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To a certain level he needs to see that he can trust you again, which is hard to do. However, you should never be hurt like this because of a mistake either he accepts that was a mistake in the past and you accept that he will never fully trust you or he takes the door. His bahavior isn't normal nor is it within boundries.

draconis
 

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Suzy

Yes he does need to take ownership but before things can really improve for you as a couple he needs to move on from the affair. If he wants the relationship to work he can’t continue to throw that up in your face. Sounds as if there is more at play in the relationship and this is an easy dagger to throw. Therapists aren’t cheap, you are right but it might help. If he is spiritual in nature seeing a clergyman might help. Most churches are all about forgiveness. In the meantime if you can prep him for a talk about the marriage and let him know you are concerned and want to address the issues you have today and not bring up the past that would be a good place to start. Don’t know if he’ll comply but that would be my strategy. Good luck.
 

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First off all I can really say at this point (due to me trying to cope with my husbands infidelity) is that I'm sorry for what you are going through.

So I just wanted to say, yes, therapist are expensive but if you have any medical insurance you may want to contact them and inquire about your coverage. My husbands insurance (throught his employer) has what is called an "Employee Assistance Program" I called them and it turns out that with an authorization code we are entitled to three free consultations with a therapist. After that we are entitiled to twenty sessions each, giving us a total of forty and we can go together as one or individually and our co-pay is twenty five dollars per session. But even without the "EAP" we are still entitled to the twenty sessions each.

Wishing you all the best. Prayers for you.
 

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it sounds as if he cant get over it. two and a half years is enough time if you decide to forgive someone. sounds as if when it plays over in his head he wants to tortue you with verbal abuse
 

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Hmm, I have some experience here. For a two year time period I had buried myself in a bottle of whiskey. I was bad. Then I stopped one day and never drank again.

In that 2 yr time period I was awful. Abusive. I was/am an alcoholic.

So about 3 yrs after I had finally stopped and never drank again I got tired of it's all my fault because of my actions. I blew one day.

I explained(yelled) just because I made mistakes in my past it does not by any means mean you get to hold them over my head for the rest of my life, it does not by any means mean you are allowed to treat me like **** because of it.

I made my mistakes, I saw them I changed them and have never reverted back, so I do deserve the respect, I do deserve being treated good.

See cause like you I wonder for a long time if this was just my punishment, did I deserve this because of my drinking binge. NO. In the beginning yeas but 2 yrs later, no.

You need to sit down with him and explain to him you cannot change the past, you cannot undo what you did, but you can however continue(like you have been) showing him that this is exactly what it is PAST. He should by now be able to leave the past there..

See in the first 10 yrs of our marriage it was filled with both of us cheating on each other, me withholding sex, me drinking for a time period then BOOM, we almost ended..When we separated we thought this is for the best. Well little did we know we couldn't live without each other.

Here we are on yr 16(just about) happy and in love just like we were in our honeymoon phase. It CAN work. But you both have to be willing to change things and you both have to work on them.
 

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Sadly there are some of us betrayed who instead of being honest with ourselves and acknowledge that it is too much to endure living with a spouse who has betrayed us, file for divorce and move on with our lives, choose to instead stay with the betraying spouse and to throw the affair(s) in our spouse's face every time there is a disagreement in the marriage. Reconciliation without forgiveness is no way to live for either spouse.

The good Lord knows that my ex-wife tried her best to help me heal from her affairs and become the best wife she could but it was too much for me to endure and I knew that the bitterness in my heart would eventually grow and transform me into a hateful and bitter man. So I made the painful choice to divorce her and even though it broke my heart to see her crying and pleading with me to give her another chance, I knew that it was the right decision. It was a tough call because both of us had a shared history that spanned 25 years with grown children. It's been 7 years since the divorce became final but in that time I have healed and so has my ex-wife and we now have a much better relationship than during all those years that we were married. We may not be friends but we are certainly not enemies.
 

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I am new and i dont know where to turn.
I am in a 6 year relationship with the father of my children. We are not married.
I have cheated 6 times ( yes he knows about it) It was basicaly in the begining of our relationship.
I owned up to it...and i hate myself sick for it. I finally said that I was ok with moving out. It was my problem that we were ruined and that he deserves way better then me.
He then said that he was willing to work on things. And wanted to trust me again. That was about 2 1/2 years ago.
Now 1 baby later...our relationship is horrible. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. If i tell him that i am unhappy his basic response is Deal with it...you cheated. I feel that in the 2 1/2 years i earned some respect. I dont expect to be trusted AT ALL...but I at least deserve respect. Does he deserve to treat me any way he wants because I cheated? Doesnt he need to take some ownership in willing to work things out? He is not abusive, hes a great provider...and we have our great moments. Hes an amazing dad. But im sick of being unhappy because every fight turns into me cheating. IS this how i have to be treated? IS this normal? When we arent fighting its amazing. Maybe he needs to talk to someone that has forgivin someone who was unfaithful.

ps..therapist's arent free......
I'm a man that can relate to your boyfriend. I'm still in the healing process but I do know that shortly after I found out, every fight that we had I would quickly throw it back in her face. DEEP DEEP down I was torn apart and very hurt. He needs to hit bottom with his feeling before he can start to forgive. I recently had a HUGE meltdown to the point I wanted to part this world. For me it was hard to think that my wife found comfort in another mans hands. In a way I felt very responsible for that.

You can only say sorry so many times. In his mind he is feeling betrayed and that you owe him everything. He feels that you have no leg to stand on if you at all feeling as if the relationship is not going so well. I know, this is the type of thinking I have gone through many times. Fair? Not at all! When I finally broke down and let my real true deep down feelings flow out. Only then did I realize how much I love her and forgive her. I’m at a point now I have no more soul or energy to give at being resentful or angry.

He has to hit his rock bottom. Find a moment when you can humble yourself and ask him to be mad at you so that he can begin to forgive. Ask for a clean slate! Not a do over but a new beginning. You can’t change the past of course but you can start a new fresh future. He’s doesn’t trust you with his heart anymore. Humble yourself….
 

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Nicely said, riffken. I hope that I can get there and back soon so I can move on with my life

My wife cheated on me and has still not entirely decided if she even wants to come back and be forgiven.

Everytime she hints that she might want to work on it, I feel joy, but then I flash back to everything that she has done to me. She didn't just go to another man to find something that was missing, she used him as an excuse to try to erase all feelings for me, and to invalidate our 8 year marriage. I read in her diary as she went from confused, to convinced in only a 4 week time. She went from loving me and him, to replacing every part of her life where I was with him. In 4 weeks she was able to picture life, love, children, forever with this guy, and not even remember what we had. She certainly cannot see that future with me anymore.

I think about this over and over again. The physicality of the relationship certainly bothers me, but it is her total infatuation with removing me from her life, while hiding it, and not even giving me a chance to respond or change that really keeps me up at night.

I wish I had her mental ability to completely erase someone from her heart. That way, in one month's time, I could walk away from it all just like her with no problem.

And to get back to the thread, I agree. Humble yourself. Let him go to the bottom and release it all. If you have any feelings about the cheating, try to release it all as well. The only chance for either of you to truly get past it is to look at it all, process it, and start building again.

If he cannot get over it, or continues to use it as a weapon, I would ask him to seek professional help, and if not, you might want to consider a divorce.

Ironic how you might leave him because he can't get over something that you did wrong. Good luck.
 
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