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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have three sons together. They are 8, almost 5, and almost 4. I still want to have a little girl of our own. I have thought about someday adopting but I can't shake the idea of having our own. My husband doesn't want any more children, he says he is happy with our boys and done. He wants to get fixed... I can't stand the thought of that. His father got fixed after having five children and lost his entire sexual drive. Well I have told him I am worried about that and he says 1. He isn't his dad, and 2. His mom practically made his dad so his dad was resentful. He says, I won't have you to blame because I want to do this. Well that isn't my real problem with this, it is my excuse. My real reasons are that 1. This is way too final and I want a little girl someday and maybe someday he will want another one as well. 2. No offense to anyone who has had this done but I don't want to be married to someone who is neutered, and I just KNOW my sexual drive is going to be non-existent when it comes to him if he does this.

I had a dream about him doing this just last night, and one week after he wants sex and I say no, I don't feel well. The dream jumped to two weeks, and I am still saying no. Two months and he is looking to file for divorce and we haven't done anything. Maybe it's just me but it makes me feel like he isn't even a male anymore. I can see this whole thing turning into a divorce or something.

And I want more kids and it makes me feel like he isn't even considering what I want. He said we can adopt. I said I want our own. He said, I can get it reversed if we both feel that way. I reminded him that my father and step-mom have tried to get my dad's reversed without any luck at all. She has finally decided the two of them will not have kids of their own. Ouch! He says now a day this is easier to reverse. I tell him I am on good birth control, the mirena 5 yr. He says those sometimes fail. I am just so frustrated. If he does this, it will break up our marriage. I just know it. And he won't get any sympathy from me while he is icing his area because it hurts so much for a week. He'll be like can you get me a glass of water? And I will be like, I didn't want you to do this in the first place, so NO. Get your own damned glass of water. If he asks for the remote, I would probably be ticked enough to toss it at his crotch. I'm just... I just don't want him to do this.
 

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Catsy101, your in a situation kind of like what my wife and I were in about a year ago. We have 3 boys who are 8, 6 and 20 months. We are now pregnant with our 4th (a girl who is due in October).

At first I did not want a 4th child, no way, no how! I was wanting to get a vasectomy and just have it done. My wife wanted to try for a 4th child. She wanted a girl, but she would have been happy with whatever we had. I was resistant at first and I told her for at one point I didn't even WANT to discuss it at all. She didn't pester me about it, whine about it or nag about it. She just would bring it up now and again in normal conversation trying to understand my point of view. She never tried to change my mind, trick me or deceive me.

After we spoke it about on again/off again for about 6 months or so I finally understood her point of view and her reasons. It was then I agreed with her and we tried for our 4th.

On a side note, our 4th almost didn't happen! We had trouble conceiving (which we didn't with the others) and she even had to go on Clomid. She went through 3 cycles, and nada. We had at that point given up on having a 4th. 2 months later, we found out she was pregnant.

Catsy, just give it time and don't push and shove your hubby. Calmly try to find out his reasons for not wanting a 4th. Don't try to convince him, just try to understand his reasons first.
 

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Linking the dreams to to choices you face is not really grounded in reality.

What is reality is that your husband wants no more children and you want more.

What if he agrees to try for another kid so you can have a girl and you end up with another boy? Will you still press on for a girl?

After having three children, have you considered the expense of yet another kid? Not to mention the divided attentions between all of your kids?

Nevermind the impact on any other interest the both of you may have beyond children.

He is not being unreasonable not wanting anymore children.

And you thinking of him as emasculated if he gets snipped? That's just plain uninformed.

If you feel unfulfilled as a mother because you can't have more children after having birthed three already, then I don't think having another kid will do that for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It's not that I feel unfulfilled as a mother. I love my boys more than anything in the world and would gladly give my life for any one of them. But I still want a little girl. I love the pink dresses and the getting her ready for prom and the ballet lessons and the braiding her hair, etc.

And this is less about the emasculation part of things and more about him doing this against my will, against what I want. And this is only a small amount of what is going on at home with things I don't want and yet they happen every day.

