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Hello everyone. this is my first post. i've search the forums for a situation like mine, but haven't really found anything. so here is my issue: we have been married for 27 months. i have a 14 y/o stepdaughter, and a 5 month old son. i expect conflict in marriage, but nothing we can't handle. we don't have any major issues, like cheating or financial issues, but we argure over the most trivial things, and it tends to end with the police being called. we have been in our new home for about 21 or 22 months. since then, everytime we have an argument, my wife calls the police, or have her daughter call the police. i have never hit her or threaten her, so i have never been arrested. she is very combative in the arguments and its impossible to talk to her. she also takes all of our savings and moves it to her personal account, leaving me with nothing. i do admit my faults in that once i get upset, i have very aggressive tone in my voice. i've cut down the cursing, but i still have a bad mouth. the reason i get so mad is because when i try to discuss an issue with her, everything is my fault. she is very condencending. i'm immature. i can't communicate. i need help. i don't see myself. on and on. i get sick of it and become extremely irate. we have gone to counseling, but separately, which she doesn't really go because she is very self-righteous and thinks her **** don't stink. i'm at the point now where i am ok with divorcing. oh, and she always calls her mother and aunt to the scene along with the police. she has recorded me several times without my knowledge and played this for the police, but they never do anything because i just talk alot of ****, but i never threaten her. she takes my son and leaves for like 4 and 5 days at a time and i don't know where they are. she does not work and is climbing up our debt. i don't know what to do. should i go ahead and file for divorce? of course there is more, but i could spend hours writing about this. the worst thing is that she always calls the police to try and paint me as some insane monster who needs to go to jail. that and taking my son are two things i can't handle. i still love her, but on the flip side, i am sick of this crap. please advise. i'll answer any questions you may have, and i will always admit my fault. thank you.
 

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Is she Bi Polar by any chance? A close friend has an ex that sounds identical, calling the police, taking all the money, not working, takes the kids whenever she wants without consultation. Totally crackers.
 

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I do think you should leave our marriage. Your wife calling the police all the time is a very serious issue.

While you have not been arrested there is now a long record of her calling the police on you. Just the fact that there are so many calls can be used against you.

When she takes off with your child and does not tell you where he is, that's called kidnapping.

Before you move out or do anything, talk to an attorney and fin out your rights. What can you do when the next time she takes off with your child. Can you ask to have her charged with kidnapping? Have the attorney file for divorce and file a 50/50 custody plan when it's filed. That way you are protected from her claiming that you have abandoned her and your son.

Find a place to stay and have it set up before you have her serve. With her habit of calling the police, it's probably wise that you not be anywere near her once she is served.

Ask the attorney to put in the papers that the two of you have to do the exchanges of your son either through a 3rd party or in a public place. this is to prevent her from calling the police when you show up to get your son. He can say in the divorce papers that this is due to her constantly calling the police and trying to file false police reports on you.

Open bank accounts in your name only. Have your pay depostited in your account. That way she cannot take the money. And once you two are divorcing this is needed anyway.

Also before you separate from her make sure that you get copies of the records of all the financial informtion out of the house to a safe place. Make sure you get copies of the statements from the account she is moving all your moneyh to.. .thats your money too. You can ask for half of it or have her use that as part of her support until she finds a job. Remove all of your things of value to that safe place.
You might want to tell her right now that you are going to lose your job if she keeps calling the police. And if you lose your job she will need to go to work to support you. Maybe she will realize that she's being pretty stupid making false police reports all the time.
 

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This ends in one of two ways, and both are expensive:

You spending the night in jail and learn jail 'arts and crafts,' then post bail in the morning to go back home

Or you spend the night in a hotel, watching TV, and get ice cream from room service.

Take your pic.
Room service is expensive, jail food is free. But again, you're in jail...not a happy place.....especially for guys with domestic violence charges.
Actually you should probably pick the hotel. Much safer.

Real advice:
Buy a few VARs, and stash them in a few places. Then when your tax dollars come to arrest you, you can show them some evidence to keep your butt out of jail.
 

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I do think you should leave our marriage. Your wife calling the police all the time is a very serious issue.

While you have not been arrested there is now a long record of her calling the police on you. Just the fact that there are so many calls can be used against you.

When she takes off with your child and does not tell you where he is, that's called kidnapping.

