[DWRW5509]

Hello everyone,

I really need some advice from outsiders who don't know either party in this situation...
My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. We are 20 years old and already have a 2 year old little boy. Lately, things with my and my husband have been really bad. He treats me like crap 95% of the time. He has left me plenty of times but comes back. I'm tired of his games and his threats. He lies to me all the time. He thinks he can treat me like dirt because we have a kid, I'm pregnant again, and I am a stay at home mom while he works so I have nothing. He thinks I HAVE to stay with him because I have no job or money and I would have to move back in w/ my parents. I think he has scared me so bad a/b not being able to make it with 2 kids as a single mother so I feel like I have to stay with him. I'm scared to divorce him because he's right, I have no job, no money, he made me quit school to devote my time to being a home maker and I'd have no where to go. I need some advice on what to do. He doesn't want to work things out because he thinks he is never wrong and I should just suck it up and deal with whatever. Has anyone been in this situation?

 

[zohaib]

well....
i suggest you to stay with him...until you are pregnant coz its not a good time to be alone..

and try to sort out the root of the prob...why he is blaming u for everything or every fault...is there any other women in his life..!
if yes them try to make him understand your value in his life..

then make him understand that you luv him and want the betterment of your marriage..

hope it will help you...

 

[MistersWife]

Go stay with your parents if you can. You are pregnant, you don't need to be stress out over his crap. I know plenty of women with 2 and even 3 kids who left their mentally abusive husbands. It won't be easy at first but you will have a peace of mind, which you need when your pregnant. You have to think what your son is seeing and hearing, the baby you are carrying feel your stress. Just try to get away for a while. Maybe taking a break from him will make him see his wrong.

If getting away isn't an option start saving what ever little money he give you. Put it in a savings account. So you can have something.

I wish you the best..stay strong for your kids and you!
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[DWRW5509]

I don't think there is anyone else in his life. He just thinks he can treat me like crap because he "knows I won't leave him" But when I told him to get a divorce, he won't do it.
I thought getting away would help too but last week I left to stay with my parents because he was being mentally abusive and I found out he was lying. But I came back thinking everything would be okay and it obviously isn't. He just doesn't care about anyone but himself because he is very very immature and will not grow up. I don't feel like getting treated like crap until he decides he wants to man up.

 

[Mom6547]

DRW How do I say this. He CAN treat you like crap. He "made" you quit your job? No. You allowed him to control you. Don't anymore. You have 2 choices.

1. Stay with your parents while you get back on your feet.
2. Work out an exit strategy that involved finding good employment while still married. When you are employed and stable, leave. Don't say a word. You can tell him you just want a better lifestyle for your children. Whatever.

In any case, as you do whatever you do, set about learning why you let some stupid man control you. You are better than that!

 

[DWRW5509]

Yes, you are right, I did allow him to control me from the very beginning so now he thinks he can say/do whatever he wants. Now I just don't know how to make him un-controlling. I guess those are my only two options... I am just very scared that I won't be able to do it on my own. My parents will only help so much, which they shouldn't even have to in the first place, so I feel like I'm trapped and it's making me miserable.

 

[Mom6547]

Yes, you are right, I did allow him to control me from the very beginning so now he thinks he can say/do whatever he wants. Now I just don't know how to make him un-controlling. I guess those are my only two options...

Maybe not. But the other road is also a long, difficult one as well. It involves changing the dynamic through maintaining personal boundaries. This seems the least likely to work, in my view, when the dynamic has ALWAYS been one of one sided control. But it could be worth a try. Only you know.

Let's start with verbal interactions. Let's say he says something rude to you. You look him in the face, calmly, and say you know what? I have let you speak to me like that for far too long. I am not going to allow it anymore. WHEN you can speak to me with courtesy and respect, THEN I will resume speaking to you. And walk away. <--- Be prepared for him to NOT LIKE this new response. And fight it every step of the way. But you maintain your ground. If he speaks to you in a disrespectful manner, you repeat WHEN you can speak to me with courtesy and respect THEN we can resume this conversation. And walk away.

I have two concerns about this. One it is a challenging habit to learn, the setting of personal boundaries. Backsliding happens. But the more consistency in application of enforcing personal boundaries the better. If you had access to personal counseling, I would think that might help.

My second concern is that when a person first starts enforcing personal boundaries, as I mentioned, the other person does not like it one little bit. Even if the person isn't a controlling person, change = bad. I am concerned that he will attempt to physically restrain you. I fear he mt escalate to physical violence. You may be able to sense if that is a risk.

This is ONE example of setting and enforcing personal boundaries.

I am just very scared that I won't be able to do it on my own. My parents will only help so much, which they shouldn't even have to in the first place, so I feel like I'm trapped and it's making me miserable.

You could also careful, silently plot an exit strategy. Start by telling him you want to work. Maybe that is a good personal boundary to set. He does not have the right to determine whether or not you work. You can use any reason you want. You don't feel fulfilled as a SAHM. You think the children would do better in outside care.... Whatever.

If you fear physical retribution, get in touch with your local battered women's shelter. They can advise you on how to be prepared/ minimize your risk as well as how to react if it should occur.

I am sorry to hear that you are in this place!

 

[DWRW5509]

Thank you for that advice. You are right tho, he will not like that I am starting to stand up for myself. And he won't like the fact that I want to work. But I agree that I need to plan an exit strategy.. that seems like the best option in my case.