[iraqsucks]

Im not sure if im posting in the right place here. I am in Iraq and so me and my wife cannot go to mairage counseling. Basically before we got married I looked at porn and still had some on my computer and then I deleted it all off and never watched it again its been about a year. Since ive been in iraq I looked at porn one day and then after words felt severly guilty for it. When whent home on leave and my wife asked if id looked at any and after some hesitation I told her that I had and that I never would again. She considered it to be cheating so she doese not trust me at all. She is the only woman who I have ever had sex with and would ever want to I dont know how she could think that I would be cheating. She also said that if I ever looked at porn again she would devorce me. I will never look at it again EVER but just knowing that she could devorce me over something like that really hurts. I have appologized to her and told her id never do it again. She does not trust me and thinks im looking at more of it and she accused me of having an addiction when that truely was the only time in about a year that ive looked at it. She said that I was having sex in my mind with other women so I cheated but that is not what I had in my mind. Id just like some opinions on the situation and mabye how to help it thank you

 

[dobo]

While I can see how she might think this, I also think that she's being rigid and unfair to you. Just do your best on the porn thing but don't beat yourself up if you slip now and then. It doesn't make it an addiction, it just makes it somethnig appealing since you're away from your wife and since it is such a simple, easy diversion. (That's the real problem with porn, how easy it is.) You are doing your best.

There is really no way for you to convince her of what you are thinking if she doesn't want to believe it. I think all you can do is assure her that you love her and want her above all others on a consistent basis.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've thought about other men in a not-so-in-keeping-with-marriage way. Is it cheating? No. But is it good for marriage? No. So like all things that are potential lures away from marriage, I ask myself why I'd do such a thing and what it is that I can do differently so that someone else isn't a lure.

All you can do is have a mature discussion with her about how you feel. But you have to be truthful and if that means that sometimes you think about being with one of those porn women, you have to admit it. My husband puts himself in the scene when he's looking at it, and I wouldn't be surprised if other men do as well. For some reason, his being honest about it made it easier to accept. It is the lies that drive people nuts.

And then if she can't handle the truth, you'll just have to see where things land. My guess is that she wouldnt' follow through with a divorce. That doesn't mean you should take advantage of it by using porn on a regular basis because if you do that, it would undermine the relationship in the long-term. But it does mean that she'll have to allow herself to be more open and understanding of what you've done in teh past, and not condemn you so much for it.

I'm afraid you're going to go through many more arguments over this. Just be honest. It is the only thing you can do.

 

[ilovetexas]

i believe your wife is being too harsh w/ you
this is only my opinion and i dont post on here often but when i saw your post i wanted to reply
my husband is in iraq and i know deployments are hard and it seems like she is making things harder for you.
i have never been bothered by porn especialy when he was deployed or in the field. looking at porn isnt cheating.porn is a problem if you are addicted to it and choose porn over your spouse
you stay safe there and i hope the best for you!!!! military marriages are hard!!! my hubby has been in 19 yrs

 

[Blanca]

I will never look at it again EVER

you dont know that. you're human. you make mistakes (if that's what you want to call it). i dont think you planned on looking at it in iraq either.

She does not trust me and thinks im looking at more of it and she accused me of having an addiction when that truely was the only time in about a year that ive looked at it.

i think my h has an addiction. he hasnt looked at porn in about a year. and a year ago he looked at a utube video of some girls and i flipped. stupid thing to freak out about right? but in the context of the whole situation, its not really that extreme, or stupid. you have to look at the entire situation of your marriage, not this isolated event. im guessing there's a lot more to your story.

She said that I was having sex in my mind with other women so I cheated but that is not what I had in my mind.

I feel the same way about my H. everyone is different. some people dont see it that way and thats fine. but you didnt marry someone else. you married someone that feels strongly about this, and because you felt so guilty about looking in the first place, im guessing you also feel the same way. Is she religious? are you?

