[loveless1213]

Hi I need some advice from you married couples out there. While I am not married, I have been in a 10 year relationship. We were talking about marriage but I am instead considering ending the courtship.
I have been with my guy going on 10 years, since I was 17 years old. I made him wait years (until 21) to have sex because I felt that we were to young and he had a thing for having sex with other girls anyway. he claimed it was because I wouldn’t give him any. I don’t hold this against him because most teenage boys are immature and cheat on their girlfriends anyway which was why is wasn’t willing to have sex with him and made him wait.
Flash forward to today, he is a faithful boyfriend. But now I wish he would have sex with other women, because I hate having sex with him. While he has been my one and only, first in everything, what worked for me at 21 is no longer working for me at 27.
Things wrong with our sex life:

1. His approach. Sex always starts of the same boring way. Him brushing up against my butt, him giving me oral sex, or him stating “my **** is hard” or “I need some.” When he gives me oral sex, he uses to much teeth so I don’t want it anymore. I told him yet he still uses way to much teeth. When he says his **** is hard or that he needs some, I feel left out. No where in that does he include me, I would rather hear “You are so sexy. You have my **** hard.” Or
I really need to make love to you right now.” All I am asking is to be included and to feel wanted not like his sole purpose for having sex with me is to please himself.

2. When we have sex he stares at the headboard. I have to remind him where my face is. I asked him what is it “am I ugly,” he says no he’s just in the zone. I believe him because there are lots of guys after me and because I am so lonely and sexually frustrated I am considering finding my #2 since I have only had sex with one person. Staring at the headboard keeps him from connecting with me and at kissing me during sex and touching all over my body. I just lay there while he’s on top of me doing his business using my vagina. That’s exactly what it is. Using my vagina. I am being used because I get nothing in return. When he does kiss me I am really appalled because he puts spit everywhere.

3. When we have sex he bumps like a rabbit the entire time. I told him its called bump and grind for a reason. I enjoy him grinding inside me way more but he says grinding makes him cum to fast which brings me to problem number 4

4. Because I do not enjoy sex with him I refuse often. He cums to fast. He says he cums to fast because he goes for weeks and weeks without having sex. MEN IS THIS TRUE?

5. When I get on top, he just lays there. Doesn’t say a word. Im sick of it. Hes the only person that Ive ever been with so I would like some feedback so I could know whether I am doing it right or not. A moan, grunt, a passionate kiss, a touch, anything but I get nothing. I am up there for him, if hes not enjoying it I wish he would tell me what to do so I can try to improve or just lay my ass down and go the hell to sleep.

All Im asking for is a little romance and improvement in our sex lives. He says he cant give me romance because he’s working long hours six days a week and is the only one who pays the bills. But Even when I worked there was still no romance. Now that we have a 2 year old child, my needs have changed. I get little free time to myself. So what I would like is a passionate man who devours my body and gives me a little help around the house. All I ask is that he keep an eye on the little one while I prepare dinner when he gets home from work and give me lots of passion in the bedroom. But instead He falls asleep and the baby makes a mess everywhere, which he refuses to clean and leaves me to do. I told him about my sexual complaints and he deflects blame Hes not happy sexually either he says because I don’t perform oral sex and I don’t know how to ride him.

I would love to perform oral sex on him and I would if I felt loved and if I felt that he wanted to please me as much as I would like to please him. This is not a one way street in my opinion. If I was deeply in love and I knew the man cared for me I would do anything to please him, even anal sex on occasion. (which I have never tried.) but I would have to be in a loving relationship. The only thing I wouldn’t do is invite someone else in my bedroom.. I would like to be a “cowgirl” and ride him until I tire myself out but he wont teach me how to be one and I have no other experience with any other guy.

I want to make it work for my daughter but I am not happy. I have talked he won’t listen. I have suggested counseling millions of times, he wont go. I suggested church, he believes in god, but is one of those men who refuses to go to church. Because I am not sexually satisfied, I am always in a bad mood. So we always argue. This is not good for my baby so I think we should just end it. Any advice anyone? talking to him hasn't worked in two years, so what I am asking is should i leave a man who is a good provider but uncaring and a horrible lover?

 

[A Bit Much]

what I am asking is should i leave a man who is a good provider but uncaring and a horrible lover?

I'm sorry you're frustrated. It's good that you want to seek outside help for that... don't be discouraged that your husband doesn't want to participate, I think he's more concerned about being embarrassed to want to do counseling. Maturity is something he sounds like he's lacking and a complete understanding of what you want and how to deliver it.

