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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi my name is Javier i am 23 years old and my wife is 20 we been married for 6 months now i love her so much but she does things that hurt me so much. she has a very dark past her parents left her since she was 11 years and felt into a foster house and got treated really bad when she was 15 she meet this girl she lived in a bad neighborhood and meet a guy he was 24 and got her pregnant the guy abused her so much he was mexican and since i am mexican she hates us all. she decided to leave the guy and left him the baby because she was 16 at the time and had nothing for the baby she finally found somewhere to go with her grandparent and never had the support of any of the family members so she is been alone most of her life and never receive real love her brother died the closest to her died i was there for her and she feels that she is so unlucky and that nothing good comes to her. i meet her when she was 17 years i was 20 she told me she liked me and i told her that when she was 18 we can talk about dating so she turn we started dating she told me everything she is been throw and i felt soo bad for here and this was not pity i was more like woow this girl really needs someone that can love her and be there for her.a year and half later she told me that we should get married and to be honest there is nothing i want more in this world that to make her happy so we did end up being married. right now we live in my mothers house and she is always there for us when we need my cousing also lives with us and my cousing is like the older brother i never had but he always had a problem with her all the time they fight and is gotten into a point where i cant eve hang out with him because she gets mad she hates him with a passion her words. well here are the issues well here are the issues my mom loves her and want her to be closer to us but she excludes herself she doesnt want to do nothing with us is like she is living alone she stays in the room all day i cant tell her nothing or she gets extremely mad screams at me and call me alll the things in the book i spoil her in everything but if she doesn't get what she want. is hell for me. i work and she doenst care if i eat she doensnt tell me if i need something nothing. she doesnt work she has all day to do something in the house but if i tell her to help out she gets soo mad saying why do i have to do this is not my house so i end up cleaning and tell my mom that we did it together so she doent think bad about her and i tell he we have to be united we are a family but all she says is that she doesnt have to imprees no one she doesnt care she doesnt even clean our room when i come from work i have to clean it and the sad part is that she is looking at me cleaning and doesn't care or tell me u need help nothing everyday she want to eat out i have to give her money she goes out with her friend and doesn't even tell me i have to force her to say hello to my family members she thinks she can do what ever she want go out when she want come back when she want she doesn't take me serious doesn't respect when i tell her no if i tell her no is hell for me she threats me that she will leave me and i dont want that i want to make her happy because i know if she leaves me she potentially can go in the wrong path i lover but she does so many cruel things to me like kicks me out of the car the Fword is her favorite work i want her to change and be more kind when she gets mad at someone that doesn't want to fix things she want to hate that person. i bought her a car and ever since she is been going out with her friends which is fine but she never tells me i come from work and i see the room a mess and she is not there and comes back at 3 or 4 am and when she heads out she doesn't tell my mom nothing is like she is living alone we worry about her but she doesnt see that tonight i came from work specting her to be in the house after a long talk about this issue and she didnt even care i left to work came back and she was gone she didnt told me a word i feel disrespected and that she doesnt appreciate everything i have done or my mom. my mom has took she shopping and nails hair done all that and she stills doesnt see what she has here with us i really need some opinions about this or what can i do she has a horrible temper like right now is 1 am and she is still gone if she comes back and i start telling her hey why didnt u tell me u were going out she would probably say uhhhh im not a kid anymore i can do what i want how are you to tell me what to do just go outside the room and leave me alone go and spend some time with your family. and that just kills me and she knows that too i am destroy, sad all the time and depress about this situation someone please give me some help or advice.
 

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You're right. Your wife is very troubled. As you can see, loving her won't fix that.

What exactly happened to her parents? This does not sound like a girl who fears abandonment.
I agree. If she feared abandonment she would be hanging about him and doing all kinds of things to make him happy.

She sounds like a girl who has learned to use some ugly behavior to be a wild woman. And she's quite a user of people.
 

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So basically you live in hell.

To be honest, you wife sounds like the girl my step-son married when he got back from Iraq. It was a night mare. They were married for just under 2 years. He ended up divorcing her because her behavior eventually killed any love he had for her. When I read your post I kept seeing my ex-daughter-in-law. She is bi-polar.

Your wife has serious emotional problems. She might have serious mental health issues from that you have described, Narcissist and bi-polar come to mind from your writeup. I’m not saying she has either of them but you might want to do some reading about them.

You cannot heal a person, they have to want to heal and they have to do the work. You can only be supportive of them in their journey.


Your wife does not seem to want to improve or heal. Nothing will improve until she decides she wants it for herself. She will most likely not want this until she hits rock bottom. You and your mothers are supporting her and putting up with her bad behavior so you are both enabling her.. you have helping her not help herself.


You cannot change another person. You can only change the way you interact with them.

A married woman does not spend all of her time out partying with friends. From what you have written, your wife does not really want to be married to you. She just wants a place to live, her bills paid and money to spend. You provide that so get out of her way.

As long as you continue to not set the boundaries for what you will live with she will continue to walk all over you and abuse you. Yes she’s extremely abusive. I’d be surprised if she does not hit you want he wants her way.