Before you move out or do anything, talk to an attorney and fin out your rights. What can you do when the next time she takes off with your child. Can you ask to have her charged with kidnapping? Have the attorney file for divorce and file a 50/50 custody plan when it's filed. That way you are protected from her claiming that you have abandoned her and your son.

Find a place to stay and have it set up before you have her serve. With her habit of calling the police, it's probably wise that you not be anywere near her once she is served.

Ask the attorney to put in the papers that the two of you have to do the exchanges of your son either through a 3rd party or in a public place. this is to prevent her from calling the police when you show up to get your son. He can say in the divorce papers that this is due to her constantly calling the police and trying to file false police reports on you.

Open bank accounts in your name only. Have your pay depostited in your account. That way she cannot take the money. And once you two are divorcing this is needed anyway.

Also before you separate from her make sure that you get copies of the records of all the financial informtion out of the house to a safe place. Make sure you get copies of the statements from the account she is moving all your moneyh to.. .thats your money too. You can ask for half of it or have her use that as part of her support until she finds a job. Remove all of your things of value to that safe place.
You might want to tell her right now that you are going to lose your job if she keeps calling the police. And if you lose your job she will need to go to work to support you. Maybe she will realize that she's being pretty stupid making false police reports all the time.
My ex, while not as "trigger-happy" as your wife, has a history of inappropriately calling the police and inciting others to do so as well. So I have some experience.

I also suggest you divorce her and get yourself a good lawyer. Furthermore, I suggest you ask for a custody/family evaluation. The intent of that would be to have a trained professional who will hear out your issues and recommend actions that protect you and your child (for instance, my child has a counselor who has the whole picture, and my ex cannot make an abuse allegation without getting the counselor's approval).

Expensive, but (as they say) a bargain at twice the price.
 

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Some good advice here. You are in a dangerous situation and need to get out. Run, Chuckster, Run.

One more thing - you might want to get a small VAR of your own and keep it on you at all times (AND DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE THIS), especially once you make a move to leaver her (and thus she'll lose control over you) she might up the severity of her claims (like saying you are hitting the kids, etc) and you'll need all the evidence you can get.
 

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Chuck, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with the other respondents, all of whom are advising you to leave your W as soon as possible. Your marriage is extremely toxic and your continued presence there places you in great danger. The behaviors you describe -- strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and irrational accusations -- are some of the classic traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Has your counselor mentioned NPD or BPD to you? Is your counselor a psychologist?
i've search the forums for a situation like mine, but haven't really found anything.
At BPDfamily.com, you will find the stories of thousands of people who lived for years in situations like yours. This problem of toxic marriages is so widespread that that forum is growing by about 20 new members every day.
We have been married for 27 months.... we have been in our new home for about 21 or 22 months. since then... she is very combative in the arguments and its impossible to talk to her.
That means your W's rage started about six months into your marriage. If she has strong traits of NPD or BPD, consider yourself very lucky -- because such traits typically disappear only during the courtship period and start within a month or two after the wedding, if not sooner.
I have very aggressive tone in my voice. i've cut down the cursing, but i still have a bad mouth.... She says I'm immature.
Well, she is right about that one. Your behavior is immature. Specifically, your aggressive cussing is the behavior one would expect from a teenager, not a mature adult.

Yet, if your W actually does have strong NPD or BPD traits, her behavior is far more immature than yours. People exhibiting such strong traits (i.e., "NPDers" and "BPDers") typically have the emotional development of a four year old. This means it is very immature of you to be yelling and cussing at a woman having the emotional development of a young child. It also means you have a parent/child relationship with her, not a husband/wife relationship.
The reason i get so mad is because when i try to discuss an issue with her, everything is my fault.
That is exactly how she should be behaving if she is an NPDer or BPDer, neither of which is able to see her true self. They both therefore seek constant validation for a false self image, which is being "perfect" for the NPDer and being "The Victim" for the BPDer. The result is that these folks will always blame every misfortune and mistake on their abused spouses.
The worst thing is that she always calls the police to try and paint me as some insane monster who needs to go to jail.
As I said, an NPDer and BPDer will blame everything on the spouse. My BPDer exW, for example, did that to me for 15 years. At the end of our marriage, she called the police and had me arrested for "brutalizing" her. Because I was arrested early on a Saturday morning, it was late on Monday afternoon before I could appear before a judge in arraignment. This means I spent three days in jail. This also means that, if you are foolish enough to continue living with this woman, you should at least be smart enough to leave the house on Saturday or Sunday. That way, you can shorten your time in jail.
i am sick of this crap. please advise.
If there were no young children involved, my advice would be to simply walk out and not look back. Yet, because there are children, I believe it is important -- after you leave -- that you find out what it is the kids are having to deal with. I therefore encourage you to see a psychologist (not a MC) for a visit or two -- all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what type of behavior your W is exhibiting. I am suggesting you go "all by yourself" because, if your W really does have strong NPD or BPD traits, it is very unlikely a therapist will tell her -- much less tell her husband -- the name of the disorder (for her own protection).

