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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?

Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.
 

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Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?

Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.
every person is different BUT I don't think it is a question of choose porn over your wife, and he was more than likely told as a young catholic boy that he will go to hell for looking at it,
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Your thread title says porn is getting in the way of sex but your post doesn't say it's doing that. Only that you found some porn in his search history.
I never know what to title these things and somewhat had to cut the post short due to being at work - but he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.

His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy.

He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
every person is different BUT I don't think it is a question of choose porn over your wife, and he was more than likely told as a young catholic boy that he will go to hell for looking at it,
This is something that we are both learning. He has a teenage son and we try to be open and honest with him about it. It's somewhat helpful that he gets open and honest answers from both father and step mother. Father tells him that it's ok, as long as it doesn't become a habit and he does it in privacy. As he gets older, I tell him that it's ok but make sure that you don't let it get in the way of your wife as you get older and to be careful. It's not healthy to have a lustful heart. He is growing to be an adult and we don't want to shun him from it because we try to communicate. He gets convicted about things like his father does, so I let God handle most. He's a very smart kid.

This catholic faith I am newly learning - I was raised Baptist so it's quite interesting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
If your husband really wanted to have sex with you then he would. Instead he finds “reasons” why he isn’t. That’s unlikely to change so you’ll have to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not.
Well, he woke me up this morning for sex so I don't necessarily think its that he doesn't entirely want to.
 

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Well, he woke me up this morning for sex so I don't necessarily think its that he doesn't entirely want to.
That very likely happened because of the talk yesterday. Maybe it will continue but his pattern in the past has been that it won’t. And if it continues the way it has always been then you have a decision to make.
 

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I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day?

Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.
 

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I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day?

Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.
This was my life a lot. Although, actually my husband had access to all the sex he wanted, at whatever cost to me or our relationship. I was never enough, and the porn made him want things I wasn’t comfortable with.

So I agree with Lat, this is not okay because of the way it makes you feel. 🤷🏼‍♀️ however; that doesn’t stop all men or women and there are plenty of posters here that will say pornography isn’t an issue.

For some it is.

and lastly, for those who said you stated nothing about it affecting your sex life. It can simply affect you mentally and make YOU NOT want to be intimate with your husband vs the other way around. I did read however your update stating how it affects you, so..
 

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But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.
Are you saying that he tried to make love you but you were about to burst into tears??

If my wife was crying or about to cry when I was trying to be intimate with her, I would see this as critical mass level crisis and would give her the option of us seeing a marital counselor/sex therapist or divorce attorney.

If things are at this level of distress, then professional intervention is likely warranted.
 

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..... I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?

Men - why do you choose porn over your wife
that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.
.....he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.

His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy.

He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.
This is something that we are both learning. He has a teenage son and we try to be open and honest with him about it. It's somewhat helpful that he gets open and honest answers from both father and step mother. Father tells him that it's ok, as long as it doesn't become a habit and he does it in privacy. As he gets older, I tell him that it's ok but make sure that you don't let it get in the way of your wife as you get older and to be careful. It's not healthy to have a lustful heart. He is growing to be an adult and we don't want to shun him from it because we try to communicate. He gets convicted about things like his father does, so I let God handle most. He's a very smart kid.

This catholic faith I am newly learning - I was raised Baptist so it's quite interesting.
A lot to cover. First, porn should not interfere with a healthy sex life among partners. However, very few people have matching libido's. That means that one will always need/desire more sex than the other. When that happens either the low libido partner needs to stretch themself, or some form of self-love needs to be brought into the relationship.

I realize that some would say the high libido partner should exercise abstinence. In fact, prior to marriage, this is what my wife was taught by nuns in the Catholic convent schools she attended. Before we married she told me that after marriage everything was different and that anything that brought joy to the marriage bed and promoted a full, frequent, healthy sex life was OK.

At the point where the libidos don't match, the question becomes one of which is better for the relationship: a sex toy, porn, sexual fantasies? I would strongly argue that involving a third person to provide sexual release is not the answer. Some would say that abstinence is the answer for the high libido person. I don't think that is a good long term answer for a monogamous long term relationship.

