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I`m a married man and on occasions I sometimes watch porn and my wife is OK with that as should be the OP.
I am not a porn addict, in-fact seen one, seen then all, but nothing wrong with an occasional viewing.
I also like a beer at times but that doesn`t make me an alcoholic.
None of this means I don`t love my wife.
The OP needs to chill out and relax somewhat.
 

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Discussion Starter · #142 ·
I`m a married man and on occasions I sometimes watch porn and my wife is OK with that as should be the OP.
I am not a porn addict, in-fact seen one, seen then all, but nothing wrong with an occasional viewing.
I also like a beer at times but that doesn`t make me an alcoholic.
None of this means I don`t love my wife.
The OP needs to chill out and relax somewhat.
Good for you on occasionally having a beer and sometimes watching porn. That is not the case with my husband. My husband is an alcoholic and he knows this. He does not just have 1 or 2 or 4. He will easilly kill a case in a night. 4 hours, 12 beers. If I am wrong in this, then I will gladly step back and let him have his beer and his porn.
 

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He does. Sometimes it takes forever and we get tired so then we save it until morning but I'm ok with that because I enjoy my time with him. I've never rebuked his attempts because he has never really attempted. At one point in time when I asked him why he never starts it, he says that he was taught to respect women and its not all about sex. I feel like I need to just rewire everything that his mother has ever taught him.
This sounds like an excuse. A deflection.
 

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Discussion Starter · #146 ·
Before you were talking about not being his mother and having your boundaries. I get this, but you are not enforcing your boundaries, so you are co-dependent in a way. That's why he is stuck in his behaviour and, basically, he does what he likes. Porn is just one hing. Then he has his alcohol.
I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.
 

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I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.
I hope so...
 

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I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.
Does he really need to check into a detox center or just plan out different uses of his time, do it himself. That is a viable option. And will eliminate a stigma of requiring detox center because he can't do it himself.

Eta; some people use that detox center as a crutch then later blame relapse on the center.

Better to do himself, with an IC to support him.
 

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I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.
The detox center was for alchohol, right? I got to thinking hey, strange as it seems he might be thinking detox center for porn, which would be a mistake imho.
 

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Because in reality, he's just lazy?
Look, all I can give is my opinion.

You ever see Christmas movies where Santa Claus reaches into his magic bag and can keep pulling out toys even though it’s impossible that so many toys fit into that bag? Yet he keeps reaching in and more toys come out.


That’s what I see when I look at low sex drive people. They have a Santa sack but instead of toys, it’s full of excuses. It is never ending. A low drive sex partner will think of anything and do anything to NOT have sex. Low drive people are the worst fuddy duddies on this planet. It is a wonder why they don’t find each other so that they can NOT have sex all day. It makes no sense why they waste the time of high drive people.

I mean, you could call it laziness, but if low drive people would put in half the effort into having sex as what they do NOT having sex, the world would be a better place.

I just think it is selfishness plain and simple.
 

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Discussion Starter · #153 ·
Does he really need to check into a detox center or just plan out different uses of his time, do it himself. That is a viable option. And will eliminate a stigma of requiring detox center because he can't do it himself.

Eta; some people use that detox center as a crutch then later blame relapse on the center.

Better to do himself, with an IC to support him.
Yes. It's not safe to quit drinking cold turkey. Especially with the amount of alcohol that he drinks. Withdrawal from alcohol causes what they call delerium tremens. They aren't safe if they aren't monitored by a doctor. He tries. There are days of where he will try to get by on just a few beers and then the nights and next morning are horrible for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #154 ·
Has he promised and not maintained his promise before?
He has not. It was never this bad. He would drink maybe 4 or 5 a night. Now we are at 12. More on the weekends. He knows that he needs help. He just doesn't want to screw over his job. The world is short staffed and he's the field manager. Work will slow down as soon as it starts getting cold outside. He's working as much as he can so that we can bank as much as we can so that I can make sure that everything bill wise is covered while he's gone. His plan is to do a 2 week detox and then 90 day treatment center. He says he wants to quit smoking too. And see a therapist and get all of that crap figured out and out of the way. And then here comes the fear. What is the mother of his child going to think about this? I think that's his biggest fear.
 

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Discussion Starter · #155 ·
Look, all I can give is my opinion.

You ever see Christmas movies where Santa Claus reaches into his magic bag and can keep pulling out toys even though it’s impossible that so many toys fit into that bag? Yet he keeps reaching in and more toys come out.


That’s what I see when I look at low sex drive people. They have a Santa sack but instead of toys, it’s full of excuses. It is never ending. A low drive sex partner will think of anything and do anything to NOT have sex. Low drive people are the worst fuddy duddies on this planet. It is a wonder why they don’t find each other so that they can NOT have sex all day. It makes no sense why they waste the time of high drive people.

I mean, you could call it laziness, but if low drive people would put in half the effort into having sex as what they do NOT having sex, the world would be a better place.

I just think it is selfishness plain and simple.
If he has a low sex drive, then why watch porn 3 times a week? I mean, I really don't even know if it is that much - I've never really asked.

For what its worth - we are doing good this week. He came to me twice so far instead of going to the porn. And that's after staying up all night because he's having a hard time getting to sleep.
 

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Yes. It's not safe to quit drinking cold turkey. Especially with the amount of alcohol that he drinks. Withdrawal from alcohol causes what they call delerium tremens. They aren't safe if they aren't monitored by a doctor. He tries. There are days of where he will try to get by on just a few beers and then the nights and next morning are horrible for him.
Whichever is best for him, agreed.

Another option is do it under the care of his primary dr, and an IC, and it is still possible to do on his own. But only you know what's best here.

I can say I've seen men and women successfully quit without checking in to a center.

Good luck either way!
 

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Discussion Starter · #157 ·
Whichever is best for him, agreed.

Another option is do it under the care of his primary dr, and an IC, and it is still possible to do on his own. But only you know what's best here.

I can say I've seen men and women successfully quit without checking in to a center.

Good luck either way!
He's going to schedule an appointment with a primary care doctor to get blood work and what not done because he thinks that something is wrong, other than the drinking. He's just waiting for work to slow down. Which should be at the end of the month. Right now they have him everywhere. Yesterday, he drove to a town that was 2 hours away, then they sent him 2 hours out even further to then have him go back to spot a because there was another issue.
 

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I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.
Now you`ve added drug addiction to the mix.
You need to insist that your husband gets his drink problem sorted and any other addictions he has.
If he cannot get himself sorted and making you into a long and suffering wife, then you have to decide your way forward, do I stay or endure this?
Only you can decide what action to take, which will be in your best interests.
 

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Discussion Starter · #159 ·
Now you`ve added drug addiction to the mix.
You need to insist that your husband gets his drink problem sorted and any other addictions he has.
If he cannot get himself sorted and making you into a long and suffering wife, then you have to decide your way forward, do I stay or endure this?
Only you can decide what action to take, which will be in your best interests.
Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.
 

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Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.
I think the occasional nag about his addictions would be ok... ;)
 
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