[Mindful Coach]

Hi All,

I am curious about your opinions to a debate that is going on. I'll give you the scenario, the two sides and please tell me what your thoughts are about it.

A person outside of the marriage has caused problems within the marriage including hitting on the wife when drunk, refusing to apologize for that, disrespecting her with words, calling her a puppet master, telling the husband he's whipped, etc....

Obviously this is unacceptable behavior to the wife, the husband is torn because it's his brother. But he agrees the behavior is not appropriate. He made attempts to garner an apology and have his brother stop talking poorly about his wife, but the brother insists it is she who needs to apologize. After this, the husband assures the wife "I will not pursue hanging out with him, I will talk to him via phone/email/text from time to time, but that's it."

Now husband wants to go to a concert with this person that has just told him he has no balls and will lend him his pair.

Husband thinks going to a concert together is not "hanging out" and therefore he is not breaking his promise to his wife. He further tells her since "hanging out" wasn't fully defined, that it is just fine for him to do this and he is mad at her for having a problem with it and thinks she is being irrational.

Wife is upset because she went through years of feeling bullied by this person and sees he is still disrespecting the her and her marriage. She feels betrayed that what was told to her by her husband, in her opinion, is not being honored. For her, going to a concert is definitely "hanging out".

What's your take? Would you side with the husband, wife or neither? What defines "hanging out" to you? Any other suggestions you can offer to help them get this worked out?

I would appreciate hearing from both husband and wives.

Thanks.

 

[daisygirl 41]

Husband has no balls and should defend his wife against the brother otherwise he will lose all respect from the wife!
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[WyshIknew]

Husband has no balls and should defend his wife against the brother otherwise he will lose all respect from the wife!
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Yup :iagree:

Why is there even a debate?

 

[827Aug]

I'm wondering why your husband wants to have contact with another man who has hit on his wife. Although I understand it is his brother, but still that's crossing the line. Your husband obviously lacks self-respect. Your BIL has identified the problem and now you are describing those attributes as they relate to his relationship with his brother.

With your BIL causing problems within your marriage, your husband needs to limit his contact with his brother. That means no concerts with him.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

The husband and the wife did NOT come to an acceptable agreement on how to deal with boundaryless bullying brother. If he should be cut off indefinitely or how/when/where acceptable contact may be engaged in with the husband. They are at an impasse...it's not settled... or wife would not still be feeling like this>>

Mindful Coach said: Wife is upset because she went through years of feeling bullied by this person and sees he is still disrespecting the her and her marriage. She feels betrayed that what was told to her by her husband, in her opinion, is not being honored. For her, going to a concert is definitely "hanging out".

WIFE fears >>>

Brother will weasel himself back into their marriage -with boundaries such as these...because husband is being "limp wristed" with his Ball crushing brother. And given the past, I can understand why she feels this way.

They need to further sit down and work out some compromise they are both comfortable with.. ultimately our spouses feelings & the marriage coming first.

If the brother gives that much of a da**, he will change his ways and work to earn his brother's respect back...over time.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Husband is out of line.

Husband is disrespecting his wife.

Brother-in-law is disrespecting both of them.

"Wife is upset because she went through years of feeling bullied by this person and sees he is still disrespecting the her and her marriage. She feels betrayed that what was told to her by her husband, in her opinion, is not being honored."

If you have used these words to your husband, rather than just thinking this way, and he still wants to go to the concert, you have bigger problems in your marriage that just your brother-in-law.

Marriage counseling would be a good place to start.

 

[turnera]

Once you marry, you owe your allegiance to your spouse. Not your family.

Sounds to me like the husband isn't all that different from his brother, just 'tamed' a little from being married. He has to make a choice.

You may have to make it for him: I won't stay in a marriage in which I'm disrespected and cared for less than your brother. I have better fish to fry.

 

[joe kidd]

If my brother was doing that I would ask him if he would like to keep his balls. No one will disrespect my wife. Not my friends, not my family, not my children.