You can fight her until you're blue in the face that what you did was no big deal. and you'll get divorced. it took my H years to understand this concept. but now he apologizes every single time i bring it up. he doesnt question if my feelings are legitimate. i think he really feels sorry for how he's actions affected me, even if he doesnt feel responsible for all of my feelings. there's a huge difference between holding yourself accountable for all the hurt she's feeling, and feeling empathy that she is hurting.

and that is something i had to work on- not holding my H responsible for the entire of the hurt i felt. some of the hurt i felt was from what he did, but some of it was also from my past. i had to learn to separate that.

but you cant control your wife. you can only work on you. maybe the extend of her feelings is not your fault- but that doesnt mean you cant feel bad for what she's going through and be open to talking about it with her. you have to separate what is in your control, and what is not. you did cause some hurt. that is your responsibility to amend. you had an agreement and you broke it. you have to answer for that. but some of the extreme hurt and distrusting might not be your fault (although im guessing your past has something to do with her reaction) and you have to let go of that and let her deal with it. but you can still empathize with her feelings.

 

[larniegrl]

I can understand why women feel this way, but I do feel that they may be misunderstanding the way men think. I've always thought that romantic/erotic books is the woman's porn. This is just the different ways we fantasize...it doesn't make it right, but to be realistic...the majority of people fantasize at one time or another of sexual situations. If a woman has ever seen porn, she will notice that it is simply physical pure and simple...there is nothing intimate/emotional about porn...unless your man is watching it hours a day, and neglecting other aspects of his life...then it is probably not an issue to argue about.

If it bothers you to walk in and see him watching it...watch it with him, or set some ground-rules. Pick few things in marriage that you say "no" to. My husband watching some porn every few months is not something I choose to argue about.

Iraqsucks...don't set down things that your WILL NOT do...unless you are absolutely sure you can keep your word. Your wife needs to loosen up a little. You were gone for months on end, without any physical connection to her...and I'm wondering if she was into sending you erotic pics of herself/having "sexual" e-mail or phone chats...helping you deal with your physical needs as a male?

While I did see porn from her point of view a few years ago...I've grown past it to see the true issue. It was simply my insecurity and fear that he would "see" something in those girls that he wanted. It was an area of trust I had to grow up in...because honestly...there will always be a magazine cover in the store, scantily clad women walking by, online pop-ups...but I have to learn to trust that my husband only has eyes for me, and that I am the only one he is coming home too.

 

[joevn]

Wow, I'm amazed at how inflexible your wife is.

I look at porn now and then and it's a waste of my time and I feel bad about it but my wife didn't say anything.

But I'm not addicted--because that's not my personality. In fact, seeing how wives react to it, I am going to cut it out cold turkey. Just to prove to myself (and noone else) that I don't need it.

Today is Nov. 5th, 2009. I'm writing it down....

At least may be this is one way I got some value out of this site....

 

[lastinline]

Thanks for your service. I remember when I was in, and to be honest porn was there whether you wanted to look at it or not. I am sure you know what I mean, that guy 3 lockers down with the virtual adult bookstore in his coffin locker. It can be tough to "be good". What I would suggest is that if you can indentify the areas where you will be tempted, it will make it a lot easier to stay away from them. I mean, put filters on your computer and what not.

I am assuming your wife is very religious because she is adopting a "Jesus" sort of view on adultery. While this is commendable, it is a very lofty standard to meet. I agree with her though that all sin starts in the mind, so be careful what you let "nest there". My final suggestion would be for you to switch those lusty thoughts over to her. This is why many wives send their hubbies away with "special" pictures of them, but she didn't think of that before you deployed, hmmm. That could be a big part of the problem. Well, it's never to late to ask her. It seems like the perfect compromise. Thanks again for your service. LIL

 

[LOVEASIANCHERRY]

Your wife is very uptight and unreasonable. In no way is it cheating. She does not understand because she is not a man. I do not think one watching porn has to imagine being with the girls in the videos. It does not mean you want them or would be with them. It means you have a need to release semen. I think she does not have the right to expect what she is asking. Hate to say it, but I think time will show that this is an early warning sign of future problems.