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I been together with my husband for 7 years and since we started dating he was drinking (we would go out to eat to restaurants and I wasn’t counting his drinks but didn’t think much of his habit). I drink, but casually.

I prefer to smoke weed but at the begging of our relationship I never mentioned this because it wasn’t a frequent thing (couple of times a year) and weed wasn’t accessible as it is now.

After getting caught with weed the first time he said I needed to stop because he wasn’t okay with it and I said I wouldn’t smoke again. He used to Smoke cigarettes and decided to quit smoking for me, but claims that he did it out of his own will but also because I promised to quit smoking Weed if he stopped smoking cigarettes. ( I don’t remember making that promise). He’s caught me with weed multiple times after that. Now that weed is more accessible and I can legally buy it , it has become a bigger habit. It’s been a week since the last time I smoked, the last time he caught me and threw away the weed that I had.

This time I’m really trying to quit, it’s an expensive habit that I don’t want to be wasting our money on right now. Here’s where I have a problem. Yes he quit smoking cigarettes (I’m proud and happy for his overall health) however, his drinking has increased. He doesn’t ever get sloppy or starts a fight or doesn’t do anything embarrassing like falling because he’s too drunk. He has a high tolerance level and he’s civil and an educated man who knows how to act, even when drunk. But , from the person I was dating 7 years ago, his drinking is definitely higher. Our dates are always going out to restaurants and he drinks, and all I can do is watch enjoy himself while I have to be conditioned on not smoking because is something that he doesn’t accept. He sees weed worse than cigarettes, he considers it a drug just like cocaine and will never give in on me smoking( like not even compromising on once a year exception kind of thing). It bothers me that I have to hide to have my drug of choice while he can freely drink, and all I can do is watch. I never tell him when to stop drinking or what’s the maximum he can drink , I don’t count his drinks but if I were to do that , he wouldn’t like me putting conditions on him. That’s the only thing we do outside of our home, and every week doing what he likes made me feel resentful and that’s how I justified my habit. We have a 14 year gap and he’s older.

I’m in my 20s and still maturing and learning about life , while he wants to impose his knowledge on me and protect me at all cost. He doesn’t have friends, so he doesn’t go out with anyone and whenever I had mentioned of going out with someone he says “I don’t go out with anyone”. Basically he doesn’t go out w his friends, I can’t go out with mines. I have no friends. Whenever I have tried to go out w a coworker who I like , he’s always said no or he thinks that I want to go out with them cause they are giving me weed. I have a low alcohol tolerance and when I drink too much I get really aggressive so he doesn’t “trust” me going out with anyone else because I will be in danger, but he doesn’t even let prove him I can control how much I can drink. He says “I trust you but not anyone else”. When I have tried to introduce someone to him, he meets them briefly (like we gave 2 of them a ride Once to their home) & He said he “didn’t get a good feeling about them”. He might be right and they weren’t gonna be real friends anyways, but the fact is that the closest people

I have told about this tell me that he needs to “let go off his leash”, he acts like he is my parent. My father passed away in my teens , and it affected me greatly so I’m not sure if that affected me of choosing an older man. I wasn’t looking for an older man it just happened and age doesn’t matter to me, but in this situation this is where I feel like our age difference shows. I’m a college student and I know that if there was an opportunity for a job or internship, there’s a possibility that I would have to travel and he’s already expressed that he’s not going to be okay with it. I know I’m getting ahead of myself by assuming I’m going to travel, but that’s how he is.

My father passed away away due to cirrhosis, I have ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning (when I was a teen) and during our arguments I have told him these things, that seeing him drink the way he does makes me feel frustrated and he says he understands and that he’s going to stop drinking ( whenever he feels like stopping, could be years from now). He’s an alcoholic who works so he doesn’t drink everyday but the 2 days that he does he makes up for the other days that he didn’t drink. I can’t tell him when to stop drinking or how much he can drink but I can’t smoke at all, period. I feel he’s overprotective and sometimes I feel trapped. I love him, he’s a great man. I prayed to God for someone to truly love me and I know that he does.

