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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
Precisely because you are too scared & upset to think straight is why you need a professional.

Another Q, if the PI comes back after billing you for a week's worth of survelliance & reports nothing suspicious will you then be satisfied?
Good question. I think I would be satisfied and revert to the usual Trust but Verify. I know, it's probably not the most healthy. :(
 

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Hire a decective to do the work. You will have to pay a professional for their skills, but this will put your doubts to rest, or confirm you suspicions. Be prepared: It could get ugly. Or it could be absolutely nothing.

Good luck .. and be prepared if you husband discovers you've been snooping on him. Especially if he is innocent. That could to lead to a huge argument about trust, or lack of.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
I am so sorry this happened. The pain is palpable in everything you post.

You shouldn't be dealing with this at all, and even if you don't "catch" him this time, are you really happy living with someone you know for a fact you can't trust?
We get along very well for the most part, enjoy the same things. I am mostly happy when I'm not worried about this. o_O (I know, it sounds crazy) This stuff has just flared up again over the last few months
and I really need to be sure nothing is happening.We've been married almost 30 years, I'm in my mid-50s, no real career to speak of, and deal with severe anxiety & other health issues which have made it hard to stay in the working world. That's what scares me the most - I'd lose my health insurance if we divorced, I don't know how I'd support myself.
 

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Why live like this?

You stay with this man because of your dread of that feared-coming poverty.

Talk to a lawyer, your after-marriage situation might not be as bad as you think.

You will get 50% of the marital assets and maybe some alimony payments.

Right now, you have 0% peace of mind.
After the divorce, that peace of mind will be solely yours.

Your soul will be at ease.
Your POM will day-by-day, rise to normality.
 

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We get along very well for the most part, enjoy the same things. I am mostly happy when I'm not worried about this. o_O (I know, it sounds crazy) This stuff has just flared up again over the last few months
and I really need to be sure nothing is happening.We've been married almost 30 years, I'm in my mid-50s, no real career to speak of, and deal with severe anxiety & other health issues which have made it hard to stay in the working world. That's what scares me the most - I'd lose my health insurance if we divorced, I don't know how I'd support myself.
I know it's scary. It breaks my heart for you. Only you can decide if you can live with his cheating or not. But honestly, if you decide to stay, you'd be better served to stop checking on him. You know he's going to be unfaithful, and you said he hides it. If you stop looking, you likely won't see that he's cheating.

What if in the mean time you went and looked for a job that has health insurance? Maybe something in your doctor's office, where you're surrounded by people who can also help you with your anxiety? I hope that suggestion isn't insensitive, I don't want you to think I'm making light of your issue. Just trying to be helpful. It's a bad situation, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please know this is a flaw in HIM, not in you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
Ok, how did you get into his office to search around? I have never seen any business that would just let a spouse in to search their spouses office. Assuming this is true, he absolutely knows that you did this.

Also, do you think it's possible that you are letting your thoughts get to your head? A 2 hour or more business meeting is not unrealistic. Many of those meetings are empty suits just babbling about nothing lol. I myself have to attend lunch meetings with female coworkers that often last well over an hour. Other than small talk, it's mainly business.

My advice is that unless you have something much more concrete like unexplained hotel room charges, pair of panties, lipstick stains on him, etc. Don't let these speculative assumptions fester and ruin the relationship with accusations.
I've been at his office many times, to drop something off or pick him up, etc. I admit to looking in his desk drawers when he's been called away for a minute. The only thing I ever noticed was once a picture of me on his bookcase that was turned over once. I chalked that one up to being paranoid.

Totally not worried about a 2 hour business meeting. It's just that his phone was not there during the first hour of the meeting.

There were some other very serious accusations being thrown around by an ex-employee about workplace affairs last fall, so my paranoia is in full swing. I probably should have mentioned it in my first post.
 

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I've been at his office many times, to drop something off or pick him up, etc. I admit to looking in his desk drawers when he's been called away for a minute. The only thing I ever noticed was once a picture of me on his bookcase that was turned over once. I chalked that one up to being paranoid.

Totally not worried about a 2 hour business meeting. It's just that his phone was not there during the first hour of the meeting.

There were some other very serious accusations being thrown around by an ex-employee about workplace affairs last fall, so my paranoia is in full swing. I probably should have mentioned it in my first post.
how about sitting down and talking with your husband? No snooping. Ask him.
 

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Other than he lied about the time, if the locator showed he was in his office later than he said he was then he went to a meeting location, what do you actually think was happening? do you really think he was having sex in his office from 3:30 to 5? That is awfully risky. I understand office affairs but don't you think sex on premise is the stuff of movies & TV?

I suppose you could rent a car or borrow one from a friend & do your own surveillance before you spend the money on a PI,

Any chance he has 2 phones?

I'm not sure I understand your fear of screwing this up. If you are already suspicious of infidelity, your marriage is broken but not by your actions. Getting confirmation isn't a screw up. If the PI gets caught that professional probably has ways to talk themselves out of the situation without revealing you hired them. Do you think that if your spouse knows you went to that extreme that the spouse will leave you for your lack of trust?
Sex in the office nowadays is too risky for the smarter wayward, male or female.
 

