[Labcoat]

Gents,

I’m looking for help filling in some of the gaps in my post-relationship recovery. It ended ugly with her deciding to betray me just as we were planning our wedding. I’ve previously solicited advice in CWI in the threads below.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53415-am-i-giving-up-too-easily.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57204-xwf-goes-lovely-vacation.html​

Given the circumstances, I think I’m in a pretty good position…

• I decided against R (seriously, I finally pop the question and 4 months later she’s boning some dude at a conference? Goodbye.)
• I moved out, got my own place and have been NC with the xWF
• I got a promotion at work and have thrown myself into the new gig
• I have been asked to take a “working vacation” abroad (basically representing the home office in a new endevor)
• I am seeing a therapist 2x a month
• I have been seeing other women (but I am getting a little attached to one in particular)
• I have been spending a lot of time with my guy friends and improving those friendships
• I have been seeing/talking much more with my FOO and extended family

That all said, something’s missing. My therapist doesn’t think I’m depressed, but I trigger easily and get discouraged about where I am in my life. What I mean by that is I will see someone who was 3 years behind me in highschool posting pictures of their wife, kids, house and dog while I have none of that. And it bums. me. out.

I also obsess over what happened to me and probably should really cut down on my visits to CWI. I also screwed up my credit this year by letting myself get so depressed that I wasn’t paying my bills (good friend with perfect credit has helped me out with an action plan for that). And finally, if a doctor drew my blood right now he’d finding nothing but hemoglobin, beer and bar food.

So I think I need something else in my life, and I’m pretty open to suggestions. The old standby will be a gym membership and a weight regimen, but I’d love to hear about other suggestions… something a bit more holistic. Any of you guys here taken up a hobby or an exercise regimen that accelerated the recovery process? I really am at a crossroads here and I could either come out better than I’ve even been or wind up a sad sack of a human being.

No pressure on those suggestions, guys.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

Personally, I think you need to get absolutely enthusiastic about getting what you want out of life. If it's a wife and children, then focus on that. But it sounds like you lost confidence and trust in yourself, so that would be a starter...finances are definitely a biggie, if you shoot yourself in the foot over finances, then nothing else good can happen no matter how many things you put into place. Maybe you should take some radical action, like giving up a place of your own and renting a room from a friend or other roommate situation, figuring out how to live without a car (or with less car) and definitely stay out of bars and pubs because that will really run your credit card bill up. (I have a guy friend who will vouch for this.) Going without a car will help with that, if you are on a bicycle it will also help with the physique. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is the time you can really show yourself that you are on your own side and willing to do whatever it takes to get yourself what you want out of life...you can indeed go the distance for yourself, and once you do, it will be all the easier for a special woman to join the bandwagon on that. In fact, you might meet a kindred spirit along the way. Volunteering for an organization that serves the needy is a good way to keep things in perspective (and to stay alert/scared however you want to put it.)
If you still have a mom, or have sisters re-visit your relationship with them. They can be your biggest cheerleaders. Show yourself you are not weak-minded, if you have a successful day, success builds success, before you know it you will be living your dream or at least much, much closer to it.

(I am a woman but I am endowed with a man brain. It's so much fun getting dressed in the morning, lol.)

 

[Clark G]

Dude you sound like you are doing great! But don't disregard those feelings - tehy are normal. it has been 3 years since the split from my wife and I still feel that way from time to time in terms of the family, photos, etc. what i realize is that just b/c they seem happy doesn't mean they are.

it's a day to day thing. my recommendation is to be careful getting too attach to a woman (unless it feels "perfect" to do so).

also the gym thing has helped me but my son and i took up martial arts - this was the most fantastic thing we did b/c it was holistic, taught us self control, let us beat on some stuff, and got great exercise. travel was a big thing too when i had the money to do so.

i also started to pour myself into building websites and creating extra income.

i did everything else you are doing aside from the therapist - but i can see the struggle. just be glad you got out when you did knowing she is doing some other dude. personally i think that is just sad.

i will tell you that after dating a number of great women i have since met a fantastic one and the thoughts of a family/wife again have come back around whereas i was sort of thinking i'd be alone the rest of my life - which doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Keep going - life is looking up for you.

Joe

 

[Corpuswife]

It does sounds like you are moving forward and doing well. Sure, some of it may be "going through the motions." That is quite ok. Pretty soon, you may love your life.

As far as something missing...what about serving others (volunteer, mentor, etc) or something spiritual?

 

[LearninAsWeGo]

You are doing a lot of the right things, and I agree fully with the gym. Yoga is pretty awesome, and you might meet some women. Read some books also, and have some responsible fun like a softball or bball league in addition to the drinking heavy stuff like bar nights and dart or bowling leagues.

Religion is also pretty helpful if you are keen to that at all. If you think about it, marriage is a religious thing... it's done in churches, and it's called "being faithful" for a reason. The ChristianMingle or other religion-specific dating sites are where you will meet much higher quality women than you will on the regular match.com type ones. Yeah, you can keep trying to find a good woman at the bars, groc store, etc, but you are a bit behind in the game now with the wasted time from your ex.

Learn what you can from it (sounds like you have), and create some new options. Start by getting rid of all photos, cards, etc from your ex if you haven't already. Have a bonfire. It's therapeutic, and then they won't be around to creep out a new dating or relationship partner. JMO

 

[nathaniel2518]

mountain biking... fitness, fresh air and time to chill. plus it gets quite addictive.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Well, I'm a 55yo woman who just left my H of 19 years in May of this year; don't know if MY list will help at all, but I want to learn:

• how to shoot pool
• how to shoot pistols (maybe shotguns & clay pigeons, too)
• How to water ski
• how to windsurf
• how to sail
• how to use cutlery like a chef
• how to do some form of self-defense
• how to debug/make sense of my computer
  and also
• practice my foreign languages
• travel

That's just off the top of my head. But then again, I wasted 10 extra years with my STBXH (I should have left and stayed gone 10 years sooner than I did) and I'm a lot farther along in life (I don't have TIME to sit back).

Good luck, keep your chin up & GO FOR IT!

 

[maincourse99]

For me it was starting to pay serious attention to my spirituality. Lots of praying and bible reading. Probably won't go over big here, but oh well. Also, I cut back on the booze, lost weight and started working out more.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

I might take up fencing. Or at least go through a beginner class. Just to build awareness of nonverbal cues when it comes to someone driving a weapon through my heart.