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He knew you would be dependent on him when he got you to marry him. Cheaters play the long game; if you're dependent on him then you are far less likely to leave him when he cheats. 😔
That moment when other members read your mind and post what you were going to post. ☺

I feel bad for you OP but Texasmom is 1000% right. Your husband knew you wouldn’t leave him and you’ve now become codependent on him. You have to decide if what he provides is worth surrendering your dignity. It’s really as simple as that. :(
 

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I know how it sounds, and I'm extremely ashamed and embarrassed of this. I do work with a part time job that pays very little, no benefits. I have anxiety, CPTSD, autism and other mental and physical illnesses which I'm in treatment for. My husband knew these things about me when were married and agreed to me working part time. I am not lazy. I work as hard as I can, both at home and at my job.
My heart hurts for you. I hope your husband isn’t cheating but if he is, please try your best to get out of the marriage. If he’s having an affair, he may leave you someday ...so I’d seek some legal advice for now, hire a PI. Do the things that you can control right now. Sending peace and healing vibes your way. 🌼
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
My heart hurts for you. I hope your husband isn’t cheating but if he is, please try your best to get out of the marriage. If he’s having an affair, he may leave you someday ...so I’d seek some legal advice for now, hire a PI. Do the things that you can control right now. Sending peace and healing vibes your way. 🌼
Thank you for this - I think I have a few ideas from everyone on how to proceed next. Sometimes (well, most of the time) I'm so overwhelmed I just shut down and stick my head back in the sand.
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
No one, ever, wants unaccountable and complete control over another adult for altruistic reasons. When you surrender your independence, you surrender the right to have any say in how you're treated.
Thank you Texasmom for your kind responses to me...I think he and I are both codependent, and I know I have to do something about that, let alone a possible affair. It's been so hard to face up to the facts of my marriage and my life, it's often easier to just ignore it all.
 

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I think a VAR in his car is a very easy first step that could likely get you some info.

Go to Best Buy and get a Sony one (I think model is PX470), the cheapest headphones they have, and lithium batteries. Plug headphones into the VAR and cut off the cable as close to VAR as possible, this will ensure it doesn't make any audible beeps etc like low battery.

Turn it on, go through the setup instructions, then wrap it in thin foam held on by rubber bands (leave the top where the mic is uncovered) so it doesn't rattle and drop it in his car, usually there are spots near the driver side footwell that have plastic interior panels you can slip it behind one of those.

If you can afford a PI, I would do both PI and VAR.

Cheaters cheat, so the fact that he is a known cheat, you are likely correct that he is cheating again, but I totally understand wanting smoking gun type evidence.

If you get proof, don't say anything, see an attorney, drop papers and ghost him.
 

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Thank you Texasmom for your kind responses to me...I think he and I are both codependent, and I know I have to do something about that, let alone a possible affair. It's been so hard to face up to the facts of my marriage and my life, it's often easier to just ignore it all.
It is so true that ignorance is bliss. It's scary and unpleasant to deal with a mess like this, especially one that is not of your own making. 😟
 

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It is so true that ignorance is bliss. It's scary and unpleasant to deal with a mess like this, especially one that is not of your own making. 😟
This springs to mind.....this..

What if he is not cheating, and OP's PTSD and insecurity is creating a false narrative.

This mandates further snooping to get at the real truth, and ease/eliminate/confirm the doubt.

Doubt is bad enough, re-doubt, the unending memory is nerve wracking.

If the man is innocent, you are pushing him into a corner, a corner he will soon escape from.

I am not saying he is innocent.
Get the proof.

If he is cheating, make your move, divorce.

If he is not cheating, stop this self-mutilation.

Often we provide the inner catalyst that leads to our own destruction, from without.
If you are impossible to live with, you will eventually be abandoned.
Or, at minimum, cheated on.



Lilith-
 

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This springs to mind.....this..

What if he is not cheating, and OP's PTSD and insecurity is creating a false narrative.