Of the self-love choices, I would say that the use of a sex toy, either while one partner is holding the other or holding the toy would be best for the relationship (as it allows for post orgasmic bonding), if their spouse can't do more. However, that requires the low libido spouse to be pretty brave and willing to discuss difficult topics and the high libido partner to allow masturbation in front of their spouse because they have not shame in partner masturbation, again not common.

As to porn or sexual fantasies, that is a tough question. I think it depends on the fantasies and the porn. There is a lot of sexually abusive and degrading porn. There is also porn that portrays loving relationships. In advising your teenage son (step-son) make sure you tell him that what is depicted on some forms of degrading porn (choking, facials, BDSM, multiple partners, mouth-f-ing until she gags, extreme youth, etc.) are not how sex in loving relationships should occur and most sexual "techniques" he learns from porn are likely a mistake in bonding with a woman he cares about. The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage gave us copies of Sinclair Institute Better Sex videos to watch, which were actually instructional on different sexual positions and concepts. We watched them and then later talked about them in our Sex Therapy sessions. You might suggest your step-son watch something like the Sinclair Institute videos or a video on how to give a sensual/sexual romantic massage. You might even suggest that to your husband at the same time, since it might be better porn for each of them.

As to masturbation fantasies, I would caution against fantasies about sex with a real woman friend (who the high libido partner knows), as that is pretty darn close to an emotional affair. Other solo self-love fantasies can also be degrading and create a dysfunctional relationship. Again, in Sex Therapy, I learned the value of visualization. Visualizing something in your mind can be a form of self-hypnosis that brainwashes or changes you future. So self-love fantasies can be either helpful or destructive to a long term relationship. In Sex Therapy, we were taught we to discuss and remember the absolutely best, most arousing sexual experiences our lives and try to replicate them every now and then with our partner. This would mean that our souse became our absolutely best sex partner. Fantasies about sex with your partner should not be a bad thing, unless it gets in the way of denying your partner the real sex they need.

Another set of valuable skills my wife and I were taught by our Sex Therapist was Sensate Focus exercises. They typically start as taking a break from sex and focusing first on giving or receiving sensual touch/massage. Later after you have learned to separate and enjoy the giving to your partner of pleasure in the form of sensual touch from the receiving of sensual touch, you move on to incorporate sexual touch and then orgasm and then sexual intercourse. This was one of the most valuable techniques for differences in libido. If the low libido partner can actually learn the joy of pleasuring their partner with their body either in a sensual and/or sexual way that can help with a libido mismatch. Sex can be about the joy of being touched by a loving partner, without an urgent need to reciprocate. It can be about taking turns over the course of a week, month, life time.

So from my stand point as the high libido partner to a low libido wife of 51+ years, porn does help at times. It is not that I am choosing porn over some form of sex with my wife. It is that my wife is not comfortable with holding me or helping me with solo sex and abstinence is something that is too difficult for me. At times she also does not have enough energy to devote to giving me a sensual massage.

The mismatch between my libido and her libido almost caused us to divorce. We both really did not want to divorce. With the help of a nationally recognized Sex Therapist, we were able to negotiate a sexual frequency which was far less than I needed to be truly happy and stretched my wife to the limits of her libido. Sometimes because of illness, stress, time conflicts, my wife is not able to keep her promise in regards to a compromise we negotiated. When that happens, I am not choosing porn over my wife. If my wife were available/willing in any of a multitude of ways, I would choose her in a heart beat.

Your husband's comments about your weight, about younger women, etc. are despicable. You have every right to be angry with him about that. However, the two of you staying angry over such things are not good for your marriage. Those are other issues you will need to work out.

I think you and your H should discuss things to figure out who has the higher libido. Once you understand each others libido, then the two of you can find out if he is choosing porn over you to satisfy his libido or if he is denying your libido to indulge his porn habit. From part of your post it sounds like his porn habit is getting in the way of your libido being satisfied. That is a mistake on his part and damaging to the marriage. That is something that the two of you should discuss and try to remedy. it will take courage and candor. If it is too difficult, I suggest a Sex Therapist help you.

