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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
1'm 23 years old married to a man of 43 years who was already married before and is a father of 6 children.He claims that he loves me alot and we have been together for almost 5 years now.It started of as friends and we found a spark we both had..i know i was very young at that time and took alot of hasty decisions but i felt very lonely because i came from a very broken background i thought life would probably get better since i found someone who really loves me and appreciates me for me.

His family do not know that he is married to me and this is eating me inside for a couple of months now.The reason i'm thinking about divorce is because alot of things have gone wrong since we got married. When we were in our relation it was different and he was more flexible towards me,alot has changed since than..

After we got married i snooped through his fone and found illicit messages and pictures of girls like he was cheating on me,i confronted him and he said it was a silly mistake and he would never repeat it but i was hurt because he got really upset and started blaming me for invading his privacy and going through his things and that i had no right to do such,it all started that i copied the numbers and let a trusted a frend to call and see who the numbers belonged to.His Best frends number was listed and the girl i trusted called him and started an affair with him whereby she revealed what i had done and how she found the number for the guy was curious because he is a VIP and his number is not distributed just anywhere.His frend started poisoning him against me that i had married him for his wealth and had tagged him all along,the girl started to tell alot of lies to break my marriage to secure her place with this rich guy,i admit i was wrong that i gave her the paper but i was very much upset and not thinking straight of how to confront my husband because all he did was shout and get angry it was sad that his frend told him without knowing me or my intentions that i will destroy his life and i brought bad luck to him.

After things got resolved through a rocky patch i felt a different vibe,he was always going out with friends,ignoring what i was going through and in my heart i could never trust him for what he had done it just hurt too much and made me loose hope of everything because everytime when anything happened he started reminding me about breaking up or threatens to divorce me.I have had a very bad past background for i grew up without my parents and it effected me alot,i thought he would make me happy but at times he would remind me of my background and where i came from and that what i was today.

One fine day i got pregnant and he went ballistic not listening to what i wanted and bribed me a trip to europe if i aborted the baby.i was really devistated and hurt because deep down i knew he was doing that for his family,he never wanted them to know he was married to me for his father would be very upset because i wasnt the same citizen as him and that he was married to his cousin.

After alot of ups and downs i went through his phone again bcoz of insecurities and that he had put a password so i couldnt access it and found that he started communicating with other girls and receiving messages and their pictures i confronted him and he went mad that he was going to divorce me for what i did again and that he never trusted me around his things,all i wanted to know was why he was doinbg this behind me and that what it was that never satisfied him that he went to these *****es.whats sad is i was pregnant and he didnt want the baby at all,god knows he was cheating behind me and that he blamed me for all the bad things happened to him,that i made him miserable.since our ups and downs my husband has become very aloof he hardly cuddles me,holds me or even sleeps with me...our physical intimacy has gone down and he claims he's always tired or maybe he is just ignoring me and wants me whenever he feels like it. We never go out together unless and if i was really down and crying for him to spend time with me.I'm stuck inside four corners where i have nobody to talk to,i'm in my 6th month of pregnancy which he finally agreed after i was really upset and broken down by him forcing me to abort the baby that he even claimed to divorce me and just support the baby.I have had no peace since day one and have been very much depressed and quite drinking my pain inside which than comes out in a lashing way and he tells me that i'm the one who likes arguments.

My husband has started getting angry at me if i spend money that i dont realise what background i came from,and that i didnt have anything and now that i have am spending alot...I always give him the calculations,i have stopped communication and associating with my social network like i used to...I have just been home and everytime since i have been pregnant he wants to send me away to my family...I have come to a point where am very much hurt and worried about my babys future.

He is a very kind and nice man but he spoils his qualities by his anger,his rude ways to tell me things that hurt me.He even told me that if he confronted to his family they will ask him to divorce me and that he will cause he respects his dad alot which i can understand but its not my fault that i end up getting hurt..