This mandates further snooping to get at the real truth, and ease/eliminate/confirm the doubt.

Doubt is bad enough, re-doubt, the unending memory is nerve wracking.

If the man is innocent, you are pushing him into a corner, a corner he will soon escape from.

I am not saying he is innocent.
Get the proof.

If he is cheating, make your move, divorce.

If he is not cheating, stop this self-mutilation.

Often we provide the inner catalyst that leads to our own destruction, from without.
If you are impossible to live with, you will eventually be abandoned.
Or, at minimum, cheated on.



Lilith-
I hear you, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He’s cheated before.
 

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I am sick to my stomach writing this. I think my husband is up to something, and if he is, he's very very underground. I am one of those people that needs to have actual proof. I am really trying to get myself out of denial, I'm so, so scared. I'm older and don't have much of a career or family, so due to my situation, I want to be 100% sure before I leave.

Yesterday he said he had a business meeting at a off-site location in the afternoon. I checked his phone's Google location at 3:30 it looked like it was in the parking lot of his office. Same at 4:00, and 4:30. Finally at 5:30 it showed up at the business meeting location.

He came home and told me about his meeting. He told me it was long and he'd been there since 3:30. I replied, "Wow, that's a long meeting! You were there that whole time? Since 3:30? "
He says yes he was.

Today I check the Google timeline on his phone for yesterday. It shows the same thing it did yesterday. It looks like he left his office at 5:15 to drive to the meeting location, and arrived at 5:22. I don't know what he was doing between 3:30 and 5:15. Highly doubt he was sitting in the parking lot though. :confused:

He did cheat on me many years ago, and thought we'd recovered, he's been in therapy, and seems like he was okay until recently - the spidey senses are going off again. Back then I did everything wrong about confronting him. He knows I check his phone. He is extremely smart and wary. I can't emphasize that enough. If something is happening, I would guess he makes all his calls from his office phone, leaves his phone in his car in the parking lot, possibly takes an Uber to meet up with someone.

I don't know where to start. His cell phone is completely clean, and he knows I have checked his location on Google, even though I told him I don't do that anymore. He's no dummy. He has his own private office and flexible working hours. I've thought about a car tracker, but if he is using uber or something, that won't work. Is hoverwatch still a thing?

Basically I just am wondering what I can do before I go hire a private investigator. And how I can be as smart about this as possible. I'm so frightened and scared.

Thank you.
What more do you want to do? You have caught him in an obvious lie and he has betrayed you before. Save yourself time and just hire the private investigator to get you the proof you require.
 

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I am sick to my stomach writing this. I think my husband is up to something, and if he is, he's very very underground. I am one of those people that needs to have actual proof. I am really trying to get myself out of denial, I'm so, so scared. I'm older and don't have much of a career or family, so due to my situation, I want to be 100% sure before I leave.

Yesterday he said he had a business meeting at a off-site location in the afternoon. I checked his phone's Google location at 3:30 it looked like it was in the parking lot of his office. Same at 4:00, and 4:30. Finally at 5:30 it showed up at the business meeting location.

He came home and told me about his meeting. He told me it was long and he'd been there since 3:30. I replied, "Wow, that's a long meeting! You were there that whole time? Since 3:30? "
He says yes he was.

Today I check the Google timeline on his phone for yesterday. It shows the same thing it did yesterday. It looks like he left his office at 5:15 to drive to the meeting location, and arrived at 5:22. I don't know what he was doing between 3:30 and 5:15. Highly doubt he was sitting in the parking lot though. :confused:

He did cheat on me many years ago, and thought we'd recovered, he's been in therapy, and seems like he was okay until recently - the spidey senses are going off again. Back then I did everything wrong about confronting him. He knows I check his phone. He is extremely smart and wary. I can't emphasize that enough. If something is happening, I would guess he makes all his calls from his office phone, leaves his phone in his car in the parking lot, possibly takes an Uber to meet up with someone.

