[AsTheStoryGoes]

Come again another day.. (sorry lol)

My husband and I have had issues in the past with porn.. won't go into the details. But he promised to not look at it anymore, not even for me but for himself. He is religious and decided it didn't make him feel good, and felt it did have a negative effect on some marriages.. it did on ours for a while.

Fast forward..I've just had my second kid and feeling pretty insecure..but I also have been bumping up the sex and my willingness to try new things to improve our sex life and make us grow closer. I've been willing to try pretty much anything for my husband and go above and beyond for him with the exception of a threesome (we're both against that). I get a power high from knowing how I effect him and I know he has been enjoying it too. Even been thinking about allowing porn into the marriage, if he's comfortable with it.. Maybe it's a bad idea though? We have had so many problems with it in the past. He's lied to me about it and always done it behind my back. In the beginning I even offered to watch it with him so I felt less cheated on..but he didn't seem too interested in that. After I had our first child, I found some porn on his phone but felt so detached and numb towards him it didn't bother me as much..I was just disappointed he messed up (again). But we're all human and make mistakes, and he was very remorseful. However..after that he never did the things necessary to earn back my trust. Always had private browsing on his phone turned on (when I'd turn it off, he'd go back and turn it back on..) so I could never see the history. I will stop looking when he's willing to prove to me he's not doing anything behind my back. And come on..I'm not stupid. He's hiding something for a reason.. I'd LOVE to be able to trust him again but he just wasn't taking the steps to earn back my trust. Anyway, through all of that he still said he wasn't looking at it and never would. He said he wanted to from time to time, which is understandable. It offers an easy release for him..and I am all for masturbation.

We got into a really bad fight last night because I found some more porn on his phone, only this time he blamed ME for him looking at it. He said he did it to me to get back at me for a fight we had gotten into last weekend. What the hell...really???

What do I do? Any advice is appreciated..ask any questions you need to. I'm sorry if I haven't provided enough information in advance. I'm just tired of this. I am doing all I can do make HIM happy. He deserves to be happy. And he is a good man..totally worth the fight. I'm not an easy person to be with.. I'm trying to be better. I have depression, insecurity issues sometimes, trust issues...etc. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt though. It makes it hard when he keeps acting like he's hiding something. He also said he was acting like he was hiding stuff to get back at me.. but I don't know if I believe him. There is obviously a lot of resentment in our relationship on both sides.

 

[Hope1964]

Your approach does not sound unreasonable. He probably hides it because he feels ashamed of looking at it. That probably stems from the general attitude society has about it, and/or the way his mother reacted when she discovered his stash as a teenager. Also the fact he had prior issues which you don't elaborate on - if he knows he should stop but doesn't, that would do it.

Has he read any of Patrick Carnes books?

That said, are you sure he's just looking at porn and not going farther?

I would sit him down and have a heart to heart with him, and tell him you don't have a problem with the porn but the fact he hides it and lies makes you uncomfortable, so from now on he has to quit with the hiding and lying and deleting browser history. You could also suggest that a keylogger be put on his phone to keep him accountable.

My husband has huge issues with online porn (you can read my story in my sig) and he can't look at it online at all, ever. Mags and DVD's are ok, although right now he's stopped that too because of an issue we had.

 

[crossbar]

Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.

Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.

 

[Hope1964]

Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.

Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.

This really doesn't have much to do with the OP's question.

 

[crossbar]

Nope! But you're right. Not helping but it's more of the same.

The thing is, men are made to feel shameful of appreciating the female form. Like, when you're a kid and you get caught looking at your uncles copy of Playboy. Mom goes ballistic! Dad usually doesn't. Actually, they'll be more understanding and they're like, "Well, at least I know he's interested in girls."


So, I guess all I'm saying is it could be stemming from childhood hang ups that looking at naked pics and movies is wrong. Therefore, he feels shameful.

Just a theory.

 

[MaritimeGuy]

This really doesn't have much to do with the OP's question.

Not to mention guys are gonna watch porn whether women are reading 50 Shades of Grey or not...

 

[Hope1964]

Nope! But you're right. Not helping but it's more of the same.

The thing is, men are made to feel shameful of appreciating the female form. Like, when you're a kid and you get caught looking at your uncles copy of Playboy. Mom goes ballistic! Dad usually doesn't. Actually, they'll be more understanding and they're like, "Well, at least I know he's interested in girls."


So, I guess all I'm saying is it could be stemming from childhood hang ups that looking at naked pics and movies is wrong. Therefore, he feels shameful.

Just a theory.

OK, but why even post that in here? Did you read her post? She doesn't have the attitude that many women do about it.

