Talk About Marriage banner

101 - 120 of 153 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant. She also said she wants things to just be normal. Exactly how they used to be. Which doesn't make sense to me because I was neglecting her during those times.
What she is telling you is that she wants to continue planning her exit from the marriage while having an affair without your interfering.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Never called you dumb. Actually half my family is evangelical. But I feel like quoting the Bible to fix a relationship never works.
Perhaps you don't realize how you come across, but that's exactly how it sounded to me especially after calling one member a crackpot. You are not coming across well.
Ok well I am sorry, I am really not trying to come accros rude. Will be better with my words!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,575 Posts
Ok well I am sorry, I am really not trying to come accros rude. Will be better with my words!
We all get emotionally involved because we ALL care,. But we need to try and respect each other in order to keep the peace.

OP ( original poster) will decide what can and can not work for his situation. He knows his wife's emotional affair needs to go. He is on target right there. Nothing he does to win her back will work because she in NOT emotionally invested in her relationship with OP. Her allegiance is with OM ( other man).

Oh my goodness, just knowing another man exists in this marriage is painful for me to write; it must be mind boggling and cruel for OP to accept. The power of a third person in the middle of a marriage with two kids is probably the worst thing that could happen in a neuclear family. An atomic bomb just got dropped on this 4 member family, and it was not absentee husband that detonated it. It was remorseless, unfaithful wife using husband's past transgressions as an excuse for her infidelity.

Two wrongs a right will NEVER make!

She just compounded this mess times a hundred! What a darn foolish move on her part. Now the only way out is either to end the affair and quit her job, or lose the marriage and impact the innocent kids that didn't ask for any of this.

That is why people that have affairs at work should be aware that you don't poop where you eat so to speak. She cannot stay in that job! No freaking way can she stay if the marriage stands a chance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
733 Posts
OP

you painted a pretty bleak picture of your treatment of your marriage when you were so focused on your job.

I want to ask you something.....is this your wife's description or yours?

there is a term thrown around here called "re-writing history". its often used by waywards (CHEATERS in my book) to justify what they are doing. In many cases as the affair progresses, the cheaters will drum up and amplify every little wrong they have suffered (many times imagined by the cheater). And even worse, you are now on an "uneven" playing field.....its all rainbows and unicorns with the affair partner and you are battling a river of overblown accusations and conjured situations that will grown in intensity.

others have said there is ZERO chance of honesty addressing issues/problems in your marriage while there is a third party involved and I agree.

if your treatment of here was so horrible she could have left the relationship....but didn't. that tiny fact completely undermines her credibility. getting into in affair cheapens her authenticity of her complaints with you.

your posts have all the classic red flag waring signs that she is deeply emotionally connected to this person and its higly probably she is sleeping with him.

sorry but you need to take an entirely different approach to handling this situation you are in. read up in the coping with infidelity section and see how your story matches up with so many others that fin themselves in your situation
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,458 Posts
@No Longer Lonely Husband and @farsidejunky,
I think it might be helpful for the OP to see your threads. Your situations were vastly different, but you took the same kind of approach of holding your spouses accountable for their bad behavior. You have both also taken responsibility for your own parts in the marriage problems and sought to work with your wives to make better and healthier marriages. Would you each mind posting links to your threads so the OP can see how it works? Your threads are full of real life examples of how you did it.

I think some people think the approach we are advocating is about getting angry and taking down the spouse, but that's not it at all. It's about not sticking one's head in the sand, but facing reality and dealing with it head on in a reasoned manner.

Burning a bed may not seem reasonable, but it is. It is a blazing metaphor that brings reality home.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
CynthiaDe, I had to request removal of my thread at request of legal counsel due a certain situation with POSOM,(long story I cant discuss). MC said it was probably good, too, to do so. However, I can affirm being timid will accomplish absolutely nothing. Yeah, now I wish I had not burned that bed, but it drove home my point that I was pissed. I hope I never get that angry again.

The advice I received on this site did not seem logical at first, but once put into practice did the trick. I had to fake it till I made it so to speak. It was hard to be indifferent until I really came to grips with the situation at hand. @andrewh had better get a handle on things or there will be no chance of saving his marriage. If he digs down deep inside of himself he can do it.

Andrew, I would strongly encourage you to expose if you wish to save your marriage. But get her phone by any means necessary and find you a technologically savvy individual and see what she has been texting. Gather all information you can. In a situation such as you are in knowledge is critical, and knowledge is power. Snoop around the house for lingerie you may not recognize or in the trunk of her car. I found some racy lingerie in a closet in our guest bedroom which confirmed my suspicions amongst other things.

Personally, if it was me, I would pay the OM a social call and ask what the hell he is doing texting a married woman. A woman who happens to be his wife.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,787 Posts
Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.
I live in the midwest and am an agnostic. And I subscribe wholeheartedly to the majority opinion on this thread. I would've burned the bed, too.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,458 Posts
CynthiaDe, I had to request removal of my thread at request of legal counsel due a certain situation with POSOM,(long story I cant discuss). MC said it was probably good, too, to do so. However, I can affirm being timid will accomplish absolutely nothing. Yeah, now I wish I had not burned that bed, but it drove home my point that I was pissed. I hope I never get that angry again.
That's too bad. There was so much good advice in there and so many examples of how it worked.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,743 Posts
Alright well then I’m completely off.
The first accurate thing you have posted on this thread.

