[marissal94]

My husband and I have been married for going on 5 months now. I have had multiple relationships where the significant other would watch porn but it was not a problem for me. I knew my husband did when we first got married but I didn’t realize how bad it was until the first month of marriage.
he spent thousands of dollars online for porn accounts, use to spend for private sessions at strip clubs, and could not finish or even keep it up when we began to be intimate once we got married.
We would fight constantly about it and it got to the point where he kept lying to me about watching it. Finally he began suggesting I put restrictions on his phone. I refused every time he would bring this up, I didn’t want to know everything he was doing, I wanted to try and trust him and I felt that it would bring on resentment if I did so through him feeling “controlled” he kept brining this up though and finally a few months ago I agreed.
When the controls were on his phone he would get angry with me saying I was controlling him and so on. Over time those arguments have mellowed, and we’ve definitely had less of them too. Things seem to be getting better.

is it wrong for me to have these controls on his phone? I don’t want to control him, I feel that this may slightly be controlling. My issue now is that I’ve had them on there for some time I’m use to it and it makes me feel a little more comfortable. He will still get upset about them every now and then, but not to the same degree he use to. Is idly okay to keep this restriction on or should I take it off?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I don't think it's wrong, no. He can't seem to control himself at all. If you found something that works, that's great. Go with it.

 

[FlaviusMaximus]

If your husband is unable to finish or keep it up during sex with you, his porn addiction has gone way too far. I'm guessing his porn accounts include phone sex of some kind or that he is masturbating so frequently he has nothing left to offer you. Why he needs that release or prefers it over you is an issue you have to address just as is his anger at you over preventing it. The controls on the phone to me are just band-aids, I don't see that lasting because it represents and external control, not him adjusting/correcting his behavior. Some porn in a relationship can be fine up until it replaces real sex with a real, loving partner. You're the one who should be angry.

 

[Diana7]

Had he stopped seeing strippers?

 

[marissal94]

If your husband is unable to finish or keep it up during sex with you, his porn addiction has gone way too far. I'm guessing his porn accounts include phone sex of some kind or that he is masturbating so frequently he has nothing left to offer you. Why he needs that release or prefers it over you is an issue you have to address just as is his anger at you over preventing it. The controls on the phone to me are just band-aids, I don't see that lasting because it represents and external control, not him adjusting/correcting his behavior. Some porn in a relationship can be fine up until it replaces real sex with a real, loving partner. You're the one who should be angry.

I have thought the same thing. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to go about this because that’s a decision he needs to make not me. I can’t control what he does or does not want to do, so I’m left sort of just here and don’t know what action I can take to help the situation move forward aside from loving him despite my anger and frustration.

 

[marissal94]

Had he stopped seeing strippers?

He only did that I believe 3 times that I know of. And it was when he was single before we met. He says he would never do that again, and I believe him on that. Personally with the situation though, and how life changes and people change not sure if our marriage would ever turn into a state where he would want to do that again.

 

[ah_sorandy]

He only did that I believe 3 times that I know of. And it was when he was single before we met. He says he would never do that again, and I believe him on that. Personally with the situation though, and how life changes and people change not sure if our marriage would ever turn into a state where he would want to do that again.

You need to be the one and only woman that he wants to look at. You should be the sole focus of his wants and needs too.

You should drop him, if he refuses to drop the porn.

JMHO.

 

[FlaviusMaximus]

I have thought the same thing. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to go about this because that’s a decision he needs to make not me. I can’t control what he does or does not want to do, so I’m left sort of just here and don’t know what action I can take to help the situation move forward aside from loving him despite my anger and frustration.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. He obviously can’t handle his porn addiction so ultimately he’ll have to give it up permanently so he can focus on you and the real world. Watching people **** on the internet or masturbating to some voice over the phone are things that require no work. Real, loving relationships require work, risk, and exposure but attempting to avoid those things (if that’s his perspective) will ultimately leave a person all alone.

I think you’re right to leave the restrictions on but it’s also true that his behavior probably wouldn’t change if he’s still upset about it. He’ll have to do this himself and that may require you to put your foot down. Ultimatums are difficult, but I'd guess the situation left unchanged would be much more difficult.

I didn’t see or maybe you didn’t say, but has your sex life gotten better as a result of the phone restrictions?

 

[marissal94]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. He obviously can’t handle his porn addiction so ultimately he’ll have to give it up permanently so he can focus on you and the real world. Watching people **** on the internet or masturbating to some voice over the phone are things that require no work. Real, loving relationships require work, risk, and exposure but attempting to avoid those things (if that’s his perspective) will ultimately leave a person all alone.

I think you’re right to leave the restrictions on but it’s also true that his behavior probably wouldn’t change if he’s still upset about it. He’ll have to do this himself and that may require you to put your foot down. Ultimatums are difficult, but I'd guess the situation left unchanged would be much more difficult.

