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My husband is not my daughter's biological father, however he does support her and treat her as his own. However we tend to disagree on parenting issues when it comes to her. She is almost 16 years old and like most teenagers doesn't care to hang with her parents and younger sibling. Today my husband got shouting, cursing mad at me because I didn't agree with him that she should be forced to go and hang out with us. One of my issues with my husband has always been the fact that he is so comfortable cursing me out in front of our kids. Any thoughts? Is he right to suggest that our daughter be forced to hang with us even if she doesn't want to?
 

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Having a difference of opinion is normal.

Getting heated in front of the kids is simply destructive.

He needs to learn to fight fair and that means talking with you about different views on family privately.

He should also refrain from cursing at you.
 

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So, to me there is a lot more going on here than just parenting choices. He shouldn't be "shouting, cursing mad" over a minor parenting issue like this, and certainly not in front of the kids. Cursing you out in front of the kids is NOT okay and that's different than the potty mouth parent who just drops the F-bomb when they drop something or stub their toe.

You won't agree on every parenting matter, and you can find a compromise, but he needs to work on his anger, learn how to fight fair, and learn better conflict resolution.

IMO, he needs to do some personal work before the swearing will stop. Is he willing to do that? Who knows. One thing you will have to decide is what you are willing to accept in your marriage. If he is unwilling to work on himself (something we ALL have to do), then you might have to decide you are unwilling to stay in this marriage.

YOU need to set boundaries. You need to show him AND your kids that you will not tolerate being treated like that. If you allow it, then your kids will in their future relationships as well OR they will treat their future partners the way your husband treats you. You don't want that, I know you don't.

So, next time he starts cursing you out, leave the conversation. You can, and should, retry the conversation later once everyone has calmed down.

For the parenting issue, do you make all of the parenting decisions? Or do you let him have his way sometimes? The yelling and cursing could be his method of trying to control the situation, which again, is something he needs to work on. I understand that it's a fine line in discipline, parenting, etc. when it's a stepparent. However, if he has been raising her as his own then you can give him a bit of wiggle room. If he wants to spend more family time together (which you're right, teenagers don't want to do), then can you compromise? Can you have one day a week, month, whatever that is a family day? I know teenagers are busy with their own lives, friends, hobbies, school, work, etc., he needs to understand that as well. BUT family time is still important, IMO, and time should be made for it.
 

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So, to me there is a lot more going on here than just parenting choices. He shouldn't be "shouting, cursing mad" over a minor parenting issue like this, and certainly not in front of the kids. Cursing you out in front of the kids is NOT okay and that's different than the potty mouth parent who just drops the F-bomb when they drop something or stub their toe.

You won't agree on every parenting matter, and you can find a compromise, but he needs to work on his anger, learn how to fight fair, and learn better conflict resolution.

IMO, he needs to do some personal work before the swearing will stop. Is he willing to do that? Who knows. One thing you will have to decide is what you are willing to accept in your marriage. If he is unwilling to work on himself (something we ALL have to do), then you might have to decide you are unwilling to stay in this marriage.

YOU need to set boundaries. You need to show him AND your kids that you will not tolerate being treated like that. If you allow it, then your kids will in their future relationships as well OR they will treat their future partners the way your husband treats you. You don't want that, I know you don't.

So, next time he starts cursing you out, leave the conversation. You can, and should, retry the conversation later once everyone has calmed down.

For the parenting issue, do you make all of the parenting decisions? Or do you let him have his way sometimes? The yelling and cursing could be his method of trying to control the situation, which again, is something he needs to work on. I understand that it's a fine line in discipline, parenting, etc. when it's a stepparent. However, if he has been raising her as his own then you can give him a bit of wiggle room. If he wants to spend more family time together (which you're right, teenagers don't want to do), then can you compromise? Can you have one day a week, month, whatever that is a family day? I know teenagers are busy with their own lives, friends, hobbies, school, work, etc., he needs to understand that as well. BUT family time is still important, IMO, and time should be made for it.
  1. Cursing is his normal. Even in everyday conversations he curses and drops f bombs. From what I understand he's been talking like this since his teens and he's 50 years old now, so I'm not sure if there's much hope for change. As far as parenting, yes there are times when we are able to have a untied front that is more favorable to what he wants. .
 