I would like to think that everyone is teachable. Of course this requires the participation of both parties, one doing the teaching and the other willing to learn. You said you've talked to him about this, but nothing changes. He makes excuses. Have you told him that YOU have changed? Like you say, at 21 you were ok (or acted ok) with the way he approached sex with you. Now, not so much. You've changed (from his perspective).

Should you leave him? No, I don't think so... not yet anyway. When you're absolutely sure you are no longer valued or being heard (no consideration or trying on his part) then maybe you should consider it. No sense in beating a dead horse.

 

[KathyBatesel]

Loveless1213, I feel for you! It can be very frustrating to be in love with someone who is a bad lover. I hope you won't just toss your relationship out on its ear, though! There is hope.

First, recognize that your own inexperience is part of the problem, too. Your guy doesn't have much experience in the first place, and your own inexperience can get in the way of providing guidance in a way he can accept. As I talk to you about this, please understand that I might speak in ways that sound too blunt or harsh, but I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to ensure that there's no misunderstanding. You aren't "wrong" or "inferior" in any way! However, you do have a HUGE role on how this situation gets resolved (or doesn't.)

You are withholding sex and criticizing you guy's sexual performance. On top of that, you haven't made an effort to do for him what he does for you - oral sex. Even though he isn't good at it, you've gotta give the guy credit for doing it at all! How would you feel if you were doing oral to please him and he just criticized you?

What he said about coming to orgasm quickly is true. Men who orgasm too quickly benefit from having frequent intercourse and practicing the stop/start technique. When he feels it building, he can simply stop for 5-10 seconds and let the feelings subside a bit, then resume. This will help him gain control over his body.

As far as him looking at the headboard and going at it like a rabbit, take charge of that by initiating different positions, especially ones that give you more control or force him to work a little harder, like side-by-side or girl-on-top instead of missionary. Talking to him can help him focus more on you, too. Tell him what feels great in a sexy, inviting way. "I love the way you're teasing me!" can help him gain confidence in himself and learn what pleases you, for instance. "I feel so good when I can look into your eyes while you're inside me, baby" followed by placing your hands on his cheek or gripping him gently by the hair and guiding his head.

As far as his techniques, you can buy a couple books like How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know and Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques Guaranteed to Blow Your Man Away that invite him to learn how to please you while you do the same for him. Make it fun and adventurous, and let him know that you recognize you can use improvement, too. Show him you're open to a healthy sex life. Right now, you might be coming across as having a really negative outlook on sex. If you suspect that sex is something distasteful to you, you might even want to talk to an individual counselor to figure out why, and how you can experience it as a positive and healthy part of your life. If you think you're passionate and that he just hasn't been able to unleash that in you, these books and an attitude change can solve your problems.

 

[alte Dame]

When you dig in your heels on things, it's very hard to effect change. If you take a small step in his direction, though, you might be able to get him to reconsider how he deals with your concerns. For instance, tell him you want to make him happy with oral sex, but you need him to teach you what he likes. Maybe if he sees that you are willing to change, he will be willing to change something for you.

 

[Machiavelli]

4. Because I do not enjoy sex with him I refuse often. He cums to fast. He says he cums to fast because he goes for weeks and weeks without having sex. MEN IS THIS TRUE?

Absolutely true. The more you get, the better you get. Is it true that you make him wait weeks and weeks for sex?

 

[See_Listen_Love]

Your sex life can and should be a source of pleasure and joy for the both of you.

Romance, cuddling and steaming hot sex should be on your reportoire, of the BOTH of you. Clearly you two have no clue on how to have this.

I get from you post that you both start at the wrong end. Intimacy and communication are where you have to start over in your relation.

That, or it will end bad.

You need to talk about intimacy, if he does not want to, stop with having sex. Don't lead a low sex life, it's bad for your self esteem.

 

[Mrs Chai]

When you bring up these talks about your sex life, be sure you're doing it during a time of privacy with you both - but not in the middle of an argument and not in the middle of sex.

You need to do one of the "Honey we need to have a talk." when there's nothing to interrupt you. Have the baby with the babysitter for an hour, make sure he doesn't have to go to work, and sit down and have this discussion.

I had a similar issue with my boyfriend (now husband) and it took a few serious talks, some literature, and practice before we got to a place where we're both satisfied.

It's also something you always improve on, so like a previous poster said, make it fun!