I don't know where to start. His cell phone is completely clean, and he knows I have checked his location on Google, even though I told him I don't do that anymore. He's no dummy. He has his own private office and flexible working hours. I've thought about a car tracker, but if he is using uber or something, that won't work. Is hoverwatch still a thing?

Basically I just am wondering what I can do before I go hire a private investigator. And how I can be as smart about this as possible. I'm so frightened and scared.

Thank you.
@Miona ,

First I would recommend this Google Support link regarding "location" accuracy: Location Accuracy - Google Maps Community

Based on the way you described it, his phone may have been inside (like in his office building) and there was no big window to triangulate the location. No matter when he moved or left the office, Google Maps uses satelites and WiFi networks and cell-phone towers to triangulate--if he didn't have Google Maps open for any reason at the time of the erroneous location, it will have defaulted to it's least accurate location finding service, which may have been his WiFi hotspot. And then eventually it DID notice, and what it noticed is that he went where he said he was going to go.

Second, I would recommend old-school detection. If he's smart and techie, then trying to outsmart him and out-tech him may not be wise--but he might be so concerned covering his tech footprints that he forgets about the old-school. Low Tech Ways to Gather Evidence

Third, I would recommend that you keep your heart open to discovering evidence that could go either way. You may discover he really was where he said he would be, because you find a receipt from the 7-11 next to the meeting at 3:20pm...proving he was where the meeting was. On the other hand, you may discover proof he was not where he said he would be, which proves location and dishonesty but not infidelity. So keep your heart open to the proof you discover, and don't jump to conclusions. Being away from the meeting from 3:30-5:15 doesn't necessarily prove adultery, but it DOES prove dishonestly and coverup. So don't make up your mind--don't jump to conclusions--do some DETECTIVE work and look at what the evidence truly supports.

Fourth, if you do find evidence of dishonesty, I believe hiring a PI would be the best money you've ever spent. A reputable one will give you the proof you need to move on--whether it's proof of "nothing going on" or proof that your gut feeling was right. I highly recommend a PI so your mind has peace.
 

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The thing to remember is that all cheaters lie and serial cheaters tend to lie most of all — plus they’re usually very good at covering their tracks. Imregret that I didn’t get out the first time I caught my exH but there are always “reasons” to stay so I did until I couldn’t. I understand your situation and wish you the best.
 

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@Miona ,

If you do find evidence of dishonesty, I believe hiring a PI would be the best money you've ever spent. A reputable one will give you the proof you need to move on--whether it's proof of "nothing going on" or proof that your gut feeling was right. I highly recommend a PI so your mind has peace.
Yes, that peace of mind that now finds itself divided and anxious in its thoughts.

For starters, and to save funds, you could have a friend check up on him, a time or two.
A friend to you, an unknown quantity to him.

If he is cheating it will not be a one-time occurrence.
 
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Keep in mind that he could be riding in someone else's car from work going somewhere. So if he has a second phone, as I'm guessing he does, he could be leaving the main phone in the car or at work or something like that.
 

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So you are not working & staying married so you can get health insurance & higher alimony? Do you know how much that makes you sound like a gold digger?

I guess you MISSED where she posted her laundry list of emotional and mental health issues that prevent her from working?

And maybe you ALSO missed where she says she's been married almost 30 years?????

Do you understand what a gold digger actually IS?

How insulting.
 

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I know how it sounds, and I'm extremely ashamed and embarrassed of this. I do work with a part time job that pays very little, no benefits. I have anxiety, CPTSD, autism and other mental and physical illnesses which I'm in treatment for. My husband knew these things about me when were married and agreed to me working part time. I am not lazy. I work as hard as I can, both at home and at my job.

You don't need to defend yourself to anyone here.

You've been married for 30 years and your financial situation was mutually AGREED UPON many many years ago. I'm still laughing about the ridiculous "gold digger" remark. After 30 YEARS, I guess you'd be digging your OWN gold, wouldn't you?
 
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