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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have been watching porn flix since I was 19 (18 years) pretty regularly when I am in relationships and between relationships. I probably watch porn 2-3 times a week to get off, sometimes a little more if I'm not having sex.

My question has to do with disclosure. I've never told a single gf or even my current wife that I watch it. Never once. In fact I've always managed to keep it secret with a few close calls of almost getting caught either "in the act" or with my stash (before streaming days and just having VHS DVDs). I always prefer sex over porn, so I don't think I have a problem, but I have HD and like sex regularly. If I can't get sex, i turn to porn.

Is it normal to hide it? Perhaps it is the shame aspect or my guilt watching/seeing other women naked Two of my best friends also hide porn from their wives, so that makes me feel less guilty/weird. Then again, I read about couples who watch it together and/or dont mind one partner watching/getting off alone.
How many of you hide it? Did any of you once hide it the later reveal it to your partner?

One more point, It is very difficult, even stressful, to schedule secretive porn watching times when living together. I feel like I'm 14 still and hiding a Playboy under my mattress! Sometimes I just want to say "honey, I know we aren't making love tonight, so don't mind me while I wank to this streaming site. " :surprise:
 

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I personally think it is best to be able to share your entire sexual self with your partner, and that means unashamedly disclosing your masturbation habits (whether you are male or female, whether you use toys, porn, whatever). The reason I think it is best, is because if you are hiding a part of your sexuality, you are setting yourself and your spouse up for something one or the other might be hurt about, and also because there may be things you could share about your solo activities that your spouse may enjoy knowing about you or participating in.

However, I also understand hiding it and keeping your solo activities to yourself in some cases. It is an individual thing and depends on your circumstances.

Being unshamed about who you are and what you enjoy is usually best, though. Not that you must share every detail, but at least being able to be yourself and express your sexuality with authenticity is best in a relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
One more thing to add-- when I first met my wife we were having sex almost every day for the first two months. During that time I had no desire to watch porn. When I only have sex 1-2 times I week, like now, I go crazy and need to get off. I am HD for sure but my wife isnt as into it (not LD but not Hd either).
I am pointing this out because I really do believe I am not addicted to porn.... but maybe I am???
 

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I personally think it is best to be able to share your entire sexual self with your partner, and that means unashamedly disclosing your masturbation habits (whether you are male or female, whether you use toys, porn, whatever). The reason I think it is best, is because if you are hiding a part of your sexuality, you are setting yourself and your spouse up for something one or the other might be hurt about, and also because there may be things you could share about your solo activities that your spouse may enjoy knowing about you or participating in.

However, I also understand hiding it and keeping your solo activities to yourself in some cases. It is an individual thing and depends on your circumstances.

Being unshamed about who you are and what you enjoy is usually best, though. Not that you must share every detail, but at least being able to be yourself and express your sexuality with authenticity is best in a relationship.
Totally agree. I hid my masturbation from my wife for years. I honestly don't know why either, other than learned shame. One day, I just stopped giving a crap. Been totally chill about it ever since. My wife is still a little weirded out about it, but meh, oh well.
 

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I hide it when I'm doing it but she knows I do watch some. She's fine with it but has no interest in seeing any herself.

In my last relationship I hid it. She had strong oppressive views of pornography and even masturbation and she'd go judgmental on me about it, so it made it easier to not tell her and sneak around with it. Never going to end up in that type of BS again.
 

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I dont think it is something you should hide but you should be discreet about it. It's not that big of a deal in that you are not cheating. But it is in the fact that you feel the need to hide it and always have which is an indicator that you know you are doing something that is at least somewhat unacceptable. While I think most women in general expect that at some time or another men look at porn, she probably already knows. You probably expect that she will be turned off or feel inadequate. She likely will not even care that much. I think porn is okay as long as it is not something that subtracts from your actual sex life and you don't feel the need to hide it like a teenager. That is kind of demeaning to your own self. However, i will say that too often the sexual energy we feel is released only by sex when it could be used in other productive ways. If you're excited and can't have sex, go workout or use your energy creatively. Sex is great but i truly believe we do ourselves a disservice by limiting that energy to sexual release.
 

