[AerialDRose]

My name is Aerial. I am 23 years old. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years now. We have an 11 month old son together. I went through some post pardon depression. Not the kind that makes you hate your child, the kind that makes you cry over commercials & get easily over emotional & stressed out. I started to struggle deeply with my depression & didn't feel like my S.O. understood at all so unfortunately, I started to resent him a bit. I would be much easier to upset or anger. That part is my fault & I understand that 100%. However, he admitted to me a few nights ago, he started purposefully treating me like **** back. Neither of us did the right thing but here we are, things have spiraled out of control to where we were basically only talking if the other was having an attitude or arguing with each other. We finally had a night where we actually spoke to each other instead of yelling & blaming & I told him how sorry I was but in order to come back from it, we both have to treat each other with love & compassion & not jump down each other's throats if one gets an attitude. To stop & talk about it before it gets out of hand. However, he is also 110% convinced that I have cheated on him with someone else. I haven't. He even said he's so sure that he has already forgiven me & that he knows in his heart of hearts that I have. He will not let me begin to make things up to him for the way I started treating him until I 'admit' to cheating. I feel so lost now. No matter what I try to tell him or how we try to mend things, he says we can't move forward until I start being honest with him. I am, though! At this point, I feel like my only hope of staying with him is to make up a time I cheated on him so he'll finally get the answer he's been looking for. Please, if anyone has been through this before & truly hadn't cheated on their SO, please give me some advice because I'm so scared & hurt & I want so badly to work through this with him, I love him with all my heart! Please someone help! Thank you for taking your time out to listen to me!

 

[EleGirl]

If you have not cheated, then do say that you did just to keep him.

To me, it sounds like he does not want to fix the marriage and has found the perfect way out. If you do not admit to cheating, he will leave you and tell everyone that you lied and cheated. If you admit to cheating he will also leave you and tell everyone that you lied and cheated.

Keep in mind that often people who cheat will falsely accuse their spouse of cheating. You might want to do some snooping on him.

 

[NoChoice]

OP,
Do not admit to something you did not do.

 

[jorgegene]

It sounds to me hes using the cheating ruse to make you feel bad, gain power over you,
or as EleGirl says, an excuse to leave. Assuming you havent given him any real reasons to think you are cheating,
his motivations are not pure.

its a power thing.

 

[JohnA]

Do not admit you did unless you did. Offer to take a poly. If he refuses to accept, move on. I wish people I loved but passed away where still with us, but they are gone. Sometimes in life you have to accept a loss and move on.

I would recommend you read His needs, Her Needs to evaluate if you actually have a health relationship. A

 

[chillymorn69]

Why does he think you stepped out?

 

[Thor]

I would suggest you both do a polygraph. Find out who is used by local law enforcement. A good polygrapher can be very good, but a bad one is junk. Typically you get about 3 questions which they will repeat and ask in slightly different ways. You'll want to sit down with the polygrapher ahead of time to set up the questions and go over definitions. e.g. what does it mean "cheat", or what does it mean "sexual contact".

Don't admit to anything you didn't do. This isn't the kind of thing which a false admission makes better!

I would also suggest marriage counseling. There is some reason he has grabbed onto the idea you cheated. I think professional intervention may be needed.

 

[EleGirl]

I merged your two threads. Only one thread per topic please.

 

[AerialDRose]

My apologies. I am new & didn't think I'd placed the first in the right spot/:

 

[AerialDRose]