I want another baby. He doesn't.
He wants to get snipped. I don't want him to.
He wants to live here, in WA state. I don't.
I want to live near my parents, who live across the country. He doesn't.
I want him to quit his job because of the way they treat him. He doesn't.
I want a little girl of our own. He doesn't.

The only thing I get my way on is I want cats and a dog and we have those. Everything else is his way. So it really does tick me off.

We don't have another baby.
He is determined he is going to get snipped.
We live in WA state.
We don't live anywhere near my parents.
He has no plans to leave his current job, even tho there is a freeze on raises and he is stuck making much less than he is worth and he will probably stay there until/if the goverment closes them down or he dies, whichever comes first.
He is determined to never get me pregnant again so no little girl. It is so frustrating. This is definitly not the first issue, him wanting to get snipped, that I have fought tooth and nail on him. Something has to give. If he doesn't want to work with me on some of what I want, I don't know how much longer we can do this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Oh and we r going on 10 yrs in October of marriage. On October 13th, we will have been married for 10 whole yrs. I don't know, am not sure at all, of how we did that. But I am still here trying to get some at least of what I want. Yes, the cats and dog is kind of a big deal because he is allergic, but he knew when we met that I loved animals a lot, and hate to see them be put down or anything. So three yrs ago, after a time of no pets, we were watching on tv and saw that the local animal shelter had take tons of animals from a hoarder and had over 150 pets at the shelter from that hoader and many would be put down. So he took me to the shelter and we picked out kitty #1, our big fat adult cat who would have been put to sleep the next day, and we called him King Buddah. A few months later a lady at his work was begging people to take kittens, and it was almost our anniversary so he decided to ask me if I wanted one, her apartment would not allow pets, and they were tiny kittens she found outside dying, their momma was sick and scrawny and had run away so we took a tiny little black kittie pure black, and named him Shadow. And my son was begging for a dog for Christmas and when Santa did not deliver, my hubby saw how sad our son was, the oldest one, and we got Petie the beagle. Then some woman was advertising a cat who was pregnant, she needed to get rid of her right away or she would give birth at a shelter unless they put her down first. We took her in, just as a foster situation and would find the kittens and her homes, but when she lost the kittens one night, my husband and I tried to find a home for her and couldn't so she stayed, and we named her BlueStar. From the name of a cat in a book my kids like called, "WARRIORS". And than my oldest rescued a cat from some school bullies who were beating him with a stick and he brought the cat home and we ended up keeping him too. The kids also named him after a cat in the same book series and his name became Purdy. So... Yes he is allergic and I DO love him for doing that and risking his health for us. But everything else is always his decision and I have no say. Makes me want to cry and makes me feel like nothing.
 

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And this is less about the emasculation part of things and more about him doing this against my will, against what I want. And this is only a small amount of what is going on at home with things I don't want and yet they happen every day.

I want another baby. He doesn't.
He wants to get snipped. I don't want him to.
He wants to live here, in WA state. I don't.
I want to live near my parents, who live across the country. He doesn't.
I want him to quit his job because of the way they treat him. He doesn't.
I want a little girl of our own. He doesn't.

The only thing I get my way on is I want cats and a dog and we have those. Everything else is his way. So it really does tick me off.
Wow. Turn things around and see them from your H's shoes. What I hear is YOU want, YOU want, YOU want... um, what about your husband's wants? Don't they count for anything. You have 3 kids and a lot of pets. You can't say you NEVER get what you want...come on.

Your posts sounds very selfish. Marriage is not about getting your way.
 

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And on top of everything else you want him to quit his job?

Seriously? How do you expect him to find another good job in today's economy?

I speak from experience here, no job since February and only ONE interview in all that time.

If you are already considering leaving him because of dissatisfaction in your life then the last thing you need to do is have yet another child.

A single mother with three children will be hard enough as it is.

Please get over this yearning to braid hair and and dress a girl up. Children should not be about having a doll to play with.

Your husband agrees to let you have pets despite his allergies? And you actively want pets even though it harms him? Wow.

I know that sounds cruel to you, but I am being blunt.