So how do you set boundaries?

“Honey, you are right, you are an adult and I cannot tell you what to do. But… I’m an adult too and I can set the boundaries of what I will and will not live with. So here are my boundaries.

I will not allow the following to continue in my life. If you persist in these behaviors just move out… NOW and we will get a divorce. I will not stay married to a woman who….
  • Is not working and yet not home when I get off work.
  • Will not spend time with me.
  • Will not work as hard as I do.. even if that means housekeeping and cooking.
  • Goes out partying and drinking like a wild single person.
  • Uses angry out bursts and abuse to get her way.”

Then you have to be willing to back this up. You bought her a car? She was out going wild and you bought her a car? Take the keys away.

Cut back the money she has access to. If she wants money she will need to get a job. She will also have to pay for 50% of a house keeper to come in and clean since she will not do it.


Tell her that if she chooses to party and come late to just not come home.. ever.

Tell her that to stay married to you, she will have to commit to live within your boundaries and go to marriage counseling with you. Otherwise she can pack her bags and leave.

Please take a look at some of the things in my signature block below...


Look at the 180. This is how you need to interact with her until you get strong enough and man up.

The books about building a passionate marriage... get all 3 of them. You read them. Have her read them if she wants to fix your marriage. Then do what the books say to do. They are a blue print to how to have a very good, strong, affair proof marriage.

You sounds like a really sweet guy who she married cause she knows she can use you. Sorry but it's seems true.
 

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I think you have to change the way you treat her, totally. You know that if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you always felt...
 

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Liten to elegirl she makes a lot of sense.


You can't fix a person that has emotional problems by buying them things or by just letting them walk all over you.

That car and putting up with her out very late us a very bad idea, if she isn't cheating, she will be soon, as I'm sure the group she is out with includes guys or are meeting guys. Her out lie that is not ok for a marriage to thrive.

Her and you going out with friends is ok.

Right now you are paying for and enabling her to live a destructive lifestyle. She has zero boundaries, and zero goals. Very very bad combination.

I don't see this ending well. I think you must enforce boundaries in your relationship, but I think she's not at all committed to the marriage and will just jump to another guy when you standup to her.

Do not have a kid with her.

Get a DNA test on any kid she has if she gets pregnant while carrying on like she is.
 

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Here's what you do:

1) Be a man!

2) Take that list that EleGirl gave you and lay down the law.

3) Cut off the money until the two of you come to an understanding.

4) Take the car keys until the two of you come to an understanding.

5) Do all of the above in the same day. Don't back down.

6) If she straightens up, be good to her. If not, then be willing to lose her.

7) Improve yourself: like new clothes, haircut, start hitting the gym. Make yourself more attractive.

Start with that....
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i understand the thing is she doesnt care about leaving she is very proud if i do that she would just leave and im scare she will go on a bad path also she said that she will divorce me and will take everything from me now i love her and want the best for her sometimes she is good and sometimes she is pure evil like today i beg her to start applying online for a job she told me she will do it so by the end of the night i had to do the applications for her and she had a huge attitude when i ask her for some of her information she is a really proud girl she will have a hard time apologizing she agree to take therapy but i been dealing with this treatment for 6 months i really dont think i deserve this treatment specially after eveything i do for her im just sad all the time i use to be a very happy person now i just want the day to end everyday so i dont have to deal with any of her drama and her temper i know u guys might say dump her but i love her and her childhood well she didnt had one i want for her not to hate life and realize that life can be beautiful if i take the car keys she would go crazy if i cut her off she will make me fell like a failure and call be the worst and so my family doesnt see her true color i just do it so she wont scream at me infront of my family i dont want my family to know how mean she is to me. but im sure the have an idea what do you think i can do or tell her or something to calm her down.
 

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You married a little kid with alot of problems. Unless you're in it for the long haul and can take alot of punishment from her acting like that. It's probably best to cut your losses and run.

I know she needs help but if she won't help herself then in all honesty it's not your job to do it for her. Only married 6 months, get an annulment, and DON'T HAVE A KID WITH HER!

She's not marriage material right now.
 

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You married a little kid with alot of problems. Unless you're in it for the long haul and can take alot of punishment from her acting like that. It's probably best to cut your losses and run.

I know she needs help but if she won't help herself then in all honesty it's not your job to do it for her. Only married 6 months, get an annulment, and DON'T HAVE A KID WITH HER!

She's not marriage material right now.
Teach her some tough love! Take the car key away until she gets ic asap. Annulment sound appropiate right now.
 

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she is a really proud girl

If this is a true statement, then she would behave in a 'proud girl' fashion. That would include having a job and taking care of herself.
 

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What I gather from your post is, you are worried about her safety.

Life is not a fantasy, you cannot take someone off the streets and expect them to live happily ever after, it takes them to realize they are ready.

She doesn't care about you or anyone other than herself, she will be fine on her own. You are NOT her keeper, you seem to have a big heart but you have to think about yourself.

I am pretty sure your family knows whats going on, they are probably keeping quiet about it so you wont feel bad.

