. However, if there is nothing to hide, what's there to be in defense of?
 

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Backpage? Isn't that an escort site?

I think there is a thin line between normal checking up and obsessive stalking. Some people will go through everything with a fine tooth comb and try to analyze it. Some become obsessive and need to know every number, every text. It only hurts the marriage at that point as there should be enough trust to not need to check everything.

Let's say I have 10 messenger conversations, he can see based on the names that 5 are family, 2 are girlfriends, 1 is his obviously, 1 my ex for child stuff and say 1 he doesn't recognize the name so he takes a quick peek, sees it is a buy and sell page thing and leaves.

He doesn't need to read through everyone one.

To me that is the difference between privacy and secrecy. I'm not keeping anything secret but I still have expect some privacy.

All my stuff is open to him. I trust him with my passwords but that also means I trust he won't go snooping through everything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
Backpage? Isn't that an escort site?

I think there is a thin line between normal checking up and obsessive stalking. Some people will go through everything with a fine tooth comb and try to analyze it. Some become obsessive and need to know every number, every text. It only hurts the marriage at that point as there should be enough trust to not need to check everything.

Let's say I have 10 messenger conversations, he can see based on the names that 5 are family, 2 are girlfriends, 1 is his obviously, 1 my ex for child stuff and say 1 he doesn't recognize the name so he takes a quick peek, sees it is a buy and sell page thing and leaves.

He doesn't need to read through everyone one.

To me that is the difference between privacy and secrecy. I'm not keeping anything secret but I still have expect some privacy.

All my stuff is open to him. I trust him with my passwords but that also means I trust he won't go snooping through everything.

Re: BackPages, I had never heard of it, when I asked he said it was like Craigslist, when I looked at the site, it seemed more explicit than Craigslist.

What you described with regard to what you expect is exactly what I mean, if something seems off, I want to know, reassurance, so to speak, no need to go through everything, I am not obsessed, however, right now, after being made to feel that I am crazy and unreasonable to look at anything of his because he deserves privacy and I should just implicitly trust him, TBH has made me want to go through everything. I truly don't go looking for problems but I wanted reassurance and the reaction has made me feel uneasy and if I listen to him, crazy.
 

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I have only ever known anyone using backpage for escorts and gay sex. It's set up like Craigslist but it's a hooker site.

I was hoping there was another "backpage" site you were talking about but if it's the Craigslist type one, it is hookers and/or gay sex.

For me personally that alone means I need passwords and yes I would be going through things more carefully.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am forgiving when honesty is applied. There is a chance for redemption if the truth is told. "Big trouble" is a possibility but I honestly don't think he has actually hooked up, that being said, he has obviously entertained the thought.
 

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Clearly he's trying to make you doubt yourself... and it's working.

He wouldn't do this if he didn't have anything to hide.

Trust your instincts.

idk if it'd be applicable but my son googled
SHOW SAVED PASSWORDS FIREFOX
in my PC the other day cuz I forgot my password and apparently you can find them?

If you know his google password, you can also see a history of his googles (though it's not a complete listing) that might be *interesting*. https://myactivity.google.com/myactivity
 

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I feel he is my soul mate and deserves to have 100% of me.
From THAT statement alone:

I would bend over backwards so far I would flip.......over and above.

I would always "strive" to "own" my women 100%.

What's hers is mine. She would get 100% of me, too.

But she would be the in-fact loser, her stuff looks better, smells better and is much more fun to have and to hold.

That saying, he should open his wack-pack and expose his dark places.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Clearly he's trying to make you doubt yourself... and it's working.

He wouldn't do this if he didn't have anything to hide.

Trust your instincts.

idk if it'd be applicable but my son googled
SHOW SAVED PASSWORDS FIREFOX
in my PC the other day cuz I forgot my password and apparently you can find them?

If you know his google password, you can also see a history of his googles (though it's not a complete listing) that might be *interesting*. https://myactivity.google.com/myactivity
Sadly, I am in agreement with trusting my gut. Idk if I was looking for validation or opposition to my gut when I posted.

I don't know his pw.....part of the reason for this thread to begin with.
 

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I think it depends on the scenario. I'm on the other spectrum of this. My husband is demanding everything of mine and going through it with a fine toothed comb. Anything he thinks is an inconsistency is questioned and made to be more than it is ie: him "why do you have 2 instagram accounts?" me "one is personal for friends and family and one is for work for which I am required to have." him "why don't you put pictures of us on your work one?! You must be cheating!" It gets to the point where I am always on the defense and so sick of being accused of doing something I'm not, that when he starts his crap and wants to ask questions I know are going to be warped and turned around, I get angry. I get defensive. So, if this is a new thing for you and he is being defensive I would be slightly worried. But if you've been beating him down about it for a while and he's just sick of it... then I would say his response is normal.

But with that being said I have no idea what Backdoor is, but based on other comments it doesn't sound good. I would request access to that one account and have him sit down and explain why he has it.
 

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When I was engaged, I thought sharing passwords was intrusive, and my husband isn't my warden, etc...but, now we both have shared them. We don't look at each other's stuff, but we could if we wanted to. But, I don't think that every thought I have needs to be expressed to my husband, and I know he doesn't share every single thought he has. Marriage makes you one, but we are still individuals. Finding the right balance, is important. :)
 
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