I have offered all these things to him. He says there is Something going on I'm lying about. Either drugs or cheating. I offered the moment he accused me of abusing drugs to go to the store with him & pee in front of him for a drug test but was uninterested. I've been talking to his ex (we've been friends since the beginning, she also has a son with him) & apparently almost the exact same thing happened that ended their relationship. He had started working two jobs (he is now, as well, for almost a year now) & wasn't getting enough sleep. He only gets 4-5 hours of sleep. Well, he's been a fairly paranoid man since I met him which I almost admired because he kept me on high alert & us out of a few situations...anyways, getting off topic, but that he started accusing her of cheating & honestly thought she had people living in their basement. I know...crazy, right? But that it'd turned out that he had cheated on her, not her on him which he was also so adamant about. I told him this earlier today & restated my desire to have him quit his first job. (They're only giving him 8-10 hours a week anyways. The reason this is such a big deal is he always has to go into that job around 7:15a-10:00a & always works close at his second, sometimes not coming home until past 2:00a. Thus, a great lack of sleep for almost no reason at all.) However, now he's taken my suggestion & turned it on me saying I am ungrateful for how hard he works, which is quite the opposite, I tell him every day how grateful I am for how hard he works for this family. I just feel so at the end of my rope & like making up a situation I 'cheated' in is my only way to save the relationship but literally everyone, you guys & my friends & family, says to absolutely not cop to something that isn't true...I'm just so lost & I know a huge part of this is his lack of sleep hampering his ability to handle & process stress. Like I stated earlier, though, I know that me becoming distant & eventually resentful is all my fault for not trying harder to communicate my position but at the same time, he was telling me it's a walk in the park, a privilege, to get to stay at home all day with our son. I mean, it is but it's so nerve racking. I have seizures a lot that, thankfully, slowed to almost a halt after my son's delivery but between that (which is very stringent on the brain) & knowing that this tiny, amazing, innocent little baby's life 100% depends on me no matter how upset of badly I was feeling, inside & out that it becomes a lot to take on by oneself. Thank you for all the comments so far, I am so happy to have found this site. Thank you guys for caring enough to read my lame story & to comment trying to give me suggestions, I greatly appreciate it!

 

[Satya]

@AerialDRose, I was going to suggest that he might be cheating himself then transferring his misdeeds to you unfairly so he can blame you rather than be accountable. That happens often. But, you already explained this is exactly what he did to his ex.

So my question would be, why do you think this man would be any different with you? Even if he's not cheating, he has a history of mental instability. He is driving you crazy and frankly, you don't deserve or need that in your life. Your mental and physical health is priority. I would strongly recommend you stop trying to convince him you didn't cheat and just stop engaging him when he blames you. Leave the room and don't engage. He will not stop blaming you until he decides to.

 

[aine]

My name is Aerial. I am 23 years old. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years now. We have an 11 month old son together. I went through some post pardon depression. Not the kind that makes you hate your child, the kind that makes you cry over commercials & get easily over emotional & stressed out. I started to struggle deeply with my depression & didn't feel like my S.O. understood at all so unfortunately, I started to resent him a bit. I would be much easier to upset or anger. That part is my fault & I understand that 100%. However, he admitted to me a few nights ago, he started purposefully treating me like **** back. Neither of us did the right thing but here we are, things have spiraled out of control to where we were basically only talking if the other was having an attitude or arguing with each other. We finally had a night where we actually spoke to each other instead of yelling & blaming & I told him how sorry I was but in order to come back from it, we both have to treat each other with love & compassion & not jump down each other's throats if one gets an attitude. To stop & talk about it before it gets out of hand. However, he is also 110% convinced that I have cheated on him with someone else. I haven't. He even said he's so sure that he has already forgiven me & that he knows in his heart of hearts that I have. He will not let me begin to make things up to him for the way I started treating him until I 'admit' to cheating. I feel so lost now. No matter what I try to tell him or how we try to mend things, he says we can't move forward until I start being honest with him. I am, though! At this point, I feel like my only hope of staying with him is to make up a time I cheated on him so he'll finally get the answer he's been looking for. Please, if anyone has been through this before & truly hadn't cheated on their SO, please give me some advice because I'm so scared & hurt & I want so badly to work through this with him, I love him with all my heart! Please someone help! Thank you for taking your time out to listen to me!

You have been treating him badly because your hormones are all over the place, you have been depressed and the whole dynamics have changed in your relationship because you have a new baby. Tell him to read all he can on what happens in marriages when first babies come and how sometimes the H feels neglected. He is assuming that you are cheating but in actual fact you are spending more time on baby and have less time for him, it is totally normal.

