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My husband and I have been together for 9 years. I just had our 3rd child 2.5 months ago. I'd describe our sex life as normal, a couple times a week on average. My husband has told me he started watching porn at a very young age and I first discovered it as a teen. We even watched it together when we were younger but I became uncomfortable with that and we haven't done that in years. I have zero interest in watching it. However, my husband has never stopped. It bothers me because he seems obsessed with it and lies to me about it and hides it from me. He told me he would stop and I had told him if he didn't I didnt want to be with him because it causes such a problem. I think this morning he was watching it again but he says he wasn't... but I'm not stupid. I can tell when he is lying. I didnt look at his phone or anything but I really think he's been lying to me again. I haven't brought it up in a long time but situations like what happened today make me not trust him. We find ways to make sex interesting with outfits and toys so it's not that its boring and quick. Its not. But I can't handle the lies and hiding things. I've told him the porn bothers me bc then he has unrealistic expectations from me. And he constantly makes comments about other women being attractive but makes me feel unattractive a lot... I'm not a prude but I feel disrespected. And its getting so old. I love everything about him aside from this. But I can't handle the issues this causes anymore. Open to all suggestions.
 

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In my opinion you have two very different problems, but you are categorizing them both as a direct issue with him using "porn" during self exploration.

The first problem is with him lying about his porn use. You need to ask yourself if he lies because you have shamed him for something that he enjoys doing and likely see nothing wrong with it. He probably can't reconcile your current disgust with porn against his entire life of enjoying it and still doing so. I would suggest that you advocate for self exploration in ways that uses erotic media that you both find less offensive. Perhaps this involves reading erotic books or you creating erotic media for his enjoyment (if you feel comfortable doing so). If you research boudoir photographers in your area, you'll likely find many professional and respectable businesses that produce private content for this type purpose to make you feel better about yourself and give your husband something graphic for his enjoyment. Here is an example of that:


Another issue is that porn creates unrealistic ideas and can skew a person's desires into something that creates stress and anxiety. By getting more involved in what erotic media is consumed in your home and trying to find something that is more in tune with who you are as a married couple is like the metaphor of tending to a garden that grows sexual desire. You can't allow weeds are invasive plants grow there. You have to spend some time nurturing it so that something healthy can grow there. Don't just yell at him and insist that he stay out of his gardens of desire because something unpleasant is growing there.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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My wife used to watch a lot of porn before becoming a mother. I still enjoy porn. I would say I'm kinkier then her but this has nothing to do with porn. It's how I am. I understand your frustrations, have you asked why he is still watching?

Although my wife doesn't engage in porn, since becoming a mother I'd say she masturbates more then 95% of porn actors out there. I would have imagined that was unrealistic until it happened. It shocked me.
 

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I haven't asked why. He has content of me and the 2 of us together so I don't understand why he needs more than that... since I don't. But as a result of his habit, he ends up asking me to do things I'm not comfortable with and continues to harass me about it and I end up feeling like the bad guy. We try new things but there is just some stuff I'm not comfortable with. Does your wife know or care? I get that some women are fine with it but I think since he knows I'm not, he should stop...
 

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Not sure who you are asking... When it comes to what I read/watch/do when I am alone, I am an open book in the event my wife has any questions. When it comes to this topic my wife requested that we be discrete and that she would rather not know what I do in private. Occasionally she will ask a question and I will gladly answer. I am however very aware of what/why certain things are offensive and I am mindful of those things.

We do get involved in each others private and personal space by making certain recommendations. At the moment we are recommending books for the other to read and when we have time together we enjoy discussing them. The media we enjoy would be considered appropriate for sale in a big box retail bookstore, so it is not anything crazy.

Aside from that your husband should not make you feel harassed and pressure you to do things that make you uncomfortable. I would encourage you to playfully do something to him that makes him very uncomfortable (as long as he agrees to it and it is with playful intentions) as a way to balance things out and try to transform that dynamic into something positive.

An example might be to challenge him to not watch porn as opposed to forbidding it. Another fun idea might be to use ice cubes on him and challenge him not to loose his desire for you while putting them wherever you want.

So if he gets pushy with you, push back but be playful about it and try to have fun!