 

[CallaLily]

I think the wife has an idiot for a husband and an idiot for a brother in law. Perhaps its not that the husband should be siding with the wife, perhaps the wife should get her head out of the clouds and see what shes living with then make a decision. Maybe she will wake up one day. Just my 2 cents.

 

[scione]

I would side with the wife that he's wrong, but husband has the right to hang out with his own brother. They know each other longer than he knows her. Although I don't agree with this, maybe because I'm a single child, but people think that blood is thicker than water.

This is what some people think. Blood comes first then your spouse. Reason? Your spouse can divorce you any time, but your family can't. With people talking about leaving or divorcing, I'm not surprise, someone would pick his/her family over their spouse.

 

[scione]

I think this is 2012, women and men are equal. Woman should not rely on a man to protect them all the time. This is what I want to suggest the wife to do, next time if the brother try anything on her, just kick his balls and slap him. Everytime. The brother probably won't want to hit on you anymore. If the husband has the right to hangout, wife has the right to kick balls.

 

[Entropy3000]

Actually the husband should slap his brother silly and set him straight. He should not be hanging out with him and of course the concert is absurd.

 

[Jamison]

Apparently this concert with his brother is more important than his wifes feelings, I hope this speaks volumes to her.

 

[anonim]

Once you marry, you owe your allegiance to your spouse. Not your family.

Sounds to me like the husband isn't all that different from his brother, just 'tamed' a little from being married. He has to make a choice.

You may have to make it for him: I won't stay in a marriage in which I'm disrespected and cared for less than your brother. I have better fish to fry.

so who would you fall back on if your spouse cheated/was abusive?

just saying.

 

[A Bit Much]

It's not okay, and the husband is too much of a wimp to stand up to his bullying brother. In his mind it's better to ask for forgiveness from his wife than permission, so he's very 'no big deal' about it.

Wives do forgive and tolerate a heck of a lot from their husbands. Including being disrespected. I don't get it, but they do. Brothers have a special bond... their relationship is one of the longest they will ever have with another human being. Hard to just cut it off... even for a wife. Even if it's obvious it's not right. The loyalty will be with the brother in most cases because of the nature of the relationship.

What's left then? The wife has to make a decision. Either accept this and realize this will be the theme in their relationship for the duration, OR stand up for herself and bail out. In my marriage I don't compete with anyone. I will NOT compete with anyone either. That's also my preogative.

 

[turnera]

so who would you fall back on if your spouse cheated/was abusive?

just saying.

Huh? What does that have to do with what I said?

 

[scione]

Well you wanted the wife to leave the husband. Doesn't that mean what the husband did was the right thing.

If the woman is so easy to divorce, why not just stick with the family that can't divorce you.

His brother is the person to fall back on, when the wife leave or cheated on him.

 

[A Bit Much]

Well you wanted the wife to leave the husband. Doesn't that mean what the husband did was the right thing.

If the woman is so easy to divorce, why not just stick with the family that can't divorce you.

His brother is the person to fall back on, when the wife leave or cheated on him.

Why get married at all then? People that feel like this IMO shouldn't get married. They don't understand what it means.

And I'm sorry but family CAN divorce you. They can cut you off just like a spouse can. It happens every day.

 

[turnera]

I wasn't telling her to leave her husband. I was telling her to tell her husband that she deserves better. And, ultimately, if he disagrees with her in that regard, by all means leave him because that isn't love and that's a marriage of convenience.

The key to any marriage is communication. And when she expresses pain at the hands of his brother, and he agrees but then chooses going with brother over wife's pain, the next step is to call him out on it: do you care more for your wife or for having fun with your brother?

And remember, he could have stopped all this years ago, but he chose not to.

 

[YupItsMe]

If it was my brother I would show him who had balls by kicking the stuffing out of him and tell him if he ever calls my house or stops over again he better be prepared for another ass whipping. Then I would apologize to my wife that my brother is such a complete **** and then take her out to a nice dinner and take her shopping.

Incidentally, the brother is right. He has no balls.