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Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.
THIS explains ALOT about your long-suffering acceptance of your husband's addictions and mistreatment of you. Have you ever been to AlAnon or in any individual counseling for yourself?

I also wonder what kind of boundaries you set up with your husband about a timeline for him to take action? You talked about crying and feeling bad until you give up, but what specifically does that mean to you, and did you TELL HIM what consequences there would be if he continued to violate your boundaries? It's NOT "controlling" to expect a partner who you love and is supposed to love you to not hurt you or take advantage of you, and to KEEP their promises.

And for the record, YES, AA absolutely DOES work very well for the people who are seriously committed to overcoming their addictions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #182 ·
THIS explains ALOT about your long-suffering acceptance of your husband's addictions and mistreatment of you. Have you ever been to AlAnon or in any individual counseling for yourself?

I also wonder what kind of boundaries you set up with your husband about a timeline for him to take action? You talked about crying and feeling bad until you give up, but what specifically does that mean to you, and did you TELL HIM what consequences there would be if he continued to violate your boundaries? It's NOT "controlling" to expect a partner who you love and is supposed to love you to not hurt you or take advantage of you, and to KEEP their promises.

And for the record, YES, AA absolutely DOES work very well for the people who are seriously committed to overcoming their addictions.
The timeline is the first of the year. He doesn't want to screw Christmas up for the kid and he doesn't want to screw up our anniversary. He already spoke to his boss about this - that at the beginning of the year, he's going to need some time off.

My husband knows what my boundaries are. No drugs hard drugs. At all. Whatsoever. EVER. I don't care if he drinks if he would just get a grip on it. There's no need to drink that much. Moderation is fine and that's what he has to learn how to do and he knows this. He's trying to be a better husband. He has stepped back from his friends a lot. He hasn't been going out to the bars with them as much.

I don't have time for AlAnon. And I feel better when I keep my butt at the gym. I focus more on myself and less on him. I will get this figured out. I'm stronger than what I'm putting out there. He's getting me to that point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #185 ·
He isn't as far as your posts indicate.

You write him as petulant, belligerent and clueless.
He is trying. And I have said that in quite a few of my posts. He's not all bad. We just have our moments which I'm sure that every relationship has their moments. Mine just involve him drinking. If he didn't drink, would you look at it differently? He said to give him until the first of the year and I will do it. If he doesn't hold true to his word, then we will discuss it then. In the meantime tho, he knows that there is no reason to act the way that he has. I told him that I'm going to just leave him alone if he continues to watch porn and he said that he doesn't want that, at all, and that he's going to do better because he values me more than anything. Improvement doesn't happen over night.
 

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Yes, he woke me up for sex. The lights were off, so he would have no way of knowing. He's been trying for the past 2 days to be more intimate, emotionally.

Thank you. This is why I am not turning to divorce. What kind of wife would I be, to just walk out on him. There's a lot going on and I would rather put forth all effort and fail before just leaving him because I'm not getting my way.
You can't fix his problems. This sounds codependent.

He is not taking responsibility for himself. He has deserted you. Leaving him would be an acceptable response to his horrible behavior.

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He is trying. And I have said that in quite a few of my posts. He's not all bad. We just have our moments which I'm sure that every relationship has their moments. Mine just involve him drinking. If he didn't drink, would you look at it differently? He said to give him until the first of the year and I will do it. If he doesn't hold true to his word, then we will discuss it then. In the meantime tho, he knows that there is no reason to act the way that he has. I told him that I'm going to just leave him alone if he continues to watch porn and he said that he doesn't want that, at all, and that he's going to do better because he values me more than anything. Improvement doesn't happen over night.
I dunno....

When I "value something more than anything" I would drop a bad habit like drinking in heartbeat....You aren't asking anything unreasonable...Heck, even if he didn't actually quit, but signed up for AA or did something proactive to show you that he's serious, that would be a plus, but just saying to "give me til the end of the year" sounds like hes just kicking the can down the road...

You are right, some improvements don't happen overnight, but what is he doing to show you that he means it?? Saying "give me some time" means nothing, really...
 

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Discussion Starter · #189 ·
I dunno....

When I "value something more than anything" I would drop a bad habit like drinking in heartbeat....You aren't asking anything unreasonable...Heck, even if he didn't actually quit, but signed up for AA or did something proactive to show you that he's serious, that would be a plus, but just saying to "give me til the end of the year" sounds like hes just kicking the can down the road...

You are right, some improvements don't happen overnight, but what is he doing to show you that he means it?? Saying "give me some time" means nothing, really...
You aren't wrong. That's why I told him last night - the extra isn't needed. That he didn't need to kill a whole 12 pack. I would settle with 3 or 4 a night and not ***** about it but to be drunk every single night. I also told him that I would like to get to know the sober man that God intends for him to be and I think that hit him. And then I told him that he's no worse than his friend that is an alcoholic and treats his wife and kids like they belong at the bottom of a dumpster. I know how to get through to him, it's just finding the right time to do so. And yesterday was the right time to do so. It also helps that he is seeing where his friends are failing in their relationship so it's starting to make him feel guilty with his. We've been doing a lot of talking and I am seeing improvements in areas. The first area - he hasn't been to a bar with the guys in probably a month. We will get there. I know this. Again, I do appreciate all of your advice, even if I snap back and say no.
 