Every time the argument ends with him giving me an ultimatum, I can smoke all I want but not under his roof. It’s weed or him. I don’t feel that’s fair. I don’t want to be married to my dad , in a way I feel like that’s how I feel treated with his overprotection. He gets to decide when and how much. He tells me if I can go out or not. I hate that every time I smoked i felt dirty for lying to him. The act of me smoking to him is like if I was cheating having sex with someone. Isn’t marriage about compromise?

Can I even built a friendship if I don’t ever hangout with them? If I continue to smoke, is it justified if he’s drinking the amount of alcohol that he pleases? I know that I should’ve mentioned my love for weed before getting married but we are married now and he’s not going to change his view on it. He’s made a blind eye before and has let me “slide” even though he knew I didn’t stop smoking. I’m a little rebel too and I’m not sure how long I will go without smoking. I believe in God (but we don’t go to church).

I hate that I have to hide and lie to my husband what I like to do. He shames me for hiding what I do while he says he was clean from the beginning and I knew that he drinks. He doesn’t want to hear any reasoning about weed, he won’t accept it and his lack of flexibility reminds me that I married an older man who’s never going to change his mind and who decides what we get to do in this marriage. I’m torn between my conscience, my frustration and the love that I have for him.
If I stop smoking, he’s still going to drink and I am still going to feel the way I do now so is is a selfish attitude?
I feel lonely, with no friends and I am tired of lying.


thank you for your time in reading this And I would appreciate your thought on this! I want to be with him, I want to grow old with him but I don’t want this feeling of feeling trapped. I don’t want to do whatever I want but there’s no flexibility on his part. Is he too controlling or I am just wrong?
 

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OMG can you please put PARAGRAPHS in that wall of text?

I tried to read it and had to stop.
 
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You both need counselling, individually and as a couple.

Your father was an alcoholic, your older than you husband is an alcoholic. Is there perhaps a pattern here? Do you smoke weed because it makes you feel good or do you smoke it (at least in part) because you know your husband doesn't like it and it makes you feel like a naughty girl?

He's 14 years older than you, you are still in your 20s. Exactly how old where you when you got together?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You both need counselling, individually and as a couple.

Your father was an alcoholic, your older than you husband is an alcoholic. Is there perhaps a pattern here? Do you smoke weed because it makes you feel good or do you smoke it (at least in part) because you know your husband doesn't like it and it makes you feel like a naughty girl?

He's 14 years older than you, you are still in your 20s. Exactly how old where you when you got together?
Maybe, my boyfriends before him weren’t alcoholics, we had chemistry and didn’t think of his drinking too much since he would get a couple of beers (during our dates). I smoke it cause I feel good but can’t fully enjoy it bc I know that’s not something that he likes. He’s 40 now and I’m 26, started dating when I was 19 and he was 33.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Did you, or did you not, make this promise to him?

If you did, he's holding you to it.
Yes I did. Im trying my best to keep that promise, I’m not desperate right now but I know there’s going to be some days that are going to be difficult. But, at the same time he gets to decide how much he can drink , how often and I have no saying in that because he was upfront with his drinking and I wasn’t clean about my habit. I don’t mind him drinking but he binge drinks on the 2 days that he does.
 

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After getting caught with weed the first time he said I needed to stop because he wasn’t okay with it and I said I wouldn’t smoke again.
And you did. So you lied.

You need to stop thinking in terms of "getting caught". This is not some kind of game of hide and seek played by children. The problem is not that you keep smoking weed, the problem is that you keep lying to your husband. Either stop smoking weed, or tell him you will continue to smoke weed. (Or end the relationship). Seriously. You MUST do one of these things. All three of them are perfectly possible.

the last time he caught me and threw away the weed that I had.
This is absurd.

This time I’m really trying to quit, it’s an expensive habit that I don’t want to be wasting our money on right now. Here’s where I have a problem. Yes he quit smoking cigarettes (I’m proud and happy for his overall health) however, his drinking has increased.
You don't get to trade these things. If he drinks, that doesn't make it harmless or free for you to smoke. Don't think in terms of trading "points" with each other.

