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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Iam married for 19 years, i llove my husabnd more than myself iam well off and he dont thats why i gave everything that will make him happy. Ist year of marriage we always fight because he was hook to liquor and gambling then stop replaced by bars.

Thru out our 13 years of marriage he was able to save money and by 2014 he was able to built a house for his parents. I think this were our real problems start. When we fight i always ask him to lleave our house but he got boostful after building the house. Always drinks with friends and shoulder everything but cant give much to my children though he gave me his salary he had extra income which he used to treat his friends but not to my kids.

By 2015 i caught him talikng in a phone with a girl he delete the number immediately and says its nobody..but i knew its not.. since then ive been suspicious about him. On may2016 he was drunk and was jealous of my auntie’s son. I was afraif of him, taught that he will kill me so i didnt allow him to go to our house. One day the guy who chat with me twice saying hi and that he knew me, pm me. I dont know what to do then so i asked for his advice. It was ok then but on our 3rd day he sent me a picture of his penis.

i jist told him its nothing to me because my focus then was my problem with my husband.After 10days we reconcile but my husband saw that i pm this guy sayin thank you and that my H may think negatively if he knew about it. But i didnt knew he was by my side and read the pm. He was so furious and we had a fight again.. my husband always link me to guys whos like my employee, boy, or a worker ever. After oiur fight my kids and i moved to my cousins house there the guy and I chat once in while just asking for advice although there are times he called me hon or say i love you. I thought it was a joke,never take it seriously but always remind him that we are both married and i just need a friend.

We reconcile again but ask me what is between us i told him everything even the penis issue.I believe him we will leave it behind.For 1 1/2 years I dont have fb and messenger as agreed upon but he can’t forget the penis issue.We always fight about this. Telling me that i should get mad..He asked the opinion of his friends telling me that all his girlfriends reaction was they will get mad. I told him again n again that i was in pain and confused, it was not my concern.

To get even with him I opened my fb and the guy told me that he will come here for a month.During his stay ive never met him although he tried to ask me and even asked someone to conive with him for us to meet.. My H was so paranoid to think that the guy was outside so that i can see him. He even chat him but the guy told things that aren’t true. A never ending fight about the guy made me avoid him. That its better not seeing him around than having a fight.I had this feeling that he fights with me because he wants m dead..

He was always out eat lunch and dinner after that he was aout again.I knew that he had an affair but dont have evidence until dec 31, 2020. My daughter link his fb and messenger to me and there ive read every message he sent to the girl saying i love you, missed you.Were on vacation Jan 1 and he keep making alibis for him to go out so that he chat his girl.i felt like it hit me ao hard and feels like I am dying.. And the girl said how many years they been like that.. i told him about it. 23 days after we reconcile again.

We agreed that we will forget everything but i cant forget. I always thought that he will chat the girl and even thought there having sex.. It was very painful.. I tried to forget but its very hard.. A simple reminder made me burst to anger that ends up fighting with him.Sometimes i wonder that the 3 years of blaming me with this guy , it was actually him having an affair. But then i fooled myself believing that it was only last dec 28, he started chatting her. For my family and because i love him.. I even realized my faults and fried to change things, for a better relationship.

for 2 months i tried to make everything rigjht i tried to be good in bed since i dont, take care of him,I knew that he tried his best but i cant help to doubt him everytime he went out..I had also this feeling to get even with the girl.. My kids are hurting yet her family was intact. So i talked to the daughter of his girl letting her know that her mom and my H had an affair and she told me that she knew it.. That her mom was having an affair since she was 11 til now shes 18.. it was trauma to her and their family was trying to buolt thier family. I told her if you have controlled it, you might be able to save famlies..Its pain me knowing that she was in trauma since 11 but it was a relief that they are hurting as much as we are..

All my anger was pointed to my H and asked him to leave the house permanently.. He was trying to reconcile with us but I am afraid that our fight will go on and on because i cant forget and i cant trust him.. maybe were ok but the moment i remember it, i will burst to anger and it will be a never ending fight..