You have your health, a fine family, a husband who looks out for you. I don't think you appreciate what you have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Your right, marriage is supposed to be about something called "COMPROMISE". He has let me have the pets. Our first and second children were HIS idea and yes I agreed to it because I wanted children too. The third was a little oops when the shot didn't work. The depo? Yeah. So three wasn't my idea. I should be happy too and I am NOT happy.

The pets yes my idea.

But everything else in our life is HIS idea. Forget the fact that his parents live close to us. Forget that his parents have ALL FIVE OF THEIR KIDS LIVING NEARBY and ALL OF THEIR GRANDKIDS NEAR THEM. FORGET THAT MY PARENTS ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD AND SHE AND ALL OF THEIR GRANDCHILDREN LIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY.

FORGET THAT THE JOB HE IS AT NOW IS IN DANGER AND HE REFUSES TO EVEN LOOK FOR SOMETHING ELSE. FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE FED GOVT is GOING TO CLOSE HIS JOB DOWN.

This is ALL him. I am so tired of being told I am NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. So I am supposed to let everything go SO HE CAN BE HAPPY and I should just be RESIGNED TO GETTING ALMOST NOTHING I WANT?! I SHOULD BE RESIGNED THAT IF AND WHEN HE GETS SENT PACKING FROM HIS JOB WE ARE GOING TO BE HOMELESS? Great. Thanks. Really.

Yes I am so selfish for wanting to be near my parents, for wanting our kids to get to know my parents, we saw them ONE TIME in the past THREE YEARS!!!!! And I am supposed to be okay with that? I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAt!!!!!

I just want to CRY right now!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Also - Does anyone know if in WA state it is illegal for him to get a vasectomy without his wife's consent? Because if so I guess this whole thing won't be a problem at all. I would NEVER give my consent to something like that and if we had to do a counseling session for it, you better believe I would tell the counselor I will divorce him if he does this. I won't even wait for us to not have sex for months and for him to file, I will file. As I will NEVER in a million years give any consent to this.
 

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Here is the issue:

Your resentful because you can't be near your family. I don't think the real issue is not getting another child. I think the real issue is the resentfulness. Especially based on that last little rant about your family being on the other side of the country - you put more emotion into that than anything to do with a new baby.

Did you discuss where you would live before you got married? Where did you live previous to getting married?

I think the baby, vasectomy, etc - are just fuel on the fire of you feeling you never get anything your way.

I think you need to go to counseling because do you really want to FORCE your husband into having a baby he doesn't really want, and then you've got even more problems, looking down the throat of divorce, with 4 kids now, who didn't ask for it.
 

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I don't think any state would prohibit him from getting a vasectomy. I mean abortion laws have pretty much opened up the 'my body my decision' rule - can 't be double standards.

I mean even if they could - what are you going to do? Tie him down and force him to ejaculate into a cup and then have yourself artificially inseminated. That sounds like a real good idea!?

If you want another child soooo bad that its worth throwing the marriage away - go visit a sperm bank.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
We lived close to my parents when we first got married. We were like 40 mins away, by car or train. Not far at all. When my first was born, we were living in a really crummy place. Couldn't afford anything better at the time. There were shootouts every night on our street. We were living in Philly at the time. Well one night we had a shootout maybe two weeks after our baby was allowed home from the hospital. They shot through windows and one of our walls. We left and moved across country with his parents because they could put us up at the time. We were scared, terrified because the shootouts happened almost every night on our street. The shot missed one of us by just a small bit. It was a bad situation. At the time, we didn't get along well with my dad, and we came all the way to WA even though he could have put us all up at his house and was offering and willing to do it. Things have changed a lot. We get along great. My dad has changed. He and his wife are even in our will that if we both died they would get the three boys and any other kids if we had them. Now it is torture to be away from them for me. And I want the kids to get to know them. And yes I want a girl badly but this is I guess the biggest issue we are facing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Also his parents are mean to me and hate me. I am not kidding. The night we got married his mom wrote him an email the night before telling him not to marry someone just so he could have sex. She has called me names, told me I am stupid. His father hit my youngest son in the mouth and made him bleed one day because he was mad that he was whining. I hate them! And to be away from my parents and near these people that I hate is also torture. We are never invited to anything. While his mom and dad invite all of their other kids for Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving, his mother calls me and says, we would invite you but SHE, (meaning me), makes everyone uncomfortable. They don't like HER. She tells this to my husband. She has told us, the only reason they allowed us to live with them was because she didn't want HER SON or the INNOCENT BABY to get shot. So... It makes it that much worse on me.
 

