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Discussion Starter #21
If she was texting sitting next to you, then she wanted you to see. (And if she didn't want you to know, she could easily have made up some story about who it was). She is giving you a warning, in a rather indirect, manipulative way.

Don't dwell on the "other guy" situation. Don't talk about it or demand answers. Focus on making any changes in your own behaviour that you want to make, (and on finding another job). Change yourself in whatever way you think is right. That's my advice.
You still feel that way even though if I didn't happen to see who she was texting I would still not know they are texting?
 

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Discussion Starter #25
I agree with Laurentium that you need to clean up your side of the street. However, you cannot ignore it you have to address it and she needs to clean up her side as well.
Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant. She also said she wants things to just be normal. Exactly how they used to be. Which doesn't make sense to me because I was neglecting her during those times.
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Yeah, I think she wanted you to know. Otherwise she would have invented a cover up story.
In my mind she did invent one. When I saw her texting him and asked about her sister and she went with it. She didn't admit to still be texting him. Or do you all think that is something different?
 

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Cheating is unacceptable. However when my husband is rude to me the ONLY thing that makes him back down is if I tell him
That there are many guys waiting to treat me nicely. Maybe she is doing this for revenge because if it was a real affair,
She would cover it up. The fact that she is honest about it means she wants a reaction from you. Please ask her to stop talking to this man, but also make up for the man YOU HAVE BEEN. If I were you. I would go and get her a nice dress ( or heels, a purse, jewelry, whatever your wife likes. ) I don’t care that you were laid off, sell something you don’t need. Go in your savings, get her that thoughtful present. Now take her out but don’t tell her where. Make it a very fancy night out. Cocktails first at the best hotel bar in your area, then 4 course meal. Open up. Share your feelings and how sorry you are , how you haven’t been a me to sleep, eat etc but DONT play the victim. She is the victim not you. She stood by you so many years and raised your kids. I share custody of my 6 year old with my ex. You DO NOT want that. Please save your marriage, put your ego down. After that dinner is done, hopefully a good night of intimacy- rub her feet, her back, treAt her like the queen she is. The next day, send her on a surprise massage and facial. She will forget about whoever she was texting because she will FEEL that her husband is making up for all the neglect. In the end even if it doesn’t work out, at least by putting THE MOST EFFORT YOU CAN PUT, you will blame yourself just a tad less. Good luck!
Luckily we aren't hurting money wise. I was paid nicely and we have a decent amount in savings. What are your thoughts on affection? We had a few talks and she used to be very affectionate. Now she says she doesn't like much of that anymore and she isn't used to it. I asked to hold her hand when we were in public and other times I would just grab it. Ive been very gentle and offered a foot rub, I have been rubbing her back, but I asked to cuddle while we watched our shows and she said shed rather not. We were intimate Friday night but I had to ask if it was ok. She agreed and it was almost normal but felt emotionless. Our sex life used to be very good. That night was the first time in 3 weeks. I took her out yesterday and today. Made sure it was all about her. She couldn't stay off her phone, anytime I was away she would be texting. It drives me crazy
Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!
That's a good point. Yes I will need to do something like that as well. She is very reclusive. Doesn't like people or crowds, doesn't like being in the spotlight. So dazzling her to drop her jaw I will need to put some thought into. She doesn't like jewelry, and I asked to get her a different wedding ring since hers doesn't fit anymore since she lost some weight and she said she hasn't felt married in a couple years anyway. She doesn't like rings that will snag on anything. Do you think if I found a ring in the parameters I know she would like and surprised her with it as something like an I want to start our life over purposal she would love it? Or should I listen to the part when she said she hasn't felt married to don't bother yet?
 

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In my mind she did invent one. When I saw her texting him and asked about her sister and she went with it. She didn't admit to still be texting him. Or do you all think that is something different?
Well, you're there and I am not, you probably know better than I do. From your first #1 post it sounded like she "allowed" you to see the texting but maybe I am wrong.

Like I said, I think your best defence against the other guy is to be the best you that you can be.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
Well, you're there and I am not, you probably know better than I do. From your first #1 post it sounded like she "allowed" you to see the texting but maybe I am wrong.

Like I said, I think your best defence against the other guy is to be the best you that you can be.
oh no the way it happened was we were sitting on the couch together watching our show and she had her phone in her hands texting tilted just a little. but even by turning my head I could see the screen. she didn't know I was looking. but she did offer the info up that someone at her work invested interest. I just didn't know they were freaking texting. She left that out
 

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So before we had our first talk I looked up a marriage counselor for myself. I planned on going to make myself better for her. I told her I was going to go and she said I can if I want but she doesn't believe on other people telling her how to feel. So she wont go with me.
If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.

I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.

If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.

If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.

Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.

You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.

If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.
 

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Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!
That's a good point. Yes I will need to do something like that as well. She is very reclusive. Doesn't like people or crowds, doesn't like being in the spotlight. So dazzling her to drop her jaw I will need to put some thought into. She doesn't like jewelry, and I asked to get her a different wedding ring since hers doesn't fit anymore since she lost some weight and she said she hasn't felt married in a couple years anyway. She doesn't like rings that will snag on anything. Do you think if I found a ring in the parameters I know she would like and surprised her with it as something like an I want to start our life over purposal she would love it? Or should I listen to the part when she said she hasn't felt married to don't bother yet?
No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.
 

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So before we had our first talk I looked up a marriage counselor for myself. I planned on going to make myself better for her. I told her I was going to go and she said I can if I want but she doesn't believe on other people telling her how to feel. So she wont go with me.
If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.

I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.

If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.

If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.

Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.

You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.

If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.

This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...
 

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Discussion Starter #34
If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.

I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.

If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.

If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.

Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.

You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.

If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.
You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.
 

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If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.

I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.

If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.

If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.

Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.

You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.

If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.
You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.
Leave her dad alone she is a grown woman and you don’t need to punish her after hurting her so many years
 

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Discussion Starter #36
No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.
In your opinion what should be the first move though? I am all for buying a new ring, but shouldn't I address the texting? I don't want that to continue.
 

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This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...
I have actually dealt directly and indirectly with infidelity for well over two decades.

Though I disagree with him on other points, Dr. Harley and I are in perfect agreement with this advice.

How many times have you seen the opposite of exposure help to end an affair? Especially if it has been going on for a while?
 

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No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.
In your opinion what should be the first move though? I am all for buying a new ring, but shouldn't I address the texting? I don't want that to continue.
Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
 

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This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...
I have actually dealt directly and indirectly with infidelity for well over two decades.

Though I disagree with him on other points, Dr. Harley and I are in perfect agreement with this advice.

How many times have you seen the opposite of exposure help to end an affair? Especially if it has been going on for a while?
Affairs are usually well hidden.... she’s kind of leaving it out there to be found out. When someone has an affair, they don’t leave their phone for the other to find the text. They take extreme precautions
 

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You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.
A good book in most respects is "His Needs Her Needs". By Dr. Harley.

Since your wife doesn't seem to be in a physical affair, hopefully, following his infidelity advice for your marriage would probably be a good course.

Talking to her first is always a good idea if you are going this route.

Tell her you love her and want her to stop with the other man.
 
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