Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello

I haven’t posted since my husband moved out in summer this year.

I’m still struggling 5 months later. I’ve tried so hard to be calm around him and generally things are amicable.

But I still can’t get over the shock. I suspect that he may have had his head turned by someone but he denies this. He was secretive with his phone, staying out very late, detached from me, disappeared for hours alone. He is still friends with this woman.

I feel so afraid of the future. Both my parents have passed away and I miss their support. I never thought that I’d lose them and then my husband. I thought I could always rely on him.

He has nothing good to say about our marriage, I had no idea he’d been so unhappy for so long. I know that there were fun times but he appears to have forgotten them.

I’m scared of what the future holds. We have 2 teens (living with me) and he is renting a place nearby. He doesn’t communicate with me about the future or whether he wants to divorce. But says it is over and he has no feelings for me at all. He blames me and says I was a terrible wife and caused him misery. That hurts a great deal. He has a completely altered personality and is callous and cold.

I guess it hits hard at this time of year. Thank you for reading. I am trying to arrange some counselling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
636 Posts
First of all, welcome to TAM. Sorry that you are in this situation.

I think you know what is going on here. Your husband has checked out of the marriage. All signs point to him having an affair partner.
Rewriting marital history, secretive behaviour.

While i understand your devastation and sadness, it is time for you to turn this around. Why are you not angry? Why are you waiting for him to file?
Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. Find out what you are entitled to and file. He doesn’t get to control the narrative here.
He's got it great. His own place, free babysitter, bachelor lifestyle. Why are you supporting this?

Make him feel the effects of his selfishness. Child support or alimony if applicable. Do the 180. Start to put yourself first.

Ask yourself honestly. Would you want him back the way he is now?
You want the old him back, but who was he really? The biggest shock for people is finding out they didnt really know someone they thought they did. Shakes you to your core. You start to doubt yourself. Dont do that.

Did you make mistakes? YUP. Everybody does.
Were you as crappy a wife as he says? I doubt it.
Stop trying to do the pick me dance.
Get to counselling..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Hello Aquarius

Thank you, very much. I have just managed to book a counselling session.

The whole thing has indeed shaken me to the core.

If there is someone else, I am really worried about how and when I will find out. .

It hurts so much. Thank you for replying to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
Hello

I haven’t posted since my husband moved out in summer this year.

I’m still struggling 5 months later. I’ve tried so hard to be calm around him and generally things are amicable.

But I still can’t get over the shock. I suspect that he may have had his head turned by someone but he denies this. He was secretive with his phone, staying out very late, detached from me, disappeared for hours alone. He is still friends with this woman.

I feel so afraid of the future. Both my parents have passed away and I miss their support. I never thought that I’d lose them and then my husband. I thought I could always rely on him.

He has nothing good to say about our marriage, I had no idea he’d been so unhappy for so long. I know that there were fun times but he appears to have forgotten them.

I’m scared of what the future holds. We have 2 teens (living with me) and he is renting a place nearby. He doesn’t communicate with me about the future or whether he wants to divorce. But says it is over and he has no feelings for me at all. He blames me and says I was a terrible wife and caused him misery. That hurts a great deal. He has a completely altered personality and is callous and cold.

I guess it hits hard at this time of year. Thank you for reading. I am trying to arrange some counselling.


Also, we had booked a family holiday which he was very keen to still go on ‘as friends’, which we did. I would have thought that if there was OW, he’d try to get out of that holiday but he didn’t. He did disappear a few times for lengthy period with his phone on holiday. I did ask him why. He reassured me again that there’s no one else. Would OW put up with this? Wouldn’t she want him to herself? He is so committed to his children. I just don’t know.

.
Cheaters lie, and because your parents passed 10 yes ago a husband is supposed to help their spouse heal, if they love them.

I know we are only getting your side but, he has another woman and this was before he moved out. He was testing his options, to see which served him better. The other women won out.

Good riddance, is what you should be thinking. And don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out.

Yes she would want him to herself. But he was lying to her also. Go to the lawyer and file. He's not worthy of you hanging around to play the pick me dance. Boot his ass, and make him pay if not child support, or alimony then to help his kids in college if they choose.

And believe him when he says, that your marriage is over and that he has no feelings for you. It is because he has another woman. Let her have this piece of crap. He will do to her what he has done to you. I am glad your getting some counseling. It will help you move forward. Play no more games change the locks on the house, and prepare yourself for the ending of the marriage he threw away.

And do not ever give yourself to him, physically or mentally he doesn't deserve to play in your mind.