And FTR I have not read 50SOG and have no intention of doing so. But I do like porn sometimes

 

[east2west]

AsTheStoryGoes,

As you stated yourself the real problem here are your own feelings of insecurity and your own self-esteem, and maybe body image. The strategy you are currently taking is to insist that your husband doesn't look at porn, and he agrees because of own feelings of shame. But he can't keep his end of the agreement and this just leaves you feeling worse about yourself. Even if he was able to keep to his word about the porn would all of your insecurities go away? I doubt it. This is really your problem and depending on him for the solution is not working.

I would suggest that you focus on getting to a place where you can live with the fact that your husband looks at porn? Maybe some counseling or self-help type projects would be in order? That way you can get out of the position of being a victim every time you find something on his computer. If he feels ashamed of his porn use let him deal with that. You work on your own self-esteem.

 

[needyForHelp]

Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.

If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.

I think if you keep pushing like that it will increase the anger and will make the problem worse. TRY TO RESPECT HIS PRIVACY and give him a room and instead of ordering him to stop watching porn try to tell him that how is it bad for your relationship and I believe he is not a kid so he will understand and do something about it.

And I think its OK to see porn once in a while But I am guy so what can I say.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

There is a massive difference between written porn (which I don't read) and visual porn.

There is a lot of info out there on how watching porn changes the brain, and our pleasure receptors. Many men and women are uncomfortable with porn for a reason, and people choosing to view porn in a lot of relationships cause a lot of harm.

You both decided what your boundaries are, and he continues to break them. It doesn't matter what everyone else on earth thinks about porn, it does matter that your husband does not respect you or your marriage enough to keep the boundaries that you both set.

No man needs porn. And just because it is a societal norm, doesn't mean it's healthy.

Porn is like the junk food of sex, but worse because it often makes men think that the real deal (like a nice roast) isn't delicious or worth it. Stats also show that men that view a lot of porn do have less respect for women, are more critical of their partners looks and more demanding (wanting porn like sex) in the bedroom. And women who's husbands view a lot of porn generally have lower self esteem then those that don't.

This is a great film to watch together.

Price of Pleasure Preview | Media Education Foundation

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.

If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.

I think if you keep pushing like that it will increase the anger and will make the problem worse. TRY TO RESPECT HIS PRIVACY and give him a room and instead of ordering him to stop watching porn try to tell him that how is it bad for your relationship and I believe he is not a kid so he will understand and do something about it.

And I think its OK to see porn once in a while But I am guy so what can I say.

Bad advice.

If he doesn't want her to act like his mum, then he should stop acting like a child and behave like a man who's got it together and a man of his word. His behaviour is causing the mistrust.

 

[Hope1964]

Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.

If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.

I think if you keep pushing like that it will increase the anger and will make the problem worse. TRY TO RESPECT HIS PRIVACY and give him a room and instead of ordering him to stop watching porn try to tell him that how is it bad for your relationship and I believe he is not a kid so he will understand and do something about it.

And I think its OK to see porn once in a while But I am guy so what can I say.

Did you read that part where she says he had a prior issue with porn and agreed to stop using it?? And where she said she isn't trying to make him stop?

She wants him to quit HIDING it and LYING about it.

 

[AsTheStoryGoes]

I found a lot of your guys's advice VERY HELPFUL and greatly appreciate the support.

I feel ridiculous for having such a problem with porn and I wish I didn't, but the fact of the matter is I do..and my husband agreed to set boundaries that he has broken more than once. I do agree that there are issues I need to work on within myself, and the same goes for him..

Needyforhelp, if I hadn't gone and looked at his phone, I wouldn't have found proof that he has looked at it again/been looking at it (in order to hurt me) and then what good would that have done? Does it make it okay for my husband to KNOWINGLY continue to hurt me????? How is that going to fix the problem at all???? And unfortunately for me, I have told him my feelings about the problem MULTIPLE times. Know why I have resorted to looking at his browser history? Because he has broken my trust multiple times. Not only that, but he hasn't even tried to prove to me that he can be trusted. He would rather act like nothing is wrong, or nothing has happened in the past, and continue to hide whatever it is he's hiding on his phone, which has obviously made the problem worse. And for the record, prior to having to resort to looking at his search history, I stumbled upon porn on accident on his phone. He left it up on his browser..whoopsy. And before that he was looking at it with me right there in the bed..I had been sleeping.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. I have even considered trying to let it not bother me for the sake of my husband's happiness. But it's never okay to do something that you know is going to hurt your spouse over and over again, and then lie about it.. and in our most recent case, do it in order to hurt/get back at your spouse.

 

[crossbar]

Well, I don't see too many options for you. You either talk it out and have the hard "talk"...or divorce him if it bothers you that much. I mean, little deer already has written your husband off as a man that has no respect for you or the marriage and the wires in his brain are all screwed up because he viewed porn or something like that.....

My opinion is if looking at images on a screen is all he's doing....well, I can think about 20 worse things he COULD be doing.

