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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi: My husband of over 20 years is addicted to pornography. I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't care that he is addicted. He has also told me that it is my fault, have never given him enough sex, am not attractive enough, blah, blah, blah.........Anyway, he does not even try to fulfill me in any way, but expects me to perform all of that stuff that he sees.

I pretend to look at whatever it is that he is looking at. I just turn my head, make noises and act like I am getting s-o-o-o turned on. I hate looking at that stuff. I can't explain it, but I just don't like it and never have.

I have always been willing to do whatever was pleasing until this porn addiction happened. I felt like I was pretty adventureous, but apparently not. He is always threatening to put pictures of me on the internet and then when I call him on it, he says he is just playing. I absolutely will not let him take pictures of me, because I don't trust him to not do this to me.

The other thing that is weird to me is that he has to be told stories all of the time during sex. (My fantasies...........I don't have any). I then go ahead and make up something to get it over with. We don't have intercourse...this is the "handjob" that I give him once or twice a day, depending. He doesn't give me affection or kisses unless I tell him a story. Am I the one with the problem?
 

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I think we'll wind up with the chicken or the egg debate. Are the marital problems a symptom of the porn addiction or is the porn addiction a symptom of marital problems? Or are they feeding each other (likely). We don't have enough information at this point.
 

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You are not the one with the problem, he is.
His wiring is messed up.
He needs some sort of counselling to fix himself.
The sex has never been satisfying to you , and you still act out his fantasies.
He is living in a fantasy land where you don't exist.
[ hence the hand jobs ]
He seems unable to connect be intimate with you without the porn or fantasies.
Has he ever brought up the idea of having a third party[ male ] involved during sex?
 

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^^Ya but does he KNOW that he is not satisfying her? |She says she goes along with the porn and the stories so she's basically faking it everytime. If he thinks everything is fine it's pretty f'ed up if he gets blindsided one day with her either walking away or cheating.

Not saying that OP would do that....

OP talk to him. Make him see he is not making you happy. Sexual satisfaction is absolutely imparitive to marital happiness. If he's not fulfilling you sexually you will leave. Either in your heart or with your body.
 

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Your husband is messed up.

Have a look at the link in my signature about help for sex addicts. Porn addiction is a form of sex addiction. By acting out what he wants and ignoring your own wants you are enabling his behaviour. That is one sign that you're codependent. You could benefit from some help with that too.
 

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this is very very sad. It sounds like you've been his sex rag for 20 years. No intercourse but you give him a hand-job once or twice a day? how does that happen? you do it because he expects you to? he asks you? demands you to give a hand-job? Where's your sexual satisfaction? do you actually believe him when he says this is all your fault? and what exactly is your fault? his porn addiction? him not wanting intercourse? you give him a hand job 14x/week and he complains that doesn't get enough sex, yet he doesn't want intercourse? your husband sounds like a sexually sick demanding man.

Why do you humor him with fantasies that aren't even your own? He sounds like a little kid who needs a bedtime story from his mama or he can't sleep. STOP RIGHT NOW!! Enough of this. And what exactly would he do if you withheld twice daily HJ's from him? It doesn't sound like a loving marriage to me, but a marriage of insults and intimidation. Either you ask for and demand respect or get a divorce and let him masturbate or get his handjobs somewhere else. He won't find another person on this earth to treat like sh*t AND sexual fulfill him like you do. He's walking all over you. RUN LIKE HELL from this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you all for your feedback. I feel better just knowing from others that I am not "the selfish one" (his words) when I try not to give in to his demands and I mean demands.

I should have divorced him long ago, but I always thought it would get better. I married him for better or worse and deluded myself into thinking that there was no worse. I also didn't count on internet pornography taking over his life. I don't want out of this marriage. Mainly, because I don't think I could or would want to love anyone else. I do not trust my judgement enough to not get in the same situation again, either.

I have always been very open with him about my childhood. A lot of people have been in foster care and I thought that I survived it pretty well. Girls are not treated very well, especially when it gets out that there is abuse in the birth home. So, I thought that I had found real love with this man until the internet porn. Now, he acts like that that kind interaction is normal.

I have gotten abuse counseling and know that 95% of what my husband says is not true, but it still hurts.

Thank you.
 

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It hurts when you are accused of things that aren't true, but that is what manipulative people do - make you feel bad about things that you really shouldn't feel bad/guilty about.

Your judgement has been skewed from your childhood and from your husband, but please know that it is not skewed this time. You are NOT wrong. Trust your judgement now and GET OUT. AFter 20 years, it will be hard to walk, but you will survive and heal and you will be able to trust your judgement again.

Your husband will know that something is up when you stop right now giving in to his psycho demands. That's OK. You're not a bad person for resisting bad treatment.

Don't procrastinate for another few years. See a lawyer. Want more for yourself.
 

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My opinion;
Women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Actually, you only need to look at nature (animals) and their mating instincts to understand this concept. Men naturally want sex all the time, it's in their genetics. Women don't, they only truely want sex one time a month. Can you see the problem yet?
 