In short, I think that self-love can have a role in matching two mismatched libidos in a healthy marriage and that self-love can include a degree of porn as long as it does not interfere with the sexual love that the other partner needs or imprint destructive images in one's mind.

Perhaps you are the one that needs to work on self-love to satisfy your libido and invite your husband to be a part of your higher libido love life? Something to think and talk about, as well as getting him to drop those disrespectful comments.

Good luck.
 

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I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day?

Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.
He might be of French heritage. Seriously, bathing frequency is often a cultural thing. It should be something a couple should be able to negotiate, but it takes courage to bring up the topic.

The following is a teaser from a 1998 study on bathing habits. The frequency and soap buying habits of different countries are amazing. French don't bath, but Brittish are smelly---most of story behind a paywall
 

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Porn makes me want sex - it's no substitute for sex. Watching porn makes me want my wife more. I watch old ones, young ones, fat ones, thin ones lol. Doesn't make me appreciate my wife any less or wish she was any different. She doesn't care that I watch porn.
 

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I never know what to title these things and somewhat had to cut the post short due to being at work - but he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.

His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy.

He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.
I completely understand how you feel. After finding out about my husband's porn habit, I felt the same way. Men don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a woman's self-esteem to find out their husband prefers to look at other women naked. And then if he prefers taking care of his own needs to being intimate with his wife, that's another blow.

I posted on here earlier this year about the same thing. My husband spent most of our over 20-year marriage neglecting my needs, making me wait weeks (or longer) between sex. But when we had sex, it was always great. Once I learned about the porn, it made me reevaluate my previous determination that he must be low drive. Now I think he was just low drive with me, but high, or at least average, drive with his hand.

I had MANY conversations with him after finding out about the porn. I asked questions to understand his behavior and told him how it made me feel. I also gave him the choice of me or porn. He chose me. I can't be certain he isn't still indulging in this sickening habit, but his behavior with me has certainly changed. He is more affectionate and initiates sex more often, so we're much happier and closer.

However the feelings you've described haven't gone away. When I first found out, I also struggled not to cry during sex. Even if I wasn't on the verge of tears, I felt detached. It was just sex for me, instead of the love-making with my life partner that it used to be. Thankfully, over the months, that has changed and I'm back to being able to enjoy being intimate with my husband. But I still don't feel sexy. My husband told me he only saw me as being average in attractiveness (a 5 or a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10). And a lot of his browser history showed porn titles about big breasts. These two bits of knowledge, combined with the knowledge that he chose his hand and videos of other women over me, have left me permanently feeling undesired. No matter what compliment my husband says now, no matter how loving or turned on he acts, I know the truth.

I'm sorry you're in the same boat.
 

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It’s definitely unhealthy if it replaces the sex he is supposed to be having with his wife. As a man, he is to exercise and keep his testosterone levels up so that he feels the need to be “all over you,” which turns into a healthy sex life.
 

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it is about time for women to speak out on this ,
as for years the so called experts are telling us porn is good bla bla ,
it sounds at times like they are as expert as the one telling women they live 10 years longer and loose 10 kg weight if they give a bj 4 times a week ,

and it is good that women are here reclaiming their sex life as so many say women never want it and are only doing it if the husband is bringing in the money and cutting the grass ,
 

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His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn.
In an earlier thread you wrote about his many addictions, to drugs, alcohol. So now he is addicted to porn. And justifying it anyway he can. He wants to use porn and will continue.

Sorry to say, but from your previous threads, you have a real mess. He has an addictive personality. How does that get fixed? A "recovered" hard drug addict, now alcoholic who watches porn all of the time instead of romancing his wife, and doesn't take showers. IMO you can do much better.
 

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it is about time for women to speak out on this ,
as for years the so called experts are telling us porn is good bla bla ,
it sounds at times like they are as expert as the one telling women they live 10 years longer and loose 10 kg weight if they give a bj 4 times a week ,

and it is good that women are here reclaiming their sex life as so many say women never want it and are only doing it if the husband is bringing in the money and cutting the grass ,
Some of us have been speaking out about it for many years despite the majority of men claiming its fine/normal/beneficial.
 
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