Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Help Me Understand Why I'm Thinking This Way!

1K views 7 replies 4 participants last post by  WorkingWife 
#1 ·
Hello there. I have been a lurker on this website for several years and this is the first time I am posting. I am a 29 year old woman, engaged to a 27 year old man. We have been together for over 3 years.
Over a year ago, I discovered that my fiancé had a porn addiction and was also texting/sexting other women. He also apparently used to frequent strip clubs, mostly early on in the relationship(unbeknownst to me). Since the discovery, all of those issues have been solved successfully and I have full access to everything of his. I am very proud of the changes he has made and how much he has matured.
The problem that I'm facing right now, is that ever since our fallout, I have been fantasizing about him having sex with other women. It has even gotten to the point where I have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex if I do not think about him cheating. Sometimes I even imagine myself being a stripper that he has his way with.
This is extremely disturbing to me because I am repulsed by strip clubs and cheating in general, and especially if it's something my partner would be engaging in. I never ever had fantasies like this before his discrepancies and I don't understand why I'm thinking this way now! I am very ashamed and embarrassed about these thoughts! I would love to know what has happened to my psyche. Is this possibly triggered from the emotion trauma that I suffered from his past actions?
I would love it if you guys could offer me some insight. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
all i can say is our minds are very complex and pull in different directions.

there are our 'moral' impulses that are largely taught to us and presumably represent order, and goodness as defined by religion or other
moral codes. these are not (in my view), bad things, as they attempt to direct us away from chaos, disorder, self destructive behaviors, et.
some people would refer to these things as 'natural law'.

there is however, in every one of us a a spirit of rebellion and even darkness. we understand this can often lead to self destruction or the destruction of others,
and so we repress these impulses. nevertheless, we will be in a constant struggle between the dark and light in our minds. sometimes the dark seems alluring and
interesting, even though, like you, we know they can lead to unpleasant or much worse circumstances.

i would consider yourself normal. none of us are guided totally by the light. of course what you do about it is what counts. if you are finding yourself more and more obsessed, it
might become a real problem given your sense of morality. i would talk to a trusted, non judgmental person in the form of a pastor, councilor, teacher, close (wise) friend or someone who can help you sort out your dilemma.

the trick is not to allow what you know is unhealthy to rule your mind, knowing that even the best of us face the temptations.

oh,.........and don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts. again, it's what you do with them that counts.
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I feel like counseling would probably be the best option, if I can find the way to afford it. I would be too embarrassed to bring this up to anyone that I know personally, hence the anonymous posting on a website. :smile2:
 
#4 ·
don't know if you are religious, but churches have free counseling, and if not, most cities and towns have access to counseling centers for people with limited income.
there are lots options out there. i get that you don't want to talk to anyone you know. i'm the same way.
 
#5 ·
Good evening. Your desires and kinks are your own. As long as they do not harm others, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If this is what excites you, then you can play to it. Dress up wig, etc, and film your disguised self having sex with your husband. Then you have a video to watch.
 
#6 ·
This is kind of what I was thinking. There is a huge difference between playing stripper and being a stripper. Especially once you are actually married, then I don't think there is anything immoral about it at all.

It might really spice up your sex life and be fun for both of you. However, I would be a little concerned about it bringing your fiance's thoughts back to strippers, other women, porn, etc.

I think talking to a counselor would be a very good idea, especially if you feel guilty about these thoughts or if you think they are interfering with your ability to enjoy sex without them.

I'm not a psychologist but I suspect that the very "taboo" nature of them in your mind might be what makes them so exciting. The fact that you're even letting yourself imagine something so off limits in your mind. I'm certain the reality of your guy having sex with another woman would not be the turn on it is in your fantasy, so don't lose sight of that.

It also might be that an insecure part of you thinks you have to be like one of those women to turn him on because of the prior issues, or maybe thinks "I want to be sexy like those women..." Something like that -- again, I would talk a professional if you can. Even if it's not cheap, when you think of all the ways you spend a couple hundred dollars here and there over your lifetime, this would be a smart investment for your peace of mind.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top