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Hi All,

I am seeking desperate help from this forum to save my marriage.

Background -
1. I am an Indian and got married in 2012. We have 2 kids - a boy and a girl that are 6 and 3 respectively. It was a love marriage for us where I proposed the girl who was my high school senior.

2. It was a turbulent start for our relationship because she had had a relationship before (which I was aware of) but not about the physical/sexual details that really bothered me. We in-fact broke-up after initial few months but realized we could not part ways and sorted our issues to come back together and marry (I wanted to look beyond her past as I had none and that has somehow hurt me a lot - don't ask me why)

3. Our first year of marriage wasn't easy as it involved a lot of interference from my parents and as I look back now - I think I could have handled situations much better and taken firm stance than trying to pacify everyone. I clearly haven't lived up to the emotional support that my wife sought in that phase and to make matters worse I blamed her on her past when we would get upset with each other. (Yes, I feel very small about myself when I look back and don't know how to hurt myself on this).

4. Things improved for sometime but she had to take a career break due to our first pregnancy. After the birth of my first child she discovered that I was involved with a lot of porn and indecent chat forums. 2015, This was the first straw of cheating (I didn't know any online activity is also cheating - I am honest on this and I shall tell why later) and that broke her heart. I had never had any physical contact or sexual intimacy with anyone but she never trusts me and thinks that I may have sought out of marriage and done something. No matter what I say it didn't calm her - however she had a big heart to continue the marriage and give me second chance. We started sleeping in different bedrooms (she hated my snoring) and I believed that hurt our connect very badly.

5. 2016, I changed jobs and we moved cities where she also resumed her career. Things weren't smooth with us as I got more involved with work (I had failed running my own startup few months before this) and was obsessed to become successful at work. I did not realize when I was away from her and kids and once I learnt she got in touch with her old boyfriend in 2017. I trust she never met him and would have been few friendly calls but it hurt like a sting and we had more arguments. This is when we realized that she had got pregnant with our second kid and somehow we reconciled and continue to work - as I look back I feel I could have handled it better and be kind/gentle the way she was with me.

6. 2018 we moved to US and she joined me after few months - I had to have a home in place and hence this lag. In 2019, I discovered about swinging and as I mentioned before about the past incident - I wanted to be honest with her and shared my thoughts with her. She was open in the beginning and we just spoke online to few couples but somewhere she wasn't confident to do it and we called it off. To make matters worse, I got a reachout from a couple of caucasian women and I continued to chat with them for few weeks (no sexting but yes flirting) - this came out in the open again and she considered my chats also act of infidelity and wanted to call off the marriage. I started reading about my behavior and realized this is considered worse and I have in fact online cheated her.

7. I course corrected and have genuinely never looked back but all these months I continue to be at the wrong end of any conflict/conversation we have. Our fights end up with me apologizing (and I realize that I have hurt her) but no amount of effort seems to be falling at the right place. She feels overworked, under appreciated and to make everything worse she just lost her job post covid due to EAD expiry. Our last conversation has triggered when we had an argument at how I was keeping the utensils in the cabinets from the dishwasher and that I would do so in the new home (I missed to had that I have been doing excellent in my career that resulted in buying a new construction home in bay area due to finish in few months) and somehow took her back to all my past mistakes and wanted to separate immediately.

Challenge -

She wants to move back to India with the kids and potentially divorce after sometime (though she hasn't said that). I have been trying to do my best to save this marriage and I want to put any efforts needed to win her trust and love back. She says that she doesn't feel any love, emotions for me anymore and feels hollow. She wants to get away from all this pain and negativity that I have given her in this marriage. As I reflect back, I end up seeing all faults in me and when I try to put myself in her shoes - may never want to forgive myself. We had a love marriage and I seem to have squandered a beautiful life with stupid things and that didn't even mean anything than just momentary kick. I have never been physical or emotionally involved with anyone other than my wife and yet my actions and words have hurt her so bad.

I want to save this marriage and ensure that I be a good father to my young kids that making them a victim of a broken marriage. I am urging from people here to please advice how can I make this better and earn her trust to salvage of whatever days/weeks I have left with her. Thoughts of suicide keep coming to my mind and then I think if that is another scar I leave for my kids.

PS - I understand my mistakes and realize there could be no coming back from this but I have come to this forum to get genuine help.
 
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