A new life for you is on the horizon, do make the best of it. And when men come to you, don't go fast you need a minimum of 1 year, or you'll be in a rebound relationship. Don't do that.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,672 Posts
Yes, there’s another woman. Who knows what he told her in order to take that trip. Maybe he said it was just for the kids. It doesn’t really matter. What does really matter is that you start to rebuild your life. Even if you just take one small step today toward moving on it will make you feel better about yourself. Try it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,694 Posts
Delilah, VERY sorry you are going through this.
A few things that YOU should do:
1)Make sure you exercise (helps with stres), eat right, and get enough sleep
2)Stay close and do things with your kids (I'm sure you do this already)
3)LOOK at your finances. You may find things charged on the CC that you were not aware of. Separate your funds from his, close out any credit cards that you have joint and get your own, etc.. Get ALL of your financial documents together -- you will need them for ..
4)Go see a lawyer or three. You need to understand WHAT can happen in the divorce -- child custody, child support, alimony, house, financial investments, retirement plans, etc.. This will give YOU the information you need to NOT be so afraid of the future -- you will know roughly what to expect and let YOU make the decisions about your life and not wait around for him.
5)Start doing the "180" (others can send you the details. This is so that YOU can start detaching from him.
6)Maintain/build YOUR own support system. Do you have friends/siblings/etc. that you can discuss things with? I know it's rough without your parents, but hopefully you have people you can talk with.
7)Start doing a hobby you've always wanted, get out and meet folks (meetup.com has LOTS of gatherings -- this is NOT a hookup/dating site! -- just depends on what you like to do). You need to start your OWN life as a separate entity from your H.

It is GREAT that you are going to get counseling -- I think it will help. Realize that HE is trying to re-write your history (terrible wife, unhappy for so long, good times forgotten, etc.) -- it's ALL BS -- this is what cheaters do to justify to themselves why they are entitled to the affair. The secretiveness with the phone, leaving for hours, etc. -- it all does point to cheating. Do you have access to his phone? If he says that he is NOT having an affair, then say "Let me see your phone for a while". I BET he will not give it up.

Please make sure you take time for yourself and STOP thinking about him. Get your plans together of what YOU want out of life (stop thinking about the "both" of you). Easier said than done, but you CAN do it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,477 Posts
Had he talked to you about disappointments before he left. I don't think everyone who leaves does so because they are cheating, but those who leave at kind of a drop of a hat more then likely do so because as you said "They have their head turned."

Assuming there is no cheating my experience suggest that if Men leave it is usually because there is no physical intimacy or the wife is disrespectful to him (Meaning for example talks down to him, embarrasses him by belittling by complaining to others, comparing him unfavorably to other men, openly flirting with other men, going out and acting like you are single.) Those two things will kill a man's love for his wife or at least let it dry up and die.

Do you think any of that happened in your marriage?
 
  • Like
Reactions: SunCMars

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,559 Posts
Hello Aquarius

Thank you, very much. I have just managed to book a counselling session.

The whole thing has indeed shaken me to the core.

If there is someone else, I am really worried about how and when I will find out. .

It hurts so much. Thank you for replying to me.
Ok, this is where I stopped reading...

So what some are already saying and I am trying to be more blunt.

HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, you need to understand this. He had been having an affair. This is why he left.

There is not really much doubt about it. But you are keeping yourself in limbo by being in denial about it.

It is time for action, yesterday in fact.

File for divorce, and move on...
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,496 Posts
He has nothing good to say about our marriage, I had no idea he’d been so unhappy for so long. I know that there were fun times but he appears to have forgotten them.

I’m scared of what the future holds. We have 2 teens (living with me) and he is renting a place nearby. He doesn’t communicate with me about the future or whether he wants to divorce. But says it is over and he has no feelings for me at all. He blames me and says I was a terrible wife and caused him misery. That hurts a great deal. He has a completely altered personality and is callous and cold.
This is, sadly, very normal. When a person gets to the point that your husband is at, their mentally re-write the history of the marriage. I was probably not unhappy all that time. But now that's how he remembers it. If the relationship can be repaired, he would go back to remembering the good times.

Whether he is having an affair or not, it think you should handle this as though he is because he seems to be in a similar mental state. Get the book "Surviving an Affair", it will inform you on what's going on in his head. It will also give you ideas on what to do.

After that book read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Do the work that they say to do. If he will go to counseling with you and/or work on your relationship after you do all the work from these books, ask him to read them with you and the two of you do the work the books talk about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Your husband may not be cheating. Men leave for various reasons, not just for another woman. I left because my wife only identified as being a mother and a daughter when my kids were born. She neglected her responsibilities of being a wife. I was disrespected as a husband.

Your husband tried to tell you this but it didn’t sink in. He detached and left. Maybe or maybe not for another woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,932 Posts
Your husband may not be cheating. Men leave for various reasons, not just for another woman. I left because my wife only identified as being a mother and a daughter when my kids were born. She neglected her responsibilities of being a wife. I was disrespected as a husband.