There are any sites on the internet looking at this. Go look

 

[KevinZX]

Ok you have both been suffering in different ways, the way forward from this is to maybe write him a letter and get it plainly down on paper the problems you have been having, and where you are today in the relationship, what makes you happy and what makes you sad. Get him to write also his feelings of insecurity in the relationship and his fears for the future. I wrote a letter to my wife who left a few weeks back and i can assure it helped more than all words we had spoken. She hasn't written back which i am at a loss as to why, but no matter, you two should try this, it is worth a try. DO not make up a story abut you cheating this will only muddy the waters, their are enough people suffering because of real cheating, it is not going to work when you reinforce his fears of you cheating when it never happened.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX

 

[AerialDRose]

I told him exactly that & his words were this, "I did some research & yeah, the body goes through hormones but only for 6 months." But won't admit to the severity, he thinks of it as a petty hindrance & then doesn't count that 6 months when he says, "You treated me badly for a year. I tried to fix things for a year. Blah blah blah" I'm not trying to be rude to him but he's gotten in this cycle where he tells me he believes me or really wants to & we can move forward & then that he's tried for a year & I'VE (just me, not responsibility on his part) screwed things up too bad. The only thing with that whole 'fix it for a year' things is, we JUST admitted about 4 days ago that we had a problem & that we DID want to move forward. I don't know...I just hold onto hope for those I love for so very long but it's almost always bit me in the bottom so why wouldn't it now? Then again, I truly thought he was my soul mate so if I give up now, this might me the Only time it would actually find true love. I don't just want love, I want true love where you fall in love with your S.O. over & over again every day &...well, blah blah blah. I guess we all want that.

 

[Ghost Rider]

Please do NOT admit to cheating under any circumstances. He may be sweet-talking you and telling you he'll forgive you, but once you make the admission, he may turn on you and hold it against you and possibly even abuse you. It's very manipulative.

I agree with another poster who said this could mean he is or was cheating on you. This is a huge red flag for your ability to trust in him. My wife was always extremely jealous and insecure with me, and it turned out to be because she herself had a cheating heart all along.

Please do NOT make a false confession under any circumstances. You're better off leaving him, even though that may be painful.

 

[As'laDain]

Hate to say it, but he probably cheated on you.

He did it to his ex, whom he accused of cheating. He is now accusing you of cheating...

 

[Thor]

He sounds abusive. Do not tolerate abuse!

Can you get into counseling? I think it may help you.

 

[EleGirl]

I told him exactly that & his words were this, "I did some research & yeah, the body goes through hormones but only for 6 months." But won't admit to the severity, he thinks of it as a petty hindrance & then doesn't count that 6 months when he says, "You treated me badly for a year. I tried to fix things for a year. Blah blah blah" I'm not trying to be rude to him but he's gotten in this cycle where he tells me he believes me or really wants to & we can move forward & then that he's tried for a year & I'VE (just me, not responsibility on his part) screwed things up too bad. The only thing with that whole 'fix it for a year' things is, we JUST admitted about 4 days ago that we had a problem & that we DID want to move forward. I don't know...I just hold onto hope for those I love for so very long but it's almost always bit me in the bottom so why wouldn't it now? Then again, I truly thought he was my soul mate so if I give up now, this might me the Only time it would actually find true love. I don't just want love, I want true love where you fall in love with your S.O. over & over again every day &...well, blah blah blah. I guess we all want that.

There is no such thing as a soul mate, it's a romantic myth that ruins a lot of lives. If soul mates actually existed, what would even be the chance that your soul mate was born in your life time and lived close enough to you for you to meet?

Instead there are many people with whom a person can fall in love with and have a good relationship and even deep love with.

Your husband thought that his ex had people living in the basement? I assume that this was while he was also living in the house. If he really though that, and it was not true, then there is something mentally wrong with him. He also accused her of cheating when he was actually the one who was cheating. People have behavioral patterns that repeat from one relationship to the next. He is most likely cheating. Blaming you is a way for him to excuse his own cheating.

 

[AerialDRose]

Well, now he's saying that SHE was accusing him of cheating & because of that, he left her. I really don't believe that he left her for a second because of how broken he was & is over not being able to see his eldest son except for once MAYBE twice a year so...I really don't think she is the one lying about this situation but it's not fair to not even mention what he recounts as the truth...

 

[EleGirl]

Since you have no way of knowing the truth from him and his ex, you need to focus on your situation.

You are with a guy who is accusing you of doing something that you have not done. I don't see how your marriage can continue in a marriage with a guy who accuses you of something you are not doing, or have not done.