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Discussion Starter #41
Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.
 

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Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.
See ? Hard to believe you when you’ve said this before. Now you need to SHOW it in actions. Look, texting or not, be the reason for her to feel bad about it and stop. Be the best man you can be so if you walk out of this at least you can be the one who put in the most effort. So far, you are Not.
 

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Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.
See ? Hard to believe you when you’ve said this before. Now you need to SHOW it in actions. Look, texting or not, be the reason for her to feel bad about it and stop. Be the best man you can be so if you walk out of this at least you can be the one who put in the most effort. So far, you are Not.
And just to add, I would personally forgive an emotional affair if I had treated someone like **** for years...
 

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Affairs are usually well hidden.... she’s kind of leaving it out there to be found out. When someone has an affair, they don’t leave their phone for the other to find the text. They take extreme precautions
My advice remains the same. If she is playing games, she still needs confronted about her behavior.

I have seen women who did not care in the least if their husbands knew. Those same women changed their tune a bit when they had to start answering for their behavior.

She is involved in an EA at least. Unless her co-worker is a complete fabrication.

If she is playing a game, I would still advise OP to proceed because, just as with a cheating spouse, she needs a wake up call.

OP woke up and is willing to work, now it is his wife that needs slapped out of her "fog".
 

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file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.
 

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Look...

Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.

This is not the Kardasians.

She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.

And now she has crossed a line with another man.

She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.

You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Look...

Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.

This is not the Kardasians.

She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.

And now she has crossed a line with another man.

She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.

You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.
What do you mean by further investigate him? Visit him myself or investigate through questioning my wife?
 

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Discussion Starter #49
file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.
lol yeah that's my concern. This is the first time in my life of feeling this way and nothing makes sense anymore.
 

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OP, forget the jewelry. If I were your wife, (especially since you've described her a bit in that area), that would seem tawdry and like you were trying to buy your way back into my heart and it would turn me off in a big way. Don't *****foot around-tell her in no uncertain terms to stop texting this man. She is your wife and sure, your side of the street hasn't been clean because you've been an absentee husband and father, but that certainly doesnt mean your wife can have an emo affair!

I think you've gone to her with your hat in your hand and that's a great beginning. In a previous post you've described how much you've both communicated about your past absence. Keep talking and SHOW her how sorry you are-communication and actions are key. It won't happen overnight. With time, coupled with decisiveness from you demanding she stop this emo affair now, both of you can turn this around. If she won't see a marriage counselor, suggest your church leader for help, see what she says.
 

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Discussion Starter #51
OP, forget the jewelry. If I were your wife, (especially since you've described her a bit in that area), that would seem tawdry and like you were trying to buy your way back into my heart and it would turn me off in a big way. Don't *****foot around-tell her in no uncertain terms to stop texting this man. She is your wife and sure, your side of the street hasn't been clean because you've been an absentee husband and father, but that certainly doesnt mean your wife can have an emo affair!

I think you've gone to her with your hat in your hand and that's a great beginning. In a previous post you've described how much you've both communicated about your past absence. Keep talking and SHOW her how sorry you are-communication and actions are key. It won't happen overnight. With time, coupled with decisiveness from you demanding she stop this emo affair now, both of you can turn this around. If she won't see a marriage counselor, suggest your church leader for help, see what she says.
I agree, one question to this would be what is fair to expect. I mentioned earlier she isn't used to affection and doesn't want a lot of it. Now to me with communication and action that would require some sort of affection to start up again even if its light in the beginning correct? Lets say she stops talking to him, at work who knows how that's handled, would I be out of line to ask for her to step out of her comfort zone for that? Because I believe a strong marriage is one that both sides are ok with showing affection.
 

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First off, you shouldn’t have to sneak to find out what’s going on. She is clearly texting another man. She’s told you that flat out. What you want to know is what the texts are about, but has her phone on lockdown. Don’t ask her anything. Tell her you want her to put a password on her phone, so you have access to it and you want to see the messages between her and the other man right now. If she says “no,” then you do the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

Your wife has already told you that she doesn’t like the wussy approach, so you need to step up and be a man of integrity and strength. Don’t try to nice her. Yes, you need to make some changes. You neglected your wife and now she’s in an emotional affair with another man that she isn’t even hiding from you. Trying to get her to pick you is going to make things worse.