But, men are very visual creatures. Guys are going to look and there's no escape from it. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, Hooters, the Tilted Kilt, The Victoria Secret catalog... There's an old saying. You can look at the menu, but you better not eat off of it.
OR the next guy you find needs to be COMPLETELY blind.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Well, I don't see too many options for you. You either talk it out and have the hard "talk"...or divorce him if it bothers you that much. I mean, little deer already has written your husband off as a man that has no respect for you or the marriage and the wires in his brain are all screwed up because he viewed porn or something like that.....

My opinion is if looking at images on a screen is all he's doing....well, I can think about 20 worse things he COULD be doing.

But, men are very visual creatures. Guys are going to look and there's no escape from it. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, Hooters, the Tilted Kilt, The Victoria Secret catalog... There's an old saying. You can look at the menu, but you better not eat off of it.
OR the next guy you find needs to be COMPLETELY blind.

How dismissive and narrow minded. There are men out there who do not use porn, many men who even admit to having problems with porn and who have sought help and now do not watch it. There are plenty of avenues for you if you have a porn problem.

Moreover it is obviously a huge problem, it's one of the biggest issues currently bought up in marriage counselling and every single day there are posts on this board by men and women who have issues with porn, so OP, you are not alone.

IMO porn should make women uncomfortable and if men truly look at it for what it is they should be uncomfortable too.

The less porn viewed and more time focused on each other the better. Every time you orgasm you release oxytocin and when you do that with your spouse it increases your chance of staying together as it ensures you bond with one another. Every time you orgasm to porn or the like you are increasing the disconnect.

OP I don't think anything will change if your husband does not think there will be definite consequences. You need to find a good marriage counsellour and if you are not happy find another and look for a service that can help him with his porn problem too.

He should also agree to be an open book, and save his browser history or have a phone with no internet plan or internet available. Anything to prove that he's willing to change.

You also need to work on your sexual connection. Do you turn him down for sex much? It can be very unnattractive to a woman to have to "babysit " her husband. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and do the right thing in your marriage, pull his own weight and do his fair share (but he shouldn't be a doormat).


Good luck.

 

[Broken at 20]

Don't tell porn to go away...then life for so many men would become 10x more miserable...

Do either of you resent each other?
Have you ever demonized him for his drive? Perhaps say he sees you as nothing more than just a F buddy? Or some other way to demonize his drive?
Because I imagine that builds up resentment, and that doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.

 

[johnnycomelately]

It is interesting that the title of your thread and the general thrust of your question is about porn. You are focussing on a symptom and ignoring the cause.

 

[Catherine602]

I personally think that you are fighting an impossible battle. I'd have to say that it is highly unlikely that he will stop viewing porn, no matter what you do. So what do you do.

How would you feel if he were honest and let you know that he cannot stop the porn and this is the man he is?

You can agree to certain conditions like - he will confine his habits to private times, that it does not interfere with his participation with his family, work or the intimate relationship with you or that the children will never be exposed to his porn use.

Would you be able to deal with that? That will put you in the position of accepting that you cannot control him or anyone for that matter. That is a difficult position but is often the case in relationships.

Try to separate what you do in the relationship from his porn habit. There is nothing you can do sexually or otherwise that will stop him from watching porn.

Make sure your sex life is mutually satisfying. If he is not pleasing you in the bedroom as much as you are pleasing him, let him know.

Don't be quiet out of fear he will resort to porn. He will do that anyway. There is a lot of blame shifting in this thread relative to your feelings.

It mirrors your husbands attitude. Porn is not a problem because of women, it is a problem for some women and men.

 

[crossbar]

How dismissive and narrow minded. There are men out there who do not use porn, many men who even admit to having problems with porn and who have sought help and now do not watch it. There are plenty of avenues for you if you have a porn problem.

Okay, there are men out there that don't watch porn, but what I think that your dismissing all together is that regardless if a man watches porn or not, he's going to look at the female form. He's going to look at a pretty girl walking by and impure thoughts and urges about that girl may enter his mind. But, alot of those men don't act out on those urges, they keep them in check. So, basically, you're telling me that you've lost faith in men in general.

So, what I find I see is narrow minded is your belief that this doesn't happen. That your dismissing human nature.

 

[WadeWilson]

Oh for the love of...

Okay first, porn is not the problem, only the symptom... You can only address it if both parties are willing to discuss it openly and honestly, both parties issues with past resentments, intimacy issues, your insecurities, and so forth...

Second, OP, you can not change him, you can only change you, your viewpoints, if you are going to keep checking behind him, make a decisive change in you and see where he follows...

Last, let's not turn this into another porn bashing thread... Because lets be honest, if those stats were true... Most guys are already destroyed by their twenties... And some people do have healthy relationships with pornography.