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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
Im new to this website so please forgive my ignorance in posting messages.

Ive joined this site to read up as much as i can on marriage - the love & the joys as well as the hard times, of which im sure there will be many.

Im getting married in september & have a few questions regarding marriage.

1. Is premarital counseling advisable as my fiance & i have been together for almost 3 years & engaged for 1 year. We have been living together for 2 years. & if you do think its advisable, perhaps someone has a name of a counselor in the durban area who we can contact.

2. Is it considered 'normal' for me to be having thoughts of sex with other men (who i work with or meet on a daily basis) at this stage of my relationship with my fiance ? I fantasize & literally dream some nights about sex with other men even though I am totally in love with my partner & cant wait to marry him.... I assumed it might be the marriage thing sub-consciously worrying me perhaps ??..

any advice would be great. thanks
 

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I really like an article Lisa Kift wrote about Premarital Counseling:

Getting Married? 6 Great Reasons to Get Premarital Counseling | by Lisa Kift, MFT

Having sexual thoughts about others seems pretty normal for the most part, but I guess it depends on how much they preoccupy your mind, and if it is interfering in your life at all. If it is making you very uncomfortable, maybe you should talk to a therapist about it.
 

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I will only address your question about pre-marital counseling as I don't have any advice regarding your second question. My advice is pre-marital counseling would be a good idea. I wish my wife and I had done it. I am now faced with potentially losing my wife and having a divorce.

Here are my thoughts. That first few years of a relationship is wonderful. I remember what that was like and my now wife could do no wrong. Everything was wonderful. Fast forward a couple of years. The euphoric nature of the young relationship faded. We slowly grew apart and were not meeting the other person's needs (I failed more in this department than my wife). Because the beginning was so good, we never learned to communicate. Nothing bothered us so there were no "issues" that needed discussing. As issues arose we both just ignored them. This went on to the point where my wife's love for me changed and here we are at the breaking point. I believe if we had gone to pre-marital counseling and learned about the other's needs and communication we wouldn't be at this point. If I had it to do over again I would go to pre-marital counseling. Pat yourself on the back for considering this.

Best of luck
 

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All the research and learning how to be a good partner can never hurt the more you know the less you might make a mistake.

As far as the dreams of other men well, I think you have to be honest with yourself first because if they are mearly nothing and you know you would never follow through then a passing dream hurts no one. If however you feel that you might be missing something or need something more then there is a problem and you know it, hiding it will not make it go away and I would hate if in five years your then husband comes on here with stories of how your cheating tore him apart.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
thanks to all for the great advice regarding both issues. i honestly believe premarital counseling is the way to go & i dont think my partner would have problems with it. i think it allows a platform for both people to speak & broach subjects that otherwise you may feel too scared or unable to speak about. personally, i think if you are willing to marry then you should have open communication anyhow but this is only in the 'ideal world'. :)

blind, im sorry that your relationship has ended in divorce & i guess one can only learn from ones mistakes. do you honestly feel like premarital counseling would've 'saved' your marriage because if you do, then it goes to show how powerful counseling can be.

re. the fantasies, they dont bother me - they shock me rather even though i think its perfectly normal for everyone to fantasise to some degree. no, i would not follow through with any of the fantasies so i guess they are just that - fantasies.
 

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Counselling is a must. A good consellor will bring to light the issues that you will face later down the road. Your eyes are full of love now so you can see much problems, but believe me they will surface.
 

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msk - I don't want to make this thread about me, but I would like to respond to your question. Yes, I think pre-marital counseling may have avoided where my marriage is today. As the years went by I did not understand how my wife was feeling and she struggled to communicate it to me. She tried but I didn' hear her. If we knew how to effectively communicate we could have addressed our problems when they started, rather than at what appears to be the end. BTW, we aren't divorced yet. We have counseling tonight. It looks pretty grim but I've not given up yet and still love her dearly.

Good luck and I hope your fiance will think counseling is a good idea. I don't know how I would have felt about it in the early years of my relationship with my wife because it just seemed so perfect. I didn't see anything that need counseling. But, looking back, I would jump at the chance to have pre-marital counseling. I say go for it.

I've thought a little more about the fantasy issue. I suppose it is normal. You said you would never follow through with them and that is good to hear. If you ever find yourself feeling otherwise, you need to address the issue quickly. You can not let these thoughts distract you from the relationship. In my opinion, fantasy should not come before reality (and reality doesn't have to become mundane, it can be very good).

Best of luck to you.

Blind
 
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