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My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 children together. We have our ups and downs and in all honesty I have not payed enough attention to her over the years. Blamed her for the kids and haven't been there enough for them. In may of this year we were both out having a good time and we both got pretty drunk. I went to bed and she stayed up. She cheated on me that night with one of my (was) good friends. She admitted it the next day and felt horrible. I handled it like a crying baby and asked for all sorts of reassurances that didn't last very long from her. She seemed remorseful but not as much as I thought she should be. She is very prideful and has a big problem telling the truth, small or big. This occurrence however was a wake up call for me that I needed to spend more time with my family and making sure my wife's needs were met. I think I did a fairly good job at this but she often didn't think so. So 5 months go by and I am looking at cell phone bills considering switching carriers and notice like 600 texts back and forth between a certain number. So I go get her phone and look thru the texts and there are none there. Deleted. Look in the contacts and its her boss. Go back 6 months there maybe 8 a month. Then 2-4 weeks after her cheating on me in may they sky rocket. So I confront her. She says she deleted them so I wouldn't be jealous that she texted her boss so much. Then later she said it was due to patient confidentiality(medical field). I called bs and that if there was nothing to hide it shouldn't be hidden. So I let it lie low and just watch. Now I am thinking, around that time frame is when she started to run, new habit, started caring more about her clothes, sexier underwear, hair, make up, stuff she never paid as much mind to before. She is fairly new to this job and it is a secretarial type so appearance can matter. We go on vacation and get back and I look at her text right before we left. She deleted one from her boss again. Not all but just one. I confront her and she freaks out about me going through her phone, treating her like a child and then tells me she is done. I ask her to keep trying to make it work between us and she agrees. Then her christmas part comes around and she basically tells me she doesn't want me to go because she wont have fun because I won't have fun because the OM will be there. Even though there "isn't" anything going on I think there is. Im pissed but agree to watch the kids. She is late coming home but I don't believe anything happen as the OMW and kids were there as well. So I keep wondering what is really going on. Tearing me apart, Cant eat, cant sleep well, totally unproductive at work, Ruining christmas for me. Well the other day I confessed to my boss what was going on.Told him why I was not doing well. Turns out his wife is best friends with the OMW. Small town, sorta. Anyways she talked to the OMW who confronted the OM ad he claims that they did talk about personal things beyond work but that he will stop that now because he do not want it to be construed to him having and affair. I also found out she has been bad mouthing me for some time at work and that she considered the marriage over. The OM also said that nothing has nor will happen. He is a married doc with 3 kids. What he and his wife don't know is that I have a lot of texts and e-mails between them that are not flat out saying they are having an affair but infer things, and talk about when eachother will be at work (odd hours). And my wife is always SO nice to him in the messages. Its driving me nuts. And to think everyone else is thinking I'm nuts is making it worse. She is planning on moving out in a few weeks and tells me that I am trying to fix our marriage to little to late. And this is besides the possible affair issue. I think. I am so sure that they are having an affair and they both deny deny deny. I don't know what to do. She doesn't know I can see her texts and emails I don't think but there isn't anything solid. They have places at work that this affair could take place. I'm afraid if I confront her with all the evidence I have she will just leave. I have thought about the exposure part but I don't have rock solid evidence. I don't know how to take that to her parents, which is where she will have to be moving as I told her I wouldn't be leaving our house. I don't want to make it easy for her to leave. A huge part of me believe there is something going on but I am not 100%. We have been together our entire adult life. I'm not sure what to do without her. She is a great mother and hard worker. I think she is slipping aways and Im not sure how to stop it. I feel like she gave up on our marriage because of her infatuation for this OM. Like I said earlier we have had issues, usually the same ones, but I believe we can work past them. More so now that I have been trying so much more. Please tell me I'm not crazy and what I should do. Thank You
 

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I'm afraid if I confront her with all the evidence I have she will just leave.
Not exposing the affair is protecting and enabling there affair. Send the messages to the OMW. Let her decide whats good for her marriage by knowing the truth. If she had the info you would want her to give it to you. Your wife is telling you she will leave anyways regardless about the affair. She has been bad mouthing you behind your back and making you out to be crazy. Expose her for her actions. I'm sure those emails have enough proof that they are more then "friends" without the direct word texted. Explain to everyone that she was also buying new clothes and sexy underwear and it wasn't for you. 600 texts a month is a hell of alot to justify, nobody will believe that "friends" BS.

Your wife didn't want you to go to the party because she was scared about what you might say. You should not have fallen for that Bu!!sh$%t and went anyways. Now you see how manipulative she can be.
In short: Do nothing and rugsweep, you WILL lose your wife. Expose and confront, you May lose your wife anyways OR You may snap her out of the Fog and reconcile.
 

