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Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”
LMAO and Jussie Smollet claimed he was accosted by 2 white dudes wearing MAGA hats at 2 in the morning in Chicago who tied a noose around his neck. Sorry I call BS when I see it. His wife is checked out and moving on but make sure you give this guy good advice how to save his marriage like treating her to pleasant adventures.
 

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First off, you shouldn’t have to sneak to find out what’s going on. She is clearly texting another man. She’s told you that flat out. What you want to know is what the texts are about, but has her phone on lockdown. Don’t ask her anything. Tell her you want her to put a password on her phone, so you have access to it and you want to see the messages between her and the other man right now. If she says “no,” then you do the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

Your wife has already told you that she doesn’t like the wussy approach, so you need to step up and be a man of integrity and strength. Don’t try to nice her. Yes, you need to make some changes. You neglected your wife and now she’s in an emotional affair with another man that she isn’t even hiding from you. Trying to get her to pick you is going to make things worse.

The best thing to do is to get into therapy for yourself as soon as possible, find a new job, engage with the children, and to tell your wife it’s him or you and if she doesn’t want you that you can start splitting household now. Wait until you have a new job if you think that’s best, but do not allow her to have a man on the side. That’s disgusting and not going to work out for you. Let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to resolve your marriage issues, but not alone. Either you two are in it together or there is no marriage to work on.

@andrewh
I posted @CynthiaDe 's post again because everything you need is in there with the exception of the fact that you DO NOT need to buy her anything to reward her having an affair, at the very least an emotional affair. That's bad advice ... period. She's hiding it from you, so she knows damn well it's inappropriate. Work affairs are some of the hardest to catch. You can take half of the responsibility for the marriage problems but none of her affair is on you. Zero, Zip, Nada, None. As a few posters have already advised you, you need to take hard and decisive action. Playing "pick me" never works it portrays you as weak to even contemplate competing for your own wife. It sounds to me she has already checked out. A handful of divorce papers may wake her up, but it may not. You need to be prepared either way, and I'd wager having her served is likely your only chance to save things. You can always stop the process if you get things worked out.
 

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Look, you WILL NOT save your marriage if your wife is actively engaged in an emotional affair. You need to a) LOOK at your phone bill -- you may find that these "texts" go back a lot longer than 4 weeks, b) ask her to see her phone and the texts with this guy directly, and NOT give her time to go and remove texts. If she says NO then you no that this is at the LEAST a very deep EA and possibly already a PA. If she says NO, then ask why DIRECTLY. You need to tell her that you being a **** husband is not an excuse for her to cheat on you. If she wants that, then she should have divorced you. What you did sucks, but so it what she is doing.
You can't "nice" her back into a marriage if she is carrying on an affair (EA or PA). There are only two in a marriage, not three or more.

Also, she works with him -- so you have NO idea what they are/have gotten into at work. Find this guys number and find out who he is.

Also, you need to work on YOU and get YOUR **** together. Go to counseling, learn how to be involved in your relationships and not be emotionally distant. Work is work, but your family is LIFE.
 

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Forgiving her wont be the issue. It just needs to stop. But it will be interesting since she works with the guy.
No, if she continues working with this man, it won't be "interesting". You'll lose her, is what will happen. If your marriage is to recover, her contact with this other man has to cease.

I would, together with your wife, find a marriage counselor you both like. It's important she be a part of selecting the counselor, so she doesn't view them as being "your" counselor, or as being on your side. Once the counselor is up to speed, I would ask her to resign from the company during one of your sessions. If she's not willing to do that, then your marriage is likely toast, and you should do the 180, as recommended previously.
 

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Luckily we aren't hurting money wise. I was paid nicely and we have a decent amount in savings. What are your thoughts on affection? We had a few talks and she used to be very affectionate. Now she says she doesn't like much of that anymore and she isn't used to it. I asked to hold her hand when we were in public and other times I would just grab it. Ive been very gentle and offered a foot rub, I have been rubbing her back, but I asked to cuddle while we watched our shows and she said shed rather not. We were intimate Friday night but I had to ask if it was ok. She agreed and it was almost normal but felt emotionless. Our sex life used to be very good. That night was the first time in 3 weeks. I took her out yesterday and today. Made sure it was all about her. She couldn't stay off her phone, anytime I was away she would be texting. It drives me crazy
Andrew, yes you screwed up in how you treated your wife and now her feelings for you have died and she is trying to make you suffer with this flirtation with the other guy.