I love him so much and it pains me eapwcially that my kids knew about it but i dont know if my decision was right.. i think its a one way ticket.He tried to fix our marriage, promised me that he will never call or text her. Even talked to my brothers that he loved hia family and it will never happen again, my doubt still there.. I dont know how can i forgive him and i am afraid that it will do more damge if we stay tigether but my heart wants me to forgive him.. pls help me how Am i be able to give him my forgiveness and trust.
 

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I'm sorry but I couldn't read the big wall of text. Please go back and add some paragraph breaks. You'll get more responses.
Thanks just knowing your intention was a relief already.. tried to fix it hope i can get some advice. Thanks alot
 

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Hello Pearl,

I put white space between the paragraphs in your post to make it easier to read.

Things have been a bit slow here in recent days. It might be because the COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted everyone's lives.

I can understand why you feel you will never be able to trust your husband again. He would have to do a lot of work to prove to you that he can be trusted. It would take years for him to prove it.

Does he still drink and go out with his male friend?

What, if anything, is he doing to prove to you that he can be trusted?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Hello Pearl,

I put white space between the paragraphs in your post to make it easier to read.

Things have been a bit slow here in recent days. It might be because the COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted everyone's lives.

I can understand why you feel you will never be able to trust your husband again. He would have to do a lot of work to prove to you that he can be trusted. It would take years for him to prove it.

Does he still drink and go out with his male friend?

What, if anything, is he doing to prove to you that he can be trusted?
He still drinks occasionally but still treat his friends.. he tried to go home early, leave his phone sometimes but though he stayed at home usually his busy with the fb
 

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What I understood of your situation sounds so miserable. It doesn’t seem like you can get over this, and therefore should exit the marriage, and find someone who will be faithful to you.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, but you can get out of it.
 

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He still drinks occasionally but still treat his friends.. he tried to go home early, leave his phone sometimes but though he stayed at home usually his busy with the fb
It seems that he is not doing what is necessary to make you feel safe with him. Going out and 'treating' his friends will not make you feel safe. He would have to give that up and instead spend his time and money treating you and your children. He would have to make you and your children the center of his life.

Also him being busy on Facebook is not him doing what he needs to do to make you feel safe. Facebook is one of the main ways people carry on affairs these days. If he wants a Facebook account, he needs to have a joint account with you so that you have 100% access to read every post and every private message that he sends and that he receives.

He needs to make his life 100% joined to yours and have 100% transparency or there is no way you can trust him. He as a flaw, a flaw that lead to him cheating for decades. The only way for him to stop that is for him to recognize it and for him to restructure his life to protect himself from his own flaw. and to make you feel safe.

Here is a book that the two of you might benefit from. If he is not willing to do the things laid out in the book, he's not worth having in your life. And even then, even if he is willing, you might not ever be able to trust him again as he has damaged your trust in him so severally that you might never be able to trust him. You might do better just ending this marriage because dealing with all he has done is just too much ... most people would never be able to get over it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage
 

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I did not read you whole post but one line I did read really struck me. That was that you love your husband more than yourself.

That is a huge red flag. You have become dependent upon him for your own sense of worthiness. You have to become independent. You have to value yourself more than anyone else or no one will value you either. I am not saying you husband's misbehavior is your fault, not at all. However, you attract this abusive man and perpetuate this abusive relationship by making him more important than yourself.

Once you separate from him, don't latch onto a new guy right away. Learn to love yourself and then you will be available for a healthy relationship with another.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It seems that he is not doing what is necessary to make you feel safe with him. Going out and 'treating' his friends will not make you feel safe. He would have to give that up and instead spend his time and money treating you and your children. He would have to make you and your children the center of his life.

Also him being busy on Facebook is not him doing what he needs to do to make you feel safe. Facebook is one of the main ways people carry on affairs these days. If he wants a Facebook account, he needs to have a joint account with you so that you have 100% access to read every post and every private message that he sends and that he receives.

He needs to make his life 100% joined to yours and have 100% transparency or there is no way you can trust him. He as a flaw, a flaw that lead to him cheating for decades. The only way for him to stop that is for him to recognize it and for him to restructure his life to protect himself from his own flaw. and to make you feel safe.