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So, he's not cursing YOU out -- he's just cursing (and is part of his normal speech patterns?) EVEN given that, screaming at you about it in front of the kids is a poor way to give them examples of how to work out differences. If he does this, just say "when you can talk calmly about this, we can continue the conversation" and then walk away. There is not reason for you to be his verbal punching bag during an argument.
 

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  1. Cursing is his normal. Even in everyday conversations he curses and drops f bombs. From what I understand he's been talking like this since his teens and he's 50 years old now, so I'm not sure if there's much hope for change. As far as parenting, yes there are times when we are able to have a untied front that is more favorable to what he wants. .
Swearing like a sailor is one thing, cursing and screaming at you is another. That is not fighting fair and not a good way to resolve conflict. I have a foul-mouth, always have - and yes, in front of my kids too. I swear constantly, but I can control it when I want to and so can your husband. It's hard to control it when I'm angry, really hard, but with work I can do that.

Would he go in front of a judge and have such a foul-mouth? I doubt it.
 

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Was he just heatedly discussing the issue with you and using swear words in the heated discussion?

Was he "screaming at you" or just heatedly discussing?

Eh. I look kind of prim and proper. I dress well, shower every day. I'm intelligent, very well educated, and hold a professional job. At home, I use swear words in discussion a lot. It's part of who I am. With some people, it comes with the package of who they are.
 

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My husband is not my daughter's biological father, however he does support her and treat her as his own. However we tend to disagree on parenting issues when it comes to her. She is almost 16 years old and like most teenagers doesn't care to hang with her parents and younger sibling. Today my husband got shouting, cursing mad at me because I didn't agree with him that she should be forced to go and hang out with us. One of my issues with my husband has always been the fact that he is so comfortable cursing me out in front of our kids. Any thoughts? Is he right to suggest that our daughter be forced to hang with us even if she doesn't want to?
His means of communication aside, yes he is correct about forcing your daughter to spend some time with you. Now is the time in her life to have limits. One of my friends is going through this very issues with her just turned 16 year old step daughter. She hasn’t seen her father since early February. First she had a bunch of activities she didn’t want to miss. Then they were all locked down with COVID. Now the daughter’s state has opened things back up more than the father’s state and she doesn’t want to come and be “bored“ when she could be home with her friends. And since the girl has been bored for months neither parent wants to force the issue so she gets to call the shots and act like a brat (in my opinion.)
 

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My husband is not my daughter's biological father, however he does support her and treat her as his own. However we tend to disagree on parenting issues when it comes to her. She is almost 16 years old and like most teenagers doesn't care to hang with her parents and younger sibling. Today my husband got shouting, cursing mad at me because I didn't agree with him that she should be forced to go and hang out with us. One of my issues with my husband has always been the fact that he is so comfortable cursing me out in front of our kids. Any thoughts? Is he right to suggest that our daughter be forced to hang with us even if she doesn't want to?
Cursing and yelling over a teenager being a normal teenager is a problem. Does he have anger issues in general?
 

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My take on step-parenting as a stepmom of a teenager. He is not allowed to disrespect me. HOWEVER, my husband - his father - is the one who deals with discipline and rule-making. That is the standard advice for every step parent situation I have ever encountered.
 

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Was he just heatedly discussing the issue with you and using swear words in the heated discussion?

Was he "screaming at you" or just heatedly discussing?

Eh. I look kind of prim and proper. I dress well, shower every day. I'm intelligent, very well educated, and hold a professional job. At home, I use swear words in discussion a lot. It's part of who I am. With some people, it comes with the package of who they are.
I took it as him cursing at me....however he claims he was as you say, using curse words while talking because of how pissed he was.....Thanks for the input:)
 

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Cursing and yelling over a teenager being a normal teenager is a problem. Does he have anger issues in general?
Most of the time he's a gentle giant. Usually a pretty loving, affectionate guy.But definitely when he gets upset, at me or anyone, his anger comes out in the form of yelling and cursing.
 

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If he's not cursing at you specifically ie "Candicane you're an effing $*#&" (that's never ok), but just cursing generally "FFS, Candicane why can't you see xyz" that's well, not ok, but if it's who he is and you married him knowing that, well not much you can do now.

Yes, there are times when your teen must spend time with her family, whether she likes it or not. When I was a teen, I had to and didn't get a vote. That's what my parents said I had to do so that's what I did. While it's normal that she wants to be with her friends more, family is very important. While she may not want to attend her younger siblings birthday party for example, she still has to go because it's her siblings day, not hers.
 
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