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how about sitting down and talking with your husband? No snooping. Ask him.
My opinion about this:
That's a good option if you're prepared to walk away right now and just want to give him the chance to come clean.

If you need evidence... I wouldn't do this.
He will start the lying, minimizing, blameshifting, gaslighting games and then take things deeper.
Then you'll never find enough evidence and never be settled about it either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
I know it's scary. It breaks my heart for you. Only you can decide if you can live with his cheating or not. But honestly, if you decide to stay, you'd be better served to stop checking on him. You know he's going to be unfaithful, and you said he hides it. If you stop looking, you likely won't see that he's cheating.

What if in the mean time you went and looked for a job that has health insurance? Maybe something in your doctor's office, where you're surrounded by people who can also help you with your anxiety? I hope that suggestion isn't insensitive, I don't want you to think I'm making light of your issue. Just trying to be helpful. It's a bad situation, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please know this is a flaw in HIM, not in you.
The only thing that keeps me from looking for a job that somebody once told me told me a job might screw up alimony payments. I feel horrible and selfish for thinking this way. I really do want to work, but don't know how long I can handle it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
My opinion about this:
That's a good option if you're prepared to walk away right now and just want to give him the chance to come clean.

If you need evidence... I wouldn't do this.
He will start the lying, minimizing, blameshifting, gaslighting games and then take things deeper.
Then you'll never find enough evidence and never be settled about it either.
No, I don't plan on asking any direct questions about an affair. He lied to me for twenty years about the last ones.
 

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Sex in the office nowadays is too risky for the smarter wayward, male or female.
Unless they are doing it in his car in a parking garage? Which is beyond risky these days given security cameras, cell phones, etc. I'm thinking this guy may in innocent of the presumed transgressions.
 

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The only thing that keeps me from looking for a job that somebody once told me told me a job might screw up alimony payments. I feel horrible and selfish for thinking this way. I really do want to work, but don't know how long I can handle it.
Honestly, if that's where your head is, why don't you talk to an attorney? Just because you talk to one doesn't mean you have to follow through. Perhaps if you knew what your options would be, you'd be better able to make your decision. Right now you're worried about what would happen because you're not sure. Perhaps a consult with a divorce attorney would be more helpful than a PI right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
Honestly, if that's where your head is, why don't you talk to an attorney? Just because you talk to one doesn't mean you have to follow through. Perhaps if you knew what your options would be, you'd be better able to make your decision. Right now you're worried about what would happen because you're not sure. Perhaps a consult with a divorce attorney would be more helpful than a PI right now.
Thanks! This makes sense, I will do this.
 

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Other woman's house, other woman's car?
Regardless of what he was doing & where... the issue of google showing him driving at 5:15-5:30 removes the possibility of him being honest.
If it was simply a location update problem, google would "jump" to the new location instead of mimicking him driving. (right google experts?).
 

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The only thing that keeps me from looking for a job that somebody once told me told me a job might screw up alimony payments. I feel horrible and selfish for thinking this way. I really do want to work, but don't know how long I can handle it.
So you are not working & staying married so you can get health insurance & higher alimony? Do you know how much that makes you sound like a gold digger? Yikes. I assume these are simply practical considerations but they don't paint you in a flattering light.

Alimony is disfavored by the Courts anyway & there is thing called purported income, meaning just because you are not working if the other side proves that you could be working the court will ascribe some income to you even though you are not earning it. Laziness will not be rewarded. You don't get to sit home & collect just because you did not work while married.

Talk to a lawyer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
So you are not working & staying married so you can get health insurance & higher alimony? Do you know how much that makes you sound like a gold digger? Yikes. I assume these are simply practical considerations but they don't paint you in a flattering light.

Alimony is disfavored by the Courts anyway & there is thing called purported income, meaning just because you are not working if the other side proves that you could be working the court will ascribe some income to you even though you are not earning it. Laziness will not be rewarded. You don't get to sit home & collect just because you did not work while married.

Talk to a lawyer.
I know how it sounds, and I'm extremely ashamed and embarrassed of this. I do work with a part time job that pays very little, no benefits. I have anxiety, CPTSD, autism and other mental and physical illnesses which I'm in treatment for. My husband knew these things about me when were married and agreed to me working part time. I am not lazy. I work as hard as I can, both at home and at my job.
 

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I know how it sounds, and I'm extremely ashamed and embarrassed of this. I do work with a part time job that pays very little, no benefits. I have anxiety, CPTSD, autism and other mental and physical illnesses which I'm in treatment for. My husband knew these things about me when were married and agreed to me working part time. I am not lazy. I work as hard as I can, both at home and at my job.
He knew you would be dependent on him when he got you to marry him. Cheaters play the long game; if you're dependent on him then you are far less likely to leave him when he cheats. 😔
 
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