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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Context: Me (27 male), Her (26 female), Dating 2.75 years, Living together

My girlfriend is pressuring me to get married, and I'm just very worried. I will admit I am a little cynical about marriage in general, but I see some problems with our relationship that I don't want to see enlarged if we get married, and worse yet, if we have kids. Am I being overly paranoid or rightfully cautious?

Below is a description of my main issue, let me know what y'all think.

1. We have assigned chores split down the middle.
2. In the past, if she failed to do her chores, I would remind her and she would become resentful and not do them.
3. If I remind her again, it's like a never ending passive aggressive loop and nothing gets done. So now, I've just been quietly doing my chores and hope for the best, but nothing ever gets done.

This is the issue with dishes, dogs, and laundry. I don't even want to think about how this behavior would play out with the amount of work required to raise kids. Is this type of thing fixable or is it better I leave?
 

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I was the woman in her situation in my last relationship. The more you "remind" her to do her chores like she's a child and not an equal partner, the more she percieves it as so as thinks of you as a nag and pain in the rear. She'll get to it when she gets to it and you need to relax about it. Not saying either one of you is wrong, its just how she probably percieves it. Maybe try premarrital counseling?
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Does she have a full time job?

I would be very concerned if I were you.

Her behavior could be a passive aggressive response to you nagging her. But you say it goes week after week and she does not do her part. Both are immature reactions.

Even if your nagging is bothering her, she needs to do her part.

No matter the reason it will get worse after marriage. Things that bother always get worse after marriage.

I’ve lived with a man who is like this for the last 12 years. I am so sorry that I married him.

Do not let her push you into marriage unless/until this is solved. If it's not solved I really suggest that you move on.
 

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She is showing you who she is. If you don't like what you see now, maybe it's time to move on. The choice is up to you.

Will she change as a person? Only if she wants to. You can not change her from who she is.

Maybe you can tell her the reasoning why you are putting off the proposal. Give her the list you gave us. Not communicating issues and problems tend to make us hold in resentments.

Having children really does take up a lot of time and energy the first few years of their lives. If she can't get the chores done now, she may not do them in the future. Find out why they are not getting done. Is she lazy or overworked at her job and working overtime? Splitting them down the middle is fair when both are working.

You really need to get this straightened out before you marry. I do not think your overly cautious at all. It's only fixable if she is willing to work on it.
 

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1. We have assigned chores split down the middle.
2. In the past, if she failed to do her chores, I would remind her and she would become resentful and not do them.
3. If I remind her again, it's like a never ending passive aggressive loop and nothing gets done. So now, I've just been quietly doing my chores and hope for the best, but nothing ever gets done.
Hi Ranty,
Your wife seems to have a negative [ passive aggressive attitude] towards responsibility.
Mine was the same and we are working on it.
She would neglect her responsibilities [ we have a business ] which would cause the business to loose money. Whenever I confronted her she would "play dumb."
Sometimes she would blame me.

But I always stood my ground .

I did some research and realized that it could have been connect to some early childhood experiences.
What worked , was encouraging her to express her
" negative " emotions whenever she felt it. If she was upset , annoyed or whatever. Just let it out.

I also helped her identify why she was acting the way she was acting,and what was wrong with it. [ I developed my own method by telling her to " flip the script." She was honest enough to admit that she wouldn't like it if I did the same things to her like she did to me , for the exact , same reasons.]
I think a lot of it was rooted in low self esteem issues from childhood.

But thankfully, hers was not chronic and IMO, it was manageable. She still has some residual stuff, but I can live with that, and we are still working on it.
[ That's how I ended up on TAM! ]

Of course I'm saying all of this based on if you love her and she is willing to work on it.
Everyone has their own demons.
 

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I think you should tell her that you both NEED to go to couples' counseling BEFORE there will be any engagement as you BOTH need to air your thoughts, concerns, goals.

If she REFUSES to go to counseling, then you need to pull the plug. You've already sunk almost 3 years into the relationship.

