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DRW How do I say this. He CAN treat you like crap. He "made" you quit your job? No. You allowed him to control you. Don't anymore. You have 2 choices.

1. Stay with your parents while you get back on your feet.
2. Work out an exit strategy that involved finding good employment while still married. When you are employed and stable, leave. Don't say a word. You can tell him you just want a better lifestyle for your children. Whatever.

In any case, as you do whatever you do, set about learning why you let some stupid man control you. You are better than that!
 

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Yes, you are right, I did allow him to control me from the very beginning so now he thinks he can say/do whatever he wants. Now I just don't know how to make him un-controlling. I guess those are my only two options...
Maybe not. But the other road is also a long, difficult one as well. It involves changing the dynamic through maintaining personal boundaries. This seems the least likely to work, in my view, when the dynamic has ALWAYS been one of one sided control. But it could be worth a try. Only you know.

Let's start with verbal interactions. Let's say he says something rude to you. You look him in the face, calmly, and say you know what? I have let you speak to me like that for far too long. I am not going to allow it anymore. WHEN you can speak to me with courtesy and respect, THEN I will resume speaking to you. And walk away. <--- Be prepared for him to NOT LIKE this new response. And fight it every step of the way. But you maintain your ground. If he speaks to you in a disrespectful manner, you repeat WHEN you can speak to me with courtesy and respect THEN we can resume this conversation. And walk away.

I have two concerns about this. One it is a challenging habit to learn, the setting of personal boundaries. Backsliding happens. But the more consistency in application of enforcing personal boundaries the better. If you had access to personal counseling, I would think that might help.

My second concern is that when a person first starts enforcing personal boundaries, as I mentioned, the other person does not like it one little bit. Even if the person isn't a controlling person, change = bad. I am concerned that he will attempt to physically restrain you. I fear he mt escalate to physical violence. You may be able to sense if that is a risk.

This is ONE example of setting and enforcing personal boundaries.


I am just very scared that I won't be able to do it on my own. My parents will only help so much, which they shouldn't even have to in the first place, so I feel like I'm trapped and it's making me miserable.
You could also careful, silently plot an exit strategy. Start by telling him you want to work. Maybe that is a good personal boundary to set. He does not have the right to determine whether or not you work. You can use any reason you want. You don't feel fulfilled as a SAHM. You think the children would do better in outside care.... Whatever.

If you fear physical retribution, get in touch with your local battered women's shelter. They can advise you on how to be prepared/ minimize your risk as well as how to react if it should occur.

I am sorry to hear that you are in this place!
 
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