I really dont care about the money,or driving a nice car or such things i just wanted my husband back who has been very aloof i tried hard to get him back as he was but he has changed.He told me he is not cheating behind me and that he loves me but i dont feel the same.I feel no more feelings of love,i have hatred and hurt inside me to the point where am a first time mum but he discouraged me that i take my pregnancy too seriously and that my appointments were not god...

i text him a message twice to let him know that i want to leave this marriage but he has ignored me...I dont want a husband to just come and sits on his PC all day long and hardly talks to his wife or take her out...He even said he might not be there for the birth of the baby...My situation is so complicated i dont see a chance or future with this man bcoz his blood relations come first and we i dont think exist...

I have told him we will disappear from his life and its better i leave before the birth of the baby and that i do not want a dime from him or any communication whatsoever...

He just seems different and this marriage is not working..Please someone help me am so depressed...I tried making things work but am too tired now...I have been so sad throughout my pregnancy and he never wanted a girl when he agreed to being pregnant but god blessed me with a girl...


Please advice me on what to do....

I'm the one to blame for making him miserable

i'm the one for making his life full of bad luck

i'm the one he just married and never wanted to declare me and have kids with me

he wanted to abort the child with me and was upset when we found the gender to be a female that he warned me to never fall pregnant again...

on my birthday i chose the gift i wanted but he went mad about it and made me cry because it was expensive (not that he cudnt afford) but i wanted to be like all the posh girls when that was not my intention...

He always tries to get rid of me by suggesting i visit family abroad for a month or so...

If i tell him he is not spending enough time or communication i get the lashing that i do not appreciate what he has done for me..(Spending money on me is not what i want)

If his father asked him to divorce me he would because of his cousin he is married to and that his father wouldnt care about me or the baby...When i asked him would you divorce me he said i dont want to but my father comes first...

I think i have reached a point where enough is enough...he even asked me to give the baby my citizenship for his family would find out if he gave the baby his citizenship cause the law works that way...

Do i stand a chance in this marriage?

He is nice when he is nice but he hurts me alot and i'm dying with the pain in silence...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
please can anyone kindly help me through my pain...i will really appreciate it...i know its a big thread to read but i will appreciate it...
 

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i am curious, what is your background? and his? Where are you from? Why would he want to keep you a secret?

nyway.. repunzel. what are you doing? why are you still there? I know there is a small child to consider, but a man who marries you, has a child with you and doesn't even tell his family?? That is sick.

others may disagree but my advice is to get as far away from this man as you can, and never look back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i am curious, what is your background? and his? Where are you from? Why would he want to keep you a secret?

nyway.. repunzel. what are you doing? why are you still there? I know there is a small child to consider, but a man who marries you, has a child with you and doesn't even tell his family?? That is sick.

others may disagree but my advice is to get as far away from this man as you can, and never look back.
i come from arabic background,we are both muslims so more than one marriage is allowed in our religion...when he is nice he is very loving but am very much worried about my babys future...

By his country law he cant get a citizenship for the child unless he puts his name in the will book first and this book is accessed by all his family which is a big problem...am so confused ...he told me he never wanted kids with me and that he had no intentions of declaring me...
 

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I'd get out while you can. You need to seek some shelter somewhere before you and your baby get hurt. What country are you in? What citizenship are you. One that can provide you with some safety for you and your baby?

You my dear, deserve a loving husband, one who is proud of you not someone who demeans you and hides you. I wouldn't allow my baby to be born into his citizenship. I would not allow him to have any hold on my child.

What does your family think of all this???
 

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I'm guessing you got pregnant on purpose hoping to keep that wealth you obviously married for. I'm also guessing you were the trophy mistress for a while before becoming the trophy wife. You are clearly uneducated and not someone he wants to introduce to his colleagues as a reflection of himself. Take the child support and move on. The man is not in love with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I'm guessing you got pregnant on purpose hoping to keep that wealth you obviously married for. I'm also guessing you were the trophy mistress for a while before becoming the trophy wife. You are clearly uneducated and not someone he wants to introduce to his colleagues as a reflection of himself. Take the child support and move on. The man is not in love with you.