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Their is a fine line between porn addiction and casual porn viewing.... His like you stated is most definitely an addiction. Continued use in this aspect will continue to spiral downward in your marriage. Maybe see if he will seek counseling with you and explain how it makes you feel. From what I am seeing though you have tried everything already. Unfortunately, your marriage may have to end because you really do NOT deserve that one bit. Your marriage, however, is definitely fixable but if he is not willing then there is no point in trying. Only he can make it work and no one can make him want to.
 

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Sarah,

Quit participating. You must quit to regain some sanity. If you are going to stay I suggest insisting he go to IC and MC counseling and Sex addicts anonymous.

You need to start your counseling again so you can get to a place where you are not afraid to leave it that is what you know you need. Quit letting this guy define you.
 

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My opinion;
Women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Actually, you only need to look at nature (animals) and their mating instincts to understand this concept. Men naturally want sex all the time, it's in their genetics. Women don't, they only truely want sex one time a month. Can you see the problem yet?
Her husband doesn't want sex, he wants to watch porn while she gives him hand jobs.

This is the main problem with porn addiction. The women pictured have no sexual needs of their own. Men who live on a diet of this flip on, flip off stuff completely lose touch with the reality of human sexuality and physiology.
 

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Hi: My husband of over 20 years is addicted to pornography. I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't care that he is addicted. He has also told me that it is my fault, have never given him enough sex, am not attractive enough, blah, blah, blah.........Anyway, he does not even try to fulfill me in any way, but expects me to perform all of that stuff that he sees.

I pretend to look at whatever it is that he is looking at. I just turn my head, make noises and act like I am getting s-o-o-o turned on. I hate looking at that stuff. I can't explain it, but I just don't like it and never have.

I have always been willing to do whatever was pleasing until this porn addiction happened. I felt like I was pretty adventureous, but apparently not. He is always threatening to put pictures of me on the internet and then when I call him on it, he says he is just playing. I absolutely will not let him take pictures of me, because I don't trust him to not do this to me.

The other thing that is weird to me is that he has to be told stories all of the time during sex. (My fantasies...........I don't have any). I then go ahead and make up something to get it over with. We don't have intercourse...this is the "handjob" that I give him once or twice a day, depending. He doesn't give me affection or kisses unless I tell him a story. Am I the one with the problem?
He sounds really insensitive. Don't let anyone make you feel like this is your fault, getting addicted to porn is a personal problem. You can't "drive someone" to become an addict, that logic is BS all around.
 

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Ok...ok, I'm going to share my real life story about porn addiction the recent turning point in my marriage.

First of all, my wife and I have been married 20 years and have been faithfull to each other. When we were first married the sex was good and frequent but seemed to wane as the years went by. By 1995 Bob Gore had invented the internet :) and I bought my first computer that year. I quickly found that internet porn was readily available and that was the beginning of my internet porn addiction. The wife caught me looking at porn numerous times and her response was "I don't care" but, if we ever had a dispute about sex she used the internet porn as a club to beat me over the head. Anyhow, long story short, the sex was dam scarce around my house for 15 years, we went months with it. I assumed my wife had lost her sex drive and I was attending to my own needs.
Fast forward, two weeks ago I began to notice the jack rabbit toy was moving around the house. I conducted an investigation and found that my wife was masturbating!!! I was astonished I tell ya', completely dumbfounded, I had no idea she had any desire for sex. It seems the source of her arousal was romance novels. I noticed that every time she read her Nook the jack rabbit would disappear from the nightstand. Digging a little deaper, I took a peak at her Nook and found about 55 romance books such as "With His Consent", "Entwined With You", "His Every Choice", "His Every Touch" and the list goes on and on. So I turned to the internet and this forum as a source of information. I learned that romance novels are to women what porn is to men. This was the only motivation I needed and I went right to work!! First, I deleted all my porn, 16,000 images :eek:. Then I sat down with my wife and had a heart to heart talk about our relationship, never mentioning masturbation. However I did tell her that I deleted all my porn which she already knew I possessed. I made it clear, without actually saying it, that I was totally focused on her and that my porn addiction was never about dissatisfaction with her. Then I explained how men are visual beings and such. I began to feel like we were dating all over again. We've been having dinner together, looking each other in the eyes when we talk, kissing and hugging everytime we meet or depart, back and butt rubbing and have intellectual discussions almost every night. I regret not knowing my wifes desires sooner and all of those wasted years with porn. We have a romantic getaway planned for Valentines day and I am putting together a basket of new toys, choclate and massage oil (maybe a BDSM kit as she has read 50 Shades of Grey).
 

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Ok...ok, I'm going to share my real life story about porn addiction the recent turning point in my marriage.
That is wonderful, that you two are turning things around! I don't know if I would call what you had an 'addiction', though. If you find yourself white knuckling it, do you have a plan?
 
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