I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about NPD and BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar. Although you are not capable of diagnosing your W's issues, you nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags or warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and impulsiveness.

An easy place to start reading about NPD and BPD traits is Kathy's excellent article on NPD at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It and about BPD at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. Here on the TAM forum, I describe BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If any of those descriptions ring a bell, there are many members here who will be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Chuck, and stay out of jail.
 

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This will go much better if you are the one who files for divorce and you hit this issue head on for being the reason. She's building a case against you so when you throw your hands in the air, you have no custody rights because she's painted you as an abuser.

No you should not only get out and expose what you see happening. Otherwise you're paying child support for a child you don't have visitation with later.
 

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Agree with Uptown. BPD or bipolar - I'm guessing unmedicated.

File for divorce & full custody. You may not get it now but if she keeps up with this crazy behavior you could get it in the future. I feel sorry for your baby.

Good luck.
 

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What do the police say about being called out for these arguments? I am surprised that they have not told your wife to quit calling for what are apparently nothing more than verbal arguments. Has nobody in the police department told her not to waste their time? Have you ever been cautioned, or have the police officers who attended warned you in any way about your behavior?
 

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Agree with Uptown. BPD or bipolar - I'm guessing unmedicated.

File for divorce & full custody. You may not get it now but if she keeps up with this crazy behavior you could get it in the future. I feel sorry for your baby.

Good luck.
Not likely if he's littered with police reports of domestic violence. That's why you sooner is better.
 

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I would contact a lawyer for advice regarding your child. Where I live a parent leaving with their child and not telling where they are is not considered kidnapping. Unless there is a court order, either parent can go any place they want and they don't have to say squat to the other parent. It sucks, but that's the way the law works here. It also sucks about having the police called for the little things. Any way you guys could go to counseling? Sounds to me like they need to be taught different ways of dealing with bad situations. It might benefit you as well to seek counseling. I wish you luck.
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Discussion Starter #19
UPDATE:
at the point of separation, we were 3 years and 10 months into our marriage. we will make 5 years of marriage in october, thou we are still apart. we'd relocated from from tx to ca 8 or 9 months earlier. we have a two year old (almost 3) son together, and she has a 17 year old daughter. she is a devout christian, and i am agnostic. she always called the cops every time we argued. i never hit her or threatened her, so they just ask me or her to go somewhere to cool off. until one day, when i left before the police came, she made up some story about me choking her. truth is, she attacked me, so i had to throw her off me, but i never choked her. so, they arrested me 3 months later for domestic violence, 3d felony, $50k bond. i beat the case, lost $10k cash. she has not worked since being pregnant with our son in 2012. she always talking about domestic violence, but when i bring up the fact that i have never touch her or threaten her, she says DV is emotional, mental and psychological, not just physical. she's called them again here in cali after an argument in july 2014. i really think she has bpd. then came aug 26, 2014. we made love all night, took a bath together...being extra sweet. even asked what i wanted for dinner that morning before i left for work. call me at work to say how much she loved me and all that. looking back, i saw the signs, but didn't realize it. had a hunch something was up, but i discounted it. so i came home from work to a dark house with an echo as i stepped in. she had taken almost everything including my son. i didn't know it at the time, but she moved all the way to LA from our home in the Bay area...with my son! i call the police to report this abduction and kidnapping because you cannot take a child from a parent more than 70 miles, at least here in cali. i immediately fild for custody and for divorce. they wanted us to see a mediator. she went in first. when my time came, the female counselor said she had already made up her mind because my wife said there had been DV and that she was afraid and fled for saftey. complete and utter bs. so, the feminist counselor gave her permission via temp court order to stay in LA with my son, and i get two weekends, one in the bay, and one in LA, until the DV case was heard. the DV case was thrown out, but the order is still in effect until a full custody hearing. and when it's time for me to have my son in the bay, i have to pay her way up here. bs. ok, so november comes, and she wants to reconcile. we do. i pay her rent in la, bought her daugher a car for her 17 bday, all with the agreed expectation that she was moving back to the bay with me at the end of her lease. they let her out early cause she couldn't pay. i told her by july first, if she was not with me, i could not give her any more money cause i'm going broke. meanwhile, i see on her recent email that she left open that she is writing to her pastor and everyone else about how much of a DV victim she is, same old story. how god has paid her rent and looked out for her, when it was me all along. unbelievable. so july 1 came, she said she was staying in LA. i said ok, not another dime from me. if you want to stay in LA, you are completely on your own. now she totaled the car i was letting her drive (i had a lexus and an infiniti). now she has no car, and no place to live as far as i know. she told me that she was taking my son back to texas, and i would not see him until the divorce is final. i immediately called police and went to the court to file an affidavit of contempt of a court order (for refusing my visitation and for taking him out of the state), plus emergency custody hearing. our divorce/custody case had been put off by the courts until feb 2016 because we no showed for the last two dates. despite all this, i profess my love for her and i want the family together because i want my son to have both of his parents. but she is still talking ****. i keep begging her, but i feel like a dumb ass after i do it each time. wtf am i begging her for? what should i do people? there is more, but i wanted to just give an opening to my situation. thanks.
 