Firstly and foremost let me make it clear to you that am EDUCATED and grew up in the UK...before u judge me and start being rude and u could be polite for starters..i havent married him for his wealth cuz my family background is wealthy anyway...by a broken background i meant of my familys wealth i grew up with nannies...and i was broken because i felt no love from a young age...i was depressed when my brother passed away...

i was not his mistress or nor am i a trophy wife just bcoz of the age gap??i have a legal certificate of marriage by law and if u have any different theories just bcoz am a muslim and a second wife which is in our religion "halal" valid i dont see myself doing any harm or having such bad intentions for snatching wealth or being a mistress...I met the guy and never knew his wealth or social status until later when we got serious and after he proposed and nor did i care of such!!!

The reason he doesnt want to introduce me to his family is bcoz his dad will ask him to divorce me cuz he doesnt want his son to marry ontop of her his wife...his was an arranged marriage and he married me cuz he loved me just to make it clear to you before you give me shananigans...

for your information the pregnancy was not purpose!!!!

if such barbie doll business happens in ur lane u have no right to judge everyone to be the same!!!

Thanks for your advice but none taken!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'd get out while you can. You need to seek some shelter somewhere before you and your baby get hurt. What country are you in? What citizenship are you. One that can provide you with some safety for you and your baby?

You my dear, deserve a loving husband, one who is proud of you not someone who demeans you and hides you. I wouldn't allow my baby to be born into his citizenship. I would not allow him to have any hold on my child.

What does your family think of all this???
Thanks for the kind reply and support unlike others:)
i have tried telling him twice last week regarding the seperation and he ignored me,i told him i would prefer staying alone but he came and ignored me...2nite he told me he loves me and cant think of being without me...

The father has to give the citizenship to the baby because that is required and a right for the child to get its benefit...The only reason he is hesitant is bcoz it will be registered in the booklet called the family book which is provided by the government to keep it present and to apply for a passport and used by the whole family whereby they will find out that he is married to me...I wont be able to take the child out of the country bcoz of no passport and even if i did the rights are on the father according to the countrys laws..

i'm in the middle east a very rich country in the gulf...am so confused and scared if he follows what his dad says when he founds out does the guy love me to keep me or he will let go off me and my babys life in turmoil...

By law if he divorced me he has to provide me accommodation and support the baby until it grows up...
 

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Okay, so I get it. My thought is it sounds like he is concerned about his family and him being married to someone without the same citizenship as his family.(just a guess) I still believe that you deserve better. That is my number 1 opinion. I think you need to talk to God for guidance here. I do not feel you deserve to be treated like a second class citizen here. I cannot give a perfect explaination of why he is treating you this way because I do not understand the muslim culture very well. I think that you need to do what you feel is right for you and your baby. I still would not let my children have his citizenship if i felt that he was not supportive of me. I would be concerned if I had a baby girl that he would show that child the same disrespect he shows for her mother. As for having a son I would hate to have someone teaching my son to teach him to treat woman badly. Just a purely object thought on my part. Please take care of you.
 

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I'm guessing you got pregnant on purpose hoping to keep that wealth you obviously married for. I'm also guessing you were the trophy mistress for a while before becoming the trophy wife. You are clearly uneducated and not someone he wants to introduce to his colleagues as a reflection of himself. Take the child support and move on. The man is not in love with you.
You only stated one thing that I consider correct and that is the man is not in love with her. The other statements I consider quite cruel on your part. You have not walked in this young ladies shoes and should not judge her. She asked for help, she has been demeaned by this man. Show a little compassion, she is only 23. I know I did some things at 23 I thought were a good idea at the time only to realize 18 years later that they were not very good decisions. Love can cloud your preception of what is actually going on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Okay, so I get it. My thought is it sounds like he is concerned about his family and him being married to someone without the same citizenship as his family.(just a guess) I still believe that you deserve better. That is my number 1 opinion. I think you need to talk to God for guidance here. I do not feel you deserve to be treated like a second class citizen here. I cannot give a perfect explaination of why he is treating you this way because I do not understand the muslim culture very well. I think that you need to do what you feel is right for you and your baby. I still would not let my children have his citizenship if i felt that he was not supportive of me. I would be concerned if I had a baby girl that he would show that child the same disrespect he shows for her mother. As for having a son I would hate to have someone teaching my son to teach him to treat woman badly. Just a purely object thought on my part. Please take care of you.