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You are not crazy - buckle your seatbelt - you are in for a very painful rocky road..you will meet someone new - as affairs change people. Your old relationship is dead. It had been 9 months for me and I am better now (with some rocky points) - but everything I was instructed by members of this came true. She is gaslighting you.....do this ASAP ...get evidence and expose to relatives, friends, coworkers etc.....you will understand why later. Sorry you are here. You will get through this.....but expose expose expose.....
 

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What phone does she have ? You can recover the texts..

Also, have direct contact with the OMW and check if she will help you.

Your wife is lying her way out of the marriage saying you could never do enough..She will never say what you did was enough because she she is doing the carrot and the stick



You will never reach her expectations because she will change them as soon as you reach them. She is the one that cheated and you are the one working to fix the marriage..You are fixing a tire when it is the engine that has a major fault.

How are you keeping tabs on her ?
 

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Happiness comes from within, we then project it on our surroundings. If you have to look for happiness outside of what you already have, there must be something wrong inside of you.

Start respecting yourself. If you don't, no one else will. Decide what you can, and can't live with. Let her know. If she loves and respects you enough, she will listen. If not, tough luck. We all get conned. Better luck next time. Whatever you do, don't be a doormat. There are more than 3 billion women on this planet itself. We all deserve better than cheaters and liars.

Other more experienced users will give you valuable instructions. Follow those even if that pains you like never before.

Good luck. This is going to make you a better person.
 

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My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 children together. We have our ups and downs and in all honesty I have not payed enough attention to her over the years. Blamed her for the kids and haven't been there enough for them. In may of this year we were both out having a good time and we both got pretty drunk. I went to bed and she stayed up. She cheated on me that night with one of my (was) good friends. She admitted it the next day and felt horrible. I handled it like a crying baby and asked for all sorts of reassurances that didn't last very long from her. She seemed remorseful but not as much as I thought she should be. She is very prideful and has a big problem telling the truth, small or big. This occurrence however was a wake up call for me that I needed to spend more time with my family and making sure my wife's needs were met. I think I did a fairly good job at this but she often didn't think so. So 5 months go by and I am looking at cell phone bills considering switching carriers and notice like 600 texts back and forth between a certain number. So I go get her phone and look thru the texts and there are none there. Deleted. Look in the contacts and its her boss. Go back 6 months there maybe 8 a month. Then 2-4 weeks after her cheating on me in may they sky rocket. So I confront her. She says she deleted them so I wouldn't be jealous that she texted her boss so much. Then later she said it was due to patient confidentiality(medical field). I called bs and that if there was nothing to hide it shouldn't be hidden. So I let it lie low and just watch. Now I am thinking, around that time frame is when she started to run, new habit, started caring more about her clothes, sexier underwear, hair, make up, stuff she never paid as much mind to before. She is fairly new to this job and it is a secretarial type so appearance can matter. We go on vacation and get back and I look at her text right before we left. She deleted one from her boss again. Not all but just one. I confront her and she freaks out about me going through her phone, treating her like a child and then tells me she is done. I ask her to keep trying to make it work between us and she agrees. Then her christmas part comes around and she basically tells me she doesn't want me to go because she wont have fun because I won't have fun because the OM will be there. Even though there "isn't" anything going on I think there is. Im pissed but agree to watch the kids. She is late coming home but I don't believe anything happen as the OMW and kids were there as well. So I keep wondering what is really going on. Tearing me apart, Cant eat, cant sleep well, totally unproductive at work, Ruining christmas for me. Well the other day I confessed to my boss what was going on.Told him why I was not doing well. Turns out his wife is best friends with the OMW. Small town, sorta. Anyways she talked to the OMW who confronted the OM ad he claims that they did talk about personal things beyond work but that he will stop that now because he do not want it to be construed to him having and affair. I also found out she has been bad mouthing me for some time at work and that she considered the marriage over. The OM also said that nothing has nor will happen. He is a married doc with 3 kids. What he and his wife don't know is that I have a lot of texts and e-mails between them that are not flat out saying they are having an affair but infer things, and talk about when eachother will be at work (odd hours). And my wife is always SO nice to him in the messages. Its driving me nuts. And to think everyone else is thinking I'm nuts is making it worse. She is planning on moving out in a few weeks and tells me that I am trying to fix our marriage to little to late. And this is besides the possible affair issue. I think. I am so sure that they are having an affair and they both deny deny deny. I don't know what to do. She doesn't know I can see her texts and emails I don't think but there isn't anything solid. They have places at work that this affair could take place. I'm afraid if I confront her with all the evidence I have she will just leave. I have thought about the exposure part but I don't have rock solid evidence. I don't know how to take that to her parents, which is where she will have to be moving as I told her I wouldn't be leaving our house. I don't want to make it easy for her to leave. A huge part of me believe there is something going on but I am not 100%. We have been together our entire adult life. I'm not sure what to do without her. She is a great mother and hard worker. I think she is slipping aways and Im not sure how to stop it. I feel like she gave up on our marriage because of her infatuation for this OM. Like I said earlier we have had issues, usually the same ones, but I believe we can work past them. More so now that I have been trying so much more. Please tell me I'm not crazy and what I should do. Thank You
You are not crazy. Of course she has been having an affair with him. She has been having sex with him. It has been going on a while now.