Here is a book that the two of you might benefit from. If he is not willing to do the things laid out in the book, he's not worth having in your life. And even then, even if he is willing, you might not ever be able to trust him again as he has damaged your trust in him so severally that you might never be able to trust him. You might do better just ending this marriage because dealing with all he has done is just too much ... most people would never be able to get over it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage
Thank you elegirl.. My H fb and messenger are connected in mine now however I cant help to think that every time he went out, he tx or call the girl..I had this thought that the reason why he went out was for him to call the girl. Also though his fb is connected in mine, i cant help to think that he might have another account..He told my brother that he was willing to give his fb and phone just ro be with us.. My brother gave one week to think and assess myself wheather or not I still want to be with him.. He even told me that when they talked, my H was crying and that since we decided to give it a try he never tx or call the girl.. Its been 5 days i tried to make myself busy but I miss him and cant sleep at night thinking of him.. Thanks
 

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What I understood of your situation sounds so miserable. It doesn’t seem like you can get over this, and therefore should exit the marriage, and find someone who will be faithful to you.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, but you can get out of it.
Thank you spicy..
There are times that I want to give up on him but just like today, my 7 year old son was asking me when will my H go home.I dont know also if I can do it without him.. We have been through many trials but cheating was the one that i dont know how can I handle. I want to forget but I cant
 

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I did not read you whole post but one line I did read really struck me. That was that you love your husband more than yourself.

That is a huge red flag. You have become dependent upon him for your own sense of worthiness. You have to become independent. You have to value yourself more than anyone else or no one will value you either. I am not saying you husband's misbehavior is your fault, not at all. However, you attract this abusive man and perpetuate this abusive relationship by making him more important than yourself.

Once you separate from him, don't latch onto a new guy right away. Learn to love yourself and then you will be available for a healthy relationship with another.
Thank you one eighty. Thats what iam doing right now actually since jan 1. Trying to improve myself but i dont think i will look for another man..I just to forget the pain that hunting me everyday.
 

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Thank you elegirl.. My H fb and messenger are connected in mine now however I cant help to think that every time he went out, he tx or call the girl..I had this thought that the reason why he went out was for him to call the girl. Also though his fb is connected in mine, i cant help to think that he might have another account..He told my brother that he was willing to give his fb and phone just ro be with us.. My brother gave one week to think and assess myself wheather or not I still want to be with him.. He even told me that when they talked, my H was crying and that since we decided to give it a try he never tx or call the girl.. Its been 5 days i tried to make myself busy but I miss him and cant sleep at night thinking of him.. Thanks
One thing to consider is that you love who you thought your husband was and who you want him to be. From what you have posted here, you do not love who he really is... a cheater and a liar. This is who is he.

How can you go on without him?

How can you go on with him?

You said the was crying when he was talking to your brother. Does your husband cry easily? Does he cry often? I would not trust this. it sounds like an act he put on to try to convince your brother.

Could he have another Facebook account? Easily. Do you want him every time he's online?

My ex husband did a lot of cheating and much of it was using online things like chat. He promised me he's change. He cried, etc. I just had a feeling that he was still doing it behind my back. So I installed keystroke tracking software on his computer. It sent a copy of everything he was doing on his computer to a website where I could sign in and see what he was up to. Guess what? By gut feeling was right. He was doing things behind my back. I copied off all the evidence so he could not lie to me. We are divorced.

You need to decide what you want in your life. It will take years of him being perfect and make you feel safe before you can ever trust him again. Are you ok living like that?
 

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He isn’t acting like a husband who respects you ... who is kind and loving.

please get counseling to help yourself. You say you still love him - why would you love any man who treats you terribly? love does NOT look like that!

and stop taking any marital issues to any other man! If there are any issues take them straight to your husband! Confusing in another man makes you easy prey - for them.

don’t go back to him - he’s NEVER been even close to a decent husband! You need to find out why you have settled for such a crappy relationship thinking it was ok. It’s NOT ok - and you should divorce him.
 
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