when i spoke to him if it was my citizenship that was a bother he said it was two things why i married a non local and why did i marry ontop of my cousin...the sad part is that he must have married for reasons that no one knows only him,at first he told me that i love you and care about you alot and value you...he told me he cant reveal bcoz of what his dad will say and that means he doesnt want to upset them bcoz he respects them alot...This is all traditions and culture ,its got nothing to do with being a muslim...for them what would bother them is am not family and an outsider,a 2nd wife (which to every persons opinion would mean a gold digger :( certainly not true in my heart cause i loved the guy...He was very good with me last night and i felt his prescence and charisma and love around me...he even gave attention to the wellbeing of the baby after my visit to the midwife...and even starts laughing when i mention how naughty the little one is inside kicking...i have tried so much to bring him back to me and close to us...when we spoke regarding the past affairs or cheating or girls he was on touch with he told me it was a mistake and that he wud not repeat again (only god knows) but the main question is will he really stand up for me and fight to save our marrage nomatter who gets upset if he really loves me..does he disrespect me? i dont know ,am i not valued bcoz of what?i dont know..i pray to god everyday to bestow a miracle that all goes well for my babys sake...i dont think he wud be that cruel to let his child grow up without a father?!cuz he has3 daughters too and god is watching up there...

As a father he has been good with his own kids and mostly the bringing up is done by the mother cuz he is always away and busy with buisness and social affairs..when he is around he spends good quality time with them and even takes them on summer holidays when he can...he speaks to them everyday when he is away...and when me and him were abroad together for a couple of months bcoz of his work assignment i wasnt cruel i did buy presents for his family and helped him shop for them before we went back...i just dont understand what is it...can he see that all i want is the secrecy to be over and just be happy...

When i visited my family i never wanted to come back to him and i dragged the stay on...and told him of how i felt things and he has changed but he told me it wasnt true...

I started to get weird feelings that i made the biggest mistake of my life and he told me that after all we have been through you say this marriage is a mistake..and not to hurt his feelings i keep things inside me and it gets nasty when it becomes too much and i let all out...

am so confiused...

does he love her ?i dont know,i cant know...is he stuck with her for the sake of the family and the kids maybe...he did tell me once a while back they were seperated if thats true only god knows...i just wonder wats my future...
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You only stated one thing that I consider correct and that is the man is not in love with her. The other statements I consider quite cruel on your part. You have not walked in this young ladies shoes and should not judge her. She asked for help, she has been demeaned by this man. Show a little compassion, she is only 23. I know I did some things at 23 I thought were a good idea at the time only to realize 18 years later that they were not very good decisions. Love can cloud your preception of what is actually going on.

Love is surely a strongest addiction of all the addictions...and blinds one into hasty decisions that we makes us end up repenting later...

Thanks for the support dear...i appreciate it...
 

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I can only say that you need to keep the lines of communications open for you with your husband. God does work in mysterious ways and I think he has been giving you the ability to open your eyes and question if this is truly the right situation for you. Only you will be able to know if this is what you want. You have to work with many questions about family and about fidelity. If you feel comfortable with him on these levels and safe then I say you can stay and work on the marriage. If you feel that there is something wrong when it comes to you and his family and his fidelity then you have to decide. I cannot give you the right answer,I can only guess that there is something wrong when a man doesn't want to share his wife with his family. Is there a councelor or therapist that you can talk to where you live about all that is going on with you? It sounds like your husband doesn't even know what he wants at this point, happy one moment, confused the next. His family plays a very important role in his life and you really have to see where you stand if he doesn't support you with his family then I think you have some serious decisions to make about your future there. You sound by your statements that you really do know what needs to be done and worked on, when he show you love and attention it is hard to keep your mind focused on the whole picture. Remember that cheaters can lie and make you feel really comfortable and still cheat. Please becareful and I will put you in my prayers.
 
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