How long have you been married MISS Milly?

@andrewh
How you doin' bud?
Come back and let us know how you're coping.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,743 Posts
Lol... since November ! HOWEVER I am looking to start studying to become a couple therapist
Seriously?
Have you ever thought of veterinary school?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Where's Waldo?
Conan,

He probably feels we are beating up on him. I know I did at first as boy howdy did I get some lumber to my head from some wise posters. I needed it, too. Helped me get out of the funk I was in and take the necessary action. @andrewh, please do not take offense sir. We are the folks who have been there and done that.

I will be the first to admit I was weak as a kitten as I was shaken to my core. Made several tactical mistakes initially, blaming myself, trying to romance her back,etc. I have taken a round and that wound did not hurt at all compared to the pain of my wife’s betrayal. I and others have a pretty good idea where your head is at currently.

There are no unwinnable situations. You must develop a battle plan. Consider getting yourself a pad of paper and make a checklist of what you need to do. It is imperative you hack her phone. The truth lies there.
While she is asleep take her phone. Hide it until you get it to a professional who can crack the code. You are at war for your marriage.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,458 Posts
One of the hardest aspect of this is when a betrayed spouse loves his wife and wants to win her back, rather do what he feels might drive him away. It can be extremely difficult to see that trying to win a wayward back will usually have the opposite impact, because that person is involved with someone else and in a fantasy world with the other man/woman. I can imagine that @andrewh is feeling that way now.

All of this can be confusing to process. A betrayed spouse comes here to find out how to win his wife back and hears things that sound counterintuitive to doing that.

But what you are hearing from the majority of us is what actually is most likely to work. Nothing will work 100% of the time, but if you truly want to save your marriage you are going to have to be willing to lose it. Continuing along the lines of what you have been doing is likely to drive her away.

While it is true that she may become angry or even enraged when you stop allowing her to pull the wool over your eyes, that isn't your fault. People get angry when they get caught. But that is usually the only way they are ever going to come clean or repent. If someone never admits what they are doing, they are unlikely to ever stop doing it. The reason why people change is that staying the same is uncomfortable. Making her comfortable in her betrayal isn't going to save your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
Personally, if it was me, I would pay the OM a social call and ask what the hell he is doing texting a married woman. A woman who happens to be his wife.


Been waiting for someone to recommend this. I agree 1000% percent; however, be smart about this Andrew - my situation a while back was not too dissimilar and I went a little overboard and it ended up costing me in the long run but could have been worse all things considering. You know this guys number, you can find out where he lives. Call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay way from your wife. Then work on fixing things with your woman. Hope thinhs work out for you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,458 Posts
[/B]

Been waiting for someone to recommend this. I agree 1000% percent; however, be smart about this Andrew - my situation a while back was not too dissimilar and I went a little overboard and it ended up costing me in the long run but could have been worse all things considering. You know this guys number, you can find out where he lives. Call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay way from your wife. Then work on fixing things with your woman. Hope thinhs work out for you.
This is a reasonable thing to do. No threats are necessary. Simply tell the man that you are married to the woman he is pursuing and that makes him a terrible person who is trying to break up your family and break your children's hearts. I've seen it work. There are various factors to this. #1 it shocks the other man out of the fantasy world where the woman belongs to him alone. #2 it opens his eyes to the fact the there is a real husband and real children involved in this who he is complicit in harming.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
This is a reasonable thing to do. No threats are necessary. Simply tell the man that you are married to the woman he is pursuing and that makes him a terrible person who is trying to break up your family and break your children's hearts. I've seen it work. There are various factors to this. #1 it shocks the other man out of the fantasy world where the woman belongs to him alone. #2 it opens his eyes to the fact the there is a real husband and real children involved in this who he is complicit in harming.
Cynthia were was ya when I needed you a few years ago LOL. needed someone to tell me a better approach than what I did. Anyhow Andrew tell this guy to stay the f**k way from your wife!!!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,458 Posts
Cynthia were was ya when I needed you a few years ago LOL. needed someone to tell me a better approach than what I did. Anyhow Andrew tell this guy to stay the f**k way from your wife!!!
It took me far too long to understand these things, but I've been learning and seeing how this stuff works in real life. Hopefully sharing what I've learned with others is of help to some.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,020 Posts
OP..... what has happened, has happened. You can only move forward. You have recommitted to

the M. She is engaging with another man. You know this. He must go for your M to have a chance.

My advice is two-fold. Ask to see her phone. If she says no, smile and walk away.

Wait an hour.... ask her again. If she says no, place D papers in her lap, with your parts signed.

-Honey are you @#%%$ serious?- "Try me"

Then....you may get answers. What type of answers.... can't say. But she will show her hand, that I promise.

Only then will you truly know where you stand.
 
101 - 120 of 153 Posts
Top