Let her go, get your marriage annulled. You have showed her kindness and she kicked you in the nuts. She wont take anything from you, she wont go to an attorney, you may not even know her real name.

Its time to grow up and realize people don't act this way towards each other... she does not want to be married and you must realize you cannot help her.
 

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i understand the thing is she doesnt care about leaving she is very proud if i do that she would just leave
If she would just leave does she really love you? I don’t think so. If the marriage and you mean nothing to her, why would you want her in your life?
and im scare she will go on a bad path
She is already on a bad path. What do you think she’s doing out there when she parties? What will happen if she gets pregnant? Will she give up the drinking? Is she doing drugs? Most likely? Will she give all that up to have a healthy baby?
also she said that she will divorce me and will take everything from me
This is an empty threat. What can she take from you? You have only been married for 6 months. She is only entitled to 50% of anything you both have acquired since you go married. Seriously what can she take? What state do you live in? That would be helpful to know to help you with stuff like this.
now i love her and want the best for her sometimes she is good and sometimes she is pure evil like today i beg her to start applying online for a job she told me she will do it so by the end of the night i had to do the applications for her and she had a huge attitude when i ask her for some of her information
She won’t get a job until she has to. She does not have to right now because you give her money, a car, food and roof over her head.
she is a really proud girl she will have a hard time apologizing she agree to take therapy
So get her into therapy.
but i been dealing with this treatment for 6 months i really dont think i deserve this treatment specially after eveything i do for her im just sad all the time i use to be a very happy person now i just want the day to end everyday so i dont have to deal with any of her drama and her temper
We teach people how to treat us. You have taught her that it’s ok to treat you this way. If you want peace in your life you will have to either dump her or change the way you interact with her. I’ve already given you the list for how to change the way you interact with her. But you don’t seem willing do what is necessary to make your marriage better. You are too afraid of her to do that. So you let her rule you with fear. Do you really think that a girl like her can find a guy attractive that she can control with her drama?
i know u guys might say dump her but i love her and her childhood well she didnt had one i want for her not to hate life and realize that life can be beautiful
I know lots of people who had terrible childhoods. Few of them act the way she does. She’s using her childhood as an excuse and you buy into her drama. Shoot half the stuff she tells you about her childhood is probably not true or greatly distorted.

if i take the car keys she would go crazy if i cut her off she will make me fell like a failure and call be the worst
You can only feel like a failure if you let yourself feel that way. Again you are letting her rule you with her abuse and anger. You could stop all of this in one day if you took her car away from her and cut off the money. She’s using you. It does not even sound like she loves you. Why are you putting up with this?
and so my family doesn’t see her true color i just do it so she won’t scream at me infront of my family i dont want my family to know how mean she is to me. but im sure the have an idea what do you think i can do or tell her or something to calm her down.
You live with your mother. Of course she already knows that your wife is hell. Your family knows. They are probably keeping their mouth shut in front of you. But they know and are probably wondering when you are going to man up and either set your boundaries and dump her.

Look at this you brought this she daemon into your mother’s house. Is this really fair to your mother? Your wife goes and goes at all hours. She screams. She makes more work for your mother and does not help. Your mother is being very nice and understanding but she does not deserve this.

You don’t seem willing to do what is necessary to draw your boundaries now. So what will happen is that your wife’s behavior will get worse and worse. And then one day you will wake up hating her. Then it will be easy to kick her out. But until then you will live in this hell. … Unless you man up now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
well i live in illinois. i just want to say thank you to everybody that reply my post i really appreciate it ill wil do something about this issue i will man up and ill tell you guys how it went down and again thank you sooo much your posts gave me a lot of strength thank you.
 

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Javier,

Do keep posting here as it sounds like you need a lot of support to get through this. My prayers will be with you. This is a hard one for sure.
 

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Javier, you sound like a good man who cares about others, but you cannot live her life for her. If she doesn't care, it's not up to you to decide what is a "good" or "bad" path for her life. Let her go if she doesn't want to be the kind of person you want to love. If she will not let you be half of the relationship, and her be half of it, then you do not have a partner. You have a parasite.

You will get a lot of help if you can go to some CoDA or Al-Anon meetings in your area. If you're interested but cannot find one, please send me a private message or post your city's name and I will help you find one. They're free and will help you with setting boundaries and finding peace in your heart while you go through this.
 

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To me you sound like you have major issues. Why would you put up with all this ? why let any person kick you out of the car ? Why let a woman control you like this? Are you addicted to loving her

GET DIVORCE. Work on yourself. Although i don't know much about you but i bet your happiness isn't with her. Don't get her pregnant !
 

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I agree with Elegirl's advice, OP, and you certainly need to make some changes to the dynamic of your relationship, because it sounds very toxic.

We all need love, but until your W learns to love and respect herself she's going to continue to treat you and others the way she feels about herself- unlovable. No amount of love you lavish on her will make one iota of difference until she learns to love and respect herself.

Try to implement the things that Elegirl has suggested, but if your W won't cooperate, you really might want to think about putting an end to this one-sided relationship.

In the meanwhile, I'd make double sure you're both using reliable protection, because the last thing you need right now is the pitter patter of little feet.
 
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