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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I haven't asked why. He has content of me and the 2 of us together so I don't understand why he needs more than that... since I don't. But as a result of his habit, he ends up asking me to do things I'm not comfortable with and continues to harass me about it and I end up feeling like the bad guy. We try new things but there is just some stuff I'm not comfortable with. Does your wife know or care? I get that some women are fine with it but I think since he knows I'm not, he should stop...
My wife knows of my porn and my kinks yes. Somethings I desire she isn't comfortable with so we always find a way to meet in the middle. Is the reason you don't want him to is because it makes you feel like you're not enough? With my wife and I, she knows I only want to do and try these things with her...which makes it more comfortable for us both. Her masturbation obsession is just an added bonus.
 

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I knew a lady who got so fed up with her husbands long porn obsession that she gave him an ultimatum, the porn or her, and she really meant it and was ready to leave. Well he stopped just like that becase he knew she was finally ready to go and he didnt want to loose her.
I wouldnt put up with it ever. Its very unloving and completely disrespectful. If my husband asked me to stop doing something because it was hurtful to him then I would stop, no question about it. He knows you hate it and yet he still does it. What does that say.
 

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I haven't asked why. He has content of me and the 2 of us together so I don't understand why he needs more than that... since I don't. But as a result of his habit, he ends up asking me to do things I'm not comfortable with and continues to harass me about it and I end up feeling like the bad guy. We try new things but there is just some stuff I'm not comfortable with. Does your wife know or care? I get that some women are fine with it but I think since he knows I'm not, he should stop...
All I can tell you is don't do anything you don't want to do. Keep your boundaries and your comfort level. You might need to let him know at some point that if he keeps pushing, you may become so resentful that you don't want to be with him anymore.
 

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#1
situations like what happened today make me not trust him.
Let's take a look at the situation that happened today in your own words.
I think this morning he was watching it again but he says he wasn't... but I'm not stupid. I can tell when he is lying. I didnt look at his phone or anything but I really think he's been lying to me again.
OK so the thing that makes you not trust him is you thinking that he is lying to you. in other words you don't trust him because you don't trust him.

#2
I love everything about him aside from this.
let's look at how you feel about this.
I first discovered it as a teen. We even watched it together when we were younger
And how you were surprised by his use
My husband has told me he started watching porn at a very young age
Now let's look at your claim of love
I had told him if he didn't I didnt want to be with him because it causes such a problem.
OK so you love everything about him except you would rather not be with him because he is doing exactly the same thing he has always done, and that you also did. It looks like the only thing that has changed is your desire to be with him.
You don't trust him, you don't want to be with him. It really doesn't matter why, or what reason you want to attach to these feelings, you don't desire to be with him and you don't trust him. That is enough to say that you no longer love him.
 

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I’m confused at the problems it is causing. Are you saying him commenting on women is related to his porn use? That you not feeling sexy is related to his porn use? Why the sudden change since you use to watch it before with him.
 

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Can you answer a few specific questions? You are making some sweeping statements that you seem to think we should just automatically understand, but it would be very helpful if you could address them more specifically and put into context.

1. . We even watched it together when we were younger but I became uncomfortable with that and we haven't done that in years.

2. It bothers me because he seems obsessed with it and lies to me about it and hides it from me.

3. He told me he would stop and I had told him if he didn't I didnt want to be with him because it causes such a problem.

4.I think this morning he was watching it again but he says he wasn't... but I'm not stupid. I can tell when he is lying. I didnt look at his phone or anything but I really think he's been lying to me again.

5. I've told him the porn bothers me bc then he has unrealistic expectations from me.

6. And he constantly makes comments about other women being attractive but makes me feel unattractive a lot... I'm not a prude but I feel disrespected.

7. But I can't handle the issues this causes anymore. .
1. what are you uncomfortable about and what caused the discomfort?

2. Why do you think he is "obsessed?" How does this 'obsession' manifest itself?

3. What is the problem(s) that it causes that are so bad you would leave him?

4. Why do you think he was watching it this morning? What evidence do you have since you didn't check his phone or anything?

5. What specifically are these unrealistic expectations?

6. How is he making you feel unattractive? Have you discussed this with him and told him that it makes you feel unattractive?

7. What specifically are the issues the issues that the porn is causing?

Please be more specific and describe the nuts and bolts problems that are taking place.
 

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Porn ruining marriage
It's not porn ruining your marriage. It's your ridiculous ultimatum that he has to stop watching porn because YOU'RE no longer comfortable with it - even though you knew going in that he watches it and even though in your younger years you watched it with him.