He sees weed worse than cigarettes, he considers it a drug just like cocaine and will never give in on me smoking( like not even compromising on once a year exception kind of thing).
He is entitled to his opinion. Your job is to decide if you can live with someone who thinks that.

It bothers me that I have to hide to have my drug of choice while he can freely drink, and all I can do is watch. I never tell him when to stop drinking or what’s the maximum he can drink
Good, You shouldn't. As you may already know, saying these things to an alcoholic doesn't help.

I’m in my 20s and still maturing and learning about life , while he wants to impose his knowledge on me and protect me at all cost.
Do you want that?

he acts like he is my parent.
Well, that's what you chose him for.

My father passed away in my teens , and it affected me greatly so I’m not sure if that affected me of choosing an older man.
It did. See below.

My father passed away away due to cirrhosis .... he says he understands and that he’s going to stop drinking ( whenever he feels like stopping, could be years from now). He’s an alcoholic
Every time the argument ends with him giving me an ultimatum, I can smoke all I want but not under his roof. It’s weed or him. I don’t feel that’s fair.
He's allowed to say that, and you get to decide whether you stay or go.

Isn’t marriage about compromise?
No, not when we are talking about a marriage between two addicts. What's the compromise? We both get to kill ourselves, that's fair?

If I continue to smoke, is it justified if he’s drinking the amount of alcohol that he pleases?
Will that make it free or harmless?

I hate that I have to hide and lie to my husband what I like to do.
Yes, stop that. You don't have to.
 

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Did you express to him what you wrote here and how you're feeling about the fact that he started drinking and you're not allowed to smoke whatever your want?

Not that this makes it right for your to smoke weed given that he's drinking, but he should realize that he's playing a double standard here. "Do as I say, but don't do as I do"
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
And you did. So you lied.

You need to stop thinking in terms of "getting caught". This is not some kind of game of hide and seek played by children. The problem is not that you keep smoking weed, the problem is that you keep lying to your husband. Either stop smoking weed, or tell him you will continue to smoke weed. (Or end the relationship). Seriously. You MUST do one of these things. All three of them are perfectly possible.

This is absurd.


You don't get to trade these things. If he drinks, that doesn't make it harmless or free for you to smoke. Don't think in terms of trading "points" with each other.


He is entitled to his opinion. Your job is to decide if you can live with someone who thinks that.


Good, You shouldn't. As you may already know, saying these things to an alcoholic doesn't help.


Do you want that?


Well, that's what you chose him for.


It did. See below.




He's allowed to say that, and you get to decide whether you stay or go.


No, not when we are talking about a marriage between two addicts. What's the compromise? We both get to kill ourselves, that's fair?


Will that make it free or harmless?


Yes, stop that. You don't have to.
You nailed it. That’s how I feel. I get “points” to use for my habit since he has his and he does as he pleases. Is it right to think this way? Absolutely not. but is it also fair that one person tells me what to do while nobody can’t tell him anything? No.

I truly want to stop and I think I can, but that’s not going to change the fact that he still drinks. I don’t want him to stop drinking ( he will do that when he’s ready) but the fact is I don’t have any authority of how much he can drink ( not that I want to control that either) but this shows that he can do what he wants because “ he was always honest about it” and I wasn’t. His drinking has increased and I wouldn’t have been okay with The level of drinking he has now, if he was doing that at the beginning of our relationship.
Do I value weed more than him? No.
Im honestly tired of lying to him so I will quit , but his drinking doesn’t make it better. I get reminded of how he can do what he wants and I can’t.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Did you express to him what you wrote here and how you're feeling about the fact that he started drinking and you're not allowed to smoke whatever your want?

Not that this makes it right for your to smoke weed given that he's drinking, but he should realize that he's playing a double standard here. "Do as I say, but don't do as I do"
I have expressed this I have told him my frustrations and how I feel seeing him drink as much as he does and all I can do is watch, go out to restaurants with him , seeing him enjoy his alcohol while weed is this big “drug” that somehow is worse than cigarettes because you can buy cigarettes in a gas station and you can’t do that with weed. So this is my problem. He can tell me when I can go out, who I can go out with, how much I can drink (for the sake of avoiding me over drinking) while I can’t say nothing. Our birthdays are days apart and we are very similar people as we are both Very much stubborn and I feel like he can be himself and have his thing while I don’t have that option and if I really want to smoke freely, I would have to leave him in order to do that. I won’t leave him for weed either but I feel it’s not fair.
 

