[TomNebraska]

issue: a cousin of mine is going to be a father for the first time.

He's not married but lives with his long-time GF. She has said she doesn't want to get married anytime soon, but eventually that's their agreed upon plan.

Apparently the GF has had some episodes where she completely melts down and says she wants an abortion, doesn't see a future with him, didn't expect to get pregnant so soon, and basically doesn't want to settle down.

Sounds like a "DEALBREAKER" kinda thing to me, but apparently the rest of the time she's super sweet & excited to be with him, have the child, and eventually get married, and these fights seem like an aberration.

My cousin hasn't wanted to bring up the fights the next day b/c she wakes up cheery and happy and he doesn't want to spoil the mood.

My aunt reached out to me for advice b/c I have had a kid more recently and am divorced, I guess... but in my experience, my XW was generally irritable and demanding during pregnancy and this was no different than how she was generally! So I didn't see a change. or much of a change

I looked online about this kinda thing, and I did find that depression and anxiety over pregnancy are common in the 1st trimester, but I don't know if that's what's going on here.

So my questions:

1) is this "normal"? Like should her behavior be chalked up to changing hormones, and politely ignored until it stops?

2) Should he bother confronting her or asking to discuss it the morning after if she seems to have moved on? Or is that like kicking a wasps' nest for no reason?

 

[Livvie]

No, I don't think that's normal. I think the ability to have those kinds of meltdowns/that kind of stuff is already a part of someone's personality (lurking underneath).

 

[Luckylucky]

It sounds like she’s telling the truth. And I do think it’s important that he talks about it, for the child’s sake, who didn’t choose to be conceived and deserves better.

 

[TomNebraska]

Yikes. That's scary. I kind of assumed it was just a hormonal thing... and while she might be struggling with the idea she's losing herself now, it wasn't a sign of serious concern.

 

[pastasauce79]

I had a rough second pregnancy but my moods were not that extreme.

I felt a lot of anxiety thinking I wasn't going to be able to care for 2 kids. I felt very tired and had no energy or motivation to do every day stuff. It was so bad I barely remember what happened during those 9 months!

Once I gave birth my moods changed completely. I was not anxious and I fell in love with my baby right away. I felt the change as soon as the baby was out of my body.

I would not underestimate her hormonal changes, (that's what my therapist told me at that time) but I would also check if she had any mood changes before pregnancy.

I never had any problems pre-pregnancy or post-partum.

The boyfriend needs to figure out what's going on. They need to talk about her sudden changes in behavior. And find her some support.

 

[Diana7]

Yikes. That's scary. I kind of assumed it was just a hormonal thing... and while she might be struggling with the idea she's losing herself now, it wasn't a sign of serious concern.

She may just be having cold feet like some do before they get married, especially if the baby wasnt planned, but I am sure she will calm down as things progress.

 

[LisaDiane]

Yikes. That's scary. I kind of assumed it was just a hormonal thing... and while she might be struggling with the idea she's losing herself now, it wasn't a sign of serious concern.

It really depends on the woman, but it also depends on their relationship and how she feels about it. It DEFINITELY could be a hormonal thing, so don't sound any alarms yet.

The hormones tend to magnify how a woman normally is, it shouldn't change her personality. But it's also worth mentioning that compared to a guy, pregnancy and parenthood changes things for a woman (in EVERY way) the most dramatically, and the most immediately. And there is a reason that the hormonal changes can make a woman hyper-aware of her feelings about her relationship with the baby's father - biologically, she NEEDS to feel safe for herself and her baby.

Also, the first three months are very intense hormonally because the baby is doubling in size every day and all the major body systems are being laid down - her body is doing a tremendous job right now, and add to that how she might feel horribly nauseous one minute and then ravenous the next, exhausted, have headaches, etc etc...and it's not alot of fun.

If she is really erratic or seems very unhappy, maybe something should be said to her ob-gyn at her next appointment. Other than that, TONS of support and gentle understanding are the best way to keep new moms with growing babies in the best frame of mind.

 

[Rowan]

OP, the best thing you can tell your cousin is that he needs to work on his conflict-avoidant tendencies.

While being supportive and giving a pregnant woman a bit of extra grace are absolutely the right things to do, he also needs to engage issues in a healthy manner. That means talking about problems that come up calmly and with an 'us-vs-the problem' mindset - including her bouts of what seems like extreme anxiety and moodiness.

So, yes, he does need to talk to her about these episodes the next day. Avoiding the conversation because he just assumes all pregnant women are crazy is not only dismissive, but it also does neither of them any real service. The practice in tackling difficult topics head-on, calmly and with a team-building spirit, will come in very handy in both trying to sustain a healthy long-term relationship and in raising their child together.

 

[TomNebraska]

OP, the best thing you can tell your cousin is that he needs to work on his conflict-avoidant tendencies.

While being supportive and giving a pregnant woman a bit of extra grace are absolutely the right things to do, he also needs to engage issues in a healthy manner. That means talking about problems that come up calmly and with an 'us-vs-the problem' mindset - including her bouts of what seems like extreme anxiety and moodiness.

So, yes, he does need to talk to her about these episodes the next day. Avoiding the conversation because he just assumes all pregnant women are crazy is not only dismissive, but it also does neither of them any real service. The practice in tackling difficult topics head-on, calmly and with a team-building spirit, will come in very handy in both trying to sustain a healthy long-term relationship and in raising their child together.

Thanks. I talked to him and told him I'd be patient right now, but he needs to have the conversation sooner than later.

He said what really throws him for a loop is the mental whiplash... he was feeling like they were solid and was looking at getting her a ring, and here she's wishing she was 22 again and going to study abroad.

I said I understood where he's coming from, but marriage doesn't fix deeper problems, and if they need to have this talk now, then so be it. But don't do it at a bad time, and don't do it when you're angry or feeling resentful yourself. If it has a bad outcome, well better to know this now than in 1 year when there's a baby there depending on both of you to be there for him or her.