Because you have no interest in it, you think that gives you the right to dictate to him that he can't watch it anymore, either. Actually, you gave him an ultimatum - that you'll leave him if he keeps watching it.

Who the hell are you to completely change the rules halfway through and put him in a position where he has to stop doing something he enjoys because YOU'VE decided for him that he can't see it anymore and you'll leave if he does?

I'm guessing now that you've had 3 kids and no longer have the figure you did a few years ago, you're suddenly feeling insecure so you're going to make your husband pay the price for that. Why do you THINK he lies to you about watching it???? Because you've changed the damned rules YEARS into the game, that's why!

Women who pull this **** are just so pathetic. It's pathetic when you think you can control what a man fantasizes about, it's pathetic when you think you can control everything he sees or hears, and it's pathetic when you think you can control what turns him on.

Good luck with that.
 

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Women who pull this **** are just so pathetic. It's pathetic when you think you can control what a man fantasizes about, it's pathetic when you think you can control everything he sees or hears, and it's pathetic when you think you can control what turns him on.

Good luck with that.
She is shaming him and he is allowing her to make him feel ashamed (as indicated by lying). In my opinion they are BOTH guilty of causing a problem. As a man, he shouldn't lie about something to his wife just because one day she changed her opinion about porn and now gets upset. That show weakness on his behalf and undermines trust which is way freaking worse than just being honest about how porn is or is not consumed.

It is like growing up and eating toast with Nutella everyday. Then one day you decide that Nutella may not exactly be healthy and that their use of palm oil may not be good for the environment. Then Nutella jumps out with an ad campaign to reassure you that any claims in the news that it can give you cancer due to palm oil are irresponsible and have no scientific evidence.


Then you decide to implement a zero tolerance ban Nutella from your house only to find out that your spouse still eats it and makes breakfast with it for the whole family when you are away and then everyone lies to you about it. Oh My!!!!
 

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If my husband "enjoyed" watching porn so much, I'd "not enjoy" him as much. Not everyone has to be happy about porn use, and yes, opinions and likes and dislikes can change over the course of a long marriage.
This is why I asked the OP for specific examples and context.

If she were to say her husband is spending hours a day spanking to porn, neglecting his responsibilities and pressuring her to let him hang her blindfolded upside down while being spanked by Romanian circus midgets with ping pong paddles and otherwise not meeting her needs since he was draining his own tank all the time - then that would be actual nuts and bolts problems.

But the wording of her post sounded more like feminist anti-porn rhetoric without any actual context.
It sounded more like she read some feminist anti-porn article or a church bulletin that said porn was bad so she didn't want her H doing it anymore. She used the words "problems" and "obsession" and "unrealistic expectations" etc etc but it was as we were supposed to just accept and understand what those problems and expectations were just because he watched some porn. There was no actual examples of behavior or context given.

Are we to assume that if he sneaked off into the bathroom to rub one out the other day that has to mean that he is "obsessed" and that he is going to be digging out the chains and paddles and calling up the Romanian circus midgets? By her own admission, she said that she did not check his phone or anything nor did she state why she even thought he looked at porn or what was behind her being triggered into thinking he was lying to her.

Now she may have some perfectly legitimate grievances and there may be some nuts and bolts problems and dysfunctions being caused by his porn use. I'm not saying that porn never causes real-world problems because it certainly can.

But the tone and wording of the post makes it sound more like anti-porn rhetoric and paranoia than any kind of actual cause-and-effect problems stemming from porn.
 

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It's not porn ruining your marriage. It's your ridiculous ultimatum that he has to stop watching porn because YOU'RE no longer comfortable with it - even though you knew going in that he watches it and even though in your younger years you watched it with him.

Because you have no interest in it, you think that gives you the right to dictate to him that he can't watch it anymore, either. Actually, you gave him an ultimatum - that you'll leave him if he keeps watching it.

Who the hell are you to completely change the rules halfway through and put him in a position where he has to stop doing something he enjoys because YOU'VE decided for him that he can't see it anymore and you'll leave if he does?

I'm guessing now that you've had 3 kids and no longer have the figure you did a few years ago, you're suddenly feeling insecure so you're going to make your husband pay the price for that. Why do you THINK he lies to you about watching it???? Because you've changed the damned rules YEARS into the game, that's why!