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I have expressed this I have told him my frustrations and how I feel...
What did he say after that? what was his reaction / words when after you shared your feelings??
 

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I think there are two separate issues here and you are trying to commingle them to justify your behavior.
The primary one, IMO, is that you never told your husband at the beginning of your relationship that you smoke weed.
That is huge. He had the right to know that information. There are many people who do not want to be with someone who smokes pot (me included.) You basically lied by omission and took away his agency to make an informed decision regarding your relationship. That to me is inexcusable. He probably has as big (if not bigger problem) with that, as he does with the pot itself.
Issue #2. He is a drinker. You knew that going in. He in no way, shape or form tried to hide it. He may very well have a problem with alcohol. If he does, it is reasonable that he deal with that. It is incumbent upon him to become a safe spouse for you, as well as you should for him.
His drinking does not cancel out your pot smoking. I would support your position if you had come clean with him in the beginning, telling that you smoked pot and set up some logical, reasonable parameters for usage that might help mitigate his concerns. With that, all would have been disclosed, and he would not have a legitimate beef, as long as you followed the agreed upon guidelines.
You are both young, and even you admit you have some maturing to do. It sounds like you have some remorse in how you have handled this, which is a positive.
I think a number of things need to happen here: 1) Your husband needs to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for him , and if he wants to continue in this marriage, 2) You need some therapy to deal with the pot (you admit that your usage has increased) and some IC to deal with your other issues, 3) If he decides to continue with the marriage, you and he need to sit down and have a conversation in regards to becoming a true couple, be honest, lay everything out, integrate some self-help resources and possibly some MC. Both of you need to grow together, and you are both going to have to make some sacrifices for your relationship (these are probably things you would do as you mature anyway, just in an expedient manner.) You both have some work to do. Best of luck.
 

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You shouldn't be smoking weed, it's not safe, and he shouldn't be drinking so much. He clearly has a drinking problem.

My biggest issue however, is that he actually thinks he can tell you what you can and can't do. Um, no. He's your husband not your father. His "catching" you smoking and throwing out your weed is appalling. This is a parent/child relationship and is very unhealthy.

Your weed smoking is a boundary for him, he has every right to enforce it and you have every right to say "I can't live like this" and end the marriage. His drinking is an issue for you, you have every right to enforce it as a boundary, and he has every right to say "I can't live with this" and end the marriage.

You need to figure out what's important to you and go from there.
 

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I am with frusdil on it - the biggest problem is that is is controlling you, on so many levels. He won't let you go out with your friends, he will not go out with you and friends - he has already isolated you. It seems like weed is the only time you can relax.
Maybe it is time to re-evaluate your marriage - do you want to be a child in relationship? Do you want to become a pothead, who uses weed to run away from her problems? Or - if you really, trully are using it once in a while for fun, not because you have to - do you think you should have to hide this from your husband? Do you want husband who abuses alcohol?

Stop acting like a child. Tell him - yes, once in a while I will smoke weed. Yes, I will go out with friends. You are welcome to join us, but if not, I am still going.
He won't like it. But do you want to spend your life like this - like a child, hiding in a corner, without any friends, with husband who treats you like a child, not like equal partner?

What do they say here on TAM for guys in marriage like yours? Do 180...
 
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If you don’t want to stop smoking then don’t agree to it. You told him you would, and now your sneaking around behind his back hiding it.
Be an adult, be upfront. Don’t pretend to want to do something because he wants you to do it.
 

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You are acting like a child, and he is a complete hypocrite with control issues. Grow up and stop the weed. Realize that you married your father,you married a drinker. If you don’t want to live like this, then you’ll need to divorce, because you aren’t going to change him.


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