Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 37 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm a married man for 7 years with a beautiful wife that I love dearly we have 2 children and overall have had a healthy relationship. I'm here for help a few recent events that took many years for me to realize I put my wife in the background and made the marriage about me I came to terms and apologized for the heartache I put her through little attention always blamed her for problems and not ever helping with kids and house chores she did them all. I'm not a controlling person and have made improvements on where I lacked in the marriage. She now has come to me stating she feels like she wants her freedoms back and told me she loves me and would never hurt me but asked me for my thoughts on an open marriage and it was just a thought of hers but feel that is the freedom she wants back.how do I respond to this with a woman I am so dearly in love with I did tell her I can't share her with other men and that she means the whole world to me everytime I asked her questions on why she felt this way or any questions upon this subject she tells me I don't know. Please help don't want my marriage to end.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,561 Posts
Sorry you need to be here. But welcome just the same. :)

I think telling her that no, you will not agree to an open marriage is a good start. What she's wanting to do will distory your marriage. So there is no reason you should agree to that.

Ask her to give your marriage more time. You love her and you have 2 young children.

There are some books that I think would help you restructure your marriage: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get them read them in that order and do the work that they say to do.

Then ask your wife to read them with you and the two of you do the work together. The reason I suggest that you read them and do the work first is that by doing it you will learn a lot about what makes a loving, passionate marriage. So then you can help guide the process when you read the books together.

"Love Busters" is read first because you have to figure out the love busters and stop them before you can move on to meeting each others needs. Love busters are those things that make a person fall out of love.... like all the things you mention in your above post.

The good thing is that if you both do what the books suggest, you can rebuild the love and passion to be much stronger than it ever has been.

{No i don't make any money on the books. They are just great books. :) }

How old are you and your wife?

Does she have a job outside the home?

I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance that she is already cheating or has someone in mind? Could that be why she's asking for an open marriage?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
My wife is same age 31 I adopted my step daughter now 9 and my son with her now 6 I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few months now after being stay at home mom for almost our whole marriage. She keeps telling me that it was just a thought. I do trust her and she is a very honest woman. I appreciate the books you mentioned and will get them. It will be hopefully a good leap in the right direction. I understand I made her feel not loved attention deprived and made her feel like just an object to me. I feel like she is tugging on the most hurtful heart strings and broke down to research and came across this website. I'm a hard working man I work many hours a week. And she is only part time. I've stepped up my game in every area we talked about and she told me it wasn't my fault and she is going through these emotions and spent know why. I'm at a stand still feel like I'm losing my marriage and there's nothing I can do about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,887 Posts
"I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few month"
In general, this is how a LOT of cheaters start. You THINK she is telling you the truth because "she wouldn't do that -- she is such a good person/honest/etc.", and then you find out months later she was lying (I am NOT saying that she is -- just how a TON of these stories go ..).

You should check your phone bill to see what numbers/etc. she is calling/texting. Can you get her phone to look at it to look for messages/calls, questionable apps?

For a WOMAN to suggest an open marriage, that is a HUGE red flag. You are smart to tell her no as EleGirl said -- it WILL ruin your marriage.
You should suggest marriage counseling to her.

VERY sorry you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,452 Posts
Ask your wife straight out who is the guy she is talking to at work. Her response will tell you all you need to know.
And stop rewriting history to justify her bs,you worked hard to support your family. Don’t let her convince you that because she has a wandering eye it’s your fault.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work.we have children so getting out every week is a no go. We have at least 10 hours a day when I'm not working but only an hour if working nights. If I'm working days she is always home and makes me dinner and spends the time with me which is 3 or so hours. She isn't distant in intimacy at all at least 2 to 3 times a week. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,452 Posts
My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....
You can’t just stand by helplessly and watch your wife destroy your marriage and family.
Tell her she is free to date whatever man she wants to but not as your wife. You need to start taking control of your relationship because I think your wife is already cheating or soon will be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
908 Posts
My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....
I agree the timing of her request and the fact she recently started working is suspect. Also her phone is always on her...

How many people work with her, how many men? Keep note of her interactions with co-workers next time you're there.

I believe she has her eye on someone, has discussed someone, or is already involved with someone but wants permission.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
152 Posts
I agree with Andy, she can bed any other man she wants, but not as your wife.

The positive is that she agrees to ic and that is a step forward in finding what’s broken.

There are many red flags that begin with a SAHM starting to work and suddenly the thought of an open marriage pops into her head. It sounds like she’s already picked the other player and wanted to ease the situation by asking you for the open marriage. Like Elle started it’s good you told her know. Now it’s time for the detective hat and check her phone, your bills, is she dressing differently to go to work, hiding the phone etc....I wish you luck with this issue.

You will have the backup of a lot of great folks with experience here, keep posting and reading. Check out the healing library as unfortunately I believe you are in for a wicked ride although I hope that it’s not true.

OT
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,398 Posts
It’s an odd request and could be because of

1. She’s testing you because she is not sure of your love for her due to the past treatment
2. She’s pushing you into taking action to up your game
3. She has met someone interesting to her at her new job
4, she is already in an EA or PA and is now laying the groundwork to continue


Btw how were you treating her exactly?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,219 Posts
This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you
A backbone will be very helpful in your situation.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,486 Posts
NO WOMAN randomly asks for an open marriage! She either has someone in mind who she wants, most likely someone at work.. OR.. she has already entered into an affair and thinks the whole open marriage thing would make it acceptable without her having to lose her home and her security.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,486 Posts
My wife is same age 31 I adopted my step daughter now 9 and my son with her now 6 I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few months now after being stay at home mom for almost our whole marriage.
RULE #1- CHEATERS LIE. There is no deviation from this rule.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,292 Posts
You can’t just stand by helplessly and watch your wife destroy your marriage and family.
Tell her she is free to date whatever man she wants to but not as your wife. You need to start taking control of your relationship because I think your wife is already cheating or soon will be.
OP,

The above is very well said and great advice.

Bear in mind, one can't "earn" their way into an SOs good Grace's by doing more and more and more forever, once a good balance is achieved.

Too much "I'm sorry" repetitively will be a negative.

Best of luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
96 Posts
QUOTE: NO WOMAN randomly asks for an open marriage! She either has someone in mind who she wants, most likely someone at work.. OR.. she has already entered into an affair and thinks the whole open marriage thing would make it acceptable without her having to lose her home and her security. QUOTE


The above is not true!
Women do ask to open the marriage without having an affair partner in mind. I am one of those women, and there are many more out there like me.

Though in this case I would be suspicious with the request coinciding with her new job.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,701 Posts
This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you
If it has not already been said...

1) She is already cheating on you, right now. She is having an affair.
2) You don't understand that and you are doing the Pick me dance, really bad idea.
3) Check your phone bill and see who she is talking to...

LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE HERE... You are being a chump right now...

Do you understand this?????
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
I agree with many here who say that she has someone in mind already. The fact that she always has her phone on her is suspicious as well as the fact that she recently start working outside the home.
Rather than tell you she is cheating or risking you finding out, she has come up with this awful idea of you both being permitted to commit adultery.

Don't give in, you are doing the right thing. It doesn't mean she will stop what may already be going on. but at least when you find out you can make that decision knowing the true facts.
Just say ok, if you want to have other men we will end this marriage now, and see what she says.
I think you need to do some investigating even if it means hiring a PI.
The fact that she is even suggesting it shows what sort of woman she is, and don't ever blame yourself for her actions.
 
1 - 20 of 37 Posts
Top