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Nobody is suggesting you don't get to be happy. But an appreciation of the positives in your life is sorely lacking.

Think of it. You are utterly distressed that you are not near your parents and feel deprived of their presence in your life. Yet you think removing your children from their extended family because you feel slighted (justified or not), is worth it.

If your FIL is violent towards your child, that is inexcusable, btw.

But I do have to wonder what it is that makes your MIL and other relatives uncomfortable around you. What is it?

Do you show your contempt for them a lot?

Again, justified or not.

I think you would do well to get some counseling by trained professionals. You are not happy and are convinced having a baby in a hugely unstable family environment and moving across the country and your husband quitting his job will make you happy.

Somehow I don't think so. Please seek help. This forum is a good start.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
My husband has called his siblings and spoken to them on this matter. All of them deny they have anything against me and have told my husband his mother is the one who decides who comes to her home and who does not. So if they are telling the truth, they have nothing against me. They have gone so far as to tell my husband that she has given them ultimatums, invite me to their kid's b-day or whatever and she won't come. So they don't invite us. Honestly, I have tried to be friendly and nice to them since the day we moved out here and invited them to my kid's b-days and stuff. It's been hard.

I have always wanted a girl since I was young so this is hard on me and to be away from my parents and to be ostricized from his family makes things a million times harder. Yes I think he should quit his job, because 1. My dad has offered for us to stay with them for a yr so we have time to get back on our feet and have a place of our own to live. and 2. I would be happier living near them than I am here.

It's hard to be away from my family and harder to have his mom treat us badly and his dad has such a short temper. My husband has told me that his dad would hit him and his brothers and sister with switches and belts and things when they were kids. He has a very short fuse.

I just don't like it here. And as for counseling, that is something we don't have the money for. Like I said, for three years his work has had a freeze on raises. A five person family on an income of $42,000 a yr before taxes doesn't do very well. I don't even have any medical insurance right now. I think we would be much better off moving with my family and living with them for a yr or so, until we were back on our feet and in better circumstances than we are in now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
BTW - This is the reason we both agreed if we both died, my parents would get our children. His parents would not even get visitation. My husband has told me his dad has way too short of a fuse to try and care for small children and he would be afraid for the kiddos. And taking them away from their extended family? How about their other extended family, meaning my family? They never get to see their aunts/uncles anyway or their cousins.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I have considered today -

Telling him to get the vasectomy and agreeing to no more kids,
IF
we could move back.

Would that be a fair deal?
 

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I have considered today -

Telling him to get the vasectomy and agreeing to no more kids,
IF
we could move back.

Would that be a fair deal?

I don't believe children should ever be used as a bargaining chip.
I don't believe you should have any more children at this point:

1.) Your husband and you obviously have several issues to work out before bringing another little one into the mix.
2.) You are financially struggling and have no health insurance. AND husband's job is at risk.

Leave the door open for now about children and use condoms or some other form of birth control

Settle your current issues then readdress having another child.

Good luck.

P.S. I had a vasectomy over 10 years ago and it had zero impact on my sex drive.
 

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You definitely shouldn't be trying to have a baby right now with your marriage in the shape it's in.

Your resentment, anger, and hurt is obvious. I'm sorry that your mother-in-law refuses to at least pretend to be civilized (even for the sake of her son and grandson) toward you.

As far as the vasectomy goes, I do think it's unfair for him to get one as long as you are so against it. Just like it would be unfair for you to "accidentally" get pregnant knowing he doesn't want more kids. Maybe you could agree to wait a certain amount of time and discuss having another child then? (BTW, I looked into it a little, and from what I understood, your husband does not need your consent to get a vasectomy. Maybe you shouldn't tell him that. ;)

The real issue, IMO, is that you feel a lack of control over your life. Perhaps you can take a class, join a group, or do something that makes you feel more empowered.

It would be a good idea for you and your husband to go to counseling and learn to better compromise.
 
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