I didn’t see or maybe you didn’t say, but has your sex life gotten better as a result of the phone restrictions?

Yes that’s definitely where my concern is. I have given an ultimatum before and he chose to stay with me. He says he’s having a difficult time letting go of what he thought his life was going to be vs what it is now(single bachelor vs family man). He tells me often about how he could never find another person like me, but when he gets mad about this particular subject he gets really mean and says things I’d never think I’d hear from someone.(which is I why think he’s addicted to be so cruel only when it comes to his anger on this one subject)

our sex life has gotten better. Very slowly progressing, but still progress.

 

[marissal94]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. He obviously can’t handle his porn addiction so ultimately he’ll have to give it up permanently so he can focus on you and the real world. Watching people **** on the internet or masturbating to some voice over the phone are things that require no work. Real, loving relationships require work, risk, and exposure but attempting to avoid those things (if that’s his perspective) will ultimately leave a person all alone.

I think you’re right to leave the restrictions on but it’s also true that his behavior probably wouldn’t change if he’s still upset about it. He’ll have to do this himself and that may require you to put your foot down. Ultimatums are difficult, but I'd guess the situation left unchanged would be much more difficult.

I didn’t see or maybe you didn’t say, but has your sex life gotten better as a result of the phone restrictions?

To clarify, he doesn’t have issues keeping it up or finishing anymore. It took about a month or two to get there after restricting. He would say it’s because my body isn’t his ideal. His ideal is super model thin but with a perfect butt and boobs. While I’m about a size 10 at 5’6” height.

 

[marissal94]

You need to be the one and only woman that he wants to look at. You should be the sole focus of his wants and needs too.

You should drop him, if he refuses to drop the porn.

JMHO.

He’s 29, and says he feels he’s missing out on the single life. He tells me he couldn’t find anyone better than me too. I’m conflicted on this because I’m the type I make a commitment to marriage, it’s important and I want to stick with it. But I also don’t want to end up with a man who never matures and appreciates me, and also teaches our sons and daughters how men should treat women this way.

 

[minimalME]

I'd help him pack his bags. 😒

He’s 29, and says he feels he’s missing out on the single life.

 

[FlaviusMaximus]

To clarify, he doesn’t have issues keeping it up or finishing anymore. It took about a month or two to get there after restricting. He would say it’s because my body isn’t his ideal. His ideal is super model thin but with a perfect butt and boobs. While I’m about a size 10 at 5’6” height.

Your body isn't ideal? Well, it sure is more ideal than his treatment of you is.
He has a porn addiction, he pines for the good ol' single days and he has trouble keeping it up because you're a size 10?

Tell him to choose you or porn and that's the end of it.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I found it trivial to stop watching porn, I just stopped one day and never clicked a link again.

Maybe have him check out “Porn - The Four Letter Word” podcast by DSO. I always knew deep down it was lame looking at porn (for me) but I couldn’t put it into words very well. This guy does it. May or may not work but after listening to it that was it for me as he finally verbalized what I had already known about it.

 

[marissal94]

I found it trivial to stop watching porn, I just stopped one day and never clicked a link again.

Maybe have him check out “Porn - The Four Letter Word” podcast by DSO. I always knew deep down it was lame looking at porn (for me) but I couldn’t put it into words very well. This guy does it. May or may not work but after listening to it that was it for me as he finally verbalized what I had already known about it.

Wow I already listened to the first episode and it breaks it down so well. I’ll definitely see what he thinks about this, I just hope he’s up for it! Thank you!!!!

 

[marissal94]

Your body isn't ideal? Well, it sure is more ideal than his treatment of you is.
He has a porn addiction, he pines for the good ol' single days and he has trouble keeping it up because you're a size 10?

Tell him to choose you or porn and that's the end of it.

I have given the ultimatum and he chose me. He sees how bad he treats me and will come back after an hour or so and apologize. The commitment to marriage is holding me from breaking it off. It’s a hard thing to imagine to be divorced after 5 months at age 26

 

[FlaviusMaximus]

I have given the ultimatum and he chose me. He sees how bad he treats me and will come back after an hour or so and apologize. The commitment to marriage is holding me from breaking it off. It’s a hard thing to imagine to be divorced after 5 months at age 26

Your commitment to marriage is admirable, but there is a bit of an incongruity in saying "he chose me" and in the very next sentence you mention how bad he treats you.

Did he really chose you?

 

[CatholicDad]

is it wrong for me to have these controls on his phone?

He should happily agree to it or just go back to a flip phone if he can't control himself. It sounds like he has no literally no sorrow or shame... that's pretty surprising and enlightening. He actually thinks- and you're starting to believe- that YOU are the problem.