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The sad thing is the amount of alcohol he has a night he can't just stop drinking. If he did it could kill him. Also to carry on drinking will definitely kill him in the end. A friend's mum died from alcoholism and she suffered, as every organ in her body started shutting down. It was a slow and painful death. Her body had swollen twice her size by the time she had passed. When her house was cleared after her death, hundreds of empty whisky, vodka, cider bottles were found. So so sad. Get your husband into detox now/asap and he will have a chance of a long life with you and his children. If he doesn't get that help sadly the alcohol will take him away from you all. That's the reality. He will need your support too and you will have to be strong. If he can get inpatient for the 1st few months that will help him through the worst. Wishing you both the best

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The Tim Ferriss Show - #600: Jason Portnoy of PayPal, Palantir... (goloudnow.com)

See link above- it's A VERY enlightening and considerate interview. I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" after listening and highly recommend. Jason Portnoy also wrote a book:
Silicon Valley Porn Star: A Memoir of Redemption and Rediscovering the Self
I believe your husband should listen to this with you. You can't be his therapist but if he has some bravery in him, he will get help. This could be a
liaison for that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #192 ·
The sad thing is the amount of alcohol he has a night he can't just stop drinking. If he did it could kill him. Also to carry on drinking will definitely kill him in the end. A friend's mum died from alcoholism and she suffered, as every organ in her body started shutting down. It was a slow and painful death. Her body had swollen twice her size by the time she had passed. When her house was cleared after her death, hundreds of empty whisky, vodka, cider bottles were found. So so sad. Get your husband into detox now/asap and he will have a chance of a long life with you and his children. If he doesn't get that help sadly the alcohol will take him away from you all. That's the reality. He will need your support too and you will have to be strong. If he can get inpatient for the 1st few months that will help him through the worst. Wishing you both the best

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I know. My father died from liver failure. Hence, me treading lightly on him quitting. I'm far too familiar with this. But - the convo that I had with him last night struck him. He has probably only had 5 or 6 drinks today through out the whole day. He is trying and that's what counts. Mornings are the hardest for him. Please pray for us!
 

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Discussion Starter · #193 ·
The Tim Ferriss Show - #600: Jason Portnoy of PayPal, Palantir... (goloudnow.com)

See link above- it's A VERY enlightening and considerate interview. I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" after listening and highly recommend. Jason Portnoy also wrote a book:
Silicon Valley Porn Star: A Memoir of Redemption and Rediscovering the Self
I believe your husband should listen to this with you. You can't be his therapist but if he has some bravery in him, he will get help. This could be a
liaison for that.
I will look in to this tomorrow. Thanks!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #194 ·
Well, I went home yesterday and he was drinking a Mountain Dew when I got there. I only remember seeing him drink maybe 4 beers, total. He didn't stop for another 12 pack when he got home from work. He decided to finish what was left in the fridge which was I have no idea to be honest with you but he made mention of it last night while we were half way in to our movie. He asked me to count what was in the fridge. 4. There were 4 in the fridge. I did not say anything past that. He says good, that he had one earlier that morning, one when he got home from work and at this point, he was probably only on his third. He sat there and sipped on the drink that he had in his hand and made it known that he heard me loud and clear from Sunday. And then by the time that we were done watching the movie (it was a sad movie), he was balling his eyes out, talking about how much he missed his father (he was 11 when his father passed). Normally, he would get drunk to avoid his feelings. Instead, he just sat there and cried and then we went to bed. This is why I am still here. Because he works at fixing the issues with me. Than you, everybody. For the advice. Please, keep us in your prayers, send positive thoughts, everything good. I want him to be here for a long time, not a good time.
 

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I know. My father died from liver failure. Hence, me treading lightly on him quitting. I'm far too familiar with this. But - the convo that I had with him last night struck him. He has probably only had 5 or 6 drinks today through out the whole day. He is trying and that's what counts. Mornings are the hardest for him. Please pray for us!
I really hope he can do this and he's lucky to have you for support. Baby steps is the safest way. Keeping everything crossed for you both.

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Discussion Starter · #196 ·
I really hope he can do this and he's lucky to have you for support. Baby steps is the safest way. Keeping everything crossed for you both.

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Well, I did it. I finally did it. After I felt backed in to a corner because of how cranky he was - I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't stop drinking, I was going to leave and that this was ********
 

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Well, I did it. I finally did it. After I felt backed in to a corner because of how cranky he was - I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't stop drinking, I was going to leave and that this was ****
He has lots of work to do. You have to think of yourself and not let him drag you down with him. That's great you stood up for yourself. Self care is important for you, so do things you enjoy. Only he can fix himself.

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Discussion Starter · #198 ·
He has lots of work to do. You have to think of yourself and not let him drag you down with him. That's great you stood up for yourself. Self care is important for you, so do things you enjoy. Only he can fix himself.

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It just makes me sad and breaks my heart
 

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Loving someone with addiction issues is a hard road to walk and you are going to need support yourself so that you can support him whether you stay or go. If you don't want to go to alanon you could try a site called Love over addiction (not sure what the rules are for recommending sites🙄). It supports partners of people with addictions. You need to take good care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
 
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