The best thing to do is to get into therapy for yourself as soon as possible, find a new job, engage with the children, and to tell your wife it’s him or you and if she doesn’t want you that you can start splitting household now. Wait until you have a new job if you think that’s best, but do not allow her to have a man on the side. That’s disgusting and not going to work out for you. Let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to resolve your marriage issues, but not alone. Either you two are in it together or there is no marriage to work on.
 

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I agree, one question to this would be what is fair to expect. I mentioned earlier she isn't used to affection and doesn't want a lot of it. Now to me with communication and action that would require some sort of affection to start up again even if its light in the beginning correct? Lets say she stops talking to him, at work who knows how that's handled, would I be out of line to ask for her to step out of her comfort zone for that? Because I believe a strong marriage is one that both sides are ok with showing affection.
Has she always not been a fan of affection throughout your whole marriage or just since she started the emo affair?
 

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Discussion Starter #54
Has she always not been a fan of affection throughout your whole marriage or just since she started the emo affair?
Its been more recent. She has always been very affectionate and used to want nothing but. Even when I was in my bad moments she still was affectionate. So thinking back I would say about 4 weeks ago. Which puts her right when she probably met him.
 

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OP fancy restaurants and jewellery won't fix this. From what you've said, you've gone to your wife metaphorically on your knees and owned your bad behaviour. She now needs to do the same. Yes you made mistakes, that does not give her the right to do what she's doing now.

Stop grovelling and trying to nice her back, it won't work. Time to man up and take charge of the situation. For this to have any chance at all, your wife needs to find another employer. She can't work with this man anymore. I don't care what deadlines they have, your marriage comes first. End of story. If she won't do that, well, basically you're stuffed mate. Once a woman is done, she's done.

If this thread isn't a warning to husbands everywhere to LISTEN when your wife tries to tell you something, I don't know what is.
 

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Its been more recent. She has always been very affectionate and used to want nothing but. Even when I was in my bad moments she still was affectionate. So thinking back I would say about 4 weeks ago. Which puts her right when she probably met him.
You can't force affection if you don't feel it. Right now she doesn't feel it.
 

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Hi, my name is Andrew and im 32 years old. I have a beautiful amazing wife of almost 7 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids together and she was a stay at home mom up until a month ago. My kids are almost 7 and 5. I was in a career that kept me working long hours and a great deal of stress. It was one of those salary paying jobs that work follows you home. On my vacations I was basically working from home. This job over the 8 year span got worse and worse and changed the way I was at home. I was angry, depressed, tired, and when I was home I didn't want to do anything. Long story short I didn't give my wife the attention she deserves. I was rude, I snapped at her for ridiculous things. She tried opening up to me a handful of times and I never wanted to take what she said as the truth on what she felt. The heartache I created for her I can only imagine. I truly love my wife, I adore he best traits and all her flaws, even though there isn't many. She is my light and reason for waking up each morning.

I was recently let go from the job and in my opinion it was needed. The money isn't worth it. Problem is now that the stress and anger is gone I see everything that I have done. She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years. Not even taking the time to notice her feelings. I hope it is not too late. She looks at me different, is distant, doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I don't blame her...I have tried to be more lovey, want to hold hands, offer back rubs, listen to her and try to understand her feelings. Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you
You might want to take a good, long look at the phone bill.
 

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file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.
Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”
 

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Look...

Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.

This is not the Kardasians.

She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.

And now she has crossed a line with another man.

She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.

You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.
If anyone read properly, I first suggested treating her to a pleasant adventure, something she likes, her favorite band, food etc, so that you too can rekindle the joy of being together and sharing fun moments together. Otherwise what is even the point to stay married? Second the ring was meant symbolically as a way to renew your vows. Put an end to a dead marriage and start a new one. OP wants to win the heart of his wife back. Yes her behavior is unacceptable for a married woman, but he claims to have treated her like garbage for years. She started this “ affair” only 4 weeks ago and suddenly OP woke up. Maybe it’s too late, who knows. I think instead of blaming her and making it worse with her he has to win her back and put in some serious effort and actions rather than divorcing and ending up in a shared custody, broken home for his young kids and all the drama. He seems to still love his wife. She seems hurt and confused. He should just do the best he can to fix what he did and win her back the way she as a person can be won back. Maybe jewelry is stupid the point was to make her feel good being with him, show her that he can make huge efforts to make her happy in one way or another.
 

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This forum offers many opinions--often based on experience or preferences of posters. Please look at the number of posts--years of experience--when you are confused about conflicting advice. You know your wife--who she is, what she stands for, what she likes.

IMO: don't try to buy her affection--this situation requires deeper sacrifice and change if you mean what you've said.
 
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