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Hello everyone. this is my first post. i've search the forums for a situation like mine, but haven't really found anything. so here is my issue: we have been married for 27 months. i have a 14 y/o stepdaughter, and a 5 month old son. i expect conflict in marriage, but nothing we can't handle. we don't have any major issues, like cheating or financial issues, but we argure over the most trivial things, and it tends to end with the police being called. we have been in our new home for about 21 or 22 months. since then, everytime we have an argument, my wife calls the police, or have her daughter call the police. i have never hit her or threaten her, so i have never been arrested. she is very combative in the arguments and its impossible to talk to her. she also takes all of our savings and moves it to her personal account, leaving me with nothing. i do admit my faults in that once i get upset, i have very aggressive tone in my voice. i've cut down the cursing, but i still have a bad mouth. the reason i get so mad is because when i try to discuss an issue with her, everything is my fault. she is very condencending. i'm immature. i can't communicate. i need help. i don't see myself. on and on. i get sick of it and become extremely irate. we have gone to counseling, but separately, which she doesn't really go because she is very self-righteous and thinks her **** don't stink. i'm at the point now where i am ok with divorcing. oh, and she always calls her mother and aunt to the scene along with the police. she has recorded me several times without my knowledge and played this for the police, but they never do anything because i just talk alot of ****, but i never threaten her. she takes my son and leaves for like 4 and 5 days at a time and i don't know where they are. she does not work and is climbing up our debt. i don't know what to do. should i go ahead and file for divorce? of course there is more, but i could spend hours writing about this. the worst thing is that she always calls the police to try and paint me as some insane monster who needs to go to jail. that and taking my son are two things i can't handle. i still love her, but on the flip side, i am sick of this crap. please advise. i'll answer any questions you may have, and i will always admit my fault. thank you.
Yes. Talk to a lawyer ASAP, and let him/her know that you're concerned that she may take off w/ your kid once she's been served w/ divorce papers.

Also buy a VAR, and be ready to flip it on at a moment's notice any time she starts to engage. Or, better yet, change the lock code on your smart phone (pick something w/ more than 4 digits... and nothing too obvious) and use it as a VAR when needed.

No more arguing. In fact, no more engaging her... PERIOD. When she starts that crap (and it'll only ramp up after she's been served w/ divorce papers), turn on the recording feature and record the entire conversation. Let her see you do it. Even tell her that you're recording her, and then proceed to be polite and civil for the duration of the conversation.

Google "the 180" and follow it to the letter. Learn it, live it, and love it.

ETA: Just realized that I've responded to a 2-1/2 year-old post.

Damnit.
 
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