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Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.
Once it reaches that point, its likely too late....IN MY OPNIION... It would be like talking someone when they aren't eating...And I totally agree that any nagging or threatening is NOT the right way

It may well boil down to you really wanted a Rottweiler and picked a Shih Tzu instead... So now you have to live with the cute little dog, but its never going to be the Rottie you wanted...
 

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Discussion Starter · #163 ·
Once it reaches that point, its likely too late....IN MY OPNIION... It would be like talking someone when they aren't eating...And I totally agree that any nagging or threatening is NOT the right way

It may well boil down to you really wanted a Rottweiler and picked a Shih Tzu instead... So now you have to live with the cute little dog, but its never going to be the Rottie you wanted...
Anything is possible
 

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So alcohol addiction. Drug addiction. Porn addiction.

You haven’t been with him for a long time, right?

Why did you marry this person? This all sounds so awful.

And now he needs a mother to make him do the things that make him better? FFS. This is beyond ridiculous. You have the patience of a saint.

If for some reason I felt like staying with someone like this (and I don’t see why I would), I would tell him to leave. Get his sh1t together. Show me something in a year. In the meantime, I’ll get on with my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #165 ·
So alcohol addiction. Drug addiction. Porn addiction.

You haven’t been with him for a long time, right?

Why did you marry this person? This all sounds so awful.

And now he needs a mother to make him do the things that make him better? FFS. This is beyond ridiculous. You have the patience of a saint.

If for some reason I felt like staying with someone like this (and I don’t see why I would), I would tell him to leave. Get his sh1t together. Show me something in a year. In the meantime, I’ll get on with my life.
It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope.

Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.
 

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I think more men need to ask women about how they feel towards porn use and if they are okay having that kind of open relationship.

Being monogamous is about two people not outside sourcing.

I'm sorry your going through this and I think your handling it great, I do suggest though that you explain to your step son with both of you on the same page that he should speak about his sexuality with people he is in relationships with especially before marriage to ensure both him and his partner respect each others choices, compromise, or decide to remove porn or other things outside the relationship going forward, and that he does not have to watch porn, your simply trying to educate him about it.

My husband has had those issues and has progressed a lot, your way and approach should help him even more so. I had a lot of resent for my husband in the past then learned to be more mature in my reactions and approach.

I hope things progress for both of you, he does need to find a way to go to therapy and possibly take medicine while going to therapy for trauma that may be contributing to him not dealing with his emotions in a healthy manner.

The medicine is simply to help him think more clearly so he can work on himself and build healthy habits meanwhile or when he gets off he will just continue on old habits.

I wish you all the very best. ❤
 

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It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope.

Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.
This is ridiculous. You are married to a child (the way he is acting right now).

I do not see a reason to stay married to him.
 

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Yesterday, he told me that I needed to start getting on him more about things. I told him that I'm not his mother
Maybe he needs a bit of encouragement… 😊I totally get it, because my wife was the same. But addicts are not “normal” people. Disclosure: I have been an addict (alcohol) for a couple of years in my life. I got over it, because I realised it wasn’t sustainable. I did not want to die. My wife didn’t do anything about it. She said it was up to me. You know? I really needed a kick in the butt and I never got it.
 

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I may have missed it, but was your H's porn use reducing the sex between you two?
It must've been, because for years he's come to me for sex sporadically and rejected me often. Since me finding out about the porn and him promising to quit, he comes to me regularly and doesn't reject me anymore. Either the porn was hurting his sex drive and him quitting has increased his drive, or he's just putting a lot more effort into our relationship. He's also become more affectionate with me and seems happier. I think the guilt of hiding the porn from me was hard on him.
 

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It must've been, because for years he's come to me for sex sporadically and rejected me often. Since me finding out about the porn and him promising to quit, he comes to me regularly and doesn't reject me anymore. Either the porn was hurting his sex drive and him quitting has increased his drive, or he's just putting a lot more effort into our relationship. He's also become more affectionate with me and seems happier. I think the guilt of hiding the porn from me was hard on him.
The guilt and realization he was turning you down to often (at all is too often!) hopefully sunk in. Glad things are better.
 

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Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.
Come hard and straight up.

Nagging is what happens when you make repeated asks or demands.

I found what is successful is more like, “or else”.

“You need to drop everything and go to rehab, or else…” and then the person needs to believe you’ll execute on the consequences portion of the statement.

By the way, there is always a reason to keep drinking or using drugs. There’s always an excuse. The “oh I need to just get past this thing” and then there’s another thing that pops up right before you have the chance to quit.

The correct way to deal with a problem is check yourself into treatment.

So I would steel your resolve and figure out what your “or else“ looks like and when you want to drop it and do it just once.
 

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It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope.

Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.
I think the best thing for him would be if you just took care of yourself and that includes a life without him in it.

You should allow yourself to leave and find a grown man to mate with. It's guaranteed to be a lot more satisfying than trying to get it on with a juvenile Jabba The Hut.
 

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Discussion Starter · #175 ·
I think the best thing for him would be if you just took care of yourself and that includes a life without him in it.

You should allow yourself to leave and find a grown man to mate with. It's guaranteed to be a lot more satisfying than trying to get it on with a juvenile Jabba The Hut.
That's a negatory. He is trying. It would be different if he weren't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #176 ·
Come hard and straight up.

Nagging is what happens when you make repeated asks or demands.

I found what is successful is more like, “or else”.

“You need to drop everything and go to rehab, or else…” and then the person needs to believe you’ll execute on the consequences portion of the statement.

By the way, there is always a reason to keep drinking or using drugs. There’s always an excuse. The “oh I need to just get past this thing” and then there’s another thing that pops up right before you have the chance to quit.

The correct way to deal with a problem is check yourself into treatment.

So I would steel your resolve and figure out what your “or else“ looks like and when you want to drop it and do it just once.
We talked about it last night. I told him flat out, that I want the drinking to stop if he can't do it in a healthy manor. He stated that he knows that its bad and he means it about going to detox after work slows down. I proceeded to tell him that it isn't fair to any of us to have to deal with it and then asked him what he wants of me. That I will cry and ball my eyes out on my knees and beg him until I'm finally fed up and just don't give a damn anymore. He made his promise.
 

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We talked about it last night. I told him flat out, that I want the drinking to stop if he can't do it in a healthy manor. He stated that he knows that its bad and he means it about going to detox after work slows down. I proceeded to tell him that it isn't fair to any of us to have to deal with it and then asked him what he wants of me. That I will cry and ball my eyes out on my knees and beg him until I'm finally fed up and just don't give a damn anymore. He made his promise.
Has he joined AA? If not why not?
 

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Discussion Starter · #178 ·
Has he joined AA? If not why not?
Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.
 

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Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.
Ok. You have more experience with AA than me. I had a coworker sober more than 20 years and counting who swore by it.
 
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