You have to be a leader and decisive. YOu have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. Her being a Christian doesn't mean she cannot cheat.

1. Acknowledge the pain you have caused her
2. Seek individual counselling to find out why you put work first and above your family
3. Seek Marriage counselling together
4. Tell her she has to stop texting this other guy other wise all bets are off and you will file for divorce because it is tantamount to an emotional affair.
5. Do the 180 on her, no begging, crying etc. Tell her you are willing to make things better but she must meet you half way.
 

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You have been given stellar advice from Several posters not to buy a ring as I concur it seems to be a reward for bad behavior. You mention your wife is a Christian, my FWW is too. Went to mass almost daily while carrying out an affair for nine months. Christian women can and will cheat.Our stories are similar as I was a workaholic and spent too much time building my business when I should have been building my marriage.

I caught my wife, vascilated as to the course of action, blamed myself as you are doing, tried to be mr. Nice guy. Didn’t work. Thankfully I was the recipient of good advice from some of the seasoned veterans on here. I changed direction,went ballistic, told her I was done, took our heirloom bed to my farm and burned it. I videoed the burning on my phone and sent it to her with a profane message as to what she could do. I took off to our place in Florida for six weeks, had lawyers draft papers,had my businesses valued by my CPA, let her know I was done with her ****. She chased me down to our condo, and I sent her back home and took off to another location where she could not find me.

Point being, if I was mr nice guy and took the “sorry honey” approach, I would be divorced. Women are wired to respect strength. You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Took me a while to grasp this. Seems counter intuitive, but it is true.

Exposure can kill this affair in its early stages. I for one am a fan of exposure if saving your marriage is your primary goal. Expose to her parents, and your parents.

From your posts it appears to me she is about 90% checked out. Be bold. 180 180 180!

Ps: Consider reading “Grow a Pair” by Larry Winget.
 

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Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant.
You need to get the notion out of your head that you're "helping her" when you do things around the house.

She's working outside the home, is that correct?

Then you BOTH have 50% shares of what you need to do inside the home. You're simply doing your SHARE, you're not doing her some big grand favor.
 

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No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.
Sorry, but I highly doubt the OP buying her some expensive piece of jewelry or an engagement ring is going to suddenly MAGICALLY make her love him again.

And quite honestly, it's not a given that she's 'trying to hurt him' just because she hasn't left him and because she chooses to text her 'friend' in front of the OP. It really seems more like she simply doesn't give a rat's ass if he knows she's texting this guy or not.

I get the clear impression the OP's wife is just about to the point of being indifferent. Ain't no expensive ring going to change THAT. OP save your money. Seriously.
 

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Sorry, but I highly doubt the OP buying her some expensive piece of jewelry or an engagement ring is going to suddenly MAGICALLY make her love him again.
Missmilly thinks that gifts are what love is about, so her advice of course is going to be material-centric.
@andrewh, your wife MUST end her EA in order for you to work on the marriage. Stop all the foot massages and kisisng up, all you are doing is rewarding her for cheating on you. Follow the advice of NoLongerLonelyHusband. Being a whiny wuss isnt going to save this... being strong and decisive might, its the only chance you have. She needs to end her affair, and be 100% transparent with you, giving you full access to her phone, emails, social media, etc. Even though you may have been doing wrong in your husband role, she is the one who is betraying your marriage. If she was that unhappy, then she should have ended it, its never ok to turn to another man. The sooner you realize that SHE is to blame for what she is doing, the sooner you can get to saving or ending this... which may be one in the same, you have to be willing to end it to save it.
 

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Let me echo the other posters saying to confront this head on. I would go online and look at the phone bill first so you know how often they are texting and then demand she show you her phone.