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I all my years of using research on the psychology of porn use to try and replace my previous and somewhat OCD actual porn use habits, I have learned that in ALL relationships that women are way more hurt by the act of men HIDING porn than the actual porn itself. Essentially the foundation of trust is broken if women find their mate is "hiding" porn, and the relationship can severely suffer.

It is possible that your wife may prefer not to know and that she prefers you to just be discrete when you have an urge to do something like that. But both of you should feel very comfortable asking each other questions and being honest if one of the two wants to talk about it or has a concern.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 

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One more thing to add-- when I first met my wife we were having sex almost every day for the first two months. During that time I had no desire to watch porn. When I only have sex 1-2 times I week, like now, I go crazy and need to get off. I am HD for sure but my wife isnt as into it (not LD but not Hd either).
I am pointing this out because I really do believe I am not addicted to porn.... but maybe I am???
No. No. No. You're not addicted to porn. From what you've said, your habits seems totally normal. When you're watching it everyday, several hours a day, and ignoring your spouse or preferring porn to sex, then you need to look at it being a problem. I think what you've described sounds completely normal.

However, I do think you should be open about your porn use. You can explain it to your W that you would prefer having sex with her daily, but since he cannot (or will not) do that, sometimes you meet your needs yourself with the use of porn.

I agree with Bad Santa that a lot of the hurt many women feel over porn has to do with the lying or hiding part of it. So, try to be as open as you can.
 

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I treat porn the same way I treat clipping my toe nails, flossing, or passing gas. Out of courtesy to my SO, I practice good computer hygiene habits (clear the history, put away the tissue, make sure there's no mess) and generally make sure that it doesn't interfere in any way with my relationship.

It's not anything to be ashamed of, but neither is it something to be flaunted (unless your partner is completely OK with it.) If I were asked about it, I would be honest, but circumspect. It's a relationship, not a deposition.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I treat porn the same way I treat clipping my toe nails, flossing, or passing gas. Out of courtesy to my SO, I practice good computer hygiene habits (clear the history, put away the tissue, make sure there's no mess) and generally make sure that it doesn't interfere in any way with my relationship.

It's not anything to be ashamed of, but neither is it something to be flaunted (unless your partner is completely OK with it.) If I were asked about it, I would be honest, but circumspect. It's a relationship, not a deposition.
I am careful to erase my tracks.

Does this mean your partner does not know?

I wouldn't deny it if she asked... but I would feel quite ashamed.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
A few years ago I was in between relationships and watching porn maybe 3-5 times a week. One week I decided to try and get off without it (no visual stimulation, just my imagination) and it was very difficult. It made me realize how much I rely on visual images to get off and how much I rely on this type of stimulation.

When I make love, it rarely in the complete dark, although the feeling alone with my eyes shut will still lead to orgasm...

I guess I'm wondering how much porn makes us rely on the visuals for stimulation and if that (negatively?) affects actual intercourse expectations and requirements...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I personally think it is best to be able to share your entire sexual self with your partner, and that means unashamedly disclosing your masturbation habits (whether you are male or female, whether you use toys, porn, whatever). The reason I think it is best, is because if you are hiding a part of your sexuality, you are setting yourself and your spouse up for something one or the other might be hurt about, and also because there may be things you could share about your solo activities that your spouse may enjoy knowing about you or participating in.

However, I also understand hiding it and keeping your solo activities to yourself in some cases. It is an individual thing and depends on your circumstances.

Being unshamed about who you are and what you enjoy is usually best, though. Not that you must share every detail, but at least being able to be yourself and express your sexuality with authenticity is best in a relationship.
I feel lots of shame for it...