Your husband tried to tell you this but it didn’t sink in. He detached and left. Maybe or maybe not for another woman.
Then why be secretive with his phone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,263 Posts
Your marriage is for sure over ...... but I don't believe you were a terrible wife. If that is true then why didn't he raise the issue up with you while you were together.

He didn't bring it up because it is not true! He is rewriting history to justify his actions and nothing more.

I would imagine it is pretty lonely and hitting hard this time of year as you say.

You never know .....it may seem like a real far off crazy idea right now....but maybe 2020 is the year you meet your next man!!!

Chin up ...... I HIGHLY recommend you proceed with divorce and start the process yourself. You are allowing him to control you by keeping you in limbo.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Your husband may not be cheating. Men leave for various reasons, not just for another woman. I left because my wife only identified as being a mother and a daughter when my kids were born. She neglected her responsibilities of being a wife. I was disrespected as a husband.

Your husband tried to tell you this but it didn’t sink in. He detached and left. Maybe or maybe not for another woman.
Then why be secretive with his phone?
IDK. Only he does. For all I know he’s on a marriage site planning his escape.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
I just read OP's posts. I'm in the exact same situation as you were last summer. Feeling very lonely and scared. Like a nightmare. Even the words your husband said, the excuses he used and his behavior, everything is the same as what I'm going through. My husband just moved out. He didn't bother to tell me. One night I noticed he had not come back all night. Asked him in the morning and he said he had rented a place nearby. He is such a decent man that I never ever thought it possible he'd have another woman. But he also said he had been unhappy for so long, and he wants out. He used things I supposedly said or did ten years ago to justify why he's leaving. I still don't know where he has moved to, whether there's another woman, or how I'm going to deal with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
228 Posts
I just read OP's posts. I'm in the exact same situation as you were last summer. Feeling very lonely and scared. Like a nightmare. Even the words your husband said, the excuses he used and his behavior, everything is the same as what I'm going through. My husband just moved out. He didn't bother to tell me. One night I noticed he had not come back all night. Asked him in the morning and he said he had rented a place nearby. He is such a decent man that I never ever thought it possible he'd have another woman. But he also said he had been unhappy for so long, and he wants out. He used things I supposedly said or did ten years ago to justify why he's leaving. I still don't know where he has moved to, whether there's another woman, or how I'm going to deal with it.
You might want to start a new thread with your story to prevent a hijack on this one. People here will try to help. Welcome to TAM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Hi Mirage

I’m so sad to read your post.

It all seemed so confusing to me last summer but I’ve become very well read on the subjects of affairs and midlife crisis since then.

Search online and read everything you can about these subjects. And YouTube have many very helpful videos too.

Turns out the way my H behaved was textbook midlife crisis/affair.

Following the advise you’ll read will be very hard but worthwhile. I have never had to dig so deep to act calm when at times I was raging or crying inside but the approach had worked and kept me sane.

The posters in this site are amazingly supportive.

I thought my life was over and my future bleak last summer but now the sun is appearing. I feel happy, I’m thriving in fact. You won’t believe it now but I can promise you that you’ll come though the rain like I did.

Hang it there, it’ll be bumpy ahead. Get reading and good luck.

Delilah x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Ask yourself honestly. Would you want him back the way he is now?
You want the old him back, but who was he really? The biggest shock for people is finding out they didnt really know someone they thought they did. Shakes you to your core. You start to doubt yourself. Dont do that.
I agree with this so much. I am currently in the same position. Staying strong is difficult in these times. Try creating some boundaries and stick with them. Its extremely hard at first but it will give you strength.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
Hello

I haven’t posted since my husband moved out in summer this year.

I’m still struggling 5 months later. I’ve tried so hard to be calm around him and generally things are amicable.

But I still can’t get over the shock. I suspect that he may have had his head turned by someone but he denies this. He was secretive with his phone, staying out very late, detached from me, disappeared for hours alone. He is still friends with this woman.

I feel so afraid of the future. Both my parents have passed away and I miss their support. I never thought that I’d lose them and then my husband. I thought I could always rely on him.

He has nothing good to say about our marriage, I had no idea he’d been so unhappy for so long. I know that there were fun times but he appears to have forgotten them.

I’m scared of what the future holds. We have 2 teens (living with me) and he is renting a place nearby. He doesn’t communicate with me about the future or whether he wants to divorce. But says it is over and he has no feelings for me at all. He blames me and says I was a terrible wife and caused him misery. That hurts a great deal. He has a completely altered personality and is callous and cold.

I guess it hits hard at this time of year. Thank you for reading. I am trying to arrange some counselling.
F'n ass he is, Delilah1971, don't give this creep any space in your head he's screwed with you so long you become a little co-dependent, please read up on this. You will not need him and he hasn't been there for you a long time.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3Xnocharm
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Top