Please, I need some advice...

2068 Views 11 Replies 9 Participants Last post by Numb-badger, Nov 14, 2012

JillValentine724

Discussion Starter · Nov 13, 2012

Good afternoon,

I am brand new to this site and first of all I want to say that I am hoping I can recieve some helpful advice from members on here regarding my situation (I have been reading other posts and they are very insightful)

Some brief background info:
In high school, my husband had always been known as a man that nobody could trust-liar and cheater. I knew him but never considered dating him till 4 1/2 years ago (we fell in love 7 years after high school...yes, I know, even after I knew about his past, but he honestly looked like a changed man). Our relationship already had started off rocky because I fell in love with him while the relationship I was in was coming to an end. We were carrying a lot of baggage (he had also just broken up with his ex). Eventually, we moved in together (caused a lot of tension with my parents for doing this) and recently became husband and wife. Throughout our pre-married life, he would choose not to tell me certain things (like going to see his ex-g/f) and the only way I would stumble upon those things was because I would go through his texts/emails/facebook. Little things here and there kept picking at our already fragile relationship, but we both felt that our love would be strong enough to withstand any obstacle. Well, a few months ago (while we were planning our wedding), I found out that he was having a very sexual emotional affair with a girl that was a mutual "friend". It really only lasted about a week and according to both of them (which I confronted both at the same time), besides pictures and comments, nothing physical happened (guess I found out at the right time). Due to that event, I told him that we needed to see a marriage counselor and have been there 2 times so far (it can get expensive, but will be going back again soon).
Here is where I need some advice...
I thought everything was working out for the best. October was filled with happiness (our wedding) and sadness (grandma passed away). My mind has been a mess since my grandma's death and my husband, in all fairness, has been my rock. He has been the emotional support I needed to try to move on. We had more compassion and, to what I thought, open communication. A couple of days ago, I had a gut feeling to check his text messages. There, I find that he and his friend (a woman he had been intimate with many years before he even met me) went out to have lunch. I confronted him about it, he admitted it and was very nonchalant about it. He told me that the reason he did not tell me he had lunch with her was because he didnt want to deal with my "over reaction". He told me nothing happened and we agreed that from now on, we have to start telling each other things, even if it grants a reaction or not.
My question is, I thought we were working this out. Why would he back track all our progress with the marriage counselor and sneak behind my back to have a "casual" lunch with someone? It makes me wonder why he doesnt see me, his wife, worthy of telling such information. Could he be hiding more things that I havent stumbled upon? I am tired of snooping around and being on edge with "What if-s" scenarios. I love him deeply and this is why I am willing to work through this. Putting yourself in my shoes, how would you handle a husband like mine? What advice can you give me to help me move on from all the stuff ive been bottling up since we first started dating?

Thank you,
V

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iheartlife

· #2 · Nov 13, 2012

I am so sorry, but there is a big looming question over what you've posted, so I'm just going to ask it.

Why did you marry him after he carried on a weeklong "very sexual emotional affair with a mutual 'friend'?" So he committed a double betrayal, you lost that friendship in the bargain? While you were planning the wedding?

Any of that that would have been grounds, in my book, for postponing the wedding for at least one year or more. During that time, you could have attended counseling as much as you needed to. I would also have attended individual counseling if I had been you, to sort through whether you were making the right choice in marrying this man. But what is pretty scary is that this is someone who you are admitting to us is a known liar / cheat. You thought he had changed...but I guess you were extremely, extremely wrong about that.

I think you need to go with your gut here. He has not changed. This is something he does compulsively--he is an addict of sorts and a broken person. He has to see a problem, and WANT TO CHANGE, in order to do so. My reaction is that you don't need marriage counseling--each of you needs individual counseling. He needs counseling to figure out why he thinks it's okay to lie and massively betray the trust of every girlfriend he's ever had, and you need counseling to determine why you would marry someone who so badly betrayed your trust.

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TCSRedhead

· #3 · Nov 13, 2012

iheartlife said:
I am so sorry, but there is a big looming question over what you've posted, so I'm just going to ask it.

Why did you marry him after he carried on a weeklong "very sexual emotional affair with a mutual 'friend'?" So he committed a double betrayal, you lost that friendship in the bargain? While you were planning the wedding?