Stop being afraid. Speak your mind and do not be afraid of losing her. She probably is wondering what is wrong with you and thinks you are pathetic for putting up with her antics. And she is leaving you anyway.

Don't tell her any of your sources of information. Also, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. My guess is that you will have hard evidence of her affair within a week. If you come up with hard evidence, you should expose the affair far and wide. Tell all of your family and friends and all of her family and friends and of course all of her coworkers and the doctor's wife.

There's a good chance your marriage may be over no matter what you do. If so, you might as well conduct yourself with a little pride and self-respect and end it with your dignity intact.

She cheated on you in your own home with your best friend in May. When she started wearing sexier underwear is when she started having sex with the doctor. Your unintended exposure to the doctor's wife through your boss's wife only made your wife and the doctor more cafeful.

A member named carmen ohio posted this in another thread. This situation applies to you, too.

While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa).

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1).

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6).

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you.
 

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If your wife is going to end the marriage then avoiding the issue won't stop her.

Confront her, do not stand for any of this nonsense. If you want to stay married, star demanding she honour her vows.

What is happening to you is normal. Some marriages recover from it, but sadly some don't. I don't know how to guess which way it will go for you.

It sucks. Hang in there and be strong.
 

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Most of us who have been in your shoes can instantly spot a cheater, because they follow a script.

Your wife follows the cheater's script to a tee.

You are in the denial fog right now, so it would be helpful if you get more evidence. VAR in the CAR. Today.

You already caught her cheating once. You know she is capable of it. Also, realize that cheaters are exceptional liars and she will never admit to it if you don't have proof.

Get the hard evidence you need, then expose it to everyone. Most likely,that will end the affair. After that, you can either divorce or reconcile. Your choice. You have to decide what you want to live with.

There are tons of posts here similar to yours. Read them to see how you should act, what you can expect, etc.

Sorry you are here.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't feel like I can expose to the degree that this will need exposing with out at least one piece of concrete evidence. I thi k that they will just explain it always. I think the the OMW will minimize it other wards. She is a doc as well at a different location. But I know they pull big numbers between them and I doubt she is willing to risk that for circumstantial evidence. And I know I am being weak by not wanting to loose her here. We have been together 10 years and we are 25. So all of our adult life was formed together. I understand that codependency is playing a factor here. I'm not sure what to tell her parents if I don't have anything concrete. I already talked to her dad and too him we are having problems and that I suspected an affair but not the details. I love my wife very much. Probably to much. I also love my kids and think that us staying together is the best thing for them. Butmy wife doesn't seem to be snapping out of it. In not sure how to get mor evidence. There is a logger on both the cell and laptop however she can alway use a work phone or have another acct. although I don't think so. I discovered the other day that she started using iMessage on her ipad which would be a first for her as she never did this before. I am guessing because she suspects her phone and everything else is being watched. I didn't even think to check the ipad. Happened to look and there was a message on there from the OM. Nothing bad I think just work stuff. I am wondering if she is tryi g to make me look crazy with this twisted little game so that she doesn't look so bad when she leaves. I'm lost. Thank you everyone.
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She is still in the fog. She knows you love her and at some level she is controling you. Her A has not been exposed to the daylight so it is still fun and exciting.

If she thought she could lose you and if she had to deal with pain from exposure she would stop.

But none of those things are happening. She needs to know that you and the kids are on the line. You cannot just say it you have to live it.
 

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If your wife is going to end the marriage then avoiding the issue won't stop her.

Confront her, do not stand for any of this nonsense. If you want to stay married, star demanding she honour her vows.

What is happening to you is normal. Some marriages recover from it, but sadly some don't. I don't know how to guess which way it will go for you.

It sucks. Hang in there and be strong.
:iagree:

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Expose this to the dr.'s wife. Show her all the evidence you have and tell her you have even have MORE but thats all you will show her, so that she wont tell her hubby "this is all he has" etc That is a good way to put additional pressure on BOTH sides.

She will get mad, who cares, she finds it innocent but she does not know what she is doing. She will not know until she feels it for herself because she is too selfish to understand your feelings.
 

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The first time you caught her cheating you rewarded her by being a better husband (or so you thought). She had no real incentive not to cheat again. She lost respect for you because you basically allowed her to get away with it.

The WORSE thing you can do now is try to save the M. She will see it as you being weak and besides, she doesn’t want to R anyway. Give them what they want and 9 times out of 10 they'll stop wanting it.

