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Acceptable for your husband/wife to go out v/late without contact on a weekly basis?

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Hi

I'm very new to this site, joined today as I really have nowhere else to turn. My husband has developed a very upsetting habit of staying out late at least once or twice a week, since starting his new 12-8 job (01/2014) at a call centre.

The first time it happened, he didn't bother letting me know he'd be home late and wouldn't answer my concerned phone calls. When he eventually came home at roughly 02:30, I confronted him as this was out of character and he'd said he didn't have his phone on him and that he was out of calling credit- the latter proven to be wrong. I asked him why he had lied and he swore he thought he was out of calling credit. I expressed my concerns to him, saying I didn't mind him going out with his friends so long as he lets me know if he's staying out late.

A week later the same thing happened where he'd not bothered to get in touch to let me know he'd be out later than usual, and again I expressed my anger, and this time confusion and disappointment in him as we'd only just discussed the matter a week ago. I went on to tell him that should this happen again he would be locked out. He then had the audacity to declare that this behaviour would occur EVERY Monday and that I was to get accustomed to this would save me worrying. I proceeded to say that this was unacceptable and extremely disrespectful to our 1 1/2 year old marriage. It is important to note that my husband, and even then-boyfriend has never behaved in such a manner in our 7 years of knowing each other.

The radical behaviour seemed to ease, not to say he wasn't going out, but he would be home by 22:00 latest. Then 3 days ago we settled in for a 21:00 movie and were in bed at 00:00. After a brief, unresolved session of love making came to an end, we were ready for bed- when he said he wanted to go to the ATM to check if his wages were in. I asked him why they wouldn't be? He said he needed to check. I explained that even if they were, what would he do with the funds at midnight? I eventually dropped it and he was gone. I awoke at 02:00 needing the bathroom, and to my amazement HE HAD NOT RETURNED. Whilst in the bathroom the front door opened. I asked him where he'd been and he said he'd gone dancing at Outrageous (local gay club). I asked him why? He said he wanted time to himself. I asked him why he couldn't do that in the house as I would be asleep? He said, he went out because he thought I was asleep anyway. I got back into bed and he followed me in. He came in for a cuddle and I pulled away. Anyway, long story short I told him that I had lost trust in him. That he were to stay away from me as I don't know where he's been.

Then... I went through his phone, not a good sign, right! :confused: There was a msg from an unassigned number dating 2 days (Friday) back complete with kisses (x). The first read- "How are you? Any plans? x", to which he replied "I'm at the Indian place opposite the Border (pub)". The next incoming msg read "where? x", followed by another message a minute later merely reading his surname with a question mark, as in-reply. There was no reply up to and including the time I’d read it on the Sunday. I was with him at the Indian place and at no point did I see him on his phone. He did disappear into the toilet a couple times and for a cigarette. I do wonder if my presence was the reason why the texts stopped? ... I rang the number off a colleagues phone (with their consent), no answer. A minute later we received a call, when answered there was no response from the caller!? There was then a message reading "did you try calling. Who is this". Now whenever I’ve missed a call, I tend to call back to ascertain caller details; unless the no. was specifically designated to receive calls from a particular no./ no.s. This behaviour though is extremely suspicious, and I am yet to determine the gender belonging to the phone no. To my dismay, prior to the texting there was an outgoing voice call record in his log. So they're not only texting but calling each other.

I've arranged a sit down with my husband tonight (5+ hrs time). I have no idea what I’m going to say, but we need to discuss the late nights and a possible affair- without him knowing I went through his phone. Any suggestions? And am I right to suspect an affair? Is it a norm for married men to be out very late once or twice a week and do women think it's okay? Am I being irrational? How would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes?
 

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To answer your questions...

1. Yes, you are right to expect an affair. Possibly with a man.

2. It is not the norm for married men to suddenly start staying out late several nights per week. And no, I don't think this is "okay."

3. You are not being irrational.

4. How would I handle it? I would confront and issue an ultimatum. No need yet to tell him you went through his phone. His behavior alone is enough to raise your suspicions. Tell him he is not behaving like a married man; its time for him to straighten up and fly right. Or fly away.

Others will be along here shortly to advise you... I am sorry for what you are going through. It's time for you to be smart, don't let emotions cloud your judgment right now, and figure out exactly what is going on.
 

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If nothing else, it's not normal for straight married guys to go out "dancing" at a gay club...

Personally, I think you're premature in confronting. You will likely (at best) get a confession to what you already know. Is that enough for you to make a decision?

C
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No this is not normal. I really hate to say it but it sounds lime it may be another man. I know thats really hard to even think about how it could happen but i have seen it several times before. Good luck.
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I've arranged a sit down with my husband tonight (5+ hrs time). I have no idea what I’m going to say, but we need to discuss the late nights and a possible affair- without him knowing I went through his phone. Any suggestions? And am I right to suspect an affair? Is it a norm for married men to be out very late once or twice a week and do women think it's okay? Am I being irrational? How would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes?
All I can offer is that you are validated in suspecting an affair or some other behavior that isn't aligned to the health of your marriage. It's not the norm in our marriage for us to be out very late once/twice a week and is not something I'd be cool with. You're not being irrational.

Best of luck to you. Please let us know how things go.
 
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Agreed with everyone above.

Just wanted to add that if you suspect that your husband is bisexual and having an clandestine affair with a man or maybe even multiple men , you will need to take extra precaution if you are still having any sexual contact with him.

Please insist that he wears a condom.

Bisexual men are usually gay curious and confused. They tend to act out their on their same sex desires on the spur of the moment, because of internal conflict.
 
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