Any of that that would have been grounds, in my book, for postponing the wedding for at least one year or more. During that time, you could have attended counseling as much as you needed to. I would also have attended individual counseling if I had been you, to sort through whether you were making the right choice in marrying this man. But what is pretty scary is that this is someone who you are admitting to us is a known liar / cheat. You thought he had changed...but I guess you were extremely, extremely wrong about that.

I think you need to go with your gut here. He has not changed. This is something he does compulsively--he is an addict of sorts and a broken person. He has to see a problem, and WANT TO CHANGE, in order to do so. My reaction is that you don't need marriage counseling--each of you needs individual counseling. He needs counseling to figure out why he thinks it's okay to lie and massively betray the trust of every girlfriend he's ever had, and you need counseling to determine why you would marry someone who so badly betrayed your trust.

:iagree:

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JillValentine724

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 13, 2012

I should have mentioned that we were married in December 2011 but did not have our wedding till October 2012.

I agree with the individual counseling. And yes, even though I was warned about dating him, I still did. It really is silly to say but I did fall hopelessly in love with him so my heart believed that he has changed.

I thank you so much for the advice. Sometimes it is hard to have the truth be told to you.

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SadandAngry

· #5 · Nov 13, 2012

Well, now that his ACTIONS have shown you undeniably that he has not changed, what are you going to do about it? Before you answer, think about it. You cannot control him, you cannot change him, he has shown clearly that you cannot trust him, nor believe you are getting any truth from him. The only person you can control in this equation is you.

So again, what do you intend to do?

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JillValentine724

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 13, 2012

A very valid question SadandAngry. One that I need to answer, soon.

Thank you.

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In_The_Wind

· #7 · Nov 13, 2012

Run away Contact an atty and File there are billions of people on this planet and you can be happy as well take care of yourself sometimes people can change if they want to It sounds like he will never change I would move on
some 80s advice for ya Situation - Yaz (oo) 1982 - YouTube

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SadandAngry

· #8 · Nov 13, 2012

JillValentine724 said:
A very valid question SadandAngry. One that I need to answer, soon.

Thank you.

You already know what the answer is, don't you? What the only answer that will salvage you for yourself. The only answer that will stop the pain and the betrayal. Count yourself lucky if you don't have kids, and end this sad chapter of your life. There are good men out there, no reason to settle for pond scum.

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Acabado

· #9 · Nov 13, 2012

JillValentine724 said:
I confronted him about it, he admitted it and was very nonchalant about it. He told me that the reason he did not tell me he had lunch with her was because he didnt want to deal with my "over reaction". He told me nothing happened and we agreed that from now on, we have to start telling each other things, even if it grants a reaction or not.

NOt the point at all, nad you are fallin in the same trap. Married people don't have solo lunches, dinners, encounters with exes, former sex partners. It's a matter of boundaires, what's appropiate or not, what's respectful or not.
You need to "get it". I hightly doubt he'll get it. He's basically telling you he will keep behaving innapropiately only he will do it openly. Many people condut affairs at plain sight.
He won't ever renounce to hie lies, that's the way he control the world even it's "just" omiting. Huge issue.

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rrrbbbttt

· #10 · Nov 13, 2012

"Honestly looked like a changed man"

Emphasis on the "Looked".

I fear you are in a relationship that will only end in your sorrow.

If you are set on continuing this marriage, please do not have children for several years. Otherwise, they will end up being shuttled between you and this man who looked like he changed but had a Sexual affair before your wedding and has a date with an x after you have been married.

Must have a great line of BS when he explains these things to you.

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alte Dame

· #11 · Nov 13, 2012

It sounds like your heart doesn't want to let go, but your head is telling you that the writing is on the wall. That's why you've decided to post here.

It might be years before what you feel and what you know are on the same page, but they will be eventually, because your H is a liar and cheat. In the meantime, you'll be driven crazy and very hurt by his lies and betrayals.

You can do the hard work of getting over him now. You will eventually have to do that work & I believe it will be much harder later on, after he's had more time to wear you down, damage your self-esteem, and make you feel needy and ashamed that you are letting him walk all over you.

Believe me, it will be easier to cut your losses now.

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Numb-badger

· #12 · Nov 14, 2012

JillValentine724 said:
It really is silly to say but I did fall hopelessly in love with him so my heart believed that he has changed.

Is that true, or did you really believe that this man would change for you?

It's a very, very common error of judgement for people (especially hopeful women) to hold onto the desire that a previous player, once they've been picked, really will change their ways.

People never, ever change their behaviours unless it is in their own interests or a matter of survival to do so.

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