If she GOES to counseling, she will either fully participate (in which case you can resolve your differences or agree you don't belong together long-term) or she will resist participating and only attend to pacify you and get her engagement ring (in which case you need to pull the plug because non-participation is just as unhelpful as non-attendance.)

Her willingness/unwillingness to maturely address your problems will give you ALL the answer you need into whether to proceed with this relationship into 2013.
 

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What happens if the chores don't get done?

Is it anything really important, or just that, for example, dirty dishes sit in the sink?

Also, when she doesn't do them, what happens? Do you do them for her? What happens if you don't do them and she doesn't do them? Does she eventually do them?

I notice you mention chores being split down the middle. It is hard to keep a scorecard in a marriage. Especially with kids, differing work demands, etc. I also notice you say you've been together 2.75 years. 2.75 is very precise. Is this a hint that maybe you are on the neat side of the spectrum and she is on the sloppy side? Did you ever see the old TV show or the movie "The Odd Couple"? It's about two guys who are roommates, but one is a neat freak and the other couldn't care less about neatness. Both get through life just fine, it's just that the sloppiness of the one really bothers the other.

I'm not saying that you should do it all and she should do none. But this is something that you should work out before you get married.

Also, from her point of view, what do you think her biggest concern with you is? You nagging her about not doing chores?

My guess is that her biggest concern is that she has given you 2.75 years of her life and decided you're the one for her and now is afraid it all will be wasted time because you won't commit to her. Could this be having any effect on her willingness to do things to please you, such as chores?

I am a bit older than you. As time goes on, I care less and less about whether or not dirty dishes are sitting in the sink.

I don't really know what is going on with the chores in your relationship and I'm sorry if I've read too much into your post, but this is something you have to discuss and work out before you get married. If you can't work out stuff like this, you will have much bigger problems when it comes to issues like differences in opinions about raising kids, financial decisions, and other major life crises.
 

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I don't know of one single marriage, couples living together, roommates living together, entire families living together where chores are split EXACTLY 50/50.

I don't have enough information here.

When it is her turn to do the dishes, she doesn't, you remind her & she gets resentful & still doesn't do them, then do you do them or do they sit there forever dirty in the sink?

Regardless, if there are things that "irritate" you now, these irritations unless "fixed" to your satisfaction will get worse when you are married as time goes on.

You are smart to realize this. I agree with pre-marital counseling as suggested already.
 

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Run forest Run!.

Seriously.... these are valid concerns. They will only get worse with marriage & kids.

Next time she doesn't do her share for over a specific period of time, tell her she's got to go. You are an adult & in an adult relationship. If she cannot pull her weight now.. there is no way you want that to continue for a lifetime. Explain that to her. Don't just sideswipe her after the fact of a month of her not doing chores....

But, it is a valid concern. Especially if you are the type that cares about order & neatness & cleanliness.
 

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Do not feel pressured to marry. You will not know the person completely before marriage. It takes time. As long as you love the person, you can forgive their faults and live with them. You might not find a better person to spend your life with. Remember that I am sure you have resented it too if she had pointed your faults, just not remembering it. I am not accusing you, just saying that we fail to remember our side of things as well. I think if you love her, you should marry her despite these few faults. Nobody is perfect and love takes some time to grow too
 

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Do not feel pressured to marry. You will not know the person completely before marriage. It takes time. As long as you love the person, you can forgive their faults and live with them. You might not find a better person to spend your life with. Remember that I am sure you have resented it too if she had pointed your faults, just not remembering it. I am not accusing you, just saying that we fail to remember our side of things as well. I think if you love her, you should marry her despite these few faults. Nobody is perfect and love takes some time to grow too
^^^^^
This has been my experience with my wife.
I didn't know about her issues until long after we were married.
But we were able to work on it.
 

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If the woman isn't wife material to you, why are you still wasting your time (and her's)? Isn't the idea of dating "mate selection"? It's taking you nearly 3 years to see she isn't really a team player? You are wise to assume character flaws magnify once a ring is placed on someone's finger. What you are seeing is the way this woman acts at her absolute best, when she's trying to sell you on the notion of marriage. What do you imagine you'll get once the trap has been sprung?
 
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