You’ve been too nice all this time, you have to go scorched earth now. Turn the tables of her and file. She can only walk all over you if you let her.
 

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Expose this to the dr.'s wife. Show her all the evidence you have and tell her you have even have MORE but thats all you will show her, so that she wont tell her hubby "this is all he has" etc That is a good way to put additional pressure on BOTH sides.

She will get mad, who cares, she finds it innocent but she does not know what she is doing. She will not know until she feels it for herself because she is too selfish to understand your feelings.
Way too many texts you should show omw now.
 

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Show the OMW what you have. But you have to stop the crying and begging. Right now your wife is basically keeping you around as a meal ticket. You are more like her roomate than her husband. You know what is going on and that is enough. The reason we encourage waiting for the smoking gun is because a lot of BS tend to stay in denial. If you are willing to accept what is going on and not be swayed, strung along, and you realize you can no longer trust your wife's word, then confront. If this were me I'd have told her to leave and served her with papers. You need to stop begging her to come back. You need to yank the rug out from under her feet.

"I know that you are your boss are having an inappropriate relationship. Regardless of whether or not you have had sex I know that you could care less about me. I have heard you consider our marriage over. I don't care to hear excuses or to just trust you since you have made a career of lying to me. You have two options quit your job and commit to our marriage or sign these.(have divorce papers in hand.) A divorce can always be stopped and the hardest part is getting started. So start the process and make sure that your response to everything she says is you're lying.
If she says " my husband is supposed to trust me."
respond with " I don't have a wife right now, she's gone and you've stepped in and I don't want you in my life anymore. "
If she says she wants to work on the marriage you tell her nothing in happening until she leaves her job. A marriage is worth more than a paycheck.

If she signs the papers then you know she was just using you and you deserve better. You need to understand once in the fog of an affair your partner will be living a double-triple life. She will rewrite history to make it seem like she is the bad guy not you. Instead of man my BS was home twice a week doing the best he can. IT's My Bs was never home and my needs weren't met.

Your Original Post follows the self blaming BS script. You need to determine when the affair started. That will probably tell you alot. I mean every marriage has problems. As soon as your wife started going outside of your marriage it became compromised. Therefore the problems in the marriage become excuses for the affair, and not the actual problem.
 

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I don't feel like I can expose to the degree that this will need exposing with out at least one piece of concrete evidence. I thi k that they will just explain it always. I think the the OMW will minimize it other wards.
What you just said here is that what other people think is all that matters, and that what you think is not important enough on its own for you to take action. Read Will_Kane's post above and follow it to a T. While you should still gather more evidence if you can, more evidence is not needed for you to act. Act now without delay. Stop faking that you need more evidence in order to act. Doing nothing and being weak is why you are here.

Your wife is already doing this by the way. She is taking actions based on her happiness. She does not care what you think. Not having you come to the company party, when everyone else including the other man brought their spouses, speaks volumes about how little she cares about what you think. She is publicly disrespecting you at work and did not want you there because of it.

Your marraige may be too far gone to save, but what little chance that you have to save it requires that you stop being a sucker and act. Time is not on your side. What you are doing (or not doing) is not working. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein.
 

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OP, what do you think will happen, if you don't expose? Your wife has already told you she wants out of the marriage and that nothing you can do will make it any better. So why be so submissive? What does it gain you? If you don't get tough on your wife, you will lose your marriage. If you DO get tough, you MIGHT save it or at least your self-respect. Do you want your kids to think you are weak?
 

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OP, what do you think will happen, if you don't expose? Your wife has already told you she wants out of the marriage and that nothing you can do will make it any better. So why be so submissive? What does it gain you? If you don't get tough on your wife, you will lose your marriage. If you DO get tough, you MIGHT save it or at least your self-respect. Do you want your kids to think you are weak?
Yep time to go scorched earth on this one you can't nice her out of this.
 

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My dear fellow. If I understand your previous post, you are 25. Yet you are acting like a scared little boy. You have trained your wife how to treat you by requiring no consequences from her first betrayal and by being spineless in the face of an avalanche of information telling you she is having an affair. You say you love this woman and want to work on the marriage. Why you would want that is beyond me. However, if you do the only path that leads to recovery is to find your balls and demand an end to this affair. You have already been told what to do, but I will reiterate for effect.

1) Send the emails/texts you have to the OMW NOW. Let her make up her own mind what they mean. If she choses to ignore it, your conscios is clear.

2) Confront your wife with an ultimatum. You or the OM. It is as simple as that.

3) I personally would expose to her family if you think they would be allies in anyway.

The most difficult part here is standing up for yourself. Your wife sees you as weak because you are. Why should she want you? You have devalued yourself by being willing to accept this crap. No matter what happens you will be better off than living in this limbo.
Good luck
 
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