As someone who cheated I am going to let you in on a couple of secrets. Most contact with the OP is NOT well hidden. I would guess 98% of WS text their OP right in front of their spouse. Each contact from the OP is like a drug and they will take it whenever and wherever they can get it - their is no thought of the spouse at all, they don’t exist in that moment. And then the WS can use their ability to contact the OP with the spouse present as a reason to justify the affair in the first place. “see, Andrew doesn’t give a **** about me so much that I can text another man and he doesn’t even notice.”

I texted my OP from the children’s room of our Catholic Church during Sunday Mass. The presence of my kids, fellow worshippers, Fr Murphy and the Father, Son and Holy Ghost could not prevent me from getting that emotional fix. Oh, and my Mom was an alter server at Mass - didn’t matter in that moment.

The best lies are built on partial truth. She may have told you there was a guy at work interested in her to wake you up. She may also have said that so if you happen to see a text pop up from him like “I miss you” she had a built in story for it “oh, that is that guy I told you about from work. He is creepy but harmless”.

My first husband cheated and was a pretty lousy partner and I used that to justify my own behavior. When my affair was discovered he was very wishy washy because he bought into the false idea that HIS bad behavior caused mine and he deserved it. At the point he discovered it, my affair was still an emotional affair. But he wallowed in shame for his past behaviors and that gave me the justification fuel to take the affair underground and make it physical. To me he was even less of a man for trying to placate me. I left for the OP and married him.

Your post got me thinking - would it have ended different if he confronted me and put his foot down? I honestly don’t know. But I can tell you that would have been the only thing that may have saved us.
 

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Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”
What you don't understand is this: a marriage doesn't work when one partner is cheating. Trying to nice back a cheating spouse rarely works. It seems counter-intuitive, but the best way to fight for a marriage is to be clear that the affair needs to end and she needs to repent or there is no marriage. Rewarding people for cheating is a very bad idea and doesn't end well.
 

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Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”
What you don't understand is this: a marriage doesn't work when one partner is cheating. Trying to nice back a cheating spouse rarely works. It seems counter-intuitive, but the best way to fight for a marriage is to be clear that the affair needs to end and she needs to repent or there is no marriage. Rewarding people for cheating is a very bad idea and doesn't end well.
This forum is great because it’s free counseling but it’s made me realize that it’s hard to give advice that works for a particular stranger because we are all completely different, and the advice I give would work for Me. But maybe not for other women. As for all the men here giving divorce advice, ask them if they are happier since being divorced...
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
Wow really? What should he have done, given her something shiny and a foot rub?
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
What experience do you have with getting a cheating spouse back through being nice? While I agree it seems like it should work, in practice it rarely does. It's like trying to cure cancer with essential oils. When a spouse is trying to win back a cheater by being nice, it only seems to work if the affair runs its course and the cheater comes back because they don't have any other options.
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
That dude is relating his successful reconciliation actions.

Real folks with real cheating spouses with real life results.

Where is your successful reconciliation story?

Is it from a Jennifer Aniston movie?

I agree with your romance advice but that can't take place without confronting and ending her emotional affair.

Those are facts. Where are yours?
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
What experience do you have with getting a cheating spouse back through being nice? While I agree it seems like it should work, in practice it rarely does. It's like trying to cure cancer with essential oils. When a spouse is trying to win back a cheater by being nice, it only seems to work if the affair runs its course and the cheater comes back because they don't have any other options.
Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
P.S.

That guy you called crazy romanced the hell out of his undeserving wife after she ended her affair and took her licks.

He acted in strength both in the confrontation and in his path to divorce her skanky ass.

She blew it, was sharply reminded that she blew it and scrambled to repent.

He then poured his passion into loving her as she recommitted to him.
 

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WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
That dude is relating his successful reconciliation actions.

Real folks with real cheating spouses with real life results.

Where is your successful reconciliation story?

Is it from a Jennifer Aniston movie?

I agree with your romance advice but that can't take place without confronting and ending her emotional affair.

Those are facts. Where are yours?
Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.
 

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Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.
She IS having an affair, she isnt pretending, no one PRETENDS to have an affair! It is at the LEAST an emotional affair so far, very likely that since they work together, it could be physical. If its not physical, putting energy and emotion into someone who is NOT your spouse is infidelity. Remember this when you find YOUR husband texting some other woman... tell yourself he's just pretending....
 
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