Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe you will be able to tell me. Maybe I am normal. I don't know. I do know that I am miserable.

I have depression and anxiety pretty bad. My life is always in limbo, I'm always running in a hamster wheel and never getting anywhere. I want to be happy but I can't seem to get there. I'm a 35 year old woman without kids, never married. Ive been with someone on and off for the last 8 years. I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy with different therapists and I'm still unhappy.

I left my boyfriend of 8 years a month ago because I have severe relationship anxiety. I kept questioning the relationship so bad, wondering if he was "the one" or not. Mostly I was thinking he wasnt because he was too uptight for my taste. But every time I leave, and I've done this numerous times over the years, I am just as miserable in the new place I move to.

I love him very much, not sure about in love because a lot of the romance died when we lived together and reality set in with his 3 boys from a previous marriage and his annoying mother. I got so sick of the white trash dinners where everyone is bickering and we're slopping tater tots on everyone's plates because we could only make for dinner exactly what the kids want. I always dreamed of classy family dinners with wine and table manners. I got so sick of these dinners and him arguing with his mom.

Well now that I'm gone, I'm regretting it a bit because those issues we had were small in a way. If I wanted classy dinners with wine and table manners, maybe I should have made that happen myself, or had that with just him when the kids were gone. My point being, I need to create the life I want and focus on the positives.

But my anxiety caused me to doubt the relationship so bad, I would wake in the middle of the night and panic that I was wasting my time with the wrong person. After all, I wanted someone without kids to have my own family with. But now that I'm gone, I want to go home again. I've tried the online dating in the month that I've been away and that eases my anxiety because I dont feel like I'm wasting time, because my profile is out there. But everyday, I am so depressed and burnt out that I cant muster the strength to get out of bed, let alone go on some date. I dont even see anyone on there that is any "better" than him. He loves me unconditionally. But why did I have the anxiety about him?

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to go back to him and just commit (get married) and try to be happy by focusing on the positives and reading books to on how to meet each others needs. The other part of me wants to date other people to get this thought out of my head that there is someone better for me out there, but I dont want to do that. I dont know! My personality is so wishy washy, depressed, anxious, but at the same time I can be sweet and bubbly too.

Please help me fix my life. I am so unhappy everywhere I go. I thought maybe trying the generic effexor (antidepressant) and doing a workbook on cognitive behavior therapy to help me change my negative thoughts to positive thoughts. I always focus on the negative.

I'm going in circles, please help. I dont want to throw away a good thing but why was/am I so depressed and anxious? I wanted a better life, this isnt it. I cant get to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I wonder if I actually marry him, then maybe I will feel happy because I've made a decision and dont have to deal with life without him, and then we can build a life, buy a house, have a baby...but dont know if the relationship anxieties will kick back in. they were intense
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
I think if you we're happy there you would have stayed. Something was not right and it was more than the white trash dinners with his mom. You want something more, and who can blame you? You have an idea of what you want so I would forget the past and move forward in search of it.

A good friend of mine met her current boyfriend on some Internet site and I believe it was christianmingle .com, or something like that. They have been together for a while and I bet they get married soon.

Honey, you have to do what makes you happy. You have to wake up each morning with a positive attitude and start looking for the good in each day. Don't look behind you for happiness because if it had been there you would not have left.

Somedays will have some bumps in it, mine did today, but that's okay. It's to be expected. My granddaddy used to say "tomorrow is a new day, and it's going to be a good one". Think positive thoughts!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
812 Posts
You sound very conflicted with "what if's" -what if I move back, what if I tried to make more candle light and wine dinners, what if I marry him will I be happier.

When we live in the past we suffer(depressed)
When we live in the future we become anxious.

To realize peace within yourself you must be fully in the present.

You must accept that you are exactly where you need to be right now. This is your time to figure out you.

I am glad you are here.

You have put yourself out there on several dating sites already. Part of you wants to move on and part of you is wondering if you should. Thats really okay. It's normal. To want something that you believe you truly need to be happy is normal.

I recommend living more in gratitude everyday. Be thankful. Everyone of us has something to be thankful for. This will achieve the acknowledgement within yourself of the present moment. Live there. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
You are playing "geographics." You think if you go somewhere else, ie move away from your boyfriend, you will be happier. As you have found out, you are not. You think if you find someone new, you will be happier.

Wherever you go, you will still be you. A depressed person with anxiety.

You need to see a doctor to get your mind right before making big decisions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
637 Posts
Every morning when we awake, we have an important decision to make. Am I going to be happy today or sad? Just, choose to be happy.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,779 Posts
I think you need to learn to be on your own, and stop worrying about having a relationship. You sound like you are in a panic to be with someone, yet you yourself say you have relationship anxiety. Maybe that was just because the person you held on to for so long was the wrong person for you and you knew this, subconciously. You really need to get in touch with who you are, and what you want in life, on your own terms, in your own time. My heart was racing with anxiety just reading your post!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I just find it so hard to let him go, even though when I'm with him, I question things so badly it hurts.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
422 Posts
From your description I think getting married to him would be a mistake. It sounds like you did the right thing to leave. You should focus on visualizing the future that you do want, and the type of person you want to build it with. Then you can search for that person and you will find them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I'm going in circles, please help. I dont want to throw away a good thing but why was/am I so depressed and anxious? I wanted a better life, this isnt it. I cant get to it.
I believe you have an unrealistic idea of what your life "should" look like. This isn't uncommon. Most of us judge inner lives by what we see of others' outer lives. We believe that their public mask somehow reflects their reality, when it doesn't. Just as your coworkers and strangers have no idea about your anxiety and panic, you cannot see their troubles.

Do you remember when you were a little girl? Think about what the typical evening was like in your household. Was the television on? How did your parents and siblings fill the evening hours? Did it all feel pretty mundane, but somehow it was "ok" with you?

That's what adulthood and a good relationship brings. Mundane, routine daily life with some moments of great joy, a bit of laughter, and occasionally tremendous pain thrown in.

Unless you can recognize and believe this, I'd guess you'll continue to have anxiety and panic. You'll feel more critical and negative. By lowering your expectations, you may be able to find more peace.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top