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Though I try to lead with the heart and live honor and chivalry, I have not done so. I have for so long neglected my family and hurt my wife of 6 years (10 together) and children and she took the kids and ran eight weeks ago. She walked away because she could not get through to me that things needed to change, that she was hurting because of me, because of my sins, my pride, my arrogance, my selfishness... Divorce papers have arrived. I have no way to contact them because I am under a Restraining Order for things I said in the heat of the moment that I did not mean. I've only seen her once in court and only seen my children three times, for 24 hours each, since Sept. 7.

My life has only been pretty on the outside, and I wonder even about that at this point. At 42, watching my second marriage crumble, with an 18 year old son I am just now trying to have a relationship with, watching my babies (4 and 3 years old) face my financial struggles and neglect, watching the talent people tell me I have having been wasted, realizing how much money I've squandered over the years, seeing the hurt I've caused to my wife, my ex-wife, their families, my children, my family and my friends, I am nothing but a giant failure. I now realize what's important, but can't do anything about it, not even apologize to her or show her I've been changing.

I'm back in church and my walk with God. I've disposed of most of my personal belongings for pennies on the dollar and most of the rest of my belongings went to Goodwill because I had no job and no money and couldn't afford to carry stuff around any more or store it. I have no idea how all that junk actually fit in my garage and house! It's not a big deal in the long run, because all the "stuff" just cluttered my home and life and kept me from seeing what was really important...my God and my wife and my children. I'm quitting smoking. I'm working on my foul language. I've gotten more job interviews in the last eight weeks than in the last eight years and have picked up a full time freelance project and hope to start working a "9-5" shortly as well...

I love my wife and our children more than anything in this world, so all I can do is pray for one more chance to love my wife and children the way I was called by God to do, but failed to do; try and find a job (or as much work as I can find) and knuckle down on being a Promise Keeper instead of a giant yahoo.

To my wife and children, I say PLEASE forgive me. I LOVE YOU!

Your prayers for our marriage and family to be saved are most welcome.
 
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