Sometimes I will ask to do something in the bedroom that I saw in a film. One time I asked my wife to do something and she didn't like the idea. I immediately apologized and said, "maybe I got that idea from too much porn in the past." She laughed when I said that... it was the closest I came to admitting that I watch it now...
 

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Discussion Starter #14
No. No. No. You're not addicted to porn. From what you've said, your habits seems totally normal. When you're watching it everyday, several hours a day, and ignoring your spouse or preferring porn to sex, then you need to look at it being a problem. I think what you've described sounds completely normal.

However, I do think you should be open about your porn use. You can explain it to your W that you would prefer having sex with her daily, but since he cannot (or will not) do that, sometimes you meet your needs yourself with the use of porn.

I agree with Bad Santa that a lot of the hurt many women feel over porn has to do with the lying or hiding part of it. So, try to be as open as you can.

I will try to talk to her about it... Thank you.

I should add that we have not made love since she got pregnant two months ago. She said she has no drive right now and feels too uncomfortable. I think this has made me think more about porn to get some relief.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I all my years of using research on the psychology of porn use to try and replace my previous and somewhat OCD actual porn use habits, I have learned that in ALL relationships that women are way more hurt by the act of men HIDING porn than the actual porn itself. Essentially the foundation of trust is broken if women find their mate is "hiding" porn, and the relationship can severely suffer.

It is possible that your wife may prefer not to know and that she prefers you to just be discrete when you have an urge to do something like that. But both of you should feel very comfortable asking each other questions and being honest if one of the two wants to talk about it or has a concern.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
Badsanta--

This advice helps a lot.

I don't like having any secrets between us and this is one of the reasons I try to limit my watching...
I want to be brave and tell her without hurting her feelings...
 

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The frequency with which you watch porn is affected by the frequency you are having sex.

Your not a porn addict.

If it were the other way around, then you might be an addict, or at least letting porn negatively impact your life.
 

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My husband was secretly watching porn and escalated to messaging a porn queen while she performed, they messaged back and forth while she performed- while I was sitting in the same room. It was like pulling teeth to get him to admit to what the heck he was doing, and WHO he was messaging. I don't mind if he reads Playboy but the internet is dangerous. I'm not a holy roller, but a friend of a friend's husband watched porn, started paying to see more, lost all their savings, their marriage, his kids....it can be an addiction. I don't know where my husband is as far as addiction, but since he got interested in another woman at this time, I am of the belief that porn is not a good thing.
 

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What makes you want to tell now? This is a sensitive time in your relationship. Chances are that if you tell her now, she may feel that she is inadequate and/or she has to compete with porn actresses. Too big a chance to take now that she is in pregnant and probably not feeling good about her body or libido.

Is the person your wife knows you to be all those years different based on watching porn and masturbating?. It's different if it leads to escalating activity and cheating, that's not ok of course.

Think about it. You can always tell but once you do, you can never take it back. At lest wait until after the pregnancy and infancy.
 

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Problem with porn is that it can lower your T levels. Making the husband less aggressive in pursuing his wife. I mean, why face constant rejection from the wife, when you can imagine you're the one banging that super sexy woman. Get your fix and not have to deal with the wife complaining "is that all you think about."

Facing and pushing through rejection makes you better at romancing your wife. If you give up and just use porn and settle for the once or twice a week duty sex. you'll grow resentful. That resentment leads to lack of action on your part and before you know it, you have a wife on the prowl for romantic engagement.
 

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Uggh, so hey...
I've been out of the house for 3.5 months now. Living in mom's basement, I'm 33 years old.

My mom does this nock nock open thing, you know why even knock...

So by the time the door opens I pull the covers over myself and she starts badgering me, "what are you hiding, I know your hiding something, you look like your up to no good, you better not be doing something illegal!"

The whole 3 minutes I'm between laughing and tears of embarrassment, finally I just said, "hey babe, we will have to try this another time, my mom just walked in on me..."

This was two weeks ago.
 
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