Women who pull this **** are just so pathetic. It's pathetic when you think you can control what a man fantasizes about, it's pathetic when you think you can control everything he sees or hears, and it's pathetic when you think you can control what turns him on.

Good luck with that.
It's a matter of context and degrees.

Thus far she hasn't given any indication of what kinds of problems the porn is supposedly causing or what kinds of expectations are being put on her due to porn.

If he is spanking to porn all day and neglecting her needs and neglecting his responsibilities (which does not appear to be the case because she said she likes everything about him except that he watches porn) or if he was pressuring her to do something she does not want to do because he digs it in porn - then she would have a legitimate grievance.

But she hasn't indicated any of that or provided any examples or evidence of that. She is making it sound like she is upset that she does not have 100% control and dominance over his sexuality. She sounds more like a nun in an orphanage making the nightly rounds making sure that the boys are touching themselves in an impure manner.

I hope she comes back with some additional information and context as that would make it easier to determine if there are some actual problems taking place or if she is just miffed that her H gets some occasional jollies by seeing some other women's boobies.
 

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This is why I asked the OP for specific examples and context.

If she were to say her husband is spending hours a day spanking to porn, neglecting his responsibilities and pressuring her to let him hang her blindfolded upside down while being spanked by Romanian circus midgets with ping pong paddles and otherwise not meeting her needs since he was draining his own tank all the time - then that would be actual nuts and bolts problems.

But the wording of her post sounded more like feminist anti-porn rhetoric without any actual context.
It sounded more like she read some feminist anti-porn article or a church bulletin that said porn was bad so she didn't want her H doing it anymore. She used the words "problems" and "obsession" and "unrealistic expectations" etc etc but it was as we were supposed to just accept and understand what those problems and expectations were just because he watched some porn. There was no actual examples of behavior or context given.

Are we to assume that if he sneaked off into the bathroom to rub one out the other day that has to mean that he is "obsessed" and that he is going to be digging out the chains and paddles and calling up the Romanian circus midgets? By her own admission, she said that she did not check his phone or anything nor did she state why she even thought he looked at porn or what was behind her being triggered into thinking he was lying to her.

Now she may have some perfectly legitimate grievances and there may be some nuts and bolts problems and dysfunctions being caused by his porn use. I'm not saying that porn never causes real-world problems because it certainly can.

But the tone and wording of the post makes it sound more like anti-porn rhetoric and paranoia than any kind of actual cause-and-effect problems stemming from porn.
Not wanting him to pressure and harass her to do stuff he sees in porn is feminist anti-porm rhetoric?
 

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Not wanting him to pressure and harass her to do stuff he sees in porn is feminist anti-porm rhetoric?
I would agree with your point. - if he is actually doing that. And if that pressure is somehow related back to the porn.

But nothing she has said describes what pressure he is exerting or how it ties back to the porn.

She said he makes comments about women being attractive. Well yeah duh, there are attractive women everywhere, the grocery store, the mall, the gas station etc etc

But if he is supposedly not supposed to watching porn, then why is she blaming porn for him thinking other women are attractive??

If he isn’t supposed to be watching it and if she has no actual evidence of him watching it and if he is denying watching it - then why is porn being blamed for his expectations and pressure???

Now I’m not saying he’s not watching it and I’m not saying he isn’t pressuring her due to it.

But what I am asking is what is the connection here? There are a few missing dots here between the fact that porn exists in the world and that their problems and these supposed unrealistic expectations are being caused by porn.

More substantive details are needed to make the connection here.

Otherwise all we have is some gal who doesn’t like porn in general accusing her husband of things and problems in their marriage for which there is no connecting evidence for.
 

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There has to be a time-before-internet pause inserted here.

Men have been wanting BJs and kink/fetish sex long before the internet.

Women, too. Don't want to leave them out.
Equal rights and equal treatment.
 

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There has to be a time-before-internet pause inserted here.

Men have been wanting BJs and kink/fetish sex long before the internet.

Women, too. Don't want to leave them out.
Equal rights and equal treatment.
Do you wonder if cave women blamed cave drawings of sex for cave men getting ideas and expectations?

Or how about ancient Egyptians and their hieroglyphics?

It’s not unlike the church ladies thinking that if we could get rid of sex Ed in schools and have abstinence-only curriculum that some how ignorance will make people not want to have sex.

No sex ed = teens not being horny